I'm already lying to my doctor...

[Illyria]

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

its tomorrow !

Thank you everyone!

Haven't started my note yet. Not sure what to say in it.

"By the way doc, when I said I was nuts last week I actually meant I am a total loon!"

You sound lovely Cinnamontam! I need my own personal jester for the down bits, and a Gordon Brown for the up bits! That'd level me out I always think it must be so hard for the person who has to live with the sufferer. It has such a huge affect on anyone that close.

So, advice on what to write to a doctor? Bearing in mind that this might end up in my notes

Oh I'm fab

My DH actually is very long suffering as I think I may be a wee bit bossy at times.

Me - big loud family where everyone talks about everything

Him - small, quiet family who respect everyones space and thoughts

Combination - interesting to say the least!

I'd copy this thread and give that to him
Seriously, you have written some extremely candid, clear posts on how you are feeling and how you have felt and coped in the past. Do a bit of a copy and paste as a starter. You may not need to add too much more than that

Is it awful to admit that I'm not sure I can be that honest with him? Bare bones and all. I am so rubbish at asking for help. I hate being vulnerable, I hate showing any weakness! I'm sure if you asked 99% of people I know they'd never for a second think there was ever anything wrong.

I know it's being "strong" that has gotten me into all of this, I should've asked for help years (and years and years) ago.

... I'm going to have to be honest with him aren't I? Bugger.

Are you sure? Is there no other way? Couldn't I just say, "I have a friend..."? Surely that's be fine...

Honesty - yes

I reckon I'll let you say 'a friend' as long as it's accompanied by a big fat wink and use your fingers to show italics

Then you can say anything

That might be the way to go then. Or perhaps I could just keep referring to myself in the third person, "Illyria sometimes gets sad..."

As you might be able to tell from this thread I tend to use humour to alleviate tension (or at least I think it's funny) - it's not really appropriate at the GPs though is it?

I'm fine with yes or no questions but when he asks me to elaborate I just want to say, "Oh no, I'm absolutely fine, don't know what I was thinking, I'll be off then..."

Now I am just whining!

Hello -I am doing pretty well today, thanks. I have no idea why, but I am so glad. It has been months since I felt like this and I am beginning to remember why life is worth living.

On my good days, I don't feel mentally ill either. Even on my bad days, I don't - I just feel completely worthless. No-one in RL knows about this and I think they would be completely shocked to know that in recent months I have been very depressed, suicidal and that the injuries they have seen are not a result of bizarre accidents, but something I have done to myself. It is often commented that I am a very 'together' person . That's the thing with us ponkers - we don't 'look', 'behave' or 'feel' different to anyone else, when we're in public. But it is completely exhausting, isn't it?

It was a huge relief for me to spill the beans to my dr, counsellor and on here - I haven't told anyone else, but I felt the load lighten immediately. I wouldn't worry about people thinking it's odd that you can joke yet feel the way you do - if they think it's odd it's because they're lucky enough not to have been through this and they should thank their lucky stars!

Going to the Dr really helped me - I now have a fantastic counsellor & good ADs. I'm still self harming, but I don't feel so bad about it - I know I won't do it forever, I just need help to find other ways to cope. As for your doctor... you know you must be honest? You need to ask for help - it's not a weakness, you know that really, don't you? If it helps, when I went to see mine, I was shaking. I sat there, welled up and said "I might cry... I'm just so sad" It felt a bit pathetic but it led to questions from Dr that I could give answers too (how long have you felt like this? Has something happened to cause this? Are you eating properly? Sleeping? have you ever hurt yourself, do you think you might? etc)

Please be honest tomorrow and let us know how it goes. You could even print this thread off, or type a list to give to your gp of how you feel/ what you do to yourself if it would be easier then actually saying it.

Well, I have rambled on for far too long - just wanted to give you a bit of moral support... take care. x

And Cinnamontam, I have no idea how you cope with your DH. You are obviously a wonderful person. There is no way I could live with someone like me!!!

Your honesty is brilliant Swoosh. You've said it all really.

So many times this week I've thought, "I'll be ok, going to the GP is too much, I'll cancel, I'll be fine". And everytime I think that, someone has reminded me why I'm going - FOR HELP! Not to have them judge me or hurt me, but for them to HELP me. And I know it's not an instant fix, and I know there's a long road ahead, but I also know that there's hope now... that's what you've all given me, hope.

Is that too cheesy? It's how I feel, so I don't care! So there!

Not cheesy at all!

MAKE SURE YOU GO!

And report back here so we can check up on you!

illyria can you check mail important.

Sitting here feeling all teary. You are AMAZING women

Swoosh - I just think you are incredible. DH and I are trying to work out how to deal with his depression becuase honestly i deal with it badly. I just want him to buck up, be active about looking for ways to deal with it - I'm a real fixer. So I get quite cold and practical about it whereas all he wants is warmth and nurturing. I think the way i see it is if I give him that then he will just wallow in it and we have to be doing something about it...fixing it...making it go away!!! Or if I have the energy and patience I play the fool and try to jolly him out of it. None of those address why he is depressed so we went to 1 counselling session together and I think we just need to keep going.

Illyria - you are very funny This is my favourite thread with you guys...is that weird

You are definitely weird! Think you'll have to join our 'Ponker' gang

There is no right or wrong thing to do with a depressed person: My DH starts by pandering to whatever I want (which does give me a licence to wallow) and then when that doesn't work he gets really frustrated and annoyed at the fact that I won't pull myself out of it - but he doesn't try to fix it, he just wants to minimise the symptoms without dealing with the cause IYSWIM. I think the middle ground between fixer and supporter is the best way but at the end of the day it is down to the ill person to sort it out. And we all know how fun it is to motivate a depressed person Nightmare!

Don't get weepy, you'll set us all off - and no one knows where that could lead.

Todays the big day. Started very badly. Got some bad news. But am holding it together, and although my fingers are ever poised over the "Cancel Appointment" button, I am resisting the urge. Still have no idea what to say. Think I'll just babble - pplay to my strengths.

Take care pregnant lady! x

How are you doing Swoosh?

sorry it started badly. What time is your app? I'll be sending all the right sort of vibes and thoughts your way.

And hello - I am definitely an original member of the 'Ponkers'

Founding member, cinnamontam, you're a founding member

Appointment is at 4.30. Oh Gods, when did it become afternoon? Oh no! Am doing deep breathing and calming stuff. Am very, very daft, and if I had to listen to all of this I'd have shouted, "Oh for God's sake woman, it's just an apt with your GP, pull yourself together!" by now

Have made an executive decision to do sod all today. Maybe I'll go and watch Spike for a bit, that should take my mind off things (Have decided I grin too much )

Phew! Thought I'd been ejected from the Ponkers. That is a relief.

Now - best Spike episode?? I do love that episode where he finds out Buffy was in Heaven. Or the nice dirty sex scene between them in her crib. Or the one where he realises he likes her - I think he's outside her house under the tree...

Damn - all my DVD box sets (except for the last season) are in storage in Melbourne. I was planning to start from season 1 after Bean was born to keep me company through the long nights of breastfeeding

Sorry - his crib!

This is going to be way too much information but I have to tell you

DH would never allow any funky bedroom action after Buffy. He'd accuse me of getting all revved up after seeing Spike

He 'may' have had a point

All of the above!

Although I have to admit that in "Once More With Feeling" when he's singing to Buffy and he goes to the door, turns back to her and goes "mm-mmm-mmmmm", always makes me weak at the knees. Could watch that on a loop all day. I love when they knock down that place with their bonking. But when they wake up and they're under a rug that really bothers me. I don't know why!

Must add that I HATE Buffy as a character, love everyone else though. Best Spike moments are definitely when he has to be 'good' and doesn't want to be. Oh and that scene when he can't bite Willow and she keeps asking, "Is it me?" so funny.

I bought the Angel boxset to get me through the last few weeks before ds2 was born. Don't know if you watch that or not.

i just love that you love Spike 'almost' as much as me. i just never got into Angel in the same way. And Buffy annoyed the crap out of me too.

I only got into it when a friend lent me all of them. You definitely need to watch them all to make sense of it. But it's worth it just cos Spike is resurrected for the final series. Also in the final series Angel gets turned into a muppet, which is very funny, especially when he does his vampire face and fights Spike because Spike says, "You're a bloody puppet! You're a wee little puppet man!". See there's a whole section (had a freudian slip there and typed sextion first) of Spike's life you know nothing about! And you profess to love him?! HA!

I needed this conversation. Have permanent butterflies now, distraction's very welcome!

Hello fellow ponkers!

I've never seen Buffy so can't join in - I just wanted to come and check on you - I'll pop back for an update on the dr, Illyria, ok?

If it makes you feel any better (which I doubt) I felt a huge sense of relief when I told my dr about what was going on. I had a great two weeks after that too... you will feel better, honest!

Thanks Swoosh. Shame on you for not watching Buffy! What kind of Ponker are you?! [Grin]

I am sort of terrified and sort of looking forward to it.

How are you doing Swoosh? And who do you fancy?

Hey, I'm having a good few days - haven't done anything to myself since Sunday (I know its only 4 days but I'm very proud - it's been a rough few weeks so this feels like major progress!)

I have to go out for a bit now but I'll check back later. Please keep us posted. Will be thinking of you.

Not sure who I fancy! Will have a think about it. Gone are the days when it was Gary Barlow and George Clooney

Gary Barlow, oh the shame! Glad you're having a good few days. Long may it last!

Oh God, an hour and a half to go. Can I really do this? Could I not tell him and then erase his memory or something, I hate the idea of a 'stranger' knowing this about me when some of my closest friends don't!