want to die

[solow]

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

Margot - I think thats really lovely of you - and a jolly good idea.

Solow - have only scanned this thread but had to post. Please go to see your GP or health visitor - you might have PND like my dp did - or you might be 'just' utterly exhausted and stressed out by the whole thing like I was..!

Either the first 6 weeks are complete hell and honestly your dd is just being a normal newborn baby. They're a nightmare and it's fine, normal and OK to think so.

I remember when ds1 was about 6 weeks old, wanting to kill all other Mums - why didn't anyone tell me I was about to enter hell?? I was furious everyone had kept this huge secret and someone should have told me it would be awful, stressful, and nothing would seem the same.

Honestly, it gets better - I'd say the next 6 weeks will get a tiny bit better each week, and then from about 3 - 4 months onwards you start to see little glimmers of life returning - usually after a decent night's sleep!

Life isn't the same again - can't be, but you feel better about it as you start to sleep more, eat better and get a bit of your old life back.

So please go and see someone re: PND - my dp had Sertraline and it did the trick within about a week. She was on a low dose for about 8 months and then came off it with no problems. And if at all possible, call in as much help as you can - day time help so you can grab the odd nap - or go out on your own, and evening help to maybe get out for a meal with your dh.

Good luck and there's lots of us here who've been through a very similar experience so keep talking!

Oh honey, lots of hugs. I can truely say I hated virtually every monent of the first 6 weeks of my DS life. It really does get easier, promise. At this early stage you seem to get so little back from your little one, that is what I found so hard.

As everyone else has said go and talk to your GP or HV (and if one is unhelpful try the other). My other (probably unpopular advice_ would be to put your baby in its own room. I did and it made all the difference as I actually slept when he did. If you are worried about leaving her then perhaps swap rooms with DH at the weekends so taht you can get a better nights sleep and just (!) get up to feed

Lots of love, one consolation is you have found MN, I did not manage that till mine was about 6 months! xx

Dottydot - when I left work to go on mat leave one of my colleagues (a recent Mum) said to me "remember that loving the first 6 weeks of motherhood is a conspiracy , everyone makes out you should be having the best time of your life when in reality most people find it hell" That kept me sane (just) in the early days, think it should be in all baby books!

your posts have, sincerely, changed my perspective and deeply touched me. Thank you all so much and please know that you have made me feel so much better if only momentarily and given me the strength to get through another sleepless night. DH has just come home and has taken over holding duty - knowing that some of you have had similar babies who have turned out fine is really reassuring. I know there must be a way out of this

Yes, I'd second putting dd in her own room - it might help you sleep better. Ds1 went in his own room at 4 weeks and ds2 at 2 weeks because we found we just couldn't relax and get to sleep properly because we were listening to every little sound and snuffle - drove us bonkers and meant we were hardly sleeping between feeds.

I know the guidance is for them to stay in your room for the first 6 months, but you have to balance guidance sometimes with what's going to help you keep sane and healthy..!

Darling, the first six weeks of DD1's life were absolute hell. Totally and utter hell. Loved her to bits, desperately wanted to escape and get back to my pre-baby life.

Get help.

It does get better.

I think just keep trying as well putting your dd down in different places for short periods of time. I'll never forget racing home from work when ds1 was about 7 weeks old, worried about dp and how she was coping because she had PND (I had 6 weeks leave - dp had him) and her Mum had come down to help because I'd gone back to work. Her Mum had taken ds1 and just laid him down on the settee - and he had settled down and gone to sleep!

Sounds bonkers but this hadn't occured to us - we'd been putting him in his Moses basket or holding him. It needed MIL to do something different - putting him down on the settee to make us see that we could do different things with him, put him in different places and not just keep holding and rocking him - which is knackering in itself!

I remember seriously considering phoning social services to ask them if they could take ds1 away - just for a little while, a weekend maybe, so we could try to recover. I didn't want him gone altogether, but I was just desperate for someone to take him so I could collapse somewhere and not have the constant stress and worry...

Right - I'll stop wittering now!

So glad I am not the only evil mother who put her newborn in his own room! I also found it helped as I did not jump up at every squeak, often in the time I had got out of bed and padded down the hallway he had settled back to sleep again on his own!

I expect your dh wants to "fix" this situation and find a practical solution. which is probably not helping as you have tried to tell him so he can reassure you. I know I kept trying to get my husband to tell me he loved me all the time, so he would hug me, reassure me etc. I so needed that back up.

hi solow
you sound like you are having a hard time but are doing brilliantly. I'm not sure you have PND, sounds like baby blues to me but monitor it and don't be afraid to get onto the GP or HV. Is this baby number 1? I've only got 1 myself but when he was tiny he was hard work but those times are brief and you don't know this when you are in the middle of it. Really don't worry about your housework at all. Take the time out to sit down with the baby (ring slings are fab - had one), chat with friends or relatives, read books, sing out loud to your baby. Go out for walks, use the pushchair or the sling whichever. Really don't worry that you aren't projecting the 'coping' image. You are doing brilliantly and if the downstairs loo isn't sparkling clean and there aren't cakes flying out of the oven, well who cares. Good luck, it really is a short time period, you just don't know it yet x

Solow, I'm another who could have written your post word for word at 6 weeks. It does get better but get as much help now as you can. Your DH may have a demanding job but he needs to help you at night. I made the same mistake - DH in the spare room & me doing it all at night. We are NOT designed to spend this time looking after a tiny baby on our own - it is totally unnatural & a product of modern life.

I didn't ask for help & by 9 weeks just broke down completely, DH had to take compassionate leave freom work and I ended up on sleeping tablets.

Now I love being a mother, my dd is a constant joy - small babies can be hell but if only I'd known how much better it would get & how much I'd love it. All the best & keep posting for support.

xx

I couldn't do a proper reply earlier....

6 weeks is no time at all in baby world (and a lifetime in new mum world!!!).

There is nothing wrong with her, she is just a child who needs more physical contact than others.

It takes a good 12 weeks for them to even begin to get the hang of this real world thing, and in my experience, 6 months to suddenly realise that you're starting to get the hang of this mum thing.

Your heart breaks when she cries because every child is designed with a cry that affects their mummy and just their mummy in that way. Anyone else's child you would be able to tolerate for longer without that same heart rending anxiety, and everyone else is that way with your child - even her father as as that can be!!

My DD had colic, couldn't feed properly from one side, and refused to sleep during the day so by the end of the day she was overtired and very anxious, mixed with the colic and (it later turned out) a sore neck hence the feeding probs, she would cry from 7pm until 2-3am. I remember going to my friend's house, her taking my baby out of my arms and rocking her to sleep. I sobbed into the glass of wine I'd been handed saying "I'm just doing it all wrong!!" She turned round and told me that she didn't hate me, that she wouldn't be better off with someone else, and that I would learn what to do... I hadn't told my friend any of those worries - she knew them from her own first 12 weeks. It made me realise how normal all those feelings were.

I hope tomorrow is a bit brighter for you

xxx

solow, how are you doing today? I hope you are feeling a little less foggy

thinking of you too

Oh Solow - I don't think I can add anything more useful, but would echo what everyone has said.

Really, don't expect to get anything done during the day, it's not important. You do need your partner's support, and rope in anyone else near you to help. Don't be afraid to ask, you shouldn't have to go through this alone.

FWIW, I didn't find that things 'magically' got better at 6 weeks - for me it took a good while longer. I found having ds a big shock, not at all what I expected and it took a long time to adjust. Before you give birth you have no idea how it is going to make you feel and I found that one of the hardest things to cope with.

Take care and I hope you start to feel better soon

hey walrus
as a mater of fact I am feeling better today. I had a heart to heart with DH last night and I told him how I felt I couldn't cope anymore. He basically told me he wasn't surprised I feel the way I do as the one time he was on the night shift with DD he thought he was going to hurl himself off the roof by the morning but I think he realises now what a rough time I am having and how I can only describe it as "grieving" for my previous life.
Miraculously DD had the best night since she was born and I got 5 hours sleep! On top of this my ring sling (maya wrap) arrived today and I am writing this with both hands and DD asleep against me.
I will still contact HV today as I have had good days before and the next can feel almost as suididal as I did yesterday but I feel maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel and I can one day really enjoy my baby and being a mum

solow, I think I know who you are. I've been thinking about you alot and I'm so sorry to hear about your suffering. Haven't read all the posts so sorry for duplications. PLEASE speak to your GP/HV. Don't feel like you are a failure/bad mother. You sound like a sensitive person who is so in tune with your LO and you are a brilliant mother. I waited 9 months with my 2nd DC to tell anyone how I felt. You can't do it on your own. I felt exactly like you do now. Your bit about staring into space brings tears to my eyes. It was worse because DD1 was my 2nd and I felt like I knew what I should be doing but I just felt like a bag of shite. I'm on my 3rd now, who is 8 weeks and it is still hard being knackered but fortunately I don't have PND this time and talking to other people really helps even if it is just on here. You know where we are don't you sweetie. Take care xxx

p.s. on a practical level:

• get some kip whilst your mum is there
• take vitamin B complex - beats the tiredness
• get GP to check your iron levels esp after the birth you had
• magnesium helps beat the blues
• sometimes you just have to put them down and let them cry
• talk talk talk - you are not alone

x-posts! So pleased to hear things are improving. Take it one day at a time. IMO 6 weeks is definitely a turning point

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glad you're feeling brighter today, solow.
a bit of sleep can make SO much difference.
also glad you still intend to chat to your HV as well.

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just found this thread. All the other Mum's are right - first 6 weeks are hell and it's still hard until they sleep through which, of course, varies hugely. ~I really think putting baby in her own room helps. I also implemented a one minute rule. I defy anyone to tell me that letting baby cry for one minute will cause everlasting damage but you would not believe how often dd settled herself in that time. You need a clock as it feels like 20 minutes!
I know other people have mentioned cranial oseopathy - I totally support it especially as your dd seems upset when you lie her down. I took the attitude that it couldn't do any harm so it was worth a try.