PND and anxiety getting worse

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dd is now nearly 14 months. I've posted under other names about my situation but it is long and dull. To summarise she was prem, for various reasons (illness and misinformation) I delayed her rotavirus vaccine and then when I took her for it it was too late for her to have it.
This decision has ruined my life. And her life. And the life of my older child.

By 14 months ds had been swimming practically since he was born, to loads of baby groups / stay and plays, been to soft plays, been to children's farms - anything that was vaguely suitable for his age he'd done.
In contrast dd has done nothing. I barely take her out the house.

I was under the perinatal team who prescribed my sertraline that dh didn't wasn't me to take as I was and still am feeding and then referred me for CBT. I heard nothing for serveral months so paid privately for a number of sessions which made no difference and the therapist said I was too tired for it to have any meaningful difference.
Went to GP for unrelated issue and got upset and the whole sorry story came out and she referred me again for CBT but I still haven't heard anything.
Thing is they're so stretched aren't they? Non-essential services are being cut all over the place

So I'm still here. Stuck. Twelve months down the line and no better. Scared to leave the house, yet the house feels sinister. Convinced something awful is going to happen. I'm completely isolated and haven't seen any of my friends for months and months to the point where I no longer have any friends. I lie awake at night and plan dd's funeral, tying myself in knots over whether I'd have her cremated or buried. Imagining having to call my parents and tell them that she's died. It's so real that it feels like it's happening.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. If I could press a button and just not be any more then I would in a heartbeat. It feels like all the sadness that ever was and ever will be is resting on me.

Not really.
I have no friends anymore although even if I did I probably wouldn't be candid about everything.
My family is so small as to be practically non-existent. It's just me and my parents and I think they've been worried enough. They know I'm not very happy and i'm anxious of course but there's not much they can do it there?
I've filled in my questionnaire and will post it back on Monday.
I don't think I can bring myself to take he medication at the moment.

What is stopping you taking medication?
First it was your husband
Then it was the pumping
Now it's that you can't bring yourself to do it
Do you feel you deserve to get better?

How can we help? Let us know what you need to become unstuck?

This Old Ghost

Many people with OCD suffer in silence with their illness

Their lives are miserable, constantly controlled by their compulsions, and the perceived need to do what they feel will alleviate the horrible anxiety derived from obsessive thoughts that torment them, day and night.

Do you feel you may have obsessive thoughts of rotavirus that haunt you like the ghost in this video
Do you feel overwhelming compulsions to express breastmilk 4 hourly for your 14 month old DD

You are not alone, if you feel any of this 'rings true' there are support groups, and people that can help
Call 0845 120 3778 or 0345 120 3778.
Email: [email protected]

Well done on filling out the questionnaire.

Medication, expressing - all of these things are your choice.

Do not feel pressured by other posters. Seek help but the hep

Are there any medical reasons why your DD can't have cows milk?

Dh off to the gym and then to see his friends so I've another day with the children. Another long day. I want to go back to bed but sadly this isn't an option. Ds wants a 'proper day out' somewhere. I used to take him on days out at least twice a month. Full days to museums or adventure farms or zoos. I think he really notices now we don't do anything.

It is interesting re the OCD. I do feel like the expressing isn't a choice, I have to do it or something awful will happen. It makes me miserable and exhausted but as soon as I relax and am off my guard I feel like that's when the something terrible will start.

Am I right in thinking that you have expressed all of this to your DH but he isn't interested? I mean - I used to cry when my DH went to work because I felt I couldn't cope- and although he wasn't hugely sympathetic and although I didn't really tell him how bad I felt ... He would never have gone out to socialise and left me that way. I'm just wondering if all of this is stemming from a hugely unsupportive husband before this possible OCD/PND?

Yes he knows. He makes all the right noises about how I need more sleep and I need a rest etc but then does nothing to help that happen.

Many of us have felt stuck in a dark place, as you feel right now, including myself. I' truly feel for you. Please believe others that when they say, the future you will look back at this time, and be urging you to reach out and take the step to seek help, to get to being that future happier, calmer you, sooner rather than later, if you know what I mean
Your husband needs to take the kids out. But I get a strong sense from you he opts out of taking responsibility for what kids need to be happy, and working towards improving the children's wellbeing?

Don't give up Keep reaching out and seek help to get unstuck, and get back to the happy you, able to take out DD, and DS for all day outings.

You can and will get through this with support xxxooo

Reading about your husband makes me so angry. He is opting out of parenting and of being your partner to suit himself. He is so utterly selfish it's ridiculous. I think you should make it crystal clear to him that you are really struggling and that he has to take over (not just help but actually take over) with the kids on the weekend/evenings to allow you to rest.

I'd also tell your parents, I know you worry about upsetting them but you need help and keeping all his to yourself isn't helping at all.

I've not read the whole thread yet but you do sound very stressed and lonely. Could you put your DD in nursery part time to get some time to yourself or go along to a Mum and baby group for some company and the chance to develop a social group - you could make some friends there and arrange nights out so you have some fun times to look forward to.

I couldn't live with a DH who acts as yours does but that's something for you to decide whether you are prepared to continue to live like that or to leave him.

I think your first thing to do is to see your doctor for some long term help and the right medication.

If I do a bit of soul searching here OP I reckon these are the things that helped me-

Did controlled crying to get DD to nap during day she had been very unwell with silent reflux and I literally didn't get one minute to rest my mind or body. I suffered for so long because I blamed myself for her reflux and traumatic birth and pretty much anything else I could lame myself for.

I went back to work 3 days a week when she was 14 months old and this was very hard to let go of control but the physical and mental space helped me to feel like me again

My DD got a bit easier to handle and I got a bit more vocal about DH helping.

So sleep, rest, time away from house/family responsibilities and DH helping more.

It would be a long post if I went away into all of the things I felt but I can tell you I know how you feel.

It's a dark never ending tunnel and you will feel that nobody understands but we do. I wish I had posted on MN when I felt as low as you do.

I clawed my way out of that tunnel. I found a speck of light and I followed it without looking back. Slowly slowly you will feel lighter. Your mind will start to clear. My oh can do this OP. I didn't have meds and I pretty much helped myself. But in retrospect maybe I could have escaped that tunnel quicker with proper meds.

Please listen to advice here. When OP comes home just get up and walk out. He will survive and so will the kids. You cannot carry on like this. Ten minutes of fresh air on your own can work miracles when you feel like this.

Big hugs

Midsumma, thank you for that link.

**OH comes home

InfinityPlusone Your words echo my thoughts.

Having gone through feeling in the depths of despair when my children were young, I too, 'get' how utterly crap it is that your DH refuses to acknowledge his role in supporting both you and your children.

Your dH appears to be the typical oldfashioned 1950's style 'absent father' I hope he can 'get on board' more, and if not, that you feel OK to open up to your Mum and Dad that you need support? None of us can get through it alone. Please consider reaching out to others too- be it a support group, trusted Dr/nurse/psychologist/social worker

Footle I am learning stuff I didn't know- for myself and a dear friend who has had symptoms too. Op you have actually helped me seek out a great website that is helpful for me too- so thank-you, too

How's things OP?

Hi, about the same I think. Thank you for asking after me.

I sent back my healthy minds questionnaire thing so hopefully should hear something soon.
I've just read 16 pages of posts on a forum where people's kids had rotavirus and now I feel dreadful again. I don't know why I do it to myself. Just the thought of dd in pain and ill and in hospital when I could have prevented it makes me feel sick myself.

The thing I don't get is this. In all I've read it talks about acute d & v and how it lasts 9 days etc and states that all children by the age of 5 would have at least one episode of it.
And yet ds never had any vomiting bug that lasted longer than 24 hours and never had an upset stomach, I don't recall my friend's children who were too old to be vaccinated having anything like that either or my dh's six nieces and nephews...
but when I read about it it sounds horrific. Like the worst thing ever. Stomach cramps, dehydration, shock, fits etc. It presents it as all children suffering these symptoms. But surely it must not be as severe in every case? Because no one ever mentioned it when I had ds. No one ever said 'oh be careful because at some point he will catch this awful d&v bug.'

You are ill. You are never reassured by these threads because you are ill.

The advice you have been given repeatedly over the last year stands.

You will not get better until you listen to it and I mean this very kindly but all the support you have been given hasn't helped you one bit. Take medication. Stop expressing. When you get some sleep and take medication, you can hopefully tackle the issues in your relationship.

Nothing will change until you start taking medication and stop torturing yourself with unecessary expressing which is perpetuating your sleep deprivation and your illness. Nothing.

Agree, this is not about rotavirus. Stop reading about rotavirus, it is an obsession that is fuelling your anxiety.
Can you phone up today and see if they received your questionnaire?

In the crowded room of your mind there must be one voice telling you this is not normal and that you shouldn't behave this way?

Listen to it. You need to see an actual doctor ASAP and really express all of the aspects of your OCD, PND and anxiety.

You will never get better unless you want to.

Do you want to live like this? You have a choice believe it or not and you are choosing to fuel your own fears and compulsions over the happiness of your lovely DC. You are unlucky that no one in real life can guide you but it doesn't change anything. You must change this pattern of behaviour for yourself and your children.

Please stop breastfeeding and get some sleep. DH can and will manage if you tell him to

Skating, it's so sad and frustrating to want to help you but know that you can't hear the voices responding to your cries for help. Somewhere you must be aware that most kids in our society make it to adulthood in spite of the dangers of being in the world, and yours are no different.

Most kids do but not all. Not all by a long shot.
There's just no guarantees and that's where I'm struggling. I know it's the same for everyone but I'm so certain something awful is going to happen.