PND and anxiety getting worse

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

you need to perhaps put some priority on your own wellbeing
Do something nice for yourself each day
You are probably taking care of yourself and getting good food, enough sleep, sunshine and exercise? What about spoiling yourself with getting a pedicure/a long bath/ something you love doing ? Hope you are OK

Please go back to your GP, and/or to a (private) BACP registered counsellor, and reconsider taking the meds. If your H is against that then he doesn't have your back and his opinion should be ignored.

I imagine you're fearful of stopping bf because of your anxiety over your DD's health. That's part of the MH condition too.

Skating - I have not read the full thread but have read most of your posts. I have been where you are and it is hell. Nothing less than that. It is horrendous. There IS a way through and out. You will make it.

Ok it's not easy trying to navigate the NHS on this but it is doable. Be completely honest with your health visitor about the kind of thoughts you've been having, including the darkest ones. It's so hard but you should be a priority for them. I did this and was referred for CBT. It takes time but it is working. Sleep training made a massive difference too - a kid and baby can be brutal on your sleep and therefore your sanity.

This isn't about rotavirus. Take that out of the equation and you would fixate on something else. I won't tell you my triggers but the way anxiety works is to adhere to different thoughts and worries. There will always be something. It's your mental state you need help with. I can't believe I'm calm and content again but I am. And you will be. Please keep talking to us and others - I was there and I'm there for you now

Hi OP - poor you
The issue is not rotavirus it is your anxiety over what is not rational anymore.

Rotavirus is particularly not nice in children under 6 months. My friends baby got it a week before the jab and she wasn't well but was fine. Your LO has had time to build immunity and would be fine . If you look at the NHS rotavirus page the jab only prevents 70% of cases anyway, so even with the jab 30% will get it. That's 1 in 3.

Secondly the biggest risk to rotavirus is dehydration. So if you were overly worried you could take LO to hospital. It is highly highly unlikely to be life threatening - it's a concern where parents might be relaxed and the dehydration gets worse and worse which clearly wouldn't be you.

Rotavirus is not a deadly virus I promise you. The help you need is with intrusive obsessive thoughts . Good luck. You can do this!!!!

The questionnaire for healthy minds came through today, it says after they receive it back I should get an appointment in a fortnight.
I don't think it will help but I'm willing to give it a go.
Ds has been going on about where can we go nice at half term. Previously I'd have had something planned every day but now I'd rather just stop in the house. I'm too tired to go out anyway and I am indeed still expressing every four hours which makes it impossible to go anywhere anyway. I do feel sorry for him though. I don't think this is how he expected having a sibling would be.

We waited four years for dd and had a lot of fertility treatment before I fell pregnant naturally. I thought she would complete my family, instead I feel like we aren't even a family at all anymore.

OP. I mean this gently because I understand you are unwell and your suffering is so obvious.

You have had numerous threads. You have been offered endless support and reassurance. It has never helped. You have been advised repeatedly to take medication, engage in Psychological therapy, to ask more of your DP and to stop expressing every four hours and give formula. Dozens and dozens of times.

You have been advised that your illness will be effecting your children and in particular your DS as your obsession with your DD is unhealthy and he loses out.

You will not get better until you do what has been suggested repeatedly. This is not getting better and will not get better on its own.

I know.
I wish I'd not had any children. I think when we couldn't have a second easily it was natures way of saying it was a bad idea. I'm really not cut out to be a mother.

it's really tough when the baby is small. Really tough. But soon things will be different with the kids, they'll make their own entertainment more. Good that something is coming through with treatment - you know what it's good just to be in the system as you know you need help anc don't want to slip through the net. Write as many threads as you want, ignore advice if you want. But don't give up on yourself.

It's not that you're not cut out to be a Mother, it's that you're ill but you don't do any of the things that you know you need to do.

DD is 14 months. She does not need you to be expressing every 4 hours. She is healthy despite your fears. You are torturing yourself with months and months of no decent sleep for NO reason. You are punishing yourself and she does not NEED breast milk. You are harming her more by doing this because she has an exhausted, unwell and highly anxious Mother who is obsessed with her dying. That outweighs any paranoid idea that you'd be harming her with formula or not being a good enough Mum by not giving breast milk.

It is not your fault you are ill but please, please try to listen this time. Children brought up by terrified and paranoid parents are very likely to become terrified and paranoid themselves. And DS is losing out every day. The best thing you could do for DD and DS is give DD formula, get some sleep, take the medication you need and get better.

Listen to Fighter. That's the best advice you could be given. You are stuck going over and over what you think you've done wrong and how you think you've failed. None of it has a basis in reality. Added to that you are doing things you absolutely don't need to be doing like expressing every four hours, so the situation is made even worse.

All I can see is someone pushing themselves mentally and physically well past their limits. Take the steps Fighter suggests and get healthy again OP. For your sake and for the sake of your kids.

I know your DH doesn't want you taking meds but how does he feel about the rest of it - that you don't leave the house and that you are still expressing every 4 hours?
Has he said anything about all that?

He doesn't care as long as it doesn't impact on him and what he wants to do.
He's away a lot anyway and then he goes out all day every Saturday for his hobby.

And does he know how you feel about the rotavirus thing?

Yes. Although I try not to go on about it as I find most other people aren't as interested in rotavirus as me...
He's not worried. But then it won't be him looking after her will it? In fact he might not even be here when it happens since he's away with work half the month. He hasn't been here this week whilst she's had whatever minor stomach bug she's just had.
He never sat up with ds when he was ill. He always just goes to bed as normal and I deal with it.

Sorry OP I've only quickly looked through the thread, so you may have answered this, but can you speak to someone in real life? mum? Auntie? Gran? Friendly neighbour?

Your thoughts are not premonitions. Although you feel you already know. I can't really remember at which point I started to claw my way out of a terrifying never ending black hole like the one you describe... But I did. And so will you

Your very unsupportive DH is a large part of the problem I think. He can't be blind to how much you are suffering. Please confide in someone else OP and/or write down all your worries, your reluctance to leave the house and the schedule you are keeping up with regard to pumping and lack of sleep and show it to someone in a position to help.

Are you looking after yourself Skatingonthinice?
It could be a good idea to take a good pregnancy & breastfeeding multivitamin? A deficiency of the B-group vitamins, or the minerals magnesium and zinc may contribute to anxiety and depression.

You are not a bad person. You are a person who is very loving and concerned for your children, who is currently feeling so, so unwell with anxiety, fear and depression that you are only just getting by
You are not a bad Mum. You are a loving Mum who is currently so very unwell with anxiety, repetitive thoughts of self blame, sickness, and death that you really are literally skating on thin ice.
It is completely understandable that you can only just manage to stay close to home while you feel so horribly anxious and full of dread.

I think it stinks that you have suffered so long. I know that with support you can get well and be back to being your happy self again.

Imagine being free of thoughts of sickness and death.
You can be back to your old self.

Please urgently see a Dr & listen to InfinityplusOne & Fighter's advice;
give DD formula, get some sleep, take the medication you need and get better.

Your children are not suffering because of rotavirus, they are suffering because their Mum is so unwell she can not leave the house
Time to look after you now...today

Your children need you happy and well

Hi op, I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're exhausted and being really pushed to your limits here. Firstly you need to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and will only make your anxiety worse. Let your partner to look after the children for a weekend and stay in a hotel if that's possible. You will get a nice rest and he might actually begin to appreciate you more. Secondly, try to go back to your gp and get a referral for talking therapy. Also look into getting medication as if you're full of adrenaline it's incredibly difficult to be able to put the cbt advice into place. My dd is almost three and I still use propranolol regularly. Personally I found that the anti depressant that was prescribed to me just made me feel numb and detached from people. Beta blockers work better for me as they stop me getting into such an anxious state and so I can reason myself out of anxiety attacks much more than pre pills. It seems like you're battling on by yourself and you've done an amazing thing to express for so long. However, maybe now is a good time to think about looking after yourself more. Dropping the night feeds at the very least might help you to regain more energy and hopefully reduce your anxiety.

You are not a bad person, but your illness is making you a bad mum.

Why should your children stay at home all half term? They will become socially and emotionally stunted. The irony is your fear of being a bad mum has made you act like one.

You need to allow yourself to make small steps - go to one park trip, or one club, in half term. If you don't, then you are failing your ds and your dd. It's borderline emotional abuse. You can't keep those poor little children prisoner in your house and prisoner of your fears.

Your dh is actually emotionally abusing you. Take the antidepressant and tell him to do one.

I will take them out. It just won't be any fun because I will be so anxious. I would much much rather just stay in.
By the time I've expressed, got them both ready, got ready myself as well as everything we need to take out with us, expressed again so that I have longer whilst we are out...I'm exhausted. And dd then needs a sleep and won't sleep if we are out anywhere so cries and clings to my legs.
If we eat out anywhere or get a drink I have to disinfect all the surfaces first. Then ds will want the toilet and we have to navigate the public toilets. Then it's time to express again and we have to go home and I have to manahandle them back in the car. And ds has additional needs so is hard work all the time, he's more like a 4 year old than a 7 year old and it's just relentless and harrowing and so so so tiring.
Then we get home and I have to express and dd will be crying because she's tired and ds will be whinging and I'm trying to cook dinner and everyone is unhappy and I just stand there wishing I was anyone but me.
I know it's selfish but I feel so trapped.

Stop expressing so often. Your DD would also be fine on cows milk or something else. Or if you want to keep giving her breast milk then express once or twice a day but certainly not on this crazy 4 hr schedule you have yourself on. It's just unnecessary at her age now and it is an example of you punishing yourself for no good reason.

Your DD doesn't need as much milk as you are giving her daily, so it is actually counterproductive to be expressing so much.

By expressing so often you are creating the problem as your body is overproducing for your DDs needs at this age. You are on a schedule more suitable for a newborn. There are ways to step down to a less frequent schedule so your body adjusts. You could look up the guidance for that.

I feel very anxious this morning. I think because I've got both of them on my own all day. The day stretches ahead and I just want to go back to sleep.

hi skating,
Are you confident to try a day of no expressing and just keep one feed? you can use cabbage leaves placed inside your bra to dry u the milk- worked well to ease the fullness when I was weaning my babies.
Or if you prefer, slowly reduce amount of expressing-express 6 hourly, then 7-8 hourly, and so on?

What do you think?