I'm an attention whore

[ChanseysEgg]

I'm sure an attention whore. Have been all my life.

I need daily validation from a significant other that I'm worth a place on this planet. Validation in the form of hugs, kisses, I love yous, time.

I get jealous if someone or something takes my lovers attention away from me, even just for a day (a work commitment may be for a week or so).

I feel like a needy dog, humping his leg for attention. Waiting at the door for his return.

I take the slightest poor joke or mention of an ex, as a rejection.

I'm 34 and sick to death of being so needy. But don't know how to rectify this.

Being single feels equal to not existing.

I know this is unhealthy and springs from childhood neglect. But I cannot seem to overcome being an attention whore. I must be hell on earth to be in a relationship with.

I am a mother of two young children. I need to mature - and fast. But how?

To be frank you sound like bloody hard work. But there are people in your life who think you are worth the effort, value your abilities and who see loveable things about you. If they can find good qualities in you and get past your self negativity to see the positive things you have going for you then you owe it to yourself and to them to stop this downward spiral of negativity about yourself.

I can't stand this kind of reasoning. She doesn't 'sound like hard work' and she doesn't owe anyone anything. The way you say this makes it sound like you think she's not worthy of love and should be grateful that people are nice enough to give it to her anyway, that she owes them everything because they're giving her something she doesn't deserve.

The worst thing a person in OP's situation can hear from people is this kind of thing. That and being told she has to love herself before she can have a relationship etc. She's insecure and she's going through a hard time. Society tells us it's wrong to want attention but it's actually human nature. We give the people we care about attention and we expect it from them, and that's OK. Unfortunately when someone has anxiety and insecurity issues, those people need the attention more and yet those are the people who are denied it and accused of seeking it. So people actually withdraw attention from the people who need it the most as some kind of "I'm not giving you attention because you obviously want it" power show. But those same people would never withdraw their attention from others in their lives -- only from those who say they need it. E.g. If a person sees a friend is struggling, they may tell that friend they have to fix it themselves and withdraw all their support, but will give the same amount of attention their friend wanted to their other friends without giving it a second thought because those friends haven't drawn attention to their need.

I'm finding it hard to put into words what I mean so I hope this makes sense. I just mean there a tendency in society to push away people who are struggling and deny them sippprt that we'd give automatically to a person who wasn't struggling and that's not OK.

Also telling her to stop looking for others to help her isn't helpful. Yes maybe she needs to help herself, but not without support from other people. I've had anxiety issues and low self esteem issues before and felt a lot like the OP. I had one friend who immediately withdrew support and said that they weren't here to fix me and that if I wanted friendship I needed to work out my own problems first. Same friend talked at length about how lucky she was that she had a great friend to support her through her divorce, she couldn't have done it alone etc. so OK for her to want and need suppprt, but not OK for me to want it.

The message is just "you're not worthy of love and support until you're the kind of person I believe is worthy of it".

You're right - you are attention seeking and you don't engage with posters who are trying to help you - you come across as very petulant and angry. I don't know if you design your posts to be melodramatic on purpose or if you are too upset to know quite what you're doing.

Without wishing to be unkind because we can all be immature, it reminds me of talking to a teenager who is channelling their 'inner toddler' and feels extremely manipulative. If you direct that anger at other adults who haven't done anything to deserve it, you will push people away.

If you're looking for people who will stay with you while you treat them poorly, in the way that parents have to, you will probably be lonely and damaging to others. The sad truth is we don't get a second chance to be a child and looking for that will only lead to a second rejection - and even more anger. It is also very difficult to grown-up children to forgive.

If you're extremely intelligent, it's surprising that you don't have the skills to analyse what you're doing. I think perhaps you do know what you're doing but you're letting yourself behave as badly as you like because it's only strangers on the internet. Can you see the irony of starting a thread to talk about your attention seeking problem with the title you did? I think it would be helpful if you widened your perspective a bit to include yourself as an adult, rather than focusing on how your parents have hurt you. The choices you're making today are your own.

What's the mumsnet wise words? Something like don't give more of yourself than you're emotionally able (or something?)

Honestly OP, I think you genuinely need to find somewhere more appropriate than AIBU - perhaps Relationships? This is the third thread of yours I've read and I feel you're not getting the answers you feel are appropriate and you appear (to me) to be more distressed each time.

I really hope you find the help you want.

Hi ChanseysEgg,
We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. When we read posts like yours we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from them but as other posters have suggested, it's really a good idea to seek RL help as well.

We also like to remind everyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We hope things seem a lot brighter for you soon. We've moved your thread across to Mental Health as we think that's the best place for you to find support.

Excellent post iamnotacat

Chandra. Are you just after a fight?

You say you have a problem. People agree and suggest things. That's how this works. If you didn't have a problem you would not have posted. Carry on, as you are, nothing will change.

No one can make you (or any of us) happy. Happy is something you are, not something others give you.

IAmNotACat

I agree with the majority of what you have said in your post, however, I don't agree with the part about others advising OP to love herself first. Yes, OP craves attention, but what kind of attention is she going receive whilst feeling the way she does? I just feel the wrong kind of attention will be given to her. Emotionally, OP is very vulnerable. Certain men target vulnerable woman.

Yes, it's human nature to crave attention. Not all attention is good attention. The cycle will continue indefinitely, unless OP is able to access the right support system. Which is in itself a mammoth task when you feel like shite personified.

By entering/seeking any relationship will only add to OP's cycle of dispair. I'm in no way shape or form saying OP has to permanently move to SINGLEVILLE? I'm merely suggesting OP takes a step back.

Access the correct kind of therapy is key here.

Sorry, posted before I'd finished :(

IAmNotACat

OP needs a friend, who doesn't ask anything in return. Who's just there to support her. I'm sorry, your friend pulled away when you needed her the most. I guess she'd be last on your list if you ever required support again. You find exactly who your true friends are in real times of need.

Exactly what Humphrey said!