I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Well done for calling your mum, she sounds brilliant.

Someone upthread mentioned not relying on him to give you the support you need with the children and I agree with that. He's made it clear he won't help when it's not convenient so it's time to stop looking to him to step up (and I know that's not fair and not the way you could imagine reacting to your girls).

How did you get on with calling the GP?

Good take you called your mum. Please now also call the GP...or get you mum to...come on op, you can do this X

I've got an appointment for 10.50. My mum and dad are here and my Dad is going to come with me.

I just can't get my head around how this man who was previously the most devoted, loving and supportive father and husband, can now have no reaction to me telling him I'm not currently well enough to care for his children. Not from the point of view of caring about me but caring about his children. For all he knows they haven't been fed and I'm still here crying and unable to function. As it is, DD1 has had breakfast, DD2 has had milk and some fruit and a clean nappy. My parents are here and I have stopped crying. But he knows none of that and he couldn't give a fuck. How did I judge him so wrong? How did I not see what he was truly like for almost 12 years? How did I choose such a lowlife for the father of my children?

It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for 'choosing' him as your husband. If his personality has changed that much maybe he is having a breakdown - but right now that doesn't matter, what matters is you.

So glad you've made an appointment. Be honest and don't leave until they explain what help can be provided.

You're doing so well. I know it might not feel like it at all but you are struggling and you are asking for help, which is a huge step.

Completely agree with thurlow you've taken the first step to get help making the appointment- it's vital that you tell your GP everything now.

As for him, I know it's easy for me to say but he's not important right now, you are and getting the help you need.

I know you're right, that he's unimportant, but he has been the closest person to me for such a long time, I don't know how to live independently from him and, even if he doesn't love or want to be with me, I shouldn't be a parent on my own especially when it's putting me under such enormous strain that I can't cope. I really hate him and at this point I wish he would walk away and never have contact with either DD again. Obviously DD1 would be affected at first but she would get past it. If not I see him letting them down continuously throughout their lives and that would cause more upset. I just wish he didn't exist anymore.

You'll go mad if you keep trying to work out why he's behaving like he is. I say this kindly but you do have to just accept that he's in a bubble and you and the children are outside of it. He'll do the bare minimum to salve his conscience (pay bills etc and look after them for token days) but don't expect anything more. He's not going to rush to help even though you are crying out to him. He has removed himself from that role. He will see it as being about helping you - which is a role he has checked out of - rather than being there for his children. So to him it won't be about not being there for them but not being there for you, which suits him. He believes the children are safe with you and well looked after and that you are just trying to get his attention by phoning him crying.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt but you need to think about yourself now and moving forward without his support. You have no control over him at all so stop thinking about him and how he can be doing what he's doing and why. You've been doing that for weeks and it's turning you inside out. You only have control over yourself and how you respond to him so focus on that instead.

Going to the GP is a great start and asking your parents for help is even better. Be the success story here. You have relied on him so much in the past but you DON'T need him. You can cope on your own. This is the start of finding yourself. And you will be happy without him. You are soooo young and you are clearly smart and articulate and a brilliant mum. You have everything you need to have an amazing life. I know he's been a massive part of your life and you love him and miss him but there is life after him too. And looking to the future, there are other amazing people out there to share your life with. Ones who wouldn't cheat or 'sigh' when you're begging for help on the phone. This is who he is now. Do you want that really?

Good luck today. I hope you get some help.

Thanks Magical. I know you're entirely right. Me and the girls are the focus now.

He's just text saying "Are you okay?" And then another one saying "Do you need me to come back?" I needed that 3 hours ago. Not now. I think I might block his number. It's just not helpful. I'm definitely not replying.

It's truly awful for you. To be left like this without any thought or consideration from the man who has spent the last 12 years by your side is difficult to comprehend from afar, let alone being where you are.

I'm so so pleased you have such incredibly supportive parents and you're right- anyone can have a day of compassionate/ parental leave (in fact he has the rights to that as both DD's are under 5) in a desperate time like this.

Let us know how you get on at the GP. It's good that your dad is coming as I feel that it'll demonstrate just how desperate the situation is now. Plus you've had a few funds of going back and forth for the same thing and these are the cases whereby GPS need to take it seriously or actively 'do' something about it because let's say (in the worst case scenario that you were to do something extreme) these multiple visits to the GP over a relatively short succession of time would be reflected upon very inadequately as a professional proving care. Something has and will be done for you today. And noone will think badly of you or question your parenting skills for realising and accessing the help and support you need.

Well done on booking a GP appt....as I said earlier if it's all too overwhelming when you're in with the GP then show them this thread....bless your heart, thinking about you lots x

He's sent another text - "Village, are you okay?" Am I right not to reply to him? I'm not okay but I'm not dead which is what I think he's asking. I just don't want to talk to him.

Just come out of the doctors. They're referring me to a perinatal mental health service where I will see a psychologist. Apparently it's a new service in our area and the consultant is very good. Hopefully the referral shouldn't take too long.

My husband is now calling me continuously.

I'm really pleased you had a proactive doctors appointment.....I honestly can't tell you what to do about your husband.....if it was me I think I would ask my mum or dad to make a very brief and curt phone call and explain that while you're not dead you are very much not OK...you don have to speak to him at all at the moment if you don't want to.....it's self preservation now....xx

He text my Dad to ask if he had heard from me and he spoke to me this morning and I was quite upset - I was fucking distraught. He said he's worried and just wants to know I'm okay. My dad wanted to respond and say that they had come over and were looking after me and had taken me to the doctors. I told him that none of that has anything to do with him and asked him just to respond to say the girls are okay. He has done that but said its awkward because he has asked him if I'm okay and he's not answered his question. I pointed out that he fails to even respond with basic things such as times he is coming to see his children, we don't owe him anything. It's none of his business if I'm okay and I'm certainly not. It's all well and good to be concerned 3 hours down the line but your concern should have been when I told him his children needed him. I just want him to fuck off now.

I'm so pleased you have a perinatal mental health service in your area; they're very sparse. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long to be seen. It was probably reassuring for the GP to see you do have the suppprt from your father and thus reducing the risk of harm.

Tough one re your husband. I would be inclined to do exactly the same. In fact I would. However, he's clearly re thought about his selfish actions this morning and isn't thinking about anything else. Bloody good job too. He's been informed of what he needs to know (that the girls are okay) and that's his job done. Honestly, if he really was that concerned he could have left work and come round to the house.

Take today just talking to your parents and letting them help with the girls.

That's really good news about the perinatal team. Well done for talking to your GP.

I don't know much about perinatal MH teams and I've not been able to find that much online. What sort of thing should I expect?

Because they're still relatively new each area and it's approach will be different but in general it's a multi disclipnary approach alongside an obstetric input into medication and wellbeing during the Purperium- it's a good job you're DD2 isn't quite one otherwise it would be the general referral which could be a potentially longer wait? Xx

I hope the wait isn't too long. The GP couldn't really give an indication. I do feel a bit better having got the ball rolling. I didn't feel the doctor judged me. She was quite sympathetic and understanding. I've also had CBT arranged through IAPTs since DD2 was born so I think she could see I have been trying.

Well done for seeing the GP. Medical professionals won't judge or think you're a bad mother. Quite the opposite as you are seeking help before it gets any more critical.

Be kind to yourself and understand that you've had a massive shock, your world has been turned upside down by the one person you've always depended on and trusted in and you are currently grieving for what you've lost. All whilst responsible for two young children. It's no wonder you are feeling low and as though you can't cope. But now it's about moving forward without that man. So, so hard and painful. But completely doable.

Don't let him dictate how your future pans out. You will be happy and your daughters will too.

Him calling you repeatedly is too little too late. Like someone else said, if he was that concerned he would have come to the house to find out. He has no business knowing anything about you but I would be sorely tempted to tell him that you've had a breakdown and are receiving professional support so that he (a) understands the impact of his actions on his family and (b) realises that he cannot compartmentalise you in one box and the children in another. Your emotional and mental well-being has a direct effect on the children; you are bound together. So if he's interested in them he needs to understand what you are going through. Perhaps then he'll take more responsibility for their care.

But that would all work if you were dealing with a rational human being which he is not. After all, you've told him enough times you're suffering and he's done nothing to help before so he's unlikely to now. Therefore limited information is probably the best way forward.

You need to focus on your unit- your mental health and the well being of your children. He has shown his true colours and I agree with another poster who said to stop trying to work out 'why' all the time- there lies madness. He has allocated himself a role- that of an absent parent and is seeing them regularly.

You need to repair yourself and get into a routine with help. This is the horrible bit but you will come out the other side. We are all routing for you. Stop giving him an opportunity to kick you though. He has betrayed you and is continuing not to put his family first. Surround yourself with those who love you and put you first.

Well done my dear for getting to GP. Is GP planning to see you regularly while you wait for referral?
Please take all the help offered. You are poorly, just as poorly as if you broke a leg or had any other medical illness.

I agree wannabe. I want no contact with him now. I certainly wouldn't be asking for anything from him again. His last text about an hour ago said "I'm assuming you're physically ok but if you need me to stay with the kids tonight, tomorrow whatever just let me know please." That's exactly what I did this morning, in complete desperation and I was shot down in the most hurtful way. I will not be asking him for help again. I will treat him with the same care and compassion that he treats me and the girls, I.e. None. I do still love him because I'm an idiot and probably because I'm very vulnerable but he absolutely disgusts me as a person. I couldn't treat a stranger the way he treated me and his children this morning. In fact, I know that there are people on MN that, had they been in a physical position to help me, would have done so this morning and that shows you what a horrible, careless person he is.

The GP isn't planning to see me until the referral comes through but I was told that if I feel any worse I should make contact with them immediately. They offered me the option of being referred to IAPTs again in the interim but it took a while for the referral to go through the first time so I imagine it wouldn't come through any quicker. I have never been involved with a mental health team, only my GP and IAPTs so I have no idea what to expect or what they would/could do. Is it likely to be a one off appointment? Or ongoing? Would they look at medication? Therapies? I'm quite clueless about it all.

I'm currently getting DD2 to sleep, she's been unwell as well - cough and cold again and she also became constipated and passed blood and mucous so I had to get her checked out today as well. She's okay and still smiling. I just wish she wasn't constantly coming down with things. Hopefully she'll have a more settled night tonight.

Really well done on seeing the GP, I'm so pleased you've been referred.

We are definitely here and supporting you and you will come out of this the other side

It's taken until now to get both children to sleep. DD2 settled and then woke herself up coughing. DD1 had tantrum after tantrum and took forever to go to sleep. And then my mum managed to get DD2 to sleep, but as soon as I took her to lay her down she woke up. She's now asleep on my lap and I need to try to lay her down so I can eat dinner. I should ideally be in bed by 10pm. Keep your fingers crossed for a quiet night for me!