want to die

[solow]

I am a fairly regular poster on here but have changed my name as I just want to get this off my chest in private as i know my problem canot really be solved.
I have a beautiful 6 week old daughter who was v wanted but since she has arrived I have felt totally out of my depth and in despair. She is a clingy little thing bless her who cries when I try to put her down to sleep esp during the day altough she sleeps in my arms happily - the result being I seriously cannot get anything - I mean anything done during the day. I have now ordered a ring sling in great hope it will help somewhat. But even if it means writing an email or cleaning the bathroom she wakes up and if I am to settle her in her crib it will take a herculean effort so I just end up sitting on the sofa staring into space wishing I were on another planet away from her and all this - this is how i pass the majority my days now I had a wonderful job I am meant to go back to in 5 months and I am about ready for the scrap heap.
I have not slept for 6 weeks for more that 3 hours a night - my mum arrives and relieves me in the morning so I can get my head down and even she says that DD is a very demanding baby who she can't put down but she says we must be postive and thank god she is healthy etc which i agree with and I adore her but I still feel my life is ruined.
I am constantly picking her up for cuddles thoughout the night to settle her and feed her every 3-4 hours but she fidgets and whines in her sleep so even when she snoozes i can't get any rest because i want to give her the best care in the world and monitor her well. DH has ben in the other room for 6 weeks as he has a maga demanding job so i am totally lonely in the early hours just crying in despair, when she cries my heart just tears apart and i feel I was too sensitive to have had a baby. All the expectations I had were totally unrealstic. I have cried every day since she was born and I don't want people to know I am still the same as I was a week after the birth, what am I going to say at the post natal meet-up? That my life is over? that I don't like being a Mum afetr all? One friend I can tell is already backing off from meeting me as she can pick up on how negative I am.
Thanks for listening anyway I just feel liek I want to die on days like this - then someone more capable can step in and take care of my DD whom I love with all my heart.

Thaks again to all who posted recently. The evenings are always the worst when i am left on my own and the dark sets in I always feel a sense of panic and dread but I am dealing with it better tonight.
Castles hello darling I think you do know who I am, I haven't been posting due to obvious reasons - namely I don't want to bring everyone down. Hopefully I will have more positive things to say soon x

Lisalisa your comments particularly affected me, you sound like you had a rotten time; the thought that DD will in time be able to occupy herself seems such a long way off but I know it will come sooner than i realise. This is so hard, even after a "good" day x

Solow please post, I know it sounds cheesy but there are a good bunch of women on that thread. You will not bring anyone down and you may find that there are others too. I had mild pnd with dd and I went to the dr and he prescribed Vitb6 and Magnesium. It was miraculous, I very quickly felt like my old self. The first 6 weeks are hard regardless, they are also hard on your relationship with your dh, as it has to re-adjust. I found I resented dh as he just didn't truly understand. He tried harder and I tried less and we found a point in the middle. Anyway I am waffling, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and please post, whether you want to moan, laugh or rant. Take care of yourself xxx

solow, second what Lucy says, don't for a minute think you will bring anyone down and also don't think that everyone is coping marvellously because they aren't. Honest.

I too used to dread the evenings but in a couple of months you'll really start to look forward to them. It's unimaginable at the moment I know but before you know it you won't be able to wait to get DD tucked up in bed so you can crack open the wine in time for a good old soapfest

Hi SOLOW

I am so impressed that you reached out for help here -- you're couragous and that's the first step to getting it sorted.

You are ALLOWED to grieve for your old life .... and grief has 5 phases ... shock, disbelief, sorrow, acceptance, adaptation -- you will go through every phase and the fastest way to adaptation and happpiness again is achieved through honesty and talking.

So you see, you're getting there -- in fact you're further on already!

Sweetheart, I know you said rou DH has a demanding job mine does too, and I used to hate that I was adding to his stress by not being the perfect Mum and keeping the stress and sleep deprivation all to myself. But he is the parent too ... mine said to me "Lean on me more, I'm a big boy, I can handle it". Why don't you see if he takes total care (express milk if you are breastfeeding) for even 1 night each week ... knowing you will get an uninterrupted sleep will make all the psychological difference when you feel low knowing you have it to look forward to and physically of course.

Honey you are now doing one of THE most demanding jobs on the planet nursemaid, milkmaid, entertainer, etc etc etc ...

Day by day it gets better. Day by day your beautiful daughter will sleep a few minutes longer and find her sense of self ... at the moment she still sees herself as an extension of you. You wait, the minute she figures out she has hands even, she starts to be happier with her own company.

And then you miss her need of you!

Nuzzle up to her warm, sweet smelling neck and know that she utterly adores you. Yuo are her world x

Solow - me again..! FWIW, ds1 is now 5 and ds2 is nearly 3 and although we're obviously through baby hell, I still miss my old life in lots of ways.

I know that's not very reassuring, but just wanted to say that it's completely normal and I think quite right to look back on your baby free life and wish that things were back to being like that. It gets better - it will get better, but the acceptance of your new life as a Mum, with all the scary and knackering responsibilities that come with it, takes a long time to feel OK about.

And feeling like that doesn't mean you're a bad Mum in any way whatsoever - just means you probably had a good time when you were child-free, which is how it should be!

Solow - i always found that the worst times were when DP left for work in the morning. I would be utterly distraught. Once he came home it seemed to just fade away. Weekends were fine too because he was there. Thats why he didnt realise for quite some time that I had a problem. Utterly normal to feel this way when depressed.

God I can relate to that VVV. I used to sob for bout 2 hours every morning when DP went to work. It was horrible. I was a total wreck.

Now I can't wait for him to get out of the door so I can get on with things

IGW

I've only skimmed the thread Solow but I saw your post about now wanting to take AD's as you needed to sort your life out yourself and I wanted to say this...

AD's can be invaluable because they help you get on an even keel so that you are able to sort your life out. I have been on escitalopram for 18 months now and without it there is no way I would have been able to claw myself out of the blackness.

I posted a similar OP to you when dd was about 4-5 months old and it was heartening to get so many replies like "Me too" "you could have been me when my dc was that age" "you sound exactly as I did when dc was that age"

You are not alone and the way you are feeling is totally normal and understandable.

6 weeks is still very early days and things will improve.

We put dd in her own room at about 4 weeks old because we disturbed each others' sleep - perhaps that might work.

Message withdrawn

Was thinking about you this morning SOLOW. Hope your day is going ok.

Noone tells you either that it can actually just get plain old boring looking after a newborn ... especially if you're used to a job/life where you had lots of different things happening.

I remember texting a friend one Monday morning when dh had gone to work and I felt exhausted at the thought of another marathon 5 days afore the weekend and his help again. I said to my friend... 'just don't think I can face another 12 hours of goo-goo ga ga today'. It IS pretty draining being contsantly on-call and feeling you need to be happy mummy!

So I do lots of things to keep my sense of self too ... the baby signing etc are more ways to keep me entertained than dd who would frankly be happy enough chewing a towel!

And I do think back to days when I had all the time to think about what to wear, meet people for lunch etc ... and I long for just a snippet of those times again. So I BOOK time out, just for me, even an hour ... having that to look forward to makes all the difference.

The ultimate suddenly that newborn starts to smile properly, to interact with you, and then woooosh there's something new everyday ... and you realise you've stopped hankering after the old life (well not quite so much at least!). Honestly this will come.

One last thing to thin about -- it is winter, it is cold and grey and the days are short ... that definitely does affect your mood and baby's. In a couple of week Spring will be starting ... you'll get out wih baby (which will help her sleep too) adn you'll just start feeling so much better.

Keep posting, keep talking. So many people empathise and care about you.

Just wanted to say hello and see how you are doing

Hi All thanks for checking to see how I am doing - your posts all really help me learn more about this whole new world much better than the people I know in "real" life; they just seems to gloss over things and avoid the subject, my Mum said today "well she's here now I don't want you to keep saying in front of her that you wish this stage was over!" This was after I had been for a walk today (a big thing for me to actually get out of the house) and stopped the pram to finish my latte on a bench in the much needed sunshine and she stated screaming absoultely HYSTERICALLY so I had to come back home.
God give me strength
I still feel like I am walking around in a daze but I am really trying to keep my chin up esp after the support I am getting here. Who would have thought a wesite would bring me so much comfort from Mums I have never even met!
Speak soon x

and lisalisa - so true about the books and classes not telling you the realities of Motherhood. I feel totally duped (esp by the NCT!) although I understand they shouldn't scare us but a bit more practical help wouldn't have gone amiss. My birth was like something from a horror film - I had PPH and had to be revived, catheter for 3 days, stitches...just awful. I still thought I would be over it by now but to have a baby that you can't even stop the pram for 30 seconds, that I NEVER expected in my wildest dreams.

Ds1 was just the same - everyone said to me "he'll sleep in the pram" - he didn't. He screamed. And screamed. And screamed. He used to scream at traffic lights when the car stopped. The times I would go to the shops and turn round and come back because I felt everyone was looking at me and marvelling at my maternal incompetence.

I have never been so overwhelmed and so unhappy - and at a time which everyone builds up to be this life-changing, joyous experience. A friend who'd had a baby a few months before me sent me a card which said "isn't it wonderful?" and I ripped it up - couldn't bear to look at it. My experience of new motherhood wasn't a bit wonderful.

I don't know if it's possible for all of us who have felt this way to make you believe that things get better - I'm not sure I would truly have believed it when I was in that black hole...but it does. Did you see your HV? Are you going to see the doctor? I know you said

"Maybe I do have PND but surely no one or any medication can magically make me better - surely I have to get myself out of this ultimately?"

and my feeling about that is that if you had a broken leg you wouldn't tell yourself that you should be able to make yourself better - afaic, PND is as real and as tangible as a broken leg. You sounds like you've had a better couple of days but don't rule out medical intervention, will you?

Message withdrawn

solow, my DS used to scream in the pram and I'd rush home. So I used to carry him in the sling. He loved that. All 3 of mine would have lived in it if they could. Have you tried one? By 3 months DS was such a chilled out baby (and still is aged 5) and would happily lie/sit in his pram, he even didn't mind if I forgot to feed him Just think, 3 months is only 6 weeks away. It is such a landmark. You've come this far, it really is not that far off.

Just to make you feel better DD2 (8 weeks) is currently crying on and off downstairs in the kitchen whilst I'm upstairs Sometimes you just have to give yourself a break for 5 minutes or so. Watching the washing machine going round seems to be doing the trick though ...

practical tip -- i got dd an einstein swinging chair ... often put her in it when she yelled and i had tried all else ... you can strap in ... lulled her to sleep sometimes for up to 3h

best 90quid wver spent xxxxxxx

and one thing that I am sure distresses any new mum, let alone one with pnd, is when you've finally made it out and about and your LO starts crying and people start saying - poor little mite - must be hungry/tired. they're usually old women.

how about poor mum? it just,once again, pushes the focus away from mums needs being met as well as baby's.

these women should know better

what i mean to say is - when you do go out, please don't pay any attention to those well meaning old biddies

talk soon....

Someone also bought us a swinging chair thing (Fisher Price)- wouldn't have paid for it myself, but actually great at getting ds to relax/sleep. Did suddenly worry when ds 6mo and said chair was outgrown and loft-bound as I thought "oh god, now he'll never sleep (daytime) without it!" but gradually it's all come good and at 15mo even getting himself off to sleep at night (after breastfeed but still awake)... Sorry, rambling. Will be thinking about you and try not to be hard on yourself. There is sleep at the end of the tunnel x

So true about the old biddies telling you what you should do .I remember a hot day,trying to go shopping DD1 screaming(7 wks) and some old dear stops me and tells me she might be thirsty and need a drink of water just as i would!seeing as i was breastfeeding and was still trying to fix my nursing bra as i had literally just fed her, i didnt even answer- just walked away.How do these people think theyre helping??I really feel for you but youre not alone, many many new mums feel like this but most only admit it later.Why?

Dear Solow,
I too have a very demanding 6 week old DS. I adore him, but some days feel as if I am at the end of my tether. I suffered with PND with my first DS 10 years ago, which is why I waited 10 years to have another as I was so scared of going through it all again.

I am starting with a counsellor on Friday as I want to nip any negative thoughts and stresses in the bud this time. Please think about getting help as you will be so glad you did. I left it last time and for 2 years of my life was in a very dark place and very nearly wrecked my marriage and my life.

I am in Kent as I think you are, whereabouts are you?

Please get in touch and we can help each other through this.

SH27 xx

solow, I just stumbled upon your post......and I echo what lots of others have said.

When my dd1 was born 6 years ago this month, I could have written your post. It was a traumatic and fast birth, I had no useful support in hospital, came home with unrealistic expectations, had an extremely unsettled baby while all around me had calm/feed/sleep babies and I felt like a freak because I couldn't soothe my baby.

I would be in bits when my DP had to work away (frequently) and I remember some dark, cold evenings playing music loudly, singing, rocking her in my arms as she wailed and one night climbing up to our highest window to watch for my DP coming home. I remember us getting frustrated at each other because we were so tired from the constant demands and I too felt like we had made a HUGE mistake. I cried oceans.

I shut the doors, tried not to go out, tried not to meet anyone etc. Convinced myself I was a crap mother, convinced myself I didn't have PND and struggled through. I didn't realise it at the time but it took me 2.5 years to adjust to my new life.

She is now 6, still very, very attached to me but gorgeous, clever, has a wonderful nature, is cheery, daft, cheeky, rude and polite, kind and compassionate. What I'm trying to say is that these days are sometimes so tough. It will not effect your future relationship with her. She will not remember these days. You do need time to adjust but you also need heaps of support to adjust. ADs could assist you in that so keep an open mind.

I found a great book called At Home No One Hears You Scream, Cara Aitken. It was great. I didn't know about MN then and to read stories of people who felt like me was a weight lifted.

BTW, I went on to have twins after my DD and one of them was very unsettled, finally showing me that IT WAS NOT ME as the other one was fine!! I took him for cranio sacral therapy (also called cranial opsteopathy) and it made a huge difference overnight. He had 2 sessions. I found mine through a herbalist clinic that had an osteopath who ran a baby clinic.

Good luck sweetheart xxx.

I echo what others have written. I think Lisalisa summed it up particularly well as have a few others.

Some babies are more demanding than others. My 1st was a particularly demanding baby and I remember sitting on the floor crying most days. He is now 10 and is a joy.

Forgive me if someone has already suggested this but I notice that you wrote you had a traumatic birth. Sometimes, the birth can 'put the baby out of line' if that makes sense. So they feel uncomfortable, maybe their back hurts, or their head or neck. Have you tried taking her to a cranio-osteopath? They can sometimes help. It may be that she just has a challenging character and it won't help at all, but it might just be worth a try.

sorry, posts crossed with frumpy