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Original poster

I'm already lying to my doctor...

277 replies

Illyria · 22/02/2007 17:46

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 13:54

It's starting again. That weird rush of excitement. It starts in my chest, feels like I want to burst. Is there anyone to talk to? Oh God, now I'm crying. Just want it to stop.

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 23/02/2007 15:26

Sorry, been away. Are you ok?

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 15:27

I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 15:28

Don't be sorry. You're allowed to be away

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 23/02/2007 15:37

Suppose that was a wierd thing to say.
Even I can't sit on mn all day!!
Sometimes I write things that I would say in rl .
But it doesn't sound the same and just seems strange.

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 15:39

I know what you mean. I'm actually feeling a lot better than a couple of hours ago. Just seem to need constant reassurance when I get like that - is very daft and needy (which, I quickly add, is not me at all). Oh dear oh dear.

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 16:07

Hey there - just got out of boring work meeting. Blahde blah blah

What you got planned for the weekend?

mummylin2495 · 23/02/2007 16:26

am just gonna email you again

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 16:36

Nothing planned, but am determined to enjoy myself! Was thinking of going to Wales to see family but I'm not sure I can cope with it.

Spoke to my mother earlier, got the courage up to tell her I was worried I was bipolar and acting odd, she said (in a 'people tell her stuff like this every day') "Oh, that's the most common sort isn't it". I tried to explain that whether or not it was common wasn't really the point. I just take everything so personally at the moment.

Bring me to your boring meetings, reckon I could liven them up at the moment

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 16:43

Hey - I can just see your Mum saying that. I tend to react like that when I hear something I wasn't expecting to hear or when I'm really shocked. I had a mate tell me she had a heroin addiction and my response was 'Oh right...yeah, I've known a few people struggle with that(bullshit bullshit bullshit).'

Maybe your Mum was trying to play it cool, not wanting to overeact in any way?? Rather than belittling what you were telling her maybe she was buying herself some time to think it through?

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 16:45

I'm sure you're right, that's what I thought too. I know I'm being unreasonably oversensitive, it's not like she turned round and said, "You are CRAZY, can't be doing with that!".

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:13

Hey - don't be so hard on yourself. You are fucking amazing to be managing as you are. Your coping mechanisms are really good which is in itself a good thing and a bad thing

Can you seriously think of yourself as a failure knowing what you are struggling with and yet coping like you have been?

Your strength to keep going is all you! That's something to be very proud of

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 17:18

Thanks Cinnamontab. And thanks for putting my mother in perspective. Am just a big bag of irate sensitivities with a big side order of flippant remarks. Feel like Glory in Buffy (don't know if you watched that) - like my heads crazy and then it's normal again (not that I suck out people's minds to fix me )

OP posts:
Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 17:19

Although...

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:22

Are you serious??? I have the complete DVD box sets of every episode of Buffy. I miss it so much

Suck away on the brains my dear - I shall pass your a straw

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 17:25

I knew there was a reason I liked you! Me too. Thanks for the straw but it's not quite long enough.
Missing Buffy makes me sad
Ah well.

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:32

Ok - who was your fave? Angel, Riley or Spike?

cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:33

Not that our friendship is riding on your answer

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 17:34

Loathed Riley - what a dick.
Liked Angel in series 2 when he was evil.
So, so, so in love with Spike and always will be!
You?

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:37

Oh my God!!

I watched it in Australia so going on the time zone it would have viewed in Oz before UK which means I would have seen him first so hands off wench

cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 17:38

I also have a secret crush on Evil Willow - remember that episode?

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 17:43

Look - I've got mental problems so keep your hands off!
You're not saying that you have a thing for my man?

I know what you mean about evil Willow - and I really want her jacket from those episodes.

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 18:09

Spike and me are like this....X

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 18:12

Thank you for a(n) (almost) normal conversation cinnamontab. I really needed that.

And just so we're clear, you may be his wife but I'm his hotstuff on the side.

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 18:13

Alrighty - I am leaving the salt mine for the schlepp home on the stinky tube. I'll be online over the weekend so definitely talk to you later xxxxx