PND and anxiety getting worse

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

Skating, it's so sad and frustrating to want to help you but know that you can't hear the voices responding to your cries for help. Somewhere you must be aware that most kids in our society make it to adulthood in spite of the dangers of being in the world, and yours are no different.

This. Pages and pages and threads and threads of posters saying the same thing. Skating you aren't well at the moment and it's so hard when you fall slowly into these patterns of thinking and acting to realise how harmful they are but if you could just try and take some steps - tell your parents, stop expressing and go to the GP with all of this information (if they haven't seen how serious this situation is they are either very bad at their job or you haven't been giving the full picture). It's horrible feeling this way, truly horrendous but there is help out there. You don't have to feel this way forever.

Please please please start taking the sertraline you were prescribed. I am also breastfeeding and my baby is fine. It is safe to take while feeding. Yes there are side effects for a week or so. I felt a bit nauseous and had a headache but you can take some paracetamol for that. And once the side effects wear off it's life changing. Your dh can't decide for you what to do about your health. You need to do what's best for you and your daughter.

Also feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk to someone. I also have quite bad anxiety and depression and I am currently having CBT. I could help you with some of the strategies if you wanted x

Skating - hope you felt strong enough to do some nice activities at half term? Have you stopped expressing now and hopefully started to get some sleep?

We have been out but it hasn't been any fun or pleasure. I'm just waiting for it to be over so I can go home and then I wait for the day to be over so I can go to bed.
I am still expressing and can't see that stopping anytime soon.
I will stop posting now as I am wasting everyone's time, nothing changes. I just have to wait until either something bad does happen or until my children are old enough to not need me any more.
Thank you everyone that posted xx

You're not wasting anyone's time. Everyone is posting because we truly want to help. Even if you just want to vent or write down your worries we're here to listen. Please don't isolate yourself x

Skating - you are not wasting anyone's time. You need some help to enable you to cope and enjoy life again - hopefully you will get the right counseling and meditation as soon as possible.

I'd never heard of the virus you are worried about. My DT's are now 19 and had the usual bugs and illnesses but although unpleasant at the time, it only lasted a short time and no lasting problems.

Can you articulate WHY you are not willing to follow any of the advice given here?

I think that you are afraid to stop doing certain things because you have tied them all up with your anxieties and they have become a means of feeling some sense of control or that stopping them means something bad will happen. This is not true but is very common with anxiety/ocd.

I don't think anyone wants you to stop posting. People are just worried for you and, having gone through it, we know that there really can be better days ahead if you could just try to get the help you need.

My almost 6 year old must have had rotavirus by now going by what you have posted but he certainly has never had 9 days of bad symptoms or such a bad experience as you describe. This truly is worst case scenario stuff and the risk of anything like that happening to your baby is minute. The examples you cite are likely all from developing countries where the risk of a bad experience are much higher given the overall poverty/malnutrition levels. You have a healthy child who, like pretty much all children who experience it here, would have a very mild illness that you probably couldn't know for sure was rotavirus. In fact, you've already acknowledged that she could have had it and she is fine!

OP can you not see that your children not being able to lead a normal
Life or have freedom to do normal child-like activities is the worst thing that can happen - and is happening not the mask which is rotavirus.

That should motivate you to take the next step with your mental health. Please try to take the next step. We are all here to help, but you must listen to advice being given.

Your children will never ever not need you any more. There will never ever be a time when they'd be better off without you or better cared for by someone else.

There'll be a time after many years have passed, when you won't be around any more and they'll have to learn to manage, but you could not be so cruel as to plunge them into that situation by your own choice. You have to make the GP understand how you are feeling, and how massive is your need for proper help.

If only your husband would listen to you and help you.

Just a quick update - I heard from healthy minds following the return of my questionnaire. They rang me today and acknowledged that I had severe depression and anxiety. And that there is at least a 12 month wait for any CBT or support.

I feel a bit deflated really. I actually can't see the point in asking someone to fill in a questionnaire - compete with an a4 side of writing for further detail - arrange a telephone consultation to discuss a treatment plan...and then say oh well it will be at least 12 months before you hear anything.

Could you pay privately for some sessions which might help ? Have you stopped expressing now and hopefully getting some sleep.

Isn't your partner on 90k a year or something? Pay privately.

He won't. I have no access to the money. It isn't an option.

No im still expressing. I literally cannot stop.

Well done for filling in the questionnaire.

Can you go back to the GP now you have the result and ask for suggestions?

You're doing well to keep coming on here and talking about it.

But the more you mention him, the more it strikes me that the problem is your husband. He KNOWS you're struggling so much, he can surely see that you don't go out much - but he won't "let" you take antidepressants or have money for private therapy?

Is there any medical reason why your DD can't have cows milk?

skating I remember your previous threads.

When I had PND my DH was anti-medication…until I actually took it and then he said if I ever came off it we were getting a divorce (we are getting a divorce but cos he's a bastard not due to meds).

You've got a long wait for cognitive help. Do you really want to carry on like this for that length of time? The medication is highly likely to help you, at minimal risk to your child. Medication is generally of most help to those that are moderately or severely depressed (not much use to mildly depressed). I took sertraline and paroxitine when BF my kids (sertraline from birth with one child). The youngest is now nearly 7 and my kids are fine. The benefits of being a 'well' mum outweigh the risks of being an 'unwell' mum when young children are concerned, and are more of a risk than rotavirus.

All of my kids must have had rotavirus as none of them were vaccinated against it, and none of them had the horrors that you described. But that isn't the issue. Rotavirus is the 'explanation' that you are hanging on to for your mental health problems. You are depressed, the medication has a good chance of helping you- 60-70% of severely depressed people recover whilst using them. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. You obviously love them and want the very best for them