Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

I'm already lying to my doctor...

277 replies

Illyria · 22/02/2007 17:46

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

OP posts:
swoosh · 25/02/2007 14:21

Hope you're ok today. Lack of sleep never helps, I know...

cinnamontam · 25/02/2007 23:04

Hey mate
Sorry I haven't been on today. We are getting the house painted tomorrow and had to strip wallpaper off the nursery and move everything so was a bit of a manic day. Hope yours wasn't too bad. Talk to you tomorrow I'm sure. Sweet dreams
xx

mummylin2495 · 26/02/2007 10:06

good morning illyria hope you had abetter nights sleep last night.hope the sun is shining to boost you up a bit,it is here on the south coast.will be in touch later.

Original poster
Illyria · 26/02/2007 10:33

Even less sleep than the night before! Argh! But feeling ok - if exhausted. Had a bit of a wobble last night. I hate how I can go from feeling absolutely fine one minute, devastated and sobbing the next, with the slightest trigger.

The sun is shining here too, can't help but feel cheered up by it

Hope the decorating is going ok - so is it blue or pink? (Not that I'm gender stereotyping, just nosey )

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 26/02/2007 12:08

God - there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture No wonder you are feeling all over the place. My extremely un-helpful advice would be exercise, booze or sex to tire you out so you can sleep tonight! Or all of the above

The room is going to be a very very pale shade of pink. It's called Blossom White to be exact. So really hoping they didnt screw up on the scan otherwise we will be frantically adding blue motifs to the pink if Matilda comes out a Matilda with extra bits . Plus she's getting Indigo Girl and Sarah Mclachan sung to her most nights and DH is reading her Anne of Green Gables so if she is a he then the little bugger will at least be a well rounded individual

I've just read back and seen that you have made an app for this Thursday. That is great!!

Monkeytrousers · 26/02/2007 12:19

I was depressed for years, since childhood and turned my life around in three years with the help of SSRI anti-depressants. You need a diagnosis though, as it sounds like you might have bi-polar tendencies and these cajn be managed with different drugs.

Well donw for having the strength to face this though; and good luck.

Original poster
Illyria · 26/02/2007 13:24

Thank you Monkeytrousers,so there is hope for me . I appreciate how everyone has shared their own experiences so openly with me, it's made this all so much easier.

Don't want to worry you Cinnamontam, but sonographer told me by ds2 was going to be a girl! It's probably just the rugby result keeping me up all night! Great Irish game though (MIL is Irish so am allowed to support them too). I will try your advice, and hold you responsible for any/all of the consequences!

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 26/02/2007 22:51

Odd this evening - again. Why am I ok in the morning and then weird in the evening? Does anybody else get this pattern?

Ah well, off to bed to stare at the ceiling for a while.

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 27/02/2007 00:00

Cos you are tired in the evening. If you have a cold it affects you more in the evening when your energy is running out. That's all it is. Everything is worse at night becasue of this

swoosh · 27/02/2007 00:26

Hope you get some sleep tonight. Don't be too hard on yourself.

mummylin2495 · 27/02/2007 13:40

are you ok today ?

cinnamontam · 27/02/2007 15:47

Hey lovely - how you doing today?

Rhian101 · 27/02/2007 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rhian101 · 27/02/2007 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Illyria · 27/02/2007 16:07

Am low and tired and a ponker today. Sure you're all sick of me whinging by now

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 27/02/2007 17:19

Hell no! We are way tougher than that
Bring it on...ponker?

swoosh · 27/02/2007 18:37

How are you? I always find it good to vent on here - writing seems to help me get my thoughts out. I have so many of them and I find it very hard to verbalise - writing helps me see what I am thinking. That probably makes no sense but what I am trying to say is that if you feel like writing stuff down on here, please do. You may find it makes you feel a little better and is likely to help others too - please don't think of it as whinging. If we weren't interested in you, we wouldn't respond.

If it helps you, I have been self harming recently and am furious with myself for doing it again...

We're here if you need us

x

Original poster
Illyria · 27/02/2007 19:40

Thanks guys, am definitely a ponker

Swoosh, so you know what I mean. It's ridiculous, you can't imagine yourself doing it before or after, but during it's the only option. I hate myself for doing it again. DH was so angry, I had promised him I never would again.

Cinnamontam, how's the decorating going? How's the bump? How's the real world outside this cloud I'm sitting in?

OP posts:
swoosh · 28/02/2007 00:29

I know exactly how you feel, Illyria. When I am 'ok', I can't believe that I do it to myself. I can't understand how/ why anyone would do that. I mean, what possesses someone to deliberately injure themselves?

Then I find myself doing it and I am so angry for not having enough will power to stop. The rational part of me knows I don't want to do it, but I continue anyway, knowing full well it'll hurt for days/ weeks afterwards and that I'll regret it.

ANd then of course, I do regret it. ANd, if people can see what I've done, I have to lie about what happened and I feel guilty for that too.

It's horrible!

So, you definitely have my sympathy.

I guess we must both be ponkers

Original poster
Illyria · 28/02/2007 09:20

Hi Swoosh. How are you doing? Has going to the doctors really helped you? We are definitely ponkers I think it certainly needs a new word to describe us.

The thing is I don't feel mentally ill insofar as I do have self control and anyone who met me wouldn't notice the difference (unless I'm very up and then I sometimes do things that normally I wouldn't). So much effort goes into maintaining the facade, it's exhausting. This week, I have not pretended at all (except maybe on the school run I've talked to you guys, I've spoken to family and my husband, even a doctor, and it just feels like I don't have to hide anymore.

I worry that people think it's odd that I can joke and laugh while feeling like this - and when I'm up I do that more than the 'normal' me would. It's hard to tell someone you're depressed when you can't stop laughing Thanks for not judging me, and listening to my rants.

Oh, and I got a good night's sleep last night (hurray!) only woke up twice. I feel so much more alive today.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 28/02/2007 09:24

glad to hear it,im sure things will only get better for you.

cinnamontam · 28/02/2007 10:55

for sleep

My DH suffers from depression and he is just down all the time unless I run around like a loon and force a smile or laugh from him. That is how it affects him. For you it's the wild swings from very up to very down that you have to contend with which in a weird way is normal for what you are struggling with - if that makes sense

What time is your app tomorrow and how is the note going?

cinnamontam · 28/02/2007 10:56

Swoosh - thinking of you too

BandofMothers · 28/02/2007 11:00

Glad you're going to docs, with a note. Am lurking every now and again to see how you're doing.
Good Luck

DimpledThighs · 28/02/2007 11:01

best wishes for today.