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Mental health

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Original poster

To want to be beautiful

97 replies

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 19:05

Or at least attractive

I actually want to kill myself because of how bad I feel. I have a good job, earn good money and am well educated but cripplingly lonely (despite on the surface having lots of friends) and my feelings that I look ugly/different/unpolished/like I don't fit in are ruining every aspect of my life. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 10/02/2017 19:12

To some extent but always remember that there are worse out there than me. I am not in an unsafe country, dodging bullets, walking miles for not even clean water. Would be nice if I had a permanent job, yes but hey ho. I don't think I am ugly but there is certainly room for improvement.

I am sure you are just feeling low and have negative thoughts at the moment.

I read somewhere that it is helpful to keep a journal and jot down things to be thankful for and/or things that made you feel good/things that went well.

Hopefully someone more qualified will post soon!

TheProblemOfSusan · 10/02/2017 19:16

That level of dislike for yourself sounds awful, I'm so sorry. Have you ever talked to anyone about this? You saying it's ruining your life sounds like it's a bit more serious than feeling a bit low about yourself like we all sometimes do - you might consider seeing your GP about it.

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 19:17

I know and thank you those are all good points. I have an idealised image in my head of how I want to look and want to be like that - its really killing me. Some days I feel better than others about it. Some days I feel pretty, most I feel like a horrible troll. It's affecting the way I interact with people, my confidence, my career and my whole life really. Needless to say I'm not brave enough or ready enough for a relationship. It has made me into a horrible anxious nervous wreck. I hate it I hate it I hate it

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sabzii · 10/02/2017 19:17

Yes, when I was in my late teens and depressed with anorexia. These days I'm very confident about how I look.

Do you believe you actually are 'different' or is it a state of mind? Have you had any talking therapy eg CBT/NLP/counselling?

You say you feel 'unpolished'. How much time do you spend grooming? Do you get your hair cut and coloured regularly, spend time blow-drying it, do your nails, shop for clothes that fit well, work out regularly? There is so much you can do to achieve the 'look' you want. Grooming and dressing well are skills you can learn.

What is it about your appearence you dislike?

TheProblemOfSusan · 10/02/2017 19:17

Also the suicide ideation is really worrying, I should have added that. Please tell the GP. You can always call people like the Samaritans to talk through things.

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 19:18

I've just turned 25 if that makes a difference

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HelloFreedom · 10/02/2017 19:44

OP, this level of anxiety and misery is unlikely be proportionate to your outward appearance. Please see your GP, tell them how desperately unhappy you are. You need support.

From a completely lay-person perspective, this reads like body dysmorphic disorder.

KathArtic · 10/02/2017 19:58

Funnily enough I was just thinking of a colleague this morning. She's funny, always happy and wears bright clothes, but is always a little scruffy. Her hair is dishevelled, and she's a well-worn 50 something. She's fun to be around, makes you laugh and has loads of friends.

It's not what you look like.

GlumsTheWord · 10/02/2017 20:00

I suffer from low confidence and a some social anxiety. One of the things that really helps me is when I walk down the street, I properly look at all the people around me - what they look like, how they behave. I have found that very few people indeed are polished or stylish or beautiful. It is easy when you have low confidence to get so wrapped up in your own anxiety that you miss what is going on around you.

daisychain01 · 10/02/2017 20:06

The fact you have lots of friends says to me you are someone who is lovely to be around.

Don't beat yourself up about looks, they are highly over rated. Get on with enriching your life with meaningful, warm relationships, value those people and you'll find you need to focus on how you look externally less and less.

But there's nothing wrong with cultivating a style for yourself, with hair, makeup and clothes. A new look can be like reinventing yourself!

VestalVirgin · 10/02/2017 20:08

I have a good job, earn good money and am well educated but cripplingly lonely (despite on the surface having lots of friends) and my feelings that I look ugly/different/unpolished/like I don't fit in are ruining every aspect of my life.

Why do you feel lonely? Is it that your friends don't want to talk about the things that really matter to you? Or is it more that you haven't even tried to, because you think they wouldn't be interested in your thoughts?

From a completely lay-person perspective, this reads like body dysmorphic disorder.

I thought of that, too.

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:09

I look at people too and they all look perfect to me - perhaps it's because where I live and work (nice part of london) but I feel disgusting. Without sounding arrogant I've always been able to get what I wanted if I worked hard enough but this is something that continues to elude me. I had a nose job last year and am still disgusting. The other girls at work are effortless stunners and I feel like shit in comparison

OP posts:

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:10

Sometimes (albeit rarely) I seem to get second glances/turn heads

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NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 10/02/2017 20:15

I had a nose job last year and am still disgusting This statement makes me think body dysmorphia too, please speak to someone -you have lots of friends so are clearly good to be around. My guess is you're actually pretty but just don't see it, that said you really shouldn't judge on looks, everyones perception of beauty is different.

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 20:16

Would it help if I explained that at times in my life I feel as though I shouldn't go out because my face is awful? Criminal looking?
Most of the time I like to wear eyeliner and lippy, it really makes a difference to how I look so I prefer not to go out without it.
Sometimes though, I feel as though I need to work really hard to reach 'respectable'. It will take several goes at make up and hair, to get myself looking 'respectable'. I feel as though my eyes are too small and close together. I look like a mug shot of myself.

Presumably I actually don't look that different from day to day, it is my mind/attitude/emotion playing tricks on me.

I think you may need a bit of support working through this, OP.

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:20

I'm not good to be around though - I feel like people at work think I'm weird, I'm moved back to uni city for work and everyone has gone, it's really hard and close family spend their weekends with their significant others. My two closest friends live in different cities and my housemates are fine but annoying - one I really get on with and like, the other two are selfish and wrapped up in their own petty problens. They are both beautiful attention seekers with loving boyfriends who cry about stupid arguments they've had, I comfort them then they're fine. One of them probably wants my absolutely fledgling career but I would kill to have their perceived relationship stability and looks

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Jenniferb21 · 10/02/2017 20:21

I see everyone as beautiful and if someone is confident and smiles it usually makes us appear more beautiful to others.

I always feel so good when I have my hair died/ cut why not try something new? Get some ideas off google images/ Pinterest. Get some new clothes you feel flatter your figure. If it's your figure join slimming world start to feel good about yourself.

I'm sorry you feel this way, the answer is to feel better on the inside first. So perhaps seeking help from your GP or a private councillor could help you work on your self esteem and self worth

Good luck xxx

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:22

If I feel good it is to be blunt when I have received positive male attention and thus don't feel hideous. Then I feel confident and like I could take on the world

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Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:22

I look like my dad

OP posts:

Eolian · 10/02/2017 20:31

Maybe some of the people you perceive as stunning have similar feelings and think they are unattractive. What would you say to somebody who felt they were ugly but actually looked perfectly fine?

The fact that you refer to your friends' perceived relationship stability and looks suggests that somewhere deep down, you know that this is all just a front. It's not to do with having a real loving relationship or real beauty, it's about self-esteem, insecurity and how people project themselves.

In any case, beauty is a double-edged sword. Those who have it are often not made happy by it, but then are unhappy when they grow older and no longer get the attention. I'm ordinary looking and have no desire at all to be beautiful or even particularly polished. Other things in life are much more important.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/02/2017 20:34

Do speak to someone about how you are feeling.
You are a young woman, and I bet you are very attractive.
Also you must remember, that we all have our own ideas of what beautiful looks like. One man's meat is another man's poison, as the saying goes.
I'm a lot older than you, please don't feel patronised, but beauty truly does come from within, the more comfortable you are, in your own skin, the more people will want to be around you.
Why not go into one of the big stores, take advice from the expert beauticians, and have a free hair consultation, see how you feel then.
I think you sound rather lovely, do address this problem though, you should be happy, and enjoying life. 🌺

PleasantPhesant · 10/02/2017 20:37

Would you be willing to put a photo of you here? I bet you look nothing like a troll.

I look like me dad too. I have a huge nose like my dad and I can't afford a nose job so I'm stuck with it.

Tulipss · 10/02/2017 20:40

I bet you are a very attractive lady but it sounds like you are suffering from body dysmorphia. Please do seek help, I would suggest talking to your GP and asking to be referred to a counsellor. I am 40 years old and had periods in my life where I have hated my looks - wished my nose was smaller and more refined, my face was thinner, that I was taller, slimmer etc. I have now accepted that this is the body and face I was given and I am happy with it. I'm not beautiful but I'm relatively attractive and I think a great, kind, personality can make a person extremely attractive regardless of how they look. I know I'm not beautiful, but I have now accepted me for who I am and honestly wouldn't want to change. I actually find imperfections in people very attractive and that perfection is actually rather dull and boring.

Original poster

Niyoniyo · 10/02/2017 20:50

I would put a photo of myself up yes but I'm very concerned someone will recognise me

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neveradullmoment99 · 10/02/2017 20:52

Honestly, beauty can come just as much from within. You have to learn to love yourself or even like yourself. I have met plenty people in my life time who are not stunningly beautiful or even pretty but they are such lovely people that they exude beauty and are just lovely to be around. I am also quite sure you are not as bad as you think you are. You have youth on your side too. You need to focus on other things that make you happy and as for your looks, focus on the parts you like and those that you dislike try to make the best of. I am wondering if you are a bit depressed. Maybe a bit of depression is making you feel so bad about yourself. Maybe because you feel lonely, you are focusing on your looks when in reality you are a bit depressed that in turn can make you feel down, lonely and unhappy and you are maybe blaming how others interact with you on your looks? Just a thought. Maybe worth trying to confront what is upsetting you deep down? Could you talk to the doctor about how you feel?

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