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Original poster

PND and anxiety getting worse

169 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 15/02/2017 21:54

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

OP posts:
Footle · 18/02/2017 08:50

Please , when you talk to your doctor , tell her about the expressing and how often you're doing it. It should help her understand the terrible constraints you've placed on yourself. Acute anxiety is an awful condition.

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 08:54

What would help to lighten the day for you and kids?
Can you play a game with them?
Does DS love music? Can you tell them it is music and dancing day. You can then keep music/radio in background while you go about breakfast , dance while you get their food ready? Make eggs and toast?

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 08:58

My dr knows. I told her when I saw her a couple of weeks back. She basically said breast milk won't make much difference now but it was up to me and she wouldn't tell me to stop. She's probably not allowed to given the pressure the NHS put on your to breast feed.
The thing is this last few days whilst dd has had an upset tummy and was sick those couple of times she had three days where she didn't eat much but she did have the breast milk quite willingly so I was glad I was still expressing. It's kind of supported my theory that it's the best thing if they are ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 09:00

I think the problem is the age gap too. Ds likes playing games but dd 'joins in' by eating the pieces and taking everything apart and ds gets annoyed.
His favourite thing is playing football but if I take them to the park I can't play with him as that leaves dd screaming in her buggy. He likes riding his bike but I can't keep up with him with the pushchair. I struggle to find any common ground for them.

OP posts:
InfinityPlusOne · 18/02/2017 09:00

Yes try every 6 hours today for expressing and don't force yourself out of the house for a long period today if you can't do it. Obviously you need to get to a point that you can leave the house happily but today you could try a short walk and try and increase the amount of time. You also need some time to yourself so if your DH won't help look into other possibilities - family,babysitter etc.

Most importantly though you need treatment for this horrendous anxiety. Everything else will follow if you can sort that.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 09:22

I don't understand why everyone doesn't feel like me really. Not about the RV, but about life. It is depressing. It is full of disappointment. People are mainly not very nice. It is bleak. It is futile. It just goes on and on and on and then you get old die if you are lucky or end up in a nursing home if you aren't. My gran died last month aged 96. She'd been in a nursing home. All the money she'd carefully saved and worked for her entire life was spent on sending her somewhere she hated. Most of her possessions were taken to charity shops. All the little trinkets and precious things she'd kept for years that meant something to her given away.
What's the point? Just generally. What's the point?

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 18/02/2017 09:30

I think skating that realising life is actually incredibly hard is part of growing up. But it isn't something that any of us can change. You have to make the most of the good parts of it, the love from those around you and live for the moment. I lost my DM last year so I disagree the unlucky end up in nursing home, the unlucky people die prematurely and dont get to see their grandchildren/ children grow up or don't get to grow up themselves. Growing old I see as a privilege and it is one that I hope I have.

Basicbrown · 18/02/2017 09:32

I also think that people are mainly nice. We all have our quirks and foibles but fundamentally there is good in most people, I take the approach of looking for good in people rather than the bad.

InfinityPlusOne · 18/02/2017 09:52

I felt like you did Skating. I don't feel like that now though. I still find things hard and get upset from time to time but I can also enjoy the nice moments and not spend so much time focused on the bad or what might happen in the future. My mother always refers to that worry about bad things that might, but probably won't, happen as 'borrowing trouble'. You spend so much time forecasting horrors for the future that you can't see the good things in your life right now and you can't put any challenging or hard things into perspective. It's also such a waste of energy to obsess over things that might never come to pass.

I don't feel like that now because I got help. I'm not so overwhelmed, panicky and exhausted. Life is much better and yours could be too.

Cinnamon2013 · 18/02/2017 09:57

What Infinity just said. You are unwell and there is potential for you to be well. Well people still get down. But not like this.

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:04

Well done, you have done really well with the breast feeding Also, for sure it helps when little ones are very ill, but otherwise DD is needing more and more solid foods now she is 14 months.
But do you feel confident to drop the expressing, and know your DD is OK to move on without the breastmilk, or with just a daily feed?
For sure it seems to be a strain on you to be 4 hourly expressing. As others sai, then you can go out and about more.
I found expressing really hard too, and am amazed how long you've lasted.

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:16

Sorry for your loss Skating I am not quick with this mumsnet game xo

midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:24

It is a sad time for your family, having only a months ago lost your gran :( Do you have others in family you can chat with, and share your grief with?

Did you manage to hop up for breakfast with your little ones? How is your DD and DS today Skating?

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 10:28

This is why I don't try and go out
Got them both ready. They were in hallway with shoes on and I just had to run upstairs to get my blood tester and made the error of leaving them in the hallway. Ds picked dd up (been told not to) and dropped her. She's fallen on her face and her lip is bleeding. She won't stop screaming.
Why do I bother? It's all fucking pointless isn't it? I'm not fit to look after them.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 18/02/2017 10:41

yeah it is very hard when they are this young. I had similar issues with mine. Don't let it stop you going out -just book in to check her out at GP when there is a free appointment? Is little DD OK?
Can you book in to take her to the GP to get checked out? You're not a shit Mum- we've all been through trials and tribulations such as this. Normal crazy busy life with small children
In the meantime can you take them out, after stopping lip bleeding? Poor little DS was only trying to help.

InfinityPlusOne · 18/02/2017 10:50

You are not a shit mum. I have two - DS almost 6 and DD 22 months so I understand the frustrations of the age gap and dealing with the different needs of both. I've also had a similar experience to the one you had this morning - many times. It doesn't make me a shit mum, it just means that shit happens. You need help at the moment but, if you get it, you won't need it forever. The first step is to acknowledge you need it and then ask for it.

You can also do things to help yourself in the meantime. Stop expressing so much, try to get more rest, insist your DH helps more (being a SAHM does not mean you are on duty 24/7), open up to friends or family if that's possible, get some time away from the kids even if you have to get a babysitter. Your DH is either one of the most selfish men I've read about here to not notice what is going on or he is oblivious which is just as bad. He needs to wake up and step up.

Sassenach85 · 18/02/2017 12:39

Blood tester?

Footle · 18/02/2017 13:58

Sassenach, presumably OP has diabetes. BG monitor.

Sassenach85 · 18/02/2017 14:06

Ah I see. Sorry I couldn't think what that might be.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 18:26

Yes I'm a type 1 diabetic.

OP posts:
Footle · 18/02/2017 20:26

So that's another thing requiring your attention : it must be hard balancing your diet with the breast feeding. Your parents must have had a lot of anxiety about you when you developed diabetes.
I read what you wrote about life being pointless. I'm old and sometimes it's hard to be positive when another friend gets ill and won't get better, or world affairs take a turn for the worse.

But I absolutely refuse to accept that gloom and misery are all there is to life. Once you start to feel better it will all change for you - you're struggling in great difficulty , with no input from the man who should be loving you and helping with all his might. You will enjoy your children and make friends again, and find your reasons for living.

I do think the expressing is taking too much out of you. You've done magnificently but you can think of weaning her now. Remember her iron stores will be dwindling now and she needs room in her tum for different foods.

Sassenach85 · 18/02/2017 20:32

How are you feeling tonight OP?

MN always here for a hand hold Flowers

Sassenach85 · 18/02/2017 20:39

Does it help to hear of other people's experiences who have come through it?

Right now do you feel like you want to get better?

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 18/02/2017 22:40

It does but I can't imagine it ever being me.
I am so hopelessly stuck.
Ds wants to go out tomorrow for the day so I will have to express in the car both ways and I hate that. It's all such hard work. And even whilst we are out it will be hard work. There's no pleasure in it, I just wait for it to be over so I can go home. Then I just wait for the day to be over so I can go to bed. All the time I'm just waiting for it to be over.

The diabetes must have been a huge worry for my parents - I worry about passing it on to my dc too. I think that might be the actual end of me. I used to be very careful and really look after myself but now I don't care. If it knocks a few extra years off my lifespan then it's all good.

OP posts:
InfinityPlusOne · 18/02/2017 22:58

Skating you are suffering from depression and anxiety from what I am reading. You've been advised by many posters now to go and get help. I know you've spoken to your GP already but I can't imagine you've explained the depth of your feelings, if you had I believe you would have already received more help.

Lots of us think you would benefit from medication. There have also been repeated posts advising you to stop expressing, or at a minimum stop doing it so frequently. There is no need to keep doing it so often and you are just punishing yourself keeping up that timetable. I think you would see that if you weren't so deeply depressed. You really do need help, is there no one you can talk to amongst your friends and family?