want to die

[solow]

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

Haven't read the rest of your discussion so this might be a bit useless but have you tried swaddling her, really tight so she can't fling her arms about. My son couldn't sleep without flinging his arms about and upsetting himself, we swaddled him and held him for 10 mins till he nodded off, put him down with a kiss and reasurring words and hey presto he slept. hope things get better

Solow, I have only just found this thread, but I too could have written your post 9 years ago when ds was born.

I just wanted to second everything that everone else has already said and to offer you my support too.

The time of year is not helping you, I'm sure. Its no fun having to get up (or not sleep at all) when it is freezing cold and miserable outside. But, the evenings are already getting lighter and with every week that passes, another quarter of an hour of daylight. Before you know it, it will be british summertime again and you will feel so much better. Flowers will be sprouting and then flowering - look out for them, it helps.

The other thing I wanted to reiterate which has already been mentioned is to get out and go to toddler groups if at all possible. I didn't realise you were "allowed" to go with a baby with my first, but you will be welcomed and given so much support by other mums.

Both my children were like your baby, but it was so much easier with dd because I knew it wouldn't last long.

Well done for posting here, come back and keep us updated and enjoy your little one. Remember, a baby that needs constant cuddles is Nature's way of making you rest too. So, forget the housework and enjoy these precious times.

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep; I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep. I love this poem x

Has your HV been yet, Solow?

That poem is beautiful.

Hi solow, just checking in on you. You will have good days & bad days but before you know it there will be more good than bad. I noticed bulbs coming up in my garden today ... spring is just round the corner. I've had 3 winter babies and that thought has always kept me going.

I know you probably don't feel like it but if you can, try and get out as much as possible. It will do you the world of good. Don't worry about your LO crying, noone else notices it like you do. Also, as someone said, try and get to some playgroups. I always found the ones run by mums at churches best (and I've been to a few!). Once you've found just one friend, you'll feel so much better.

Numb is ok. You're exhausted. Numb is ok.

Will she sleep on your chest? Do think about cranio sacral.

I am looking into CO for sure although the birth was not really damaging for her - it was a "natural" delivery and she wasn't in distress or anything; it was me that passed out through the blood loss...i will try though

Yes she sleeps on my chest then i try to transfer her to a crib/bed without much sucess most of the time

HV thinks I have an extended baby blues...

Just wanted to say Hello

Solow, I don't think your HV is taking you seriously enough. If you continue feeling like this, go straight to your GP and tell him/her what's been happening to you. I do not think that you can still call it baby blues six weeks on. I found this link . Having said that, you are hardly sleeping, which is bound to take a LOT out of you.

Birth can affect babies' necks and heads in different ways. Both head and neck are put under tremendous pressure during the birth, to the extent that they can have feeding problems from the pain. My friend's baby was losing weight for nearly 10 weeks after his birth, but after two sessions at the CO is gaining weight again. He couldn't get positioned properly and was uncomfortable feeding. It is definitely worth a try or two.

Spoke to my HV today and she thinks you have more than just extended baby blues.

Was your mum there when she visited?

It's easy for them to fob you off when you're on your own

i too do not know what to do! i do not think that my life can get any worse right now!
so much has happened and it is piling on top of me and i feel there is nothing i can do as it is all out of my control.
i find it hard ot tell my mid wife how i feel. i am due my first baby in 4.5 weeks and chances are i am going to lose my home due to my own stupid fault. i had my boyfriends friend move in to my hime (no sub letting) as i was trying ot do him a favour. he assured me he would help me sort the house out for the baby and keep me company, how naive. anyway he just used my house for a knocking shop and to run up my bills. i wanted him out from day one but was too afraid to as everytime i did he would turn on the guilt etc saying how it would get better and i did not want to get my boyf involved. anyway my boss at work found out and told the company i rent from and i had to ask him ot leave, he turned nasty which was what i was afraid of and got my boyf involved who has sided with him and told him he does not want anything to do with me or his baby. the funny thing is that this 'lodger' never gave me any money in the past two months and i am gong to lose my house for nothing. the council will not house me until i get an eviction notice but i cant bare the waiting. on top of that i have no close friends or family near by as i am here because me and my husband split up and he was in the army hence no roots here. my lease runs out a month before my maternity and i am afraid it will not be renewed. i have nowhere to turn and cant bare being at work since everyone must know and are judging me when they do not know the whole story. i am concerned that if i do go to the council they will stick me in a hostel and i will have to get rid of all my furniture which i will not be able to afford to replace and i cant give up my dogs as they are all i have apart from my son due in March. i feel so alone and do not know if i can go on. i cant even afford to buy a cot or do a food shop.

Bethoo,

You're in a terrible position at the moment and LOs impending due date is adding to the pressure that you're feeling. Are there any mnetters who live local to you? Your midwife may be able to give you some phone numbers of local organizations who may be able to help.

I hope your situation improves

M x

solow, I have not read entire thread but just wanted to add my support and reassurance. I agree with what's been said about PND and you should definitely follow that up.

I have two babies and did not have PND but I still cried whilst doing middle of the night feeds in the first couple of months and wanted to scream when I heard those first whimperings of them waking up. Before 6 weeks your baby gives nothing back to you and it can feel like you're giving everything (you probably are)- it can be very unrewarding- but as the months go by that will change completely as you and your baby grow to love each other and all the small things- first smiles, giggles, kiss, words etc. will melt your heart and make you feel like the proudest mum in the world.

Forget the housework- do the bare minimum when someone else is around to look after your dd or get your dh to do some when he comes home. He may have a mega demanding job but so do you and at least he's getting a full nights sleep!
Also try to get out of the house- you'll be amazed how much your dd will enjoy seeing something different- sitting in a cafe having a coffee, a walk in the park, a mums and babies group, she's not too little to go swimming either (if you can be bothered). My ds used to get bored in the house at a very young age and he always wanted to see what I was doing (still does at 22 months), so I ended up taking him out everyday, anywhere and everywhere. I got a zoo membership and took him all the time and we both loved it. I loved the walk and the animals and he love going in the sling or buggy and looking at the trees!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that although it isn't what you expected, your life has not ended, in fact in a year's time you will never want to imagine your life without your dd.

Warning - long message. solow, please read....Hi. Started reading this thread late last night so please forgive me if i rpt anything that's already been said. Solow, i know others have said your msg could've been written by them, and i add to that.
Will try to be brief, but have a lot to fit in.
I also have much wanted dd, now 6mths old. She had terrible colic from 4 - 8wks (CO def helped though), so i too was exhausted and a bit weepy, but thought it was normal. DD not clingy so much, but a terrible sleeper in the day. DH came home many times to us both crying. MIL thought i had PND at 8wks, but didn't like to say!! DH, MIL, FIL, DD and I had 2 wk break in Falmouth booked at beg of Nov 06, so the idea of all that extra help kept me going. However, HV (who is great by the way!), had noticed i was weepy every time she saw me & her & DH said i should see GP. At 1st, GP didn't think i had PND (or need ADs) but just wanted to monitor me! 4 appts later (during each one i was crying so much i could barely speak) he gave in and put me on Seroxat. Just in time. This was 1 wk before going away (tabs take about 2 wks to kick in) and by the 3rd day of being in Falmouth, i think i probably had a nervous breakdown. Couldn't sleep, felt sick, DREADED seeing my dd and spending anytime with
her, and tole dh "DD WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITH SOMEONE WHO KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING!" You can imagine what that did to him.
Anyway, we ended up cutting our hols short and going back to MIL as DH couldn't cope.
And then, slowly things got better. Day by day, until now, i'm happier than i really ever thought poss, my dd is beautiful, happy and a joy to be with. Still on ADs, but will start weaning off soon.
the point to all this, solow, is i know u think nothing/no-one can help, but help is there. the key things that helped me :

• Recognising i was bloody depressed *seeing GP
• stopped BF at 6 wks (i know this will annoy some people), but i was exhausted and dd a 'snacky' feeder. When on bottles, DH could come home to do bath, bottle, feed, and also took it in turns for 7am feed so both got a lie in! *help from family (although both grandparents live hours away, they were happy to be called 24/7) *brilliant help from GP surgery (v lucky for that, i know!)

• have had counsellors, PND specialist nurse, HV and "Birth Reflections" counsellors visit my home.

• Help (paid admittedly) from a maternity nurse, who helped us put DD in a daytime routine from 14wks and has probably been the main help. I realise not all of these will be available to you, but there may be more help out there than u think. It really scares me know to think what may have happened if i didn't get help, and it breaks my heart to think what u r going through. I really think you have PND rather than 'baby blues' - my God, if "suicidal" is baby blues, i dread to think what PND can cause. PLease, please see your GP and accept u have PND. There is no shame in it, and a lot more people have it than u may realise. IT DOES GET BETTER. If u want to contact me, am happy to give u my number. Thinking of you.

just wanted to agree with caspercat and ask if you have tried any type of routine? I know she is still tiny but a routine doesn't mean rigid and inflexible. I started off with just making sure I fed at a minimum of 2hour intervals and maximum of 4 hours and that lo has one sleep in between feeds (any length). Also made sure that every night around 6pm she had a lovely relaxing bath, into her sleepsuit and a final daytime feed. I would then try putting her in her own cot before 7pm. I used a dummy to help her get to sleep. Don't go to her straight away if she cries- time it up to say 5 minutes (time it because it always feels longer!) and then you can either cuddle her and put her back or keep her up for a bit longer and try again. You should find that she will start to get used to it and may sleep for a few hours at that time of evening. You could always take her in to bed with you when go to bed later as you will probably need to feed her at around 10pm anyway. Or if she seems happy and you want to try and get some rest you vould try just feeding her and putting her back in her own bed.

If you can manage this you will at least get a couple of hours in the evening to yourself which is just amazing- you can eat dinner in peace, have a bath or just get yourself to bed too!

SOLOW

Sweetheart -- you are ALLOWED to feel sad and numb. Infact doing such a demanding job, with such little sleep I'd say it was bloody NORMAL to 'numb-out' ...

One very simple thing that helped me when it all just seemed overwhelming was to ...

let go ... breeeeeeaaaaaath ... actually make yourself let out a big long sigh, tell yourself that you are doing an AMAZING thing taking 24/7 care of this tiny, needy little person

Stand in the middle of the room, stretch legs, turn ankles, put baby down for 10 seconds and do some shoulder rolls. Tell yourself again, "It will be ok, it gets better each day"

In short -- 'give in' to being 100% there at the mo for your dd and know that each day that you 'do' will see you clawing back a few minutes of 'you'.

I know that every day feels like a lifetime right now, but try to picture you and dd when this crazy-needy phase has passed and you not only just adore time with dd but you can feel rightly proud of how amazingly well you managed

Take all the help you can .... indeed ... but know that you are a fantastic woman and you CAN cope

We are all so immensely proud of you for keeping going bloody well done keep going. Keep going x

Have a look at this, I don't know if this is the full test but it might be worth doing. Be truthful. here

Dear all,

firstly thank you again for the support - these posts are a lifeline for me.
Soph & casper I will take on board what you say and keep my chin up - right now I fantasise about what it will be like in a few months and I can take pride in myself again; have a little more time, relate to friends again and this keeps me going and is comforting to me.
I just can't get used to looking like something the cat threw up when I was such a vivacious person before who was always reading/doing somthing interesting etc etc..
As far as the HV she said she will keep an eye on me and has asked me to come back every week; she thinks the sleep deprevation may have knoked things out of perspective as on the days I get sleep i am much much better. I was totally honest with her and ommitted nothing so I will go with it for the time being unless things take a turn for the worse. She did take me seriously I just think she is monitoring the situation..
LO started communicating through gurgling and smiling at me today and that did lift me it's so true..

Bet her smile is just delicious.

The glamour will return. I promise you.

You are still you ... infact, you're all the more gorgeous because look what you made. Books, nights out, hobbies ... they're on pause not cancelled ...

xxxxxx

These LO are THE most demanding love affairs ... utterly intoxicating, desperately demanding, you can't eat, you can't sleep, you feel that you can't breathe at times for worry ...

Go with it ... you will find a new rhythm together soon enough that adds to and enriches rather than detracts.

Just keep plodding through this bit and oh my those fancy shoes and glass of chardonnay over lunch with your friends will be all the nicer.

Hey SOLOW ...

You're in Bromley right ... if you fancy pulling on your M&S 'Magic pants' (especially designed for newmummy jellybelly), donning some lippy and meeting at the Tate Modern on Thursday to give our daughters an introduction to art and have a coffee ... I'd be honoured to meet you.

'Me time' can happily become 'me and my girl' time ...

xx

Clemster you are a star - you say all the right things x I would love to hook up with you all things permitting - The Tate is (was) one of my favorite places to go and enjoy - why would I think that would change just because I have a baby...? where are you based?

Solow, please take pride in yourself now, you are doing the hardest job in the world - please, put on those magic knickers and get out! That's an order !!

oops, x-post !

I loved clemster's summing up of having a baby - utterly intoxicating and desperately demanding is IT!

I'm so glad you've got some support here solow.

I can only add that the world looks 99% different when you are not sleep deprived. There is a good reason that sleep deprivation is considered torture.

I'm at work so haven't had time to read whole thread (sorry) but I would take every chance you get to have a break from your dd, however short that maybe. And don't feel bad about it; you NEED a break from her, all mums do. I don't know if that's realistic for you, not having read it all, but I hope it is.

And keep faith with the whole thing of motherhood. It WILL get better and easier!

I had a crash cs when I had my ds and my dad sent me an e-mail a few weeks later saying he was glad I was on the mend, and that I could now start to enjoy the fun of being a parent.

I stared at the screen, totally confused. FUN? This was supposed to be any way related to FUN?

Needless to say it really wasn't long before shafts of light and fun peeped in and soon the sunny spells were longer and longer, and sometimes it was sunny most of the day!

All good wishes. x

magic knickers !! [grin[ will give me an excuse to change the ones I have been wearing for 4 days (sorry tmi!)