Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Hi all
New house is lovely. Loads to do but I've reached shut off point.
I could sleep for a month, only managing 2/3 hour patches so am planning on nesting up as much as possible.
I'm very sluggish, in total zombie mode.

I'm glad the house is lovely room. It sounds like you could do with a rest after all the stress.

I finally had another session with my poorly therapist. It was really good. We ended up talking a lot about my unrealistic expectations of myself. I think we got to the bottom of my mysterious patch of general anxiety and derealisation the other week as well, which makes me feel better. I hated not knowing what had caused it. It left me feeling powerless to do anything to stop it again if it was just coming from nowhere. I just needed a bit of help to work it out I think.

How are you feeling today Bursar?

Very flat and low today, but thank you for asking. I even called a local crisis charity for a distracting chat. They're very good. Had my file up in no time, and all my history right there, and talked with me about random crap for nearly an hour. Much better than the NHS crisis team has ever been for me.

I'd made plans with friends on Friday, but they've cancelled, so I'm trying to make plans with DH on Saturday instead, just to have something to look forward to. Just a film and a meal out.

Felt a bit flat yesterday too. Was running the shop (tiny) by myself and had quite bad depersonalisation but had to just crack on and try to ignore it. Ate a lot of chocolate buttons yesterday.

Well done managing to run the shop though Goood.

I've not had any sleep at all and have been stress eating my way through watching the referendum results. Bitten my nails and scratched my arms without even realising, too. I have a (probably, hopefully, unfounded?) fear of being "sent back" to the EU country that I left eons ago; somehow being forced to leave my house and DH and go crash at estranged DB's couch or something.

I'm giving up on sleep and changing herbal teas to coffees and will try to power through the day, I suppose. It probably won't go well.

bursars.

Hi all :) Hope it's okay if I join in? I'm suffering quite badly from daily derealisation - at least thats what I'm assuming it is... constant foggy head, feeling floaty, everything feeling dreamlike :( it's been going on a good few months now since I had what I can only assume was a panic attack and it's all escalated since then and had to be put on ADs etc etc... no fun
Been having it quite badly the past few days in particular, not sure why. Doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to it being good or bad as far as I can tell. Sigh
Hope you are all doing okay :)

Welcome Lilac. Yes that's a good description of derealisation. Mine has no rhyme or reason either. Though good sleep seems to help a bit but not always a guarantee.

Is it normal to get basically no relief from it? :/ i go to therapy and they always talk about it in terms of panic attacks or coming and going & don't seem to understand when I'm like 'i've had this constantly, every day for about 3 months now'. I feel like its never going to go away :(

Hi Lilac

Bursars I'm the same today watching the results. Feeling quite unsafe and very much an 'outsider'.
Went to bed last night ok and woke very much out of sorts. Day has unravelled along with my mood. I could feel it speeding up until I felt myself shut down. SLAM!!! Like switching me off.
Was more aggressive than normal, if that makes sense??
I've been scratching my chest, absently.
I'd love to sleep, a decent stretch of proper deep sleep.

Im the same, nothing takes it away unless im super distracted. The only actual thing that helps me is diazepam but cant take them any more as have done a 4 month course already and thats already longer than the Dr's like you to be on them.

I have diazepam but I rarely take it because I get so worried about dependence, tolerance, addiction and all that. I literally feel like only half my brain is working and as though I'm an inch or so away from reality, in my own little bubble. It makes me so upset because I try to explain to my family and friends and as sympathetic as they are they just do not understand

Hi lilac, I have had periods of prolonged derealization as well. It is disconcerting feeling like you are not really in the same world as everyone else. I have only spoken to DH about it and while he is lovely and sympathetic he can't really understand. It is hard saying to people 'i'm not mad, but right now all the buildings look like they are made of paper'.

I am in a strange parallel world since I woke up and heard the results yesterday. I am just trying to go one step at a time and get through it. I am trying not to get overwhelmed by the anxiety, but it is really hard.

Lilac I'm similar to Goood
Being distracted helps (sometimes)
It's exhausting and bloody relentless at times.
It's very hard explaining to people, they don't get it.
I had to ask my sister if she could see me the other day, took me three visits to her house, in one day, to finally blurt it out.
She loves me so much but it's hard for her to understand.

How is everyone today? Yesterday I had quite a bad anxiety day but today I feel a lot better. Been tidying the garden up this morning so feeling rather productive.

Hi. I wondered if I could pop in to ask your thoughts. I posted the thread in chat asking about depersonalisation way back when and posted here a few times. I dropped out pretty quickly as other events took over. Had help from crisis team for a while, marriage is over. Changes.

Seems like you have all been supporting each other well.

I really just wondered if you can relate to how I'm feeling. Everyone keeps being helpful about my relationship problems here in MN and real life.

But I feel that no one realises that I'm not a normal person. That somehow I make things up or manipulate the emotional response I get - even though I never say anything untrue. I feel that everyone treats me like a real person when I'm fundamentally different. My version is unreliable. I feel like all my relationships are actually an illusion and so I feel a bit disconnected.

I'm sorry to jump into the thread and dump all this. It's not exactly mutual support. Sorry. No one gets it so I just try and say the right thing.

I just wondered if it makes sense to anyone? If anyone can relate? Im hoping it's just a symptom of stress.

Hi nod and welcome to the thread. Dump away anytime you like !

It can be really hard feeling like other people just can't understand what you are feeling , that they see the world in a different way to you.

I hear what you are saying about feeling unreliable and like you don't give people the 'truth'. I often feel like I say and do things that I don't mean, or that my emotional reaction things is completely at odds to how other people act. I feel often like I am acting a play in the hope of getting the right reaction from people. I also have big problems with relationships and suffer from such doubt about their veracity that I have now ended up just not really having any except with DH.

Everyone's experience is different, but you are not alone. Do post on here with us if you would like to. I find hearing from tothe people who experience similar feelings to me has helped me feel so much less alone. I used to think i was the only one, this thread has shown me that I am not.

Hey nod
Sorry to hear you're going through it all at the moment.
Disconnecting is a huge thing for me.
I'm used to feeling 'not the same', sometimes it takes over, other days, it's water off a ducks back.
I'm all over the place right now, but that's kind of ok.
I know I'm not in any danger, as such.
Few little jobs to do this morning, home early and nesting up for a (nother!) rest.

Welcome Lilac and nod and hello everyone.

I've had a rough past week, lots of anxiety, uncertainty, appointments etc. Definitely disconnecting. My counsellor is off this week and I've even sent some messages to her in third person for some reason. I'm very aware that inside some parts of me are in a bit of a constant panic right now, although I'm functioning quite well.

I had an appointment with the dildo cam ultrasound this morning (managed not to panic), and at least my womb and ovaries are doing fine, luckily!

I have made an appointment with my GP next week as I have had a strange occurrence.

I haven't had a period since the new year and before that it was last summer. So I am pretty sure I am going through the menopause. But last night I started bleeding, just a bit on the loo paper. I felt shitty and had to go to bed as I was at heightened anxiety level 100.
The bleeding lasted a couple of hours.... Very strange very odd.

So a trip to the GP it is ... I am a martyr to my hormones I tell ya!

I have just been completely screwed over at work by my manager. Certain promises were made a couple of months ago, they were agreed by very senior managers as well as my own manager in writing. I have been working to those, with repeated assurances from my manager that they stood. I found out today that they have been withdrawn and to make it worse it was on the insistance of my manager who told senior managers she didnt think it should happen. I am furious and it has sent me into a strange shocked disconnected state. Everything was going so well. I had just managed to convince myself that life could be good, and then it proves to me that the good times never last. Someone or something will always be there to fuck it all up.

On the plus side my ability to switch off and go on automatic has meant I got through the afternoon without shouting, screaming or crying (a number of colleagues have said they don't know how I can be so calm). So sometimes being a mess can be useful I guess.

Oh no that's awful. Sorry to hear that. Is there anyone higher up that you can take this matter to?

Sadly I don't expect any support from further up my direct line management. There may be some senior managers sort of diagonally, but who have influence that might put some pressure on when they understand the implications. In my view this puts the success of a major project in serious jeopardy as I will no longer be doing a huge piece of work and I don't believe that anyone else has the time or knowledge to pick it up.

What is really knocking me is that I feel she has lied to me for 2 months. I don't believe this has just come out of nowhere or been a sudden decision. I feel like someone I have previously trusted to be honest with me at the very least has betrayed that trust completely. I really love my job and my team, but I find it hard to know how I can continue to be managed by someone I can't trust at all. I am basically pretty honest and upfront (possibly too much), I find this sort of dishonestly really hard to comprehend and deal with. I would rather be told honestly that she didn't want this to happen at the start. I would have argued with her, but at least I would have known where she stood.

I think it is like someone upthread said, sometimes I feel like I am operating in a different world to other people. I can't understand why people can't just say what they mean and stick with it. Why do some people find this so difficult?

Sorry, I am ranting now

I'm sorry Jeepers, sounds very difficult and hurtful. :(

Jeepers that sounds shit, sorry.
I totally agree with you about not being able to comprehend people who say one thing but do another.
It's at best, wishy-washy.
It keeps me on the sidelines (which mostly suits me tbh)
In a work situation, it's horrible. I hope you're ok.

I'm not great, but same old, same old.
No energy, mood here, there and every bloody where.
Can't sleep but am completely wrecked.
I wish I could knock myself out sometimes.
This sitting here, completely devoid and empty is just crap.
The littlest things are beyond me. It's so bloody tiresome.
I have 2 wonderful DC. They both very bright and funny, I absolutely hate that I can't 'feel' them. I can't tap into my joy and love for them.
It's horrible.