PND and anxiety getting worse

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

Dd has just had a very mild tummy bug - she was sick twice and had an upset stomach for two days. Still off her food.

We havent caught it but I assume not RV as not bad enough...

It could well have been that Skating. That would be how it would present in many children - as a mild illness that passes within a few days. If she's already had it all of this anxiety is pointless right? This is why so many posters are saying you should get some help. You are so anxious about something that may have already happened and even if it hasn't is likely to be so mild you can't even be sure she's had it. You are letting this ruin your live at the moment, but it really doesn't have to be like this.

It could well be Rota. It is impossible to tell and the severity of these bugs is massively different in different people.

If is isn't rota then what is it? Noro? Food poisoning? Again it would have to be pretty mild cases either way.

My kids are too old for rota virus vaccine. They have both had their share of stomach bugs but often these are just 3-4 vomits and then that'sounds it. Sometimes diarrhea too. One of these must have been rota.

OP can I gently suggest that you are probably more depressed than you realise. Women, IMHO, can be really quite severely depressed ( and this includes predominantly anious-type depression) while appearing to function. We have to.

Do you want to tell us about your life more generally? It'seems a good bunch on here. Lots of people who have been in similar situations send come out the other side.

Would it help you to speak to somebody else other than a GP? I suffered from severe anxiety and saw a homeopath which really did help alongside my normal meds. They may also be able to help with the practical side of your rotavirus worries and give you something for your DD should she get it? Though as many posters have said it's a d&v bug, but don't want to minimize your concern.

"All mistakes have consequences"; "my DD will bear the consequences".

That's not rational thinking: it's the depression and anxiety.

Many, many illnesses and accidents are just random.

They are. But this one I could have prevented.

The one thing that really strikes me is that you keep posting. Which means that you know, deep down, that something is wrong and you want someone to help.

Antidepressants can make you feel rough for a week or so. But then they start to work, and life starts to get better.

Could you plan to have someone like your parents around for a few days when you start taking them?

I would like someone else to have all the answers.

I'm very very isolated irl because I've discovered that most of the people I considered to be good friends weren't. Although I have to be fair and say I'm not that bothered, I don't want to see anyone anyhow as that would mean leaving the house.
This week a man I know through work and considered a good friend has made some very inappropriate comments and it's unnerved me and I feel like I no longer want contact with him either. I think this has added to me having a particularly bad week, that and dd being slightly unwell.

Periodically I feel not just scared of my house but also scared of other people, they feel like they are a threat.

I do appreciate all the people who have taken the time to post. I know I am hard work at the moment but I wasn't always like this, I promise.

Hi Skating. I could've written this post. Massive hugs. There's nothing any of us can say to reassure you, I know this from personal experience, not with Retero but with something else equally minor but nevertheless equally souldestroying for mummies. I also know what it feels like to mistrust and fear everyone, because they're constantly telling you you're wrong, that you're irrational, that you're the problem.

Two things I think will help you here: Professional help (in form of meds and CBT) and time. In time you will see that your DD is fine, that, even if there was the tiniest foundation of truth in your beliefs, that the reality was much less serious, and not life-threattening at all. I would really urge you to try the meds. As someone who didn't take them and hasn't ever had the courage to try, I would say that you owe it to yourself, your DD and family. In no way can DH tell you what to do about this. If you don't give it a go then you may, as I have, face much longer in agony than you need to, and this may have much more serious consequences for Dd and for you.

I would go back to docs and tell them the truth, I would go with DH to docs, ask him about the best meds for breastfeeding, and maybe you could all gget a plan

Sorry, I mean make a plan together about what to do. You're in my thoughts, it's so bloody hard when you just can't stop, ever, obsessing about something like this. Xxx

Another poster has suggested that OP's H is abusive.

They are. But this one I could have prevented.

Vaccinations are no guarantee. A child at dd's school recently had mumps despite having had the MMR.

No one is a perfect parent. We all miss something, personally I aim for average as that is achievable . We just do our best, and then when she's older DD will tell you you're the best mummy ever and you will be but . Mine does it frequently even though it blatantly isn't true.

Be kind to yourself, you have been massively unlucky to be so ill. There is alongside the anxiety a horrible culture of criticising parents and it's a hell of a shock. But we all get criticised for something.

OP, the first posts of yours that I read were focusing on chicken pox. Your real focus needs to be your own real illness , not the illnesses you imagine to be waiting to damage the children. Your husband sounds like a large part of the trouble.

It's not the case that this illness could have been prevented. Again, that's dark and irrational thinking, part of your illness.

It is not at all harmful to your DD to have not had this particular immunisation.

It will, however, not be good for your DC if you remain this unwell. Your health is vital.

I struggle with anxiety too. My H is often not supportive. I sometimes don't succeed in managing it.

Skating this isn't about rotavirus. Before rotavirus it was chickenpox. Before that it was pregnancy worries...

Rotavirus is very very common. 0.3% of children with rotavirus need rehydration in hospital. Children don't die from rotavirus in the UK. If your DD had been born in Ireland she wouldn't have been offered the vaccin. Your son didn't have it. You know all this.

But there's no point reassuring you about this because your thinking is too disordered right now to take it in. You need help now- tell your GP what you've said here, that you are considering leaving your children because of this. Ask to see a psychiatrist. Many antidepressants are safe when breastfeeding. Stop expressing overnight, it's not needed at this stage, your supply is well established. Stop altogether if you want, it's a supplementary food for your DD not a medicine.

You also need sleep. If you can't trust your husband with the children overnight is there anyone else? Your MIL or your parents? Nobody will think less of you for needing a nights sleep.

Sorry, I didn't see that part. Hugs xx

I remember you, we had our babies at the same time and I have posted on your other threads under different names.

I'm a mental health social worker, and I have worked with many women like yourself who have fixed intensive intrusive thoughts, plus I have experienced them myself! PLEASE go back to the GP and agree to take the Sertraline. You are going through hell, you have an illness, and it needs treating.

You need to take the sertraline as prescribed, and it may be that this will need to be increased to a higher dose eventually. Talking therapy is great, but from what you have written before, you need medication too. I can't stress enough how much I feel it will help you, from personal and professional experience.

I understand your husband may be wary whilst you are breastfeeding, but you have been struggling for so long, you need to prioritise your own health over his views, and start taking the medication.

Op, I want to tell you, the you of the future won't recognise the you of right now. The cbt and the tablets WILL help you. I was you 8 years ago. My second child was about 14 months old and I was falling apart, scared to leave the house but scared to stay in it, convinced that something truly awful was going to happen to me either way. I didn't open my post for over a year which caused all sorts of problems, I just shoved it all into a suitcase under my bed, so convinced that every letter would have terrible news in it. When I eventually did go to my gp I had to wait ten months for cbt, which helped enormously, and has helped me since too, it really helped me learn to handle life. Until that kicked in, I was prescribed some anti anxiety meds. I think j tried maybe here different ones before finding the one that was like a light being switched on. It worked. And tbh, ds is now diagnosed with autism, it's still a huge struggle every day, but I've never been back to those terrible depths of despair. I was surprised when my cbt therapist told me I had ocd. I was convinced that that meant obsessively cleaning. What it actually means is unhelpful, obtrusive, obsessive thoughts, which I had by the bucketful. This WILL pass. But you need to be honest with yourself and the people around you. I was a single parent, and had friends around who were aware of what I was struggling with and that really helped. I also had an awesome cbt therapist who knew I had no childcare and scheduled our sessions for when ds was most likely to nap, I'd walk the long way round to the surgery with him in his buggy and more often than not he'd be sound asleep when we got there. You don't have to put up with feeling like this. It isn't a weakness in you, and it's not something you asked for or deserve. It's just crappy thing that happens to some of us sometimes. Please at least try some tablets, if hey don't work then try some different ones. They saved my life.

People were telling you months ago to take the medication when you were convinced your DD was going to die of chicken pox and it would all be your fault.

People telling you the facts about illnesses has never helped. These threads don't help you, you need to take medication. Are you still BF? I remember that being a factor in your utter exhaustion.

Oh Skatingonthinice Your severe depression is causing your mind to be stuck -playing the same relentless and frightening script over and over ........... But the script is just nasty negative crap
Every hour of your day is spent dealing with debilitating thoughts of self loathing at missing your child's vaccination, and frightening thoughts of dealing with your child's death and wishing your life away :(
Your mind is stuck on thinking nasty negative crap and that is not fair and such utter torture for you :(

You are a wonderful person, and as worthy as the next person to have a wonderful life, free of nasty frightening thoughts.

Your depression is not letting you think of anything kind about yourself Give yourself a break and seek urgent medical help - go to hospital and show the Dr this thread please. xxx000 You are worthy xxxooo

I have a friend who is totally anti-vax and her son caught measles aged three. He was quite unwell although thankfully made a fulll recovery. I remember thinking how awful that all that suffering could have been prevented.
And now I've done the same to my own child.

NO YOU HAVEN'T. Dear girl , you're doing something quite different to your children, and you can help them only by getting help yourself.

There you go again, thinking awfully of yourself, fixating on the same issue, over and over and over
But there is more to life than one single issue
Free yourself from negative, self blaming thoughts seek medical help for your own and your family's sake- to be free to go out in the world and take your child out to enjoy exploring the outdoors and different surroundings ....

Hey OP, my DD had the rotavirus vaccine and has had about 10 upset tummy bugs and she is only 2.5. It is a weakness that runs on my line of the family and if there is a tummy bug going then we all get it! In fact we have had 2 since Christmas alone. I know in an ideal world you would have the vaccine but you don't and there isn't anything you can do about it now. You can't wrap your DD up in cotton wool forever.

With regards to your depression and anxiety have you considered stopping feeding? I know it might sound drastic but your DD is over 1 and could easily be transitioned on to cows milk now, my DD didn't have a single bottle after the age of 1. That was you would enable yourself to get the help you need - you need to perhaps put some priority on your own wellbeing?? Hope you manage to seek some help for yourself soon!