To want to be beautiful

[Niyoniyo]

Or at least attractive

I actually want to kill myself because of how bad I feel. I have a good job, earn good money and am well educated but cripplingly lonely (despite on the surface having lots of friends) and my feelings that I look ugly/different/unpolished/like I don't fit in are ruining every aspect of my life. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

It's oft said beauty is wasted on the young! I suspect you are perfectly reasonable looking, pretty even. I suspect you would be far more attractive if you smiled and projected a more positive image of yourself. If you pretend to be confident and outgoing long enough, it becomes a reality. There are many people that are well loved, successful and happy that are less than perfect appearance wise. Their secret is to learn to like themselves, to acknowledge their strengths and build on those. Force yourself out there to meet a few more people- badminton, a book club, bridge, Zumba anything that isn't sitting feeling sorry for yourself. Smile at three strangers a day. Start at least one conversation a day albeit with the supermarket cashier or bus driver. You'll get smiles back, and that makes you feel good then it is an upwards spiral.

You sound thoroughly miserable :(

I know it's possible to look lovely yet see yourself as hideous. Its a real thing. Please speak to your GP because there is help out there.

My late DM honestly thought she was monstrous. She would do anything to avoid having her photo taken, she couldn't bear to see any. She was absolutely lovely she really was and had a lot of (unwanted) male attention throughout her life. In her case it was being unfavourably compared to her younger sister who had golden ringlets and a Shirley Temple features. My Mum was dark, olive skinned but these weren't seen as positive things to have despite her being equally beautiful to her sister.

Please think about talking to someone about how you feel. It's awful to think of you suffering so much. I agree that beautiful people do have some advantages in life but that doesn't mean they are happy, fulfilled or can cope with the stuff life chucks at them any better than anyone else.

I remember my lovely nan, who has now sadly died, telling me about her best friend. My nan, was always very blunt, but very wise and said that this friend of hers was not very pretty and had a great big nose, but her personality was the warmest, the kindest and most generous of anyone she had every known and that she wasn't surprised she had managed to bag such a handsome and successful husband. In my opinion personality is what counts. Have you ever seen the film Green Card with Gerard Depardieu? he is a French man with a great big nose who is uncouth, but extremely charismatic, kind and romantic and the beautiful Andy Mcdowel falls in love with him. I found him very attractive in this film and I would rather have him than someone classically good looking but dull as dishwater like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I'm talking from a womens perspective but I reckon most (decent) men would feel the same.

That's a nice story but not true in my experience- men always go for beauty

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :(

I know what you mean about beauty having too much value placed on it for women.

If it helps, and I really hope you understand I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I'm just saying to illustrate how much our negative self perceptions are in our heads - I've been told all my life from very young that I'm pretty, but there have been many times I don't feel this way about myself.

Before I met my DP I also craved male validation, it was the only way (and sometimes is on my lower, more insecure days) I could feel properly good about myself. But you honestly do get to a point in life where you feel so different. It doesn't come on it's own though, it genuinely (and I'm aware this might sound horribly cliche and corny) really does come from self love, which breeds self confidence, which is attractive in itself.

You need to work on your own mental perception of yourself, and if it helps, make lots of effort! It really boosts my confidence to know I'm looking my best, and changes how I interact with people for the better. It is truly sad how much self worth can be placed on appearance, particularly for women, but there's no point pretending it doesn't exist.

Come on OP, get your hair done, pluck/wax/preen, treat yourself to a consultation at a makeup counter and get a new set of flattering cosmetics, update your wardrobe and just have fun with yourself. Insecurity really is a bitch, I know. But you said yourself, you turn heads already ;)

I work in finance and all the women are intelligent and stunning.

I hear you, OP. I worked in finance too....but I bet what is actually the case is that all the women are intelligent and well groomed.

A very small proportion of women are naturally stunning. Would look good naked/no make up etc. For the rest of us, it's all about grooming and appearance to some degree or other. So - do whatever makes you feel good about you. If that's make up every day, do that. If it's nice underwear, wear that. If it's nice earrings, buy some and wear them. You get my drift. Ironically, I think confidence is as attractive a quality (to men as well) as anything else. Focus on your good points and work on yours.

PS. I don't know if this is helpful or completely patronising, but at 25? I'd have felt a lot like you describe. In my 40s, I'm considered very attractive and I have 10x the self confidence I did....while at the same time laughing ironically to myself that I wish I looked like I did when I was 25.

Yes, I do understand how you feel. I am not very attractive either and all my life I have felt like people don't want to be around me because of the way I look. It's great that you haven't shut yourself away from the world but the bit about you wanting to kill yourself worries me - perhaps a visit to your GP would be a start?

I do want to shut myself off - have booked some time off work next week to ostensibky regroup but will be shutting myself off and enjoying it. I hate people

I work in The City....successful, work in financial services.

My DP (who is a personal trainer) recently proposed.

I'm a size 20....not everything is about looks.

I bet you're pretty though Stumbly

I work in the city too and everyone is confident or beautiful or both

I have always been considered pretty by others. Life hasn't been any easier as a result. All people have insecurities. Being attractive hasn't cured my social anxiety, depression or addiction problems.

You're a young woman with clearly a lot going well for you. It sounds like your problem is in your head. If you were prettier perhaps there'd be something else making you unhappy.

It's funny, we know that looks are just superficial and yet we can't stop wanting it. I was looking at pictures of poor Tara TP earlier in the week and thinking she was just so gorgeous and yet look how sad she clearly was? We know it in our hearts but can't help but be swept along by the illusion that everything will be ok and perfect if only we looked like that. I sometimes think I would give so much just to be pretty yet alone beautiful but then have to be grateful that I am alive and well. I also hate that we put so much by looks.

Did anyone hear the R4 article this morning on Woman's Hour about the anorexic model whose written a book called Size Zero I think? Awful really awful.

OP you do sound as though your feelings have got out of hand though and might need a little help talking it through with someone ?

I work in the city too and everyone is confident or beautiful or both

No, everyone is good at appearing confident or making themselves look beautiful or both.

It doesn't help that you work in such a beauty obsessed environment. Plus we live in a time/culture where beauty and appearance is obsessed over more than ever. I think it is really toxic.
I think a lot of men do go for women who are physically attractive but that's also to do with this looks obsessed culture we live in.
I remember reading somewhere about an academic who studied the diaries of young girls in the 18th century and compared them to diaries of young girls in more recent times (1990s or something). Back then the diary entries were full of girls obsessing over character flaws and what to do about them, it was all stuff to do with who they were within relationships and socially and things like that. Whereas recent diaries showed girls obsessing purely over their looks.
I personally think that the best way forward is not to try and convince yourself that you are indeed beautiful, in other words not to worry or dwell on your level of attractiveness but just to set that aside in your mind and pursue what you're passionate about. What makes you feel alive, what makes you come alive, what stuff did you love doing as a kid.
It looks like you're already making observations about the way things are (like, the way looks really over valued) and it's depressing you - but maybe you could fight against these values in your mind and in your life by refusing to live your life by them, by resisting getting sucked into that lie that we all have to be perfect looking and there's this narrowly defined definition of beauty.
I'd recommend to you the book Living Dolls - it's a great book about this topic (how sadly looks obsessed our society is and the negative impact on girls and women).

I'll bet there is plenty that is beautiful about you, you just can't see it because you're looking at yourself through the narrow lense of what our society says is beautiful.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

From a man's point of view attractiveness is more how YOU are than how you look. You are struggling at the moment for which I hope you get help but really 'beauty' is in the person not the 'looks'.
A 'real stunner' may turn heads initially but to back this up with a brilliant personality worthy of a good relationship is pretty difficult.
Don't give up.

Please find some help OP, don't let those feelings poison your life.

I placed too much importance on looks when I was younger, and often felt "ugly". What a waste of life that was. These feelings are very irrational. I was beautiful and so are you! No need to post a picture. It's about how you carry yourself, about being happy in the first place. And you need to find a way to be happy. You owe it yourself. Because you're worth it!

Some posters up thread said enjoy fashion/styling and I agree absolutely, and others said don't focus on beauty. That is wise advice too. I guess we need to find a balance. And please ditch the mirrors. It's plenty to spend 15 mins in the morning to apply makeup and more time in front of our own reflection just increases anxiety.

In the end it shouldn't be about how your body looks but what you can do with it. This is what I remember from the book "the beauty myth" by Naomi Wolf. For some people confidence comes later in life and I think you'd benefit from working on yours...

Please, please talk to someone professional about this. I promise that the way you are feeling is a distortion of the truth and you can feel better but you need a bit of help.

Also, not the this is the root of the issue, but. I work in the City. I see City people all day. I know what you mean, there's a lot of put together people. But they're all just people, normal people who look normal - some with nicer suits, some with better hair. My particular anxieties are not to do with appearances so I can see this.

I find these things difficult to talk about - also I've had counselling before regarding other things and found it an expensive and patronising waste of time

Do you think I could print off this thread and show it to the person

I'd be willing to bet serious money that you are very far from 'disgusting'. I used to live in London and there are lots of well-groomed and 'glossy' people there for sure, especially in the City. So what. They have no greater capacity for happiness than anyone else. Your looks do not define you. I wish I'd understood that at your age. I suspect your appearance has become the 'carrier' of your negative feelings.

Do you think I could print off this thread and show it to the person

Of course you can. If you find it hard talking about it, then showing your thoughts/feelings in written form is fine.

Counselling and talking therapies are so dependent on the person you see. Yes, some are bloody useless/patronising etc but some can really be helpful so please don't write the whole thing off on the basis of one or two people you didn't find useful. Anyone you see should be a member of BACP (British Assoc of Counselling and Psychotherapy). They have a list of people with their specialities listed.

They say "beauty is wasted on the young" but not when you're covered in acne scars and spots - still at age 25! I could've written this post. I've hated the way I look since I can remember, and now I have a little girl to deal with and not as much time to "hide my flaws" I feel I hate myself MORE and the way I look even more. I know I have a "beautiful face and features" but I cannot (and will not) see past these ugly pink scars that face me every day in the mirror. I know I am lucky, for I have a loving partner that I've been with for over 2 years, who has given me a beautiful child and seen me at my worst. I want to beautiful and stunning. But in this face, this skin I never will be! My man says he's loves me as I am but I cannot accept that or feel comfortable in my own skin. It's made me a recluse. And when I put on make up I can still see the ugliness and the imperfections even though I HAVE to do it for "the outside world" I just pray and pray for smooth beautiful skin like everyone else I see seems to have......it's the one thing holding me back in my life and it's fucking hard every day to deal with!!

You could use this thread to pick out some bullet points to use in counselling. If you go. TBH the main thing that comes across from reading your posts is how bitter you are that 'pretty ppl' have everything easy, and you feel like you have nothing going for you because you are not (in your eyes) pretty enough for this to happen for you. Despite getting 'second glances' and feeling great when you do get male attention. You have also stated that you are not willing to put in the time that some others do in order to look as polished (or whatever).

Taking all of this into account it does not sound like either straightforward body dysmorphia or depression. Yes, aspects of each have been touched upon, but you seem to have a problematic attitude to other people's good fortune. Maybe this would be a good place to start with professional help? (Although it's also concerning that you mentioned having previous help, and saw it all as expensive and patronising, I believe we're the words used). Until you are willing to put positive effort in to change your mindset, little will change.
Good luck OP.

And I'm not saying that you are trying, just that this mindset seems to be the crux of the problem. I know how hard it is to deal with this sort of thing. All the best op