I'm an attention whore

[ChanseysEgg]

I'm sure an attention whore. Have been all my life.

I need daily validation from a significant other that I'm worth a place on this planet. Validation in the form of hugs, kisses, I love yous, time.

I get jealous if someone or something takes my lovers attention away from me, even just for a day (a work commitment may be for a week or so).

I feel like a needy dog, humping his leg for attention. Waiting at the door for his return.

I take the slightest poor joke or mention of an ex, as a rejection.

I'm 34 and sick to death of being so needy. But don't know how to rectify this.

Being single feels equal to not existing.

I know this is unhealthy and springs from childhood neglect. But I cannot seem to overcome being an attention whore. I must be hell on earth to be in a relationship with.

I am a mother of two young children. I need to mature - and fast. But how?

Sorry I hadn't read through the last page when I posted that, I can see you're on the waiting list. But do also google TCs, this could be a positive avenue as well.

Your mother must have been in a very dark place to do that however this does not mean she didn't love you

OP, I don't think cognitive therapy is going to cut it. You have issues arising from your childhood - talking therapy would be a better idea to work them out, in my view.

Nobody's saying that you should be alone or can't have a relationship. But it is true that in order to have a good relationship, you should be capable of being on your own. You need to work on yourself to gradually make it healthier and more enjoyable. You sound extremely insecure, which must be hell for you.

The only information you have given is that your dad had an affair and your mum attempted suicide.

Scooby, I would say those often lead to abandonment issues.

How are you doing with the addiction side of things?

yeah, no. borderline personality disorder is not an illness. the borderline referred to is one between neurosis and psychosis.

OP, I had a shitty childhood. alcoholic mother and stepdad, lots of sexual violence and mother tried to off herself.

I'm an alcoholic who destroyed my life almost beyond salvaging. the drink nearly killed me. I'm 2 and a half years sober - a 12 step program saved my life.

I was hospitalised for 5 weeks in 2012 after a complete breakdown. I haven't worked since. I have diagnoses of BPD with complex PTSD, suicidal depression and anxiety. I take antidepressants, antipsychotics and generally enough medication to stun a wildebeest.

I know how you feel; at least some of it.

I keep on trucking for my kid, who went to live with her dad when my drinking got really out of hand.

my DP loves me, looks after me and minimises stress in my life. I still find myself sobbing until my chest aches because I feel so utterly unlovable and damaged.

keep talking to your GP and your CPN. be well.

To be frank you sound like bloody hard work. But there are people in your life who think you are worth the effort, value your abilities and who see loveable things about you. If they can find good qualities in you and get past your self negativity to see the positive things you have going for you then you owe it to yourself and to them to stop this downward spiral of negativity about yourself.

Have a look around you, count your blessings, you have a career, you have a family, you have a roof over your head. Yes you are carrying resentments and bad feelings about your past, but those are in your past, you have a present and a future. it is up to you what you make of the rest of your life.

Ok, fair enuff, people cleverer than me cannot decide

The effects of personality disorders can certainly be treated, but personalities, whether disorders or not, are what they are IMO.

It's difficult to give advice on an anonymous forum but here goes my laywoman's opinion.

You seem to trapped in a negative cycle and are trying very hard to stay in that cycle. So when people come onto this thread to give you advice, you look for the flaws in your suggestions because while you may not be happy in your negative cycle it's all you know.
I hope you don't take this as being harsh. I don't know you and my interpretation is just based on your comments on this thread. I also think it's useful to know why we do what we do if we want to change our behaviour.
So what can you do, keep going to your GP but if all they do is give you Prozac, have you considered changing doctors? I know the health service, especially mental health provision in this country is terrible. And it can feel soul destroying if health professionals make you feel you are wasting there time. Standing up for yourself and asking for the treatment you need is incredibly difficult in this system.

Apart from medical treatment you need to learn to accept yourself, and then to live yourself. You are a person with needs and that's ok. We all have needs, we need to know we are loved. You need to hear it more often because you don't believe you are a loveable person.
This can be a lot to deal with for a partner. But the fact that you're partner deals with it, seems to suggest he wants to be with you. So you are a loveable person. Someone DOES love you.
There are some techniques you can use that help you make your peace with yourself. Some may have already been suggested to you. You could make a list of all the things you like about yourself, or things you do well. It's not boasting. Nobody will have to see the lists. It's a visual aid for you. Have a daily affirmation, a little mantra that starts your day (and that you can recite in your head if things become too much). Mine is: "I am Someone. I am me. I go out and do my best."
And here's the thing: do things for yourself because you want to do them. It maybe hard at first. You may have not done something for yourself in a long time. Maybe you could go for a walk (there is a lot of evidence that light exercise outdoors lifts our mood), read a book, have a relacing bath, go shopping, start a class in something, listen to music. Whatever it is, even if you have to try a few things out. Stick with it. Doing stuff for yourself will re-affirm your self-worth and help you be more comfortable in your own.

You cannot chose your parents, but you can chose other people in your life.

OP,

I feel exactly the same as you, I've recently split with my ex & don't know what to do with myself.

I'm not functioning anymore because I now don't have any attention at all anymore. I'm petrified of finding a guy with a child as I can't bear the thought of sharing him even though I'm expecting a child! It's messed up thinking I know but I can't change how I feel....I just want to be loved like I'm the only person in the world by another man.

I try and fill my time with other things to take my mind off it but I simply can't shake the feeling of wanting someone there to cuddle me, love me!

I know exactly how you are feeling

She doesn't sound like hard work at all viques, she sounds deeply troubled. What an horrible and uninformed post to assume that people can just "count their blessings" and snap out of MH issues

Chanseys, it's not that "some poor sod" owes you affection. It's that everyone wants to receive and give it - I haven't read your other threads but I assume your partner wants you to have affection and be loved. That's how all relationships work.

However, when someone's been as hurt as you are from being abandoned, they need extra help to receive affection and feel truly loved. I really, really believe there's hope for you, but I know the feelings of despair myself, especially on extra-bad days, which I suspect this is one for you.

You've also tried to make yourself feel "worthy" by pursuing a useful, intense career, and that's a bloody good achievement - but academia is also incredibly stressful and difficult. You must have a million pressures all the time. Have you ever thought about (or could you consider?) taking some time off to try and think things through and de-stress a bit? Might be impossible I appreciate:

Kate. Walk a mile in the ops shoes or spend one hour inside her head and you might just have an iota of empathy for the op.

Op. I have similar struggles.

Just keep on trucking. You're valuable. Your children most likely love you unconditionally.

Ironically, your mum may well be in a position to understand you most. How is that relationship?

Would family therapy be an option? Is that a thing in the UK? Ask your mum if she is willing to and has the money. Your kids can participate too.

OP it sounds like you are trying to cover a cavonious void with an Elastoplast?

You will have to start refilling the void from the bottom and slowly work your way back to the top.

The way you feel/view yourself now is what you will attract. There will be NO knight in shining armour. You'll get stuck with a twat-in-a-tin-suit! Which will just add to your inner turmoil.

Concentrate on YOU. When you are COMPLETE, then you will be ready to enter into a relationship as an EQUAL.

Flip this, would you want to be in a relationship with yourself right now?

Right now, you need to start rebuilding YOU.

There is great advice on this thread. Other folk can only point you in the right direction. Only you can pursue the options suggested.

Ask your GP about Neuro Linguistic Programming.

You are trying to provoke people into the response you want by continually posting;
'I feel like an abandoned child'
'No one can help me'
'I cant do it', and
'I'm not worth it.'

You can change your responses when you choose to actively engage in therapy.

OP, I know exactly what it is to want to be saved. I spent my late teens and early twenties throwing myself at anyone who showed me any attention, desperate for approval and validation, did everything from Church to drugs to casual sex.

There are no knights. Sorry. In the end, we save ourselves. To get to the point I am now (single, also doing academic research and writing my second book, missing my friends and family because I'm a two-year contract away from home but pretty much calm and sedate) I have been spent nights literally sobbing on the bathroom floor in despair.

As someone said upthread, cosmically speaking, we're all a waste of space. There is no 'point' or meaning to existence. We are all a product of a billion random chances that for no particular reason led to our existence, and one day very soon in the scale of things we'll be gone. The only thing that matters is what you do with the time you have right now, and you are the only person who decides that. Sorry.

Scooby, I would say those often lead to abandonment issues

Yes but neither mean she wasn't loved. It's the ops perception that, that is a reflection on her that is causing this.

However I suspected that if anyone assumed it was only that she would then say it was other things. So I was asking what else went on.

I would also imagine that as she says she is in a dark place herself and refuses to have her own kids more than once a week and calls herself useless that she could sympathise with her mother more.

Scooby. At no point has she said that she refuses to have her children!

Some of you have led very privileged lives.

You need some anti depressants. The waiting lists for therapy are huge and the small amount of counselling I had was useless as I was cynical and too introverted to convert the words I heard into scenarios I could visualise. Pills fixed me. Give it a try?

FWIW, being a good mother isn't about being able to spend money on them and take them places like you said up there. However, if you really are a bad mother then why would you take on two more kids?

If you see your dp's kids more than your own then that's fucked up and they WILL notice.

Boomer, she is taking Prozac.
And she has BPD.

Oh yes I did read that, sorry. What kind of AD is prozac? Isn't that a downer for anxiety? In any case I suppose BPD complicates things.

I'll stay off the fred now there's nothing I can contribute really and I'm getting irrationally upset on the kids' behalf.

I'm a qualified DBT skills coach, as well as someone who has borderline personality disorder. DBT can work wonders but it depends on what attitude you approach it with, generally there are two types of people, those who actively engage, do the leg work, practice the skills, and attend the therapy. These people are the ones who you will see giving good reviews. Then there are the people who sit back and wait to be fixed, who get angry and don't wish to engage. These people will find little to no positive effect from the therapy. I'm glad you're on a waiting list OP, but think very carefully before you attend therapy which attitude you will turn up with. Nobody is going to fix you, you will only get the tools to fix yourself, and it will be hard and ugly and some days will still be terribly hard but you will get there and it will get better, but only if you take responsibility for yourself and accept that nobody can do it for you.

Scooby. At no point has she said that she refuses to have her children!

Yes she does. She believes it's for their own good. Which could be what her mother felt too. Which is why I think she perhaps needs to look at things from her own mothers point of view.