If I die can I insist dh takes dc to see my parents?

[SweetElizaRose]

I'm fairly sure I'm going to die. I suffer terribly anxiety and recently have come into contact with chicken pox to which I am not immune. I have a strong feeling it's going to kill me.
I'm an only child and my parents will be devastated. Dh does not get on with my parents and I likely to take the children and go ang live with his mother. Is there any way I can legally put anything into place to give them some access? Dh works full time so I'd like my parents to be able to do some of the childcare. Also my dc are close to my parents so I feel they would benefit from seeing them as ds in particular will be very upset. Dd is only a baby so won't really know either way.

It's really worrying me. Or do I just have to discuss it with dh and hope he will be reasonable?

Sorry emerelda

Eliza well done for getting to the GP!

Now, you need to go again and make a new appointment to discuss your anxiety and depression.

Please phone again today.

Hi Eliza, hope today is going ok so far for you and your little baba. Have you asked your DH to do a night feed or have you discussed taking turns to get up with DS first thing in the mornings? Does he do any daytime feeds?
Just wondering have you asked him to do this. Some men just presume we want to do these things ourselves if we don't ask, and if we 'seem' to be managing everything fine ourselves. It looks like we want to do it because we just get up and do it while hoping our partner might notice how tired we are. And our instinct to care for our children is so strong it is very hard to not do it ourselves.
Just asking this to see if you are of the frame of mind that you must do everything yourself because what's the point, sort of thing. As I find myself the worse I feel the harder it is to ask anyone to help.

Hi, so glad to hear you went to the doctor! How are you feeling now about things?

It also occurred to me that there's a site called lactmed, you type in your medication and it will tell you if it has any effects on little one via breast milk. You dh is not a doctor or a lactation consultant, as far as I can tell, so it may be useful to use that site to see what medication you can take if you are set on continuing to express.

Hope you're feeling a bit better honey

Thank you to everyone who has posted with advice or asking how I am.

I feel a little worse today - probably partly because dd is full of cold and not feeding very well and also because I got less than three hours sleep - so I've left a message for the perinatal nurse to call me.
I just want this to stop. It feels like this is how it's going to be forever. Today I'm anxious about chickenpox but just generally anxious as well and I couldn't even tell you what about. Every decision I make - such as taking dc to the park this morning - feels like it will be the one that will end in disaster. So we went to the park but I worried that I'd lose ds, that he'd hurt himself, that we'd have a car accident and it would be my fault because I decided to take them to the park.
I'm home now but just can't settle to anything, I feel like I'm in a horror film and something terrible is always just around the corner.

Hi Eliza, I hope the nurse calls you soon.

I really feel you'd feel much better on meds but I know it's your decision. They've helped me a ton. The thoughts you are having must be torture You're not living a real life. And you are clever enough to know it'll impact on your dcs. I do hope you accept help.

It's good you're posting as a lot of people can empaphise.

But very, very well done on going to the park. Despite your anxiety. That's a real achievement.

Eliza, please do take the meds.

Can I tell you a little about my own experience? I had pnd with my second daughter. I wasn't anxious like you, but I did believe that life wasn't worth living, that my husband and daughters would be better off without me. I fantasized about running away, just leaving home and starting a new life hundreds of miles away. I snapped at the DDs for the slightest thing.

It took me ages to get help, but when I did, things improved. The meds REALLY helped. I'm still on anti-depressives now, 4 years on, and I am now able to thoroughly enjoy my daughter's. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave my life now. The meds helped my perspective to change.

I know your situation is not the same, but don't underestimate how helpful the right medication can be.

Hi Eliza - just wanted to echo everyone else. You are doing fantastically well. Your DH is WRONG - if you have been told by medical professionals that you are safe to breastfeed then just take them.

The one other thing I would say is that I couldn't breastfeed my DS and was expressing every couple of hours (and attempting to breastfeed in between times). I was getting no more than 1.5 hours of sleep at a time and I was completely broken. I desperately wanted to feed him breast-milk because, as you say, it's the best option. My HV came round at around seven weeks and saw what a state I was. She pointed out that while "breast is best" is true on a simply scientific level, a healthy mother is a far more important thing to a child. Formula is not poison and your child will not suffer if you give it to her to allow yourself some rest. Honestly, give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Your DD will benefit from you being rested and healthy.

Another one just wanting to show my support and say how well you are doing. You sound like an excellent mother who wants the best for her children, but like other posters have said you need to look after yourself too so that you can continue to do your best for them. No-one can function well on little rest and I guarantee that is making your anxiety worse.
Please please please start taking your medication, your DH is being a pratt and is hindering you getting better. If you have been told it is safe then you should take it.
We are all here for you, and want to help so please keep talking to us and let us help reassure you that things will be ok.

Hi Eliza, sorry I was quiet today. I was hoping to read what the GP said, you just said he gave you antivirals, was there any other help?

You said you were doing worse, actually you read much better. At some times you have seemed manic and not responding to messages just rambling.

You say you feel worse, depressed, anxious but you sound more aware which is a good thing

You really do need urgent help though. Can you phone your Mum?

Hi Eliza,

Hope you had a reasonable nights sleep. I have been following your thread and hoping that you are able to reach out to someone. Well done for getting to your gp, its not easy. I hope the gp eased your fears around cp a little? When my daughter Eliza was born 3 years ago I was extremely anxious. I wouldn't let her out of my sight 24/7 and became convinced she would die if anyone touched her. It felt so real to me I couldn't take anyone's advice. I thought they were all out to get her. It was a scary and lonely place and I was so frightened. I too was breastfeeding and couldn't accept medication as I worried what it would do to her. Eventually 4 months on and very sleep deprived and delusional I ended up in a mother and baby unit. Having some sleep, some meds and someone to talk to saved our lives. I wish I reached out before I got in such a mess. You are doing so well keeping going, you come across as extremely resilient but I hope you are able to get some good help.

Hey Eliza, how are you today? I took the kids out once, but hail and a thunderstorm sent me running back inside! A slow day for us today

A bit up and down. We went to the library this morning and then I came home to express and then we went to a local museum this afternoon. Every so often waves of despair nearly floor me. Im trying to keep busy because it could be another two weeks before we develop chicken pox! I wish the incubation period was shorter. The not knowing is the worst bit. Dd seems a bit off but I don't know if I'm imagining it because I'm so worried.
Thanks for asking after me. Xx
Perinatal nurse coming on Monday

Glad you're doing better. It's ok to ride the waves of sadness. Wait for the storm to pass. Be kind to yourself, sit down, sleep or cuddle and just know that a bit of normality and happiness is waiting round the corner. If you are feeling fit for it, write a letter when you are in the right mood to your nurse. Detail just how bad the bad bits get, write in full detail. Set it aside till she comes on Monday, that way she can get a full honest picture not just the mood you are in on Monday.

Have you told your Mum how you are yet?

Yes. She is sympathetic but there's nothing anyone can do really. Unless they can't guarantee we won't get chicken pox! I know chicken pox will happen at some point anyway unless I vaccinate it's just I don't feel I can cope with it right now. I'm getting no sleep as it is and dd is so small. Another year or so it might not seem so awful but right now I just keep thinking how on earth am I going to manage on my own with two children with pox and possibly pox myself.
The thought of dd having it so little still horrifies me.
I hope I get to see my perinatal nurse before we come down with it. Monday will be day 11. Right when it might be about to appear.

Hi Eliza. One thing I'm not clear on is why exactly are you expressing so often. That in itself is exhausting. I just wanted to give you my experience in case there is any info that may help. I didn't have loads of milk like some women and wasn't coping with multiple night feeds. Night feeding was of course beneficial for a couple of months or so to get my supply going. As I wasn't coping and didn't want to stop breast feeding, I created my own routine of expressing to get DD through the night with just one big night feed. To get the max amount of milk, I expressed in the morning stopping at least 20 minutes before feeding DD. My milk supply then replenished and I could refrigerate/freeze that milk and feed her from my breast. I did have a double electric pump btw. All I'm saying is perhaps you could change the times you express for maximum results. I got at least 4 times as much first thing in the morning than at any other time and by the afternoon I could only express about 30ml max. In the morning at its peak on a good day I was getting a little more than 200ml. Surprisingly as DD got bigger, I could express more and more in the morning. I soon had tons of frozen/refrigerated milk and continued the morning expressing to keep my supply up. As I had so much frozen milk, I then started to feed her first thing in the morning directly from the bottle and she never managed to drink the whole bottle. I found the morning expressing and then feeding from the bottle great because it was so quick. I then saved the remaining milk and added extra previously expressed milk to it to make a large enough night feed or expressed once more later in the day and added the two together.

And I meant to say please ignore you DH and do everything you can to get well xx

Hi Eliza. Just stopping by to say I'm still thinking of you. I'm very impressed that you managed both a library and museum trip today. That's hard work for any mum of a baby and toddler, but with all your fears it's a real achievement. You should be very proud of yourself for getting out and overcoming those anxieties.

I agree that the advice your DH is giving you is way more dangerous than the possibility of contracting chicken pox.

I would say you need to start taking the ADs and insist he gets up with DS to allow you some sleep.

Also, consider including some formula of the expressing is stopping you from living life. These six months aren't able to be bought back- you don't want to be a slave to the pump. The best thing for your daughter is to have a mother who isn't constantly anxious and worried. You must do everything you can to make life easier for yourself.

Good luck

The trouble is I think that giving formula would (irrationally) make ne feel extremely guilty and so ultimately worse. I am only getting four hours broken sleep though which I know is contributing to how bad I feel. If I get chicken pox I may have to stop anyway I guess...depending on how ill I am. If I take the ADs and dh finds out he will go mad. When fil was ill mil took them for a while and he was ok with that but he's really against me taking them even if I'm not feeding. He thinks I just need to get more sleep (how since he won't help?!) and forget about dd being prem.

Why are you expressing so much milk ? Would you consider mixed feeding the baby, your husband imo is not aiding your recovery if you dont take your tablets on his say so you might be ill for longer medication for mental health problems is the same as taking antibiotics if you have an infection him denying mental illness is not only ignorant but dangerous you have to get better for you and the children.

Because I'm only just meeting her with the amount I'm expressing. I get about 900mls a day and she has around 800 but some days up to 1000 so I never get a backlog to freeze.
I want to give her as much immunity to stuff as I can and also reduce her risk of getting type 1 diabetes which I think means exclusively feeding to at least 4 months.

If I don't get chickenpox - or do but am not seriously unwell - I will carry on for as long as I can. Ideally to at least six months. The only other issue apart from the pox is we have an overnight wedding at the start of may and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage three /four hourly expressing that day!

Ah ok you like to see how much she is having.