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Original poster

want to die

171 replies

solow · 23/01/2007 19:21

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

OP posts:
InTheHouse · 01/02/2007 10:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

castlesintheair · 01/02/2007 13:43

That's brilliant solow, sound's like you are really getting on top of things. I had a terrible time after DD1 (as I said before) but one night when she was about 3 months old & I was feeding her yet again in the middle of the night and everyone else in the WHOLE WIDE world was undoubtedly fast asleep, I felt deliriously happy and so so lucky. That moment kept me going through all the months of gloom and I still think back on it now as a really special time. I am so glad you are able to start enjoying your DD. It really does help when they start to smile & gurgle with you.

clemsterdarcy · 02/02/2007 10:11

Morning SOLOW ... fantastic that you had such a good day.

Have faith -- such good days will soon outnumber the tough ones ...

AND you made it through another week ... DH on hand at weekend to share the load.

Why don't you treat yourself to a fancy scrapbook and plan all the cool things you are going to do with LO ... doll's tea party, teddy bear picnic, trip to the Tate etc ...

So many things to look forward to.

Words of Laurie Lee inspire me ...

"I want her to be free from fear to enquire and get answers, free to imagine and tell tall tales, free to be curious and to show enthusiasm, and free at times to invade my silences.

Having a child alters the rights of every man, I don't expect toi live as I did without her.

I am hers to be with and hope to be what she needs."

margo1974 · 03/02/2007 21:38

just checking in.. how is your weekend going?

margo1974 · 05/02/2007 19:03

bump

frumpygrumpy · 06/02/2007 10:15

Hi solow.......how's things? Tell the truth now and don't leave us hanging, we're hooked now

clemsterdarcy · 07/02/2007 10:24

Hey SOLOW

Hope all is well ... hope that you not posting is because you're feeling much better and enjoying time with LO.

If you're not posting 'cos you think you've 'used up' your empathy/sympathy quiotient tho ... just to say you haven't. We are here for you and nothing you have posted will be met with anything other than understanding and help / advice where we can.

Be nice to have our TATE outing ... but I totally gettit if making the trip at this point is a bit of a Herculean feat. Will wait to hers back from you ... if I don't, no worries ....!

Take it easy. One day at a time x

margo1974 · 07/02/2007 12:37

i second that

frumpygrumpy · 07/02/2007 20:20

Hi sweetheart, still here, still watching out x.

margo1974 · 09/02/2007 23:08

Still looking out for you...

Original poster
solow · 15/02/2007 19:23

Dear Clem Margot and Frumpy and everyone else who has kept watch on this thread,

Thanks so much for checking in on me and please accept my apologies for not posting for a while. I just wanted to let you know that things went quite pear shaped after my last post, I took LO for her first jabs which freaked me out (I know totally over sensitive!) then the crying (mine) and feelings of dread and panic became really uncontrolable which culminated in my HV organising a visit with the GP and subsequent councelling and proper dx of PND not extended baby blues.
It has been really up and down which is why I am sometimes scared to feel positive after a good day because I know the next one may be really awful all depending on sleep and how settled LO is - my moods and mental health seems totally linked to this I'm afraid -maybe this is normal??@^(. These feelings are not going to clear up immediately I know and I have to have a certain amount of patience.
In theory I would still love to hook up with you both for our Tate meeting - believe me, sincerely, there is nothing I would like more. Everything pivots on LO at the moment - she still will not feed if there is anyone else in the room - still v clingy fussy bless her heart- which makes things really difficult out and about and i would really just want to relax and enjoy our day, maybe this would not be so currently. Please bear with me on this guys - don't give up on meeting up with me..
Hope everyone is well anyway - will keep posting x

OP posts:
clemsterdarcy · 15/02/2007 20:06

Hey Lovely.

No worries. We can meet when you're BOTH up for it! And don't forget that you have an open invite to meet up when you're next in TW.

And I'm here ...

Take it one day at a time ... gawd, sometimes I have to take it an hour at a time if my dd being minxy.

Very glad you got some help. It takes courage to accept help too ... keep being brave.

One thing that helped me ... babies (like adults) have up days and down days (noone is cheery every day) ... so don't think it is all spiralling if you have ups and downs ... little nuggets of happy will keep coming along to obliterate the tough times.

Get out in the day for walks as much as you can and find mini-head-space breaks ...

Keep posting when you feel able ...

You are cared for and thought of more than you know ... everyone is rooting for you and knows you will come through this x

margo1974 · 15/02/2007 22:23

Solow,

Things may well have gone pear shaped but it has made your HV rethink her diagnosis for you which means you will be getting proper treatment soon.

I hope this is the turning point for you, I really do.

Love Margo x

frumpygrumpy · 20/02/2007 20:02

I've not been on for a week but just wanted to say hi. How you feel is not only totally understandable but totally normal too. Keep posting when you feel you want to, I'll be leaving this thread on my watched list. However shitty you feel, you can post that and we won't get fed up hearing it.

Because we get it.

You will get through this and the experience will make you stronger. xxx

DonnyLass · 23/02/2007 15:04

Hey Solow.
Thinking about you.

Sending you a big thank-god-its-friday-dh-here-for-2-days-to-let-me-get-rest-smile.

You got through another week .. bet that LO is getting more and more lovely and hopefully more and more manageable!

Clemster (I changed my nicknam cos I was bored!)

margo1974 · 26/02/2007 13:48

how was your weekend?

margo1974 · 04/03/2007 22:11

It's me - how are you doing?

margo1974 · 18/03/2007 23:52

Hi Solow, I hope you're well..I've been thinking about you today

jetjets · 19/03/2007 18:06

Message withdrawn

mountaingirl · 23/03/2007 08:29

solow, poor you {{{{{}}}}}. You need to go to the gp and get help. You need to take the baby to a cranial osteopath. My ds1 was the same, I went back to france 1 month after he was born and was all on my own day after day. All I did was hold him day in day out as he would scream otherwise and had little or no energy to take him out for walks. I made sure no one knew how f**ing dreadful I felt (big mistake in retrospect), I wish mn had been about! I felt exhausted and just used to sit at home crying. I have never had ad's but in retospect should have. Get the baby into another room so you don't hear her snuffle and let her settle herself back off to sleep, if you can't do that at night do it during the day. As a mother of 3 you do get through this and with the following babies you don't put up with their demands like you do the first. Dd was a sweet angel and ds2 was a nightmare, he almost made me agrophobic as he screamed non stop if we went out, though his colic was sorted out by osteopathy. His whole personality changed once he could move around. {{{{BIG HUG TO YOU}}}}}it will get better, get help and a babysitter if you have no one else to help you. xxxx

mountaingirl · 23/03/2007 08:34

I think also PND should be renamed post natal exhaustion because that is what it is, or even post natal shock because that definately is what it is, especially with your first you life is turned upsidedown being responsible for a lo 24/7. It is not the same for men at all. There are still days as a sahm that I wonder how and why I did this, then one dc comes over, snuggles into me and we sit there cuddling and it makes it all worthwhile... xx

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