want to die

[solow]

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

I'm in Tunny Wells ... right done a diary check ... Thursday Feb 22nd (I think) ... you, me, daughters, art, coffee

you ok to hold out for a 'me-fix' till then ... get some other stuff booked in in the meantime

hotmail and we can sort ...

[email protected]

and you know what ... another 3 weeks time and your dd will be approaching that magic 3 months marker when they honestly do 'click' into some sort of better sleeping, the spring will be just around the corner and EVERYTHING will seem so much easier ...

PS ... according to Gwyneth Paltrow ... the trick is to wear 2 pairs of Magic knickers at once ...

(you didn't actually need to breathe did you ...)

one last post then I must go for today ... another tip I got was to 'make pacing the floors an inside walk rather than a frustration' ... byt that, when you are holding the baby, try to breathe and walk without that inner stress of 'walking to get somewhere'. Bizarre tho it sounds, just walking in a big loop with baby, making yourself breathe slowly and trying to enjoy the feel of your muscles really does calm you down

weird -- but try it ... it seems to pass calm on to baby too

It's only right that little "A" is introduced to a bit of culture

I am glad you are getting rewarded with smiles from your LO

Hello,
wow she started smiling and cooing- that's amazing and it's just the start!

So glad you've organised a meet up but there's nothing to stop you going there yourself in the meantime. That's the great thing about having a baby- when you go out you've still got someone to chat to but it's not an effort to make conversation when you're sleep deprived. So take her to museums and art galleries have some 'me time' looking at the exhibits and then treat yourself to a relaxed coffee AND definitely make the most of showing off your gorgeous little baby to the world!!

of course you are in TW You told me that before duh...look forward to it big time!
Also look forward to meeting up with you margo

thanks a million guys i am going to invest in some magic pants tomorrow

you are right soph - I always loved going to museums and galleries on my own before so maybe I could look upon LO with me as an added bonus, like a companion and it is lovely when people come up and look at her and say how sweet she is - it does make me feel proud despite feeling like it is an uphill struggle generally..

Just checking in on you sweetheart.

Glad you have the Tate meet up coming. Sometimes having a purpose each day other than just the baby makes you feel more in charge than in demand.

Also, if she will sleep on your chest, let her. My DD1 slept well on my chest and some days I would give in and enjoy it. Once I was trying to hoover while she wailed and I gave up, lay down next to the hoover, popped her on my chest and we both slept for 40 mintues. Still had to hoover when she woke and she then needed fed and cried some more but hell, I did feel a little better.

I took lots and lots of photos and camcorder recordings and looked over them regularly. You only record/photograph the good and the funny stuff, that in turn lifts you, and your life looks very, very different on film. My life looked more organised and cleaner than it felt.

Keep going xxx.

Keep your chin up Solow.You are doing brilliantly.Have been meaning to post to see you are doing OK

I hope you manage to meetup with Clemster,and find the Big Pants!!

Bet your little un has a gorgeous smile!!!

It DOES get better.

Getting out and doing coffee will make you feel a bit more like the old you.

Keep posting on here for support.

Regards Wrinkly.

Can I join you at the Tate? My dd is 8 months old but am waking every night and finding the days endless right now.

It's all right, I won't be offended if you say no. It just sounded so fun!

Meant to post that under my other nickname. Whoops!

Feel free ...!

Frumoy -- that's a GREAT tip ... I've been photographing like mad ... and there's a cool site called snapfish that lets you make your own MEMORYBOOKS ... pretty cheap and good quality.

It really does help to look back on how far you've both come. Also gives you something to do (you can work on puter with one hand) while baby feeding in the wee small hours ...

www.snapfish.co.uk

Also ... you might want to take a look at this thread ... cathartic way to vent how you will 'revenge' your LO when they are older ...

it is really funny!!!!

Chat: My sister says that when her children grow up...

Why thank you clemster - I think you have inspired me to add it to the MN tips

I'm off to search that website, sounds great.

SONG FOR SOLOW

Sometimes,
These little angry people
Need more than we think
We can give. In those
Milky Midnights of madness
When the utter intoxication
Of their sweet chubby necks
Is eclipsed by a greater desire to rest
And their desperate demands
Make you long for an earlier you
Who could collapse on the sofa in tidy house
After a day of just being responsible for
Your happiness

You dream of that time
When body, still firm
Was yours alone and you could
Take long baths, drink Chardonnay
Stay up late with the promise of
A fresh linen pillowcase until mid-morning
Then they smile and you are awash
With grief that you dared to imagine
You wouldn?t cope
With that loss of a sense of self
That is now bisected into you and your child
Where every day is now about
Her happiness

For now, for a while, you can
Keep going as you help her to find
Her own niche in the world
Let her intoxicate you
With her overwhelming joy
By something as simple as
You walking within her gaze
In that time before dawn
Though the world, still asleep
Seems a bitter new place
Have faith, your sweet daughter
Will reimburse future days as you
Share happiness

Solow I have been following your post with so much sympathy, remembrance and also dread!- as I am due to have DS2 in 2 months.

Your Dd sounds just like DS (like several other babies on the thread). I was desperate for him to smile and be happy as that was the only time I ever felt like a decent carer to him, but he was just so cranky, wanted to feed and be on me constantly. (nb he is 3 and still a bit of a velcro child though loads of fun- I think some of this is personality!!)

I felt like a classic torture victim, being forced to wake up all night (I got to the point where I was too tense to sleep at all because of him whimpering and snuffling all the time, just like you) and then walk around all day like a zombie to stop him crying. I never felt violent toward him (more toward myself, I remember on one dark night smacking my head deliberately really hard into a wall....) but felt desperate to abandon him a lot of the time.

Things do change. I don't subscribe to the idea that motherhood makes you happy necessarily and that children always light up your life- they bring different forms of unhappiness as they get older (and happiness too of course), but you will get out of this awful stage of physical discomfort and mental torture!! (the guilt however can be persistent!)

I am in Dulwich SE London so perhaps we could meet up also when I have my (probably screaming) newborn no.2 in tow. You can look upon me serenely with your hopefully beatific 4 month old on your lap

I love the poem, made me laugh just as dd was screaming her head off as she has done all day today(teeth). Angry little people is absolutely spot on!

oh clemster your poem made me cry
I feel privileged to have such support from everyone on here - Charlie your post again makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I just wanted to share my day with everyone. When my mum arrived today it was such a beautiful morning I thought - I can't go to bed I just can't, so I know it sounds mad but there is a little prep school on the corner I have been thinking of for LO and I happen to know they were having an open day today so mum said why don't you go and I will take LO for a walk. When I got there I was geeted my two of the teachers who were so sweet and commented how well I looked for having a baby 7 weeks ago, they both said how hard this stage was and that I seemed really organised with thinking about this kind of thing. That really gave me a rush of confidence all of a sudden and when I was walking back the sun was shining and I took a walk through the park and put my phone radio on and just breathed in the fresh air and looked at the view of the trees and grass and I thought "I will get through this, I have to get through this so I can become myself again", then the song "what a wonderful world" came on and I just felt so happy to be alive all of a sudden.
Sorry if this sounds rather inane and perhaps a bit tacky but I haven't felt a moment like that in 7 weeks - it's a long time.
When I got back home LO was not smiling she was just beaming at me and gurgling and almost talking bless her; I thought - gosh she dosen't know a thing about it....
will keep you all posted - love to everyone
xx

also charlie i would love to hook up with you after you are ready to go out and about after the birth x

That's so wonderful to hear. When you feel low again think about today and how you felt. If you can feel like this now you can feel like it again!

Ah solow! A day like this in the midst of the others is inspiring!!! Well done for that, how fabulous!! It took me eighteen months to get to that bit!! I'm so pleased for you xxx.

Clemster, lovely song. Yours?

Solow - haven't posted before but have been keeping watch. You have had so many kind and supportive words of advice I felt I couldn't really have added to it! But I do want to say you strike me as being strong and courageous even if you don't realise it. I went through this alone and no-one encouraged me to find help. Looking back I probably did have PND. Accept help that is offered (I am stubborn and used to feel I HAD to cope on my own just to prove I could) and make sure you go to toddler groups, meet up with friends, other mums. They are invaluable! The 'old' you is still there... xxx

So glad you had a better day, solow.

Lovely poem, too!

Solow it is fab to have these moments isn't it. They keep you going.

Dh just didn't understand how I could be beaming with delight at DS and the wonderfulness of the world 1 minute and practically self-harming the next...

After 7/8 weeks I remember him having longer periods of really gorgeous intense smiling and giggling. I would light up like an Xmas tree at these points, and probably totally overstimulate him- he would then switch to massive overtired screaming fit within 5 seconds. Sigh.

One thing I can say about DS2 is I am not going to be as nervous as he was about anticipating all his needs. I think from DS1 have learned that babies cry and if you don't get there straight away, it often doesn't matter very much (though some may disagree with me, I think this can help a lot of mums save their sanity).

This time is a massive massive rollercoaster.

We must certainly meet up when DS2 is born as I know Bromley fairly well. I would meet up earlier to offer you a hand with dd/outings etc but am on self-imposed house arrest due to trying to finish a PhD (nearly as bad as a small baby, but in a silent sort of way).