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Original poster

I'm already lying to my doctor...

277 replies

Illyria · 22/02/2007 17:46

Tried under "is this normal" but only one person replied, so I'll try again. With a lot more detail. (Sorry long)

Have been a depressive for 15 years. Self-harmer with suicidal thoughts (never tried it though). I spend at least 3 months of every year very, very down. This is sometimes followed by a period of euphoria, where I'm very happy, full of energy and ignore any problems easily.
This week I went to the doctor for the first time. I hate seeking help but have been down for about a year and a half now and it's too much.
3 years ago I got so down that I started seeing things that weren't there. I knew they were hallucinations so reassured myself that I couldn't be that nuts. Then when I finally felt better I got so up that I left my husband - wasn't in love anymore, but to be honest, don't think I was really feeling anything but the 'happy'. 6 months later I levelled out, realised I did love him and managed to repair our marriage (after a hell of a lot of work).
So now I've finally got up the courage to go to a doctor and I've already lied. Said I don't self harm, and generally put it out that I'm not as bad as I am.
Since I went to the doctor - not on ADs yet - I fell oddly 'up'. Keep getting moments of manic happy excitedness followed by more lack of energy and tears. This is how it started last time. I'm not crazy, but sometimes I really feel like a mentalist.
My husband's completely fed up and terrified I'll leave him again - he's shut off completely now. To make things worse we've just moved to a new area where I don't know anyone, I never go out. I feel like my head is going to explode. It's gotten to the point where I really am welcoming the mania. Bugger.
That's it really, just absolutely needed to tell someone everything - even if it is a bloody computer

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 18:13

Damn your black heart...why didn't i think to say that. I want to be his fluff on the side

Original poster
Illyria · 23/02/2007 18:13

Thanks mate x

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 23/02/2007 18:14

it's been fun and you got me through the boring afternoon - talk soon

cinnamontam · 24/02/2007 09:27

Good morning - hope you slept well

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 16:31

Thanks cinnamontam - funnily enough I think I got the best night's sleep in ages, and now there's rugby too! How's it going?

OP posts:
cinnamontam · 24/02/2007 16:48

Yay for the good sleep. My rugby team (Western Force from Perth, Australia) lost this morning so that was quite shit.

Just watching Italy thump Scotland in between stripping wallpaper off the little room that will be Bean's room.

Very blah grey day here (in London). Where in Wales were you thinking of going? I have a mate who lives in Pembrokeshire right on the coast and we love going to visit her. It's so beautiful

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 17:02

Pembrokeshire is lovely. My family are in mid-Wales. So am dreading watching France thump us later on . Great first 7 minutes to the Italy-Scotland game, poor Scotland .

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 17:07

hello how are you today ,i sent you email bout ten mins ago ! it was to see how you were feeling

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 17:09

I got it and replied, Mummylin. Thank you so much for going to all that trouble. You're lovely.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 17:14

you certainly are not alone now !! i am so glad you had a good night,maybe it is relief now you are able to get your fears out in the open.

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 17:16

Definitely. And to have support instead of rejection is more than I hoped. Am a dafty.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 17:20

there are so many people now who have some kind of mental health problem ,it is a terrible thing for those involved,For people who have never had anything like this either themselves or in the family ,they find it hard to comprehend.My sis said about feeling alone she thought she would be shunned ,not so!i told her what i had saidto you and she said glad i didnt just say the good things

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 17:24

You're right, honesty is what is needed. The funny thing is that all the fears of what would happen that have been holding me back from trying to get help have been quashed. They seem daft now. Thanks to everyone on here, you've really made a difference.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 17:27

i am so glad we can help.i will email you now and then but if you dont feel like replying dont worry.are you gonna make appt on Monday ? would your dh go with you do you think. i will go with you in spirit if not in body

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 18:38

Thanks Mummylin. Have an apt for Thursday, I'm going to write it all down, DH is coming with me, am going to warn GP to lock his door so I can't run away.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 19:40

ha ha thats a good idea.be brave.even if you are feeling quite well that day do tell doc all.i do have some papers somewhere that my sis gave a copy to each member of the family ,it as to try and help us all understand.as far as i know im the only one that read it but if i find it and you want it i can copy and email to you,may take couple of days to find though !!!!

Original poster
Illyria · 24/02/2007 19:43

That would be fantastic - but don't worry if you can't find it. Thanks

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 24/02/2007 20:52

cant find it but have emailed my sis to send me a copy if she still has it.typical isnt it when you want something you cant find it !

swoosh · 25/02/2007 02:26

Hi

Have only just seen this, but I wanted to add my support. I have similar but perhaps less extreme feelings and a different diagnosis - I have the very very lows (and am frequently suicidal) without the highs, although when I am 'ok', I can just pretend that the lows aren't there and breeze through any difficulties until I end up feeling awful again.

It is exhausting, isn't it? I'm glad you have a DH who can support you. Please don't worry about them locking you up - I have been asked countless times if I want or need to be in hospital for my own safety but even when I have been seriously suicidal (with a plan and pills etc) I haven't had my DC taken away. I have been lucky enough to receieve some good support. I hope you get that too.

I just wanted to let you know I had read this and am thinking of you.

swoosh · 25/02/2007 02:30

Wanted to add that, despite desperately wanting to pretend that I'm ok, I plucked up the courage to tell the doctor/ counsellor about the suicidal thoughts and self harming and he didn't bat an eyelid. He was concerned for my safety but was very calm about it and helped me form a plan to help myself in desperate situations.

If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to CAT me. I know how alone one can feel when going through this.

Take care of yourself

Original poster
Illyria · 25/02/2007 10:31

Thank you Swoosh, that's really helpful. The more I hear the more glad I am that I reached out on here. I have been so needlessly worried how my life could be changed, without realising that my life needs to change.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 25/02/2007 11:14

good morning illyria ,hope you had another good nights sleep last night.My mind is buzzing because my DH will be 50 next weekend and we are having a party at home.i have a long need to do list before then but will be fun.take care,enjoy today.

Original poster
Illyria · 25/02/2007 11:26

Good Morning Mummylin. Terrible night's sleep, but am ok this morning.

Make sure you spare some time from organising to enjoy yourself!

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 25/02/2007 11:31

sorry to hear that but maybe tonight will be better.oh it will all be fine,once the party starts i can relax and enjoy its just all the preparation leading up to it. try and get a bit of time to yourself today for a break,even if its only half an hour.its only a few days till you see doc and get real help but till then i will be here.

Original poster
Illyria · 25/02/2007 11:43

Thanks (I know I keep saying that), the last two days I've felt so much more 'grounded'. I know it may not last, but it's such a relief. And I'm afraid to say that's pretty much all down to everyone who replied to me. And they say don't talk to strangers...

OP posts: