I'm an attention whore

[ChanseysEgg]

I'm sure an attention whore. Have been all my life.

I need daily validation from a significant other that I'm worth a place on this planet. Validation in the form of hugs, kisses, I love yous, time.

I get jealous if someone or something takes my lovers attention away from me, even just for a day (a work commitment may be for a week or so).

I feel like a needy dog, humping his leg for attention. Waiting at the door for his return.

I take the slightest poor joke or mention of an ex, as a rejection.

I'm 34 and sick to death of being so needy. But don't know how to rectify this.

Being single feels equal to not existing.

I know this is unhealthy and springs from childhood neglect. But I cannot seem to overcome being an attention whore. I must be hell on earth to be in a relationship with.

I am a mother of two young children. I need to mature - and fast. But how?

What counselling have you had, and how did it go?

CBT and regular counselling. No one could help. I've probably got borderline personality disorder and am uncurable.

I am an absolute waste of space and no one will make make better.

Did I read that right that you only have your children one day a week?

If so that must be heartbreaking. How did that situation come about?

Wanting hugs and kisses from a partner everyday isn't unusual in my opinion.

What if he's unavailable every day?

You need to be your own knight.

Really.

It's very difficult to form healthy attachments to other people if you are doing it from need rather than choice.

Concentrate on developing your own self rather than measuring yourself by other people's opinions of you

Prozac can take a little while to kick in. Hang in there. You sound like you're in a bad place emotionally right now, but it will get better.

Keep talking to your friend and your mum. You're not a burden.

Yes you are an 'attention whore'. You're not the first, you won't be the last. If you actually wanted to deal with that you'd lower your hackles and listen. If you just want 'there there dear, you're not what you say you are' then enjoy that too. You can pick and choose from responses on a forum. It's not going to change anything, though.

Try seeing your own kids more than once a week. I'm sure they can fill the attention gap.

Did I read that right that you only have your children one day a week? If so that must be heartbreaking. How did that situation come about?

To be fair, lots of fathers only get one day per week. Nobody bats an eyelid. It's just that the gender roles are reversed in this situation.

OohMavis I've been on it for ages

Apologies for the hostility in my last post. I was projecting a little.

Try seeing your own kids more than once a week. I'm sure they can fill the attention gap.

I'm a shit mother though. I'm poor and can't afford to take them places. I'm also boring. They are better off with their dad; that's why I gave him custody.

I've probably got borderline personality disorder and am uncurable

That's actually what I thought when I read your OP, although I didn't want to suggest it because I am not a MH professional. But if you have considered it yourself, I think you should go back to your GP and get a referral for counselling with someone who specialises in personality disorders. You can definitely learn to manage it, even if it will always be there.

What if he's unavailable every day?

Quite frankly it's tough. But if my dh can't see me, if I am away, he will call me. To me that's the same sentiment. Showing he cares.

I still want to hug him. But sometimes it's not possible. Wanting hugs and kisses everyday off your partner is normal. Being distraught that yiu can't see him and get one, isn't.

I am an absolute waste of space and no one will make make better

Noone can make it any better, other than you.
You have that power, and only you.

BPD is what it is, but you can learn to live constructively with that.
Taking responsibility for you own self is a start.

Well - we're all wastes of space if you think about it one way. All of humanity is largely pointless in the grand scheme of things.

But if you think in another (that the point of life is just "living") then no one is a waste of space at all. We all have an equal right to be here and take up space and to have needs.

And there's nothing wrong with having needs, you're normal there, especially with an abusive past. I too get hugs and kisses and repeated "I love yous" every day - dh and I both had abusive upbringings and are making up for lost time with affection. If one of us is away (rare) we text or call.

I do wonder if approaching it as a phobia could be helpful. There are tried and tested ways of tackling this with help.

I would say if you're feeling totally shit, a personal conversation with the Samaritans can sometimes help. Have you ever tried them? They're volunteers so variable but it's so much easier to get feel "listened to" than it sometimes is online.

Go back and talk to your GP too, tell them that Prozac isn't working - there are so, so many treatments out there. Although I agree that the root cause isn't necessarily chemical, and these might not be the absolute solution, there is growing proof that abused children have different physical builds and brain patterns. I'll try to dig out the article...

Other people aren't the problem here, OP - there's no substitute for the (admittedly hard) work involved in actively working to improve your self-esteem and your sense of your own identity as a worthwhile and self-sufficient thing. Only then will your relationships not be about you frantically seeking validation from the other person, and you'll be able to model good self-esteem and a balanced, adult way of relating to other people to your children.

A lot of us had crappy childhoods, but there comes a time when you need to take responsibility for who you are, aside from early formative experiences. My parents were well-meaning, but because they both grew up in neglectful, deeply impoverished situations, they had absolutely no idea how to parent their large family apart from putting a bare minimum of food on the table and a roof over our heads - the idea that children had emotional needs would have been seen as bizarre and 'all right for people who have time for that kind of thing'.

It left me as someone who, for a long time, sought attention but was deeply uncomfortable with it when I got it - but I'm in my 40s. The time when I could keep blaming my parents' for my adult personality is long gone, and I have a young child for whom I need to model stability, maturity and self-acceptance, as well as being available for his emotional and physical needs.

I get hugs, kisses and time from my partner every day and have done for the last 35 years

Are there not some days when he can't see you, is working away?

Of course but then I get some XOX on a text 😂

OP, I know we are not meant to drag up you old threads but I've read your other recent thread and it makes for depressing reading. I've no idea why you would want to be in a relationship with this guy.

I hope it doesn't sound too harsh but it seems like you are sabotaging yourself. You know the relationship is crap but you aren't doing anything about it other than complaining about it. You are 34, doing 'groundbreaking academic research and a job that requires 50 hour night shifts (doctor?) but are refusing to take any responsibility for your well being. You are not powerless in this situation. No ones saying it's easy but sometimes you just have to be realistic and sensible about things. The relationship doesn't work for you, there is no point analyzing the reasons why when you know what you have to do.

I didn't say be alone forever. But your current relationship isn't healthy and your issues are in turn impacting on your partner's time with his DC. I made some bad relationship choices following an abusive marriage and I ended up in a series of inappropriate situations whilst feeling desperate to be loved (my need for unconditional adoration came in part due to losing my Mum as a baby).

I ended up making the decision to be single and work on myself. I was alone for 4 years and whilst I am now very happy and settled with DP for several years and 2 DC later, I'm no longer dependent on a man's validation and know that I would be fine if I ended up on my own again.

fake I'm not getting into a gender debate. That's irrelevant and distracts from the OPs situation.

OP- what is your relationship like with your kids? I'm not trying to pry but it might also explain why you need validation from a partner to fill a gap in your life.

And also what Pacific said. You need to, when you feel able, to take time to do things for you.

I used to have awfully low self-esteem and it manifested itself in a similar way to you. I was unbearably clingy and I totally measured my worth as an individual by how much attention my ex was giving me. It didn't help that he liked it that way.

My confidence shot through the roof when I gave that relationship up and started doing things for myself. You need to learn to love yourself before you give any of yourself away emotionally.

thisisafakename Been through a psychiatrist. Got a CPN. No one gives SHIT,

You really are not a waste of space your not you are self harming with food and alcohol you feel lonely and are sad this doesn't make you a waste of space, talking therapy isnt for everybody did you get anything from your councilling ?

And there's nothing wrong with having needs, you're normal there, especially with an abusive past. I too get hugs and kisses and repeated "I love yous" every day - dh and I both had abusive upbringings and are making up for lost time with affection. If one of us is away (rare) we text or call.

So I need someone else with an abusive past?

It reads like you are having a tough day can you conact your CPN today or tomorrow

Nope. Just saying you're not weird for wanting stuff, especially given your childhood.

klassykringle I've actually got a GP appointment on Wednesday.