PND and anxiety getting worse

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

You are in the grip of severe anxiety and this is not good for you, or (as you say) your DC. Please, please see your GP again, tell them the extent of it (or write it down for them) and seek help, including medication.

Another poster implies your H is emotionally abusive. If that's the case this will be a factor in your MH problems. He doesn't need to know and doesn't get a say in any treatment you take.

There is help out there.

I saw my GP two weeks ago and she said she would refer me again for CBT and that I should hear something in a week to ten days. I will give them until the end of this week and then chase the referral.

You would be better off building up her immunity with good food and nutrition. That would be a more productive way of managing your anxiety.

My kids are both school-aged and have never had a stomach upset, so it's not inevitable.

What about the meds?

"Self care" clearly isn't working, and you presumably can't afford private counselling, so while waiting for the NHS service meds really might help.

I decided not to give my dd the rotavirus vaccine (she's had all the others but I made an informed choice against that one). She's 16.5 months and fine. A couple of weeks ago she had her first real tummy bug (presumably not rota as we all had it). It wasn't pleasant but she bounced back.

My ds2 (the vaccine wasn't yet being offered routinely when my older two were little) had rotavirus at I think 3 or 4. It was annoying, as it lasted a rather long time, but he was actually fine apart from the diarrhoea. And again, he bounced back.

Thing is I can tell you this, but it won't really help, or at least not properly. You are suffering severe anxiety. Make a fuss to get the help you need. Tell your GP how strongly it is impacting on your life and your children's lives. Get private therapy if you can. Your dc need you to be well and out there with them taking part in life.

I had anxiety after dc was born. Similar fears to you. It started with tiny steps of progress like walking around to block/shops /baby groups. And I always looked back and thought that was good and it was never as bad as I thought. My mum had sever PND which carried on for years and I swore I'd never be like her.this is what also spurred me in because I have memories of my mum not wanting to do anything or take me anywhere and being a distant mother.
It's so hard but you also have to learn to do things that you enjoy and relax.that helps me loads.
Lots of love. I'd have a cuppa with you and a chat if I could xx

I've tried private councelling / CBT. I had ten session at a cost of £55 an hour. At the end the therapist said I was too exhausted to treat. She didn't give me strategies even though she was very nice. I just went and talked for an hour.
She told me I was very borderline for needing medication and that when I got some sleep I would probably feel much better.

I haven't got much sertraline at the moment. The GP offered to prescribe them and I said I wouldn't take them. I probably have some left over from when I was prescribed them...

To a large degree I feel there's just no point because no one can give my daughter the vaccine now. So consequently nothing can ever be right again.

The thing is you are unlikely to get the sleep without the meds. I've been there, with a different cause to my anxiety and I went months on very little sleep. Not that I didn't want it, not that I wasn't exhausted but because the anxiety robbed me of the ability to go, or stay, asleep. I eventually accepted that this couldn't continue, I couldn't think, could barely function and I was miserable. Once I went to the Dr and started meds I felt better very quickly. My sleep improved almost immediately and although it took about 6 weeks for the meds to kick in fully there was a steady improvement during that time.

I also would not have been able to engage with any CBT either as I was so tired but now it's much easier to do something like that.

Don't put off taking the meds if they have been prescribed. You need to put yourself and the children first. Not sure what the story is with your DH but, if has been indicated above, he's not supportive of you taking something, he's part of the problem.

BTW neither of my kids had the rotavirus vaccine. Both have had various bugs including at least one vomiting virus and both are perfectly fine. It's a marker of your severe anxiety that you are looking for the worst cases online and obsessing over them. Getting some help will also give you a healthier perspective about the relative risks, which are minuscule and certainly shouldn't be keeping you housebound.

So consequently nothing can ever be right again.

This is the really worrying thinking pattern here. As I said my children didn't have rotavirus, as I don't live somewhere that offers it and I don't feel like I've damaged them. its also not something that should taint every other aspect of your life. This is not rational thinking, this is your illness speaking. Please OP take the help offered, it screams from the screen how much you need it. I'm so glad I did, I have my life back. Still with the normal frustrations and challenges of parenting and working etc but I can cope with that now, whereas I couldn't before.

Hi OP, you are the only one who can change this situation. You have talked yourself into this state, so YOU have to talk yourself out of it. It will take time but nobody can make you better except you. A missed vaccine can't ruin your lives but not trying to change your thinking is ruining your lives. How you talk to yourself is really important. Personally, I dont think this vaccine is important but since you do, you need to bring yourself back to reality, saying; " I made one mistake but I'm working hard to be the best mum I can be. It's hard but I'm doing great! I did x and x really well today."
Are you in Warwickshire?
X x

The trouble is it's a mistake that has no end. I can't just move on from it as my daughter could get sick with RV at any time. Therefore it just hangs over me like a cloud all the time.
I have periodically considered giving my children up and leaving them with my husband and MiL. You know. Someone who can cope. The only thing that stops me is that my parents would never see them again and they have no other grandchildren. It would destroy them.

Unless a doctor that counsellor was not qualified to comment on how severe your MH issue might be or whether you should take meds.

Perhaps she wasn't very good. Perhaps her approach wasn't a good fit for you. Another counsellor might be able to help.

What does your GP say about the meds? You could probably even just ring up to discuss it, since you've already seen her recently.

Your thinking is very dark.

Is it? It just feels normal now.

The GP said she wouldn't prescribe it if I wouldn't take it as no point and that she thought CBT with the right therapist would help.

You CAN move on from it OP. All mistakes have consequences but you can still enjoy life. My 2 ds's are constantly doing dangerous things but I dont keep them locked in a padded room. I'd like to....but I love them too much. X

You should really consider taking the meds OP. What is stopping you?

My children don't have the rotavirus vaccine and one is just a few months older than your DD. I don't worry about it at all and neither do any of the other parents here (as it's not offered here routinely). It doesn't stop us living our lives and going out with our children. Your thinking on this is abnormal and unhealthy. Can you see that? This is not rational concern, it is severe anxiety that is driving these thoughts. If it wasn't rotavirus it could be any one of a million other worries. In my case it was my own health I became obsessed and extremely anxious about. Anxiety can be vicious, it steals motivation, happiness and peace of mind. However, if you get help OP things could start to feel much better quite quickly. I hope you can start to see that and you will go and get the help you need.

"The only thing that stops me is that my parents would never see them again and they have no other grandchildren. It would destroy them"

A lot of what you say is about other people being soooo fragile. (Your parents, your dd). Really people are very strong, your dd is strong. Trust her. Your parents are strong, trust them. You don't have to make everyone else ok, just you.

Apart from dh the long list of side effects really. I've got no help with the children so if they make me unwell or tired or anything ill be in an even worse position.

All mistakes do have consequences and I wouldn't care if it was me who would be ill. But it's dd who will bear the consequences isn't it?

OP everyone worries to some extent about their dc, it's part of being a parent. When you have your first child nothing is ever the same again, you are never ever truly worry free again.

My youngest is 5, so mine both missed out on rotavirus vaccines, both had it within days of starting at nursery neither were seriously ill. In the grand scheme of things it is not a major illness in most children. There are far more serious things that they can get, not that this is reassuring in any way but you need to get this into perspective.

But it's dd who will bear the consequences isn't it?

What about the best case scenario where they really help and make you better? Surely this would be the best thing for dd?

How can you tell it is rv? As opposed to another bad tummy bug? Unless you are checked at the GP?

Side effects are generally short lasting, if you do get any. It's worth a try OP. I can attest to how much it's helped me, as can other posters.

How can you tell it is rv

Because it is the one that is most common in children, that no one else gets and children are generally immune by the age of 5. So one or two of the first bugs will be it if they aren't vaccinated.

I don't think you can tell. Kids get various bugs all the time. The GP will just give you the standard advice about keeping them hydrated etc. They wouldn't be concerned about a brief dose of D&V in an otherwise healthy child.