Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Have taken a Diazepam in the hope I can sleep.
I had tentatively started seeing a guy past couple of months. Very unusual for me to take an interest in anything romance wise.
He has today told me he actually isn't ready for a relationship. Fine, just be certain before you tell me you are.

It has not improved my day

Oh room that is rubbish about the guy. I hope the couple of months you spent were enjoyable though (possible that doesn't actually help...sorry).

I know what you mean about not 'feeling' your love for your dc at times. I love dd to bits. More than I ever thought possible, but there are times when I sort of have to tell myself I love her and think about how I should therefore act. I'm not sure that makes sense. It is another example of acting out a persona I guess. I play the 'good mother' but I don't feel like a good mother. When I have tried to talk to people about it they just dismiss it and say that dd is awesome (which she is) and I am doing a great job (which I think I am). They just dont get it at all. They don't see how hard it is for me to be that person.

I am actually feeling much better today I think, though sort of numb. The rage has passed and I am just really disappointed in my manager. She has often told me how she thinks people should treat their staff well and how our welfare is most important to her. She has been working a lot with a group of managers and consultants who treat staff shockingly badly and we have talked together about how aweful it is and what a negative impact it has on a team and their work. It makes me sad to find that she has become just like them and that if she continues she will damage her team.

On the plus side it made me take a look about for jobs and found an amazingly perfect role in my dream place to work. It is a bugger of a commute, but once dd starts school in September we could afford for me to drop to 3 days a week on the pay they are offering. I am going to apply and see what happens. Maybe it will work out for the best after all.

Good luck with job application Jeepers

And thanks for kind words.
It would have been better if he had been more sure of where he was, but that's the risk, isn't it, when I venture forth, outside of my bubble.
It doesn't feel very nice at the moment, but I know that will lessen and dissipate.

Hello nod

I joined the thread a few weeks ago in a somewhat analogous situation to you.

Welcome!

I used to think i was the only one, this thread has shown me that I am not.

This. It just helps to know I am not the only one who experiences these feelings, that these feelings have a name, and that other people feel similar to the way I do. It also helps me to understand the dissonance when I interact with anything that is not-me, that bit better.

Jeepers good luck with your job application. Let us know how you get on. Shit manager situations are soul-destroying.

Room that sucks. Yes, it is the risk you take when you venture forth outside of your bubble. Yes, the feelings do pass.

I like my bubble. I feel safe in here. It all looks a bit chaotic out there.

Thank you all for listening to my ranting.

Today I have that feeling where you know that there is a whole world of darkness hovering just out of sight, but you just try and ignore it and keep on moving. I just have to be though tomorrow at work and then I have Tuesday off. One day at a time.

I completed the job application last night. I then spent this morning in a panic doing sums and trying to work out whether we can afford the loss of income that we would have if I went part time and had to pay for travel to work. We would be poorer, but I think it would be worth it. I would only work 3 days a week, which would be rather nice, also working for this organisation would be a bit of a dream.

Impending doom I call that feeling Jeepers
Hope work is going smoothly for you today.

I was supposed to be up and out early, open surgery at docs, then picking up a few things for DCs.
And instead I'm sat here unwashed.
I started thinking about how my experience at the surgery would be neater if everyone took 10 (only and exactly 10) minute appointments.
If everyone walked at the same pace, took up exactly equal amounts of space etc etc.
Hugely self indulgent of me, my need for an appointment isn't urgent.
My entire existence doesn't call for urgency, thank the Gods.
So my day is turning out 'drifty'
I'm in a position of not having many responsibility's.
I'm waffling (as ever!!)
Outside will probably feel a bit overwhelming today.

I am sat on the sofa with my impending doom feeling - I am going through my checklist of potential things that could be causing this

1 do I have a deadline?
2 do I have an interview/important meeting
3 has someone I love died recently...

Etc etc etc

All come back as nope

So it's just general impending doom for fuck all reason

And I am having palpitations..... Bastards

Ah, impending doom for no good reason is the worst. I often get impending doom because nothing bad has happened recently, so obviously something terrible is bound to happen any moment

I was supposed to have a meeting with my manager today, but she didn't turn up. Emailed me to cancel 45 minutes after it was due to start. Got all ready for nothing.

Boy am I glad I've found this thread!
I've literally just posted about feeling not with it, odd and like I'm just going through the motions.
Having a relapse of my anxiety at the moment and remember feeling like this about a year or so ago.
Still difficult to convince myself it's the anxiety again... Horrible feeling!
Quite reassuring to see so many other people who know how it feels though

Hello nursed. Welcome to the thread. Sometimes it's hard to recognise anxiety I think. Like you are too deep in the trees you can't see the forest. I find journalling helps me a lot to explore how I am feeling and what the causes are, but I think everyone has to find their own way.

I have actually had a really nice day today and felt pretty great. I had the day off work because dd had an induction session at school (she starts September). I had planned on just relaxing for the morning, but then dd couldn't go into nursery in the morning as planned as she had a bit of runs yesterday and they won't let her back without a full day off. Anyway, I ended up building her a mud kitchen in the garden on a whim and it is awesome. She loves it and we all had a great time building it. I feel super productive and like a proper parent. My only wobble was this afternoon when I remembered I have to go into work again tomorrow and have this meeting with my manager (if she turns up this time). I will deal with it though, I am sure.

I'm having impending doom feelings too, and feeling stressed about fairly minor things I should do. I should book myself a couple of appointments. Nothing to worry about. But I keep putting them off and feeling guilty.

I'm in the dreaded two week wait with our fertility treatments now, feeling a little crampy and a lot hormonal and tired. Still detached from it all too, somehow. DH has had some days off, and we've been taking things easy, having coffee and cake outside and loitering round the house. He's been having wine and I've got some grape juice.

My counsellor was off last week and that coupled with some other things seemed to stir some of my "voices" - some small parts got very upset and easily weepy. I spent several days feeling very unsafe and out of sorts without really knowing why. That all seems to have calmed down now, luckily.

Doom here too. Work tomorrow. Today has been mostly ok but dc have been misbehaving so feeling worn out and stressed this evening.

Morning all
Hi nursed

Hope manager turned up Jeepers

All OKish here.
Have been decorating and slowly organising.
Trying very hard not to get overwhelmed with house stuff.
Can't do xyz until have drilled abc and replaced blah blah blah, must buy, don't forget, it's never gonna be finished!!! Etc etc etc
Trying to prioritise calmly but my thoughts are very unravell-y.
I'm going from drifty to PANIC to drifty again.
Very unproductive but I keep trying to tell myself it's OK

Glad things have gone calmer Bursars

Panicky day at work today. Very glad im home now. Thought I was going to pass out at one point. Everyone says you cant pass out because of anxiety but im sure I have twice before.

goood sorry you had a bad day. I hate when people tell me that to be honest.

Room trying to go slowly and take one thing at a time sounds sensible. The house is a constant source of anxiety for me, even though nothing's gone wrong with the whole time we've lived here. There's just always more that should be done!

Nursed hello, sorry I didn't notice you earlier!

I'm confused with the MH services again. Last time it was a letter from a psychiatrist I'd never met. Now I've got a letter telling me I've been put into a waiting list for CBT. I gave them a call and apparently my GP has referred me somewhere, they have "triaged" me on the basis of her referral and decided CBT it has to be. I don't really remember why this has happened. I think the last time I saw my GP I mentioned to her I'd be interested in trying EMDR, which my current therapist doesn't do. I don't really have the energy to think about any of it.

Not a great day today. I was looking forward to having a day at home all to myself today, and I've been going through the motions of all the things I meant to do: took a Lush bath, watched some catch up TV under a blanket, listened to an audio book a lot etc, but it's all been just going through the motions.

Sounds like a difficult day goood I'm glad you are home safe and sound now.

Sometimes I get the impression from people that CBT if often just given as a sort of default don't know what else to do answer bursars.

My manager turned up for our meeting today and we were cordial. I had prepared exactly what I wanted covered and written everything out, so I just went through the implications of the decision that had been made and what now needs to be done in order to ensure our projects are delivered. I switched into my automatic mode and just did it all very calm and reasonable. I'm trying really hard to not obsess over every detail of the conversation now as I know that won't help. Also trying not to attach too much to anything that might now happen because of it all. Nobody is going to die. Deep breathes, happy thoughts. Must now manage the impending doom.

On the plus side I had a meeting with the team I manage and they are all just so lovely and supportive. They are really shocked by how it has been handled and I am a little bit overwhelmed about how nice they all are to me. :)

Thank you.

Yes I believe that they give out cbt as a panacea for mental health issues, doesnt help me much if at all.

Got to do 4 days straight from fri, 3 on my own so that'll be interesting! It's a good job when my brain isnt clouded up and my legs work

CBT does seem to be a cure all.
Managing me, my head, my sobriety can be a 24hr job some days.
A CBT session wouldn't touch the sides

I pointlessly got into an argument online earlier.
I bit when I should have kept my mouth shut.
A lame way to leak out my anger / frustration.
It was regarding casual racism and how it's becoming normalised (in my eyes)
I've just got in and checked, and there's more post's directed at me full of casual racism.
The irony is lost on the people I was arguing with
What's that saying..... Never wrestle with a pig. The pig likes it and you just end up muddy.

I'm restless and irritable.
The guy I was seeing rang me earlier.
He had text me beforehand but I ignored it.
Gist of the call was he wanted me to make him feel better about breaking up with me.
God save me from cowardly men.
I then had to see him tonight and he followed me about and told me how nice I looked and referenced private jokes.
I'm quite, not upset exactly.... But it has affected me.
I find it fucking rude he couldn't handle his own awkwardness and wanted to hand it to me.

Goood Passing out through anxiety, it has happened to me. Luckily I've been at home or at a close friends house when it's happened, so safe, as such.
My anxiety is very physical.
I've vomited in all the leading supermarkets and freaked out loads of strangers by shaking and being all twitchy.

I already have a counsellor who I can do CBT with if I wanted to, so it's a bit weird. I have a vague recollection of my GP asking me to go along with whatever the services offer though, so I'm in the system, so maybe the CBT is the first hoop you need to jump through, so I won't cancel it, I guess. It feels somehow pointless and exhausting to think of explaining my issues to a new person for something short term, though.

Room ugh ugh ugh about both the man and the online arguments! I've just had to stop browsing my FB feed, because a "friend" has gone on a Share Rampage on Britain First site. Did have a real "why am I friend even on social media with this person" moment...

Goood I too have passed out from a panic attack, back when I got them pretty bad. I had several ambulances called back in my student days because of it. In the middle of that time I forced myself into a class on public speaking, and in the very first class the teacher joked about how no one's ever actually passed out from feeling anxious. We then had to give impromptu speaches. I'm a little bit proud I gave mine on panic attacks and how you can in fact pass out.

I need serious hand holding and a good talking to!

I have just finished my degree (6yrs with OU) and the results are out for the final module

Except mine..... Mine are 'pending'

I am now hyperventilating and unable to wind down.... Gulping air and feeling sick

Fuck it fuck it

Oh inaclearing that does sound panic inducing. I'm not sure I can say anything to calm you down, but the rule is that there isn't a problem until there is actually a problem. At the moment you just need to wait a bit longer due to a system or process fuck up. This could be caused by anything (I work in IT and web and this sort of stuff breaks all the time). Can you call someone? Also are you sure everyone else has come through? It may be that other people are having a similar issue and you just don't know.

Deep breaths. Calm thoughts. Pick up the phone tonight or tomorrow morning if it isn't sorted.

inaclearing oh no, that's frustrating and no wonder you're feeling like that. I agree with Jeepers that if it's still like that tomorrow, give them a call.

No talking to from me, but a virtual hand to hold, and fingers crossed you won't need to wait long, and it'll turn out nothing to worry about.

inaclearing hand hold here too