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want to die

171 replies

solow · 23/01/2007 19:21

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

OP posts:
solow · 25/01/2007 21:50

thanks again guys your posts are keeping me going.... SH27 I am in Bromley

x

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 25/01/2007 21:51

this is the book, it might help

margo1974 · 25/01/2007 22:19

Also give these people a ring

Natural Medicine Centre
72, High St, West Wickham, Kent BR4 0NH
Tel: 020 8776 1525

They have a few rooms in the back to carry out different types of therapies.

I went there for reflexology but they may be able to put you in touch with a cranial osteopath or suggest a few remedies for you and/or LO

solow · 25/01/2007 23:53

thank-you frumpy your story gives me strength so good to know this is not just me and margo thanks for that - I will be in contact tomorrow x

OP posts:
IntergalacticWalrus · 26/01/2007 09:58

solow, how are you doing today?

clemsterdarcy · 26/01/2007 11:25

SOLOW

Morning honey. Another day and night done ... you made it, you mothered, you rocked and you rock!

Cranial osteopathy really does help babies who have stressful births (of which excessive crying is a classic symptom) as does sucking a dummy ... sucking taps one of the glands in the brain (pituitary I think) which releases a chemical to sooth and lessen the pressure in the babies head ...

There is a fantastic baby cranial osteopathy place in Tunbridge Wells called the Altman Clinic ... will find address and post. Several babies in my NCT class went there and reported back that their babies were ultra chilled for days after and generally calmer. It is costly (£30 for a session) but it was so worth it.

If you come to TW then let me know ... I live their and we should meet for a 'coffee and a boo' ... if you just want to sit and weep then put your head on the table and snooze that's perfectly fine with me ... I can push my 16 week old in her buggy and rock yours at the same time ... pretty strong arm muscles these days ... and bizarely the babies tend not to cry when they're with each other ...

Make time to see people so you know you're not alone ... don't get trapped in the house .. other mums will TOTALLY UNDERSTAND and will not mind your baby crying ... our ears are acclimatized.

Keep going fabbamamma x

clemsterdarcy · 26/01/2007 11:26

SOz -- tired and punctuation and spelling stuffed today! SLightly embarrassing ahem x

elijen · 26/01/2007 11:37

Dear Solow

I stumbled across this thread and I was in exactly the same position you are when my DD was born. I was stuck to the chair day and night for whar seemed like the first 4 months of her life. As a result I got PND and had thoughts of ending my life!!! I spoke to my health visitor who of course said I had PND. No flies on her! They suggested ADs but I knew they weren't for me. I just wanted sleep. But before I get you more depressed my DD is now 2.5 years old and sleeps the whole night through. Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Make the most of your mum and yes the age old saying sleep when your baby does. I found co-sleeping a life-saver. Also getting out meeting other mums (play groups etc) helped as well. The extra simulation seemed to help settle my DD and slowly we got into a routine. What I am trying to say is sometimes it takes a while for little ones to settle into life but rest asurred they will get there and you will have the most wonderful child at the end.
Remember you have mumsnet and we will always try and support you.
keep your chin up and good luck.

clemsterdarcy · 26/01/2007 11:50

Soz this is long but pasted from Atman Clinic site ...

  1. The Osteopathic Treatment of Birth Trauma
If an adult was subjected to the forces that are involved during birth he or she would be very likely to be suffering in one way or another. It would be reasonable to expect a certain amount of residual psychological shock to present as well as a terrible headache, stiff neck and sore back. One would naturally request treatment of these symptoms and if this were not forthcoming one would complain loudly.

Babies are often brought to osteopaths after a traumatic birth because they are showing signs of distress. Symptoms that can alert the parents to a problem being present are:

Inability to breast-feed, regurgitation of food, colic and digestive dysfunction, sleeplessness, constant crying, rigidity of the baby (feels tense), distortion of the head, inability to turn the head equally side to side, squint and facial asymmetry.

Older children may be suffering with undiagnosed birth trauma when they present with:

Asthma, glue ear, hyperactivity and attention deficit disorders, sleeplessness, constant coughs and colds, learning difficulties, balance and co-ordination problems.

The body has an incredible ability to self heal. There are subtle rhythms and forces at work which regulate the body tissues after trauma. One way in which nature fixes the effects of a traumatic birth is by increasing the intra-cranial pressure by crying. Each time the baby cries it forces a ballooning of the skull which drives the bones apart helping them to find their correct balanced position. It is ironic that by comforting our children when they will not stop crying we may actually be prolonging their suffering. One needs to be able to leave the baby to cry for short periods. It is quite true that babies will often cry their way through mild birth trauma within the first twelve weeks of life. If they are seen early, treatment can aid the resolution of full movement of the cranial bones and much of the distress of the first few weeks can be avoided.

Another method by which nature fixes the problem is with the internal pressure that is generated when the baby sucks. The pressure of sucking onto the roof of the mouth causes the base of the cranium to be pumped up and down. If one feels the fontanelle on top of the baby's head during a feed you will be able to feel it go up and down as each suck has its effect. This is why dummies/soothers and bottles with small holes in the teat are known to help babies with colic and symptoms of distress.

Treatment of the baby is aimed at restoring full balance to the alignment of the body in the long axis. We ensure that the diaphragm and chest are moving freely with each breath. If the breathing movements are full this transmits movement to the pelvis and head of the baby. The rhythmic respiratory movements will then work to release the tension in the joints and muscles after a difficult birth. The baby is gently held with one hand under the head and neck and the other hand under the pelvis. If there is any twist or compression along the long axis of the baby it can be gently released. We then check the compression and alignment across the hips and shoulders before we check the head.

The head is examined for asymmetry, misalignment of cranial bones (causing ridges between the bones), muscular tension at the base of the skull down into the neck and for the quality of the involuntary movement or cranial rhythm in the cranium.

The treatment is very gentle in nature. The hands are seeking to help the baby find its centre of equilibrium and a state of balanced tissue tension in all parts of the body. The membranes around the brain and the tissues which anchor the brain within the skull, are of particular interest when we are dealing with symptoms arising from pressure on the cranial nerves. Once the point of balanced membranous tension has been found, it is held at that point permitting the inherent healing force within to normalise the body.

It was once said by Dr W G Sutherland, a pioneer in Cranial Osteopathy, "as the twig is bent, so the tree is inclined." It is easy for the skilled practitioner to straighten bent twigs!

clemsterdarcy · 26/01/2007 11:51

Geoffrey Montague-Smith D.O.

Contact:

Atman Clinic
108 St Johns Road
Tunbridge Wells
Kent TN4 9PH
01892 544783
email: [email protected]

solow · 26/01/2007 12:48

Afternoon all!
I have just woken up after being relieved by Mum from "holding duty" at 9am after an OK but not brilliant night -nothing new there.
I am co-sleeping which I didn't want to do at all but obviously with my LO it is the only way I will get any rest -I say rest not sleep-. I'm not sure if it's 100 % safe but fisrtly I get her to calm down and rest lying tummy down on my chest then I transfer her to the bed on her back and if she wakes again I have to put her on her side. I sleep facing her with my head almost parallell to hers. My Mum was observing her yesterday and she commented "It's almost like she is insecure" which for me hit the nail on the head - it's like she is emotionally disturbed bless her.
Clem you are in TW! I really love it ther - spent a lot of time there in summer. I would love to come and see you - I think it's best that I drive, and thanks SO MUCH for the recommendation of that centre - would they see me as well do you think? My back is shot with all the carrying and co-sleeping at a bad angle.
I spoke to HV on the hone and she is coming over shortly to discuss things...haven't told anyone she is coming or what I have done as yet - we'll see how it goes. Don't feel suicidal anymore but I think a lot of that is thanks to the support I have had here x

OP posts:
CheesyFeet · 26/01/2007 13:15

Solow, you sound much more positive today which is lovely to hear

I have no experience of Cranial Osteopathy myself but I know people who's babies have and it has done wonders

Good luck x

clemsterdarcy · 26/01/2007 13:16

Good good good on so many levels...

  1. That you got some sleep

  2. That your mum starting to realise that you need her help

  3. That your HV is going to get you some help

  4. That the real blackness is starting to pass

  5. That you are starting to do things that will make a difference ... thinking about appointments etc

Sort your appointments and let me know when you are going to be in TW so we can meet up.

You have been ABSOLUTELY AMAZING these past few days in mobilizing all the resources you need. Well done you.

Know this -- in recognizing you need help and sorting it out, you have made the first steps towards life getting heppy again.

Happy mummy - happy baby.

You are already a super mum and every day you are learn, grow, become even better. Your daughter is blessed to have such a strong, capable Mummy.

xx

IntergalacticWalrus · 26/01/2007 13:31

Graet to see you are feeling a bit more positive solow.

Keep posting x

solow · 26/01/2007 15:26

Clem a million thanks again I will give you a shout when I am around...
IGW I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had not recieved the responses I have had from my OP.
I did not imagine in a million years to get such support and advice, I just wanted to get things off my chest.
Speak again soon

X

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 26/01/2007 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frumpygrumpy · 26/01/2007 15:56

little steps solow, make a big difference and it all adds up to a path you will be glad you took xxx.

belgianmama · 26/01/2007 16:11

Hi Solow,
I just had a quick skim of this thread, but I just wanted to say what probably a milion people on here have already told you.
It will get better. As a matter of fact I only had 2h of sleep at the time, with my ds, so it could be worse! It is vital that you sleep when your lo sleeps. If you can't switch off because she disturbs you, then maybe you should move her into her own room. I know its against SIDS advice, but you will be a better mum if you're rested and that's a bigger issue at the moment. Trouble sleeping can also be a sign of depression, so I'd definitely go and have myself checked out by the GP or HV if these feelings continue.
My ds was also one of those babies who had to be held 24/7. Just like you I got myself a sling and it was a life saver. I could finally do some housework and the movement of the sling also often rocked him to sleep. Trust me it will get better. The day your lo discovers her hands, she'll be able to enjoy herself for 10 mins at the time or even longer with a baby gym or some other baby toy. The older she gets, the more she can do and the more contented she'll become. Unfortunately at 6 wks she still wants only you. Think of it as a privilege though, soon you'll want to pick her up and cuddle her and she'll just run off!
Hope you'll feel better soon. {{{}}}

lucy5 · 26/01/2007 19:36

Just wanted to check in and say hello. Glad you are sounding more ositive My friends baby was traumatised by birth and she had cranial osteopathy and it worked wonders.

margo1974 · 28/01/2007 20:12

Hope everything is okay with you and LO

Margo x

IntergalacticWalrus · 28/01/2007 20:14

How are you doing solow?

solow · 29/01/2007 12:55

not great tbh - Bad night last one LO still keeping me up all night and seems to be going through a really active phase I can't put her down for 1 second and holding her is v uncomfortable as she keeps kicking up with her feet and trying to hurl her head back - she thinks she is 5 months old!!*&( . Sling helps but she gets bored and restless with it after a while...
HV coming today but I honestly don't know how she can help - I need a placid baby that sleeps for more that 45 mins to make me feel better..
Sorry not more upbeat
x

OP posts:
liath · 29/01/2007 15:43

What helped me a lot was a post natal depression support centre that offered all sorts of things - counselling, baby massage or just somewhere to drop in, have a cuppa and chat. It was good to meet other mums and know I wasn't alone. Your HV should know if there's something similar available locally to you.

Is your DH helping at night at all? Mine would take dd till she needed fed at 1 or 2am while I hit the sack at around 9pm.

Also, could you look into hiring a post natal doula or even a maternity nurse to help take some of the load?

Keep posting, we're all thinking of you.

margo1974 · 29/01/2007 16:03

we're all still rooting for you

solow · 29/01/2007 16:35

feel numb today more than anything I am past crying now x

OP posts: