Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Thanks every body

Not allowed to call them apparently

But DH has done some digging and it will probably mean I am really close to a higher level threshold so it might be put to moderation.

This still doesn't help with how I feel - I am gulping air and I have chest pain now. Refused to cook tea as I am so bloody anxious so DH has sent out for pizza - he is a diamond.

I wish the fucking OU wouldn't release results until they have them all !!!! Aaarrrgghhhh

My DH works in a university (course admin so knows about this sort of thing) and agrees that if it is on a grade boundary this might delay the final mark. Particularly if the first and second markers disagree so needs to go to a third. He says that most lecturers don't mark near boundaries if they can help it for exactly this reason.

umm.. I realise that doesn't help you at all. Sorry

Thanks - hoping its at the top of a boundary!!!!

inaclearingstandsaboxer

I hope you get your grade soon.

In the mean time, and I do realise that this is not what you were asking, hats off to you for finishing your degree. Any degree, and in particular one with the OU, is no mean feat. I am full of admiration for anyone who completes their degree with the OU. I had enough trouble with mine and I did it full-time, on campus, and with no distractions.

I did an away day with work yesterday. I hate those things and usually just do not go, but I decided to go this time and I did manage it. Not my cup of tea but I made it through. It is the small victories...

Hello everyone.
I'm up at silly o'clock due to zonking early evening.
Unsettled couple of days.
DD father (very low contact) spent Friday evening / night ringing, then texting, drunken abuse and nonsense to me.
He went from anger and threats to declaring his undying love to anger again.
Completely pathetic and I didn't engage, but it made me furious, an emotion I very rarely deal with TBH.
My week seems to have been filled with men I'm not responsible for, demanding I take on board their emotional issues and short comings.
I was so angry yesterday, plus I was running around non stop sorting/collecting furniture, buying washing machine etc so my day was very full of extras, on top of usual day to day cooking, kids etc.
So people trying to load more on because they can't handle their 'stuff' pissed me off massively.
I understand they need help but I never offered and I certainly don't have that kind of relationship with them.
It took so much energy from me, I was supposed to be helping a friend clear out her bulging wardrobes. Instead I cried on her settee for half hour.
Got home to DC, ordered takeaway and crashed out.

Today will be better

Did I kill the thread

Any news inaclearing?

Sorry about the men Room.

I'm in a pretty low place right now, so can't really think of anything to say.

Sorry, it has been a bit quiet! I went camping at the weekend as we decided we needed to get out the house while the sun was sort of shining. It was just what we all needed.

I have been thinking about what to do with my life. The situation at work has given me a kick and made me realise I should really think about it while I have options. I am considering retraining for a complete career chance but it is a really scary prospect and would mean a big drop in income. The problem is I come back to that thing of doubting my head and worrying whether I am making a reasoned decision or just reacting to a difficult situation by wanting to change everything. Gah! I just wish someone would tell me what I should do sometimes. My head hurts.

Sorry to hear your having a tough time Bursars

Jeepers Someone else being in charge of decision making would be lovely.
Reading your post makes you seem very grown up (not that you asked, sorry!)
It sounds like pretty serious decisions to make.
I'm one of Life's bumble along-ers, no plans, see how it kinda pans out.
I tell the DC it's all a very low-key adventure.

No news...

I've always been a bumble alonger too room. I ended up in my current career completely by accident. I think that's why I am finding it so hard now I really have to make some sort of decision, even if it is doing nothing.

Gah! How frustrating clearing!

Sitting tight and doing nothing is a decision too.
Most of my decisions aren't based on logic
It's good I use my gut (spent so very long living quite a dangerous, chaotic life) these days.
Huge, sweeping, life changing decisions I can make instantly, I try and rein myself in a bit due to being a parent and having responsibilities.

Have appointment with mental health guy today.
I want to push for a diagnosis but not really getting anywhere.

Jeepers I'd love someone else to make my decisions, too. Definitely a bumble alonger, too.

Is there really no way you can contact them to ask about it inaclearing? It doesn't seem right for there not to be.

Good luck with the appointment, Room. I hope it goes well.

I've had a bit of a crash in my mood this week. Even my autopilot is only working for short bursts at a time, and then I'm just overcome by depression. Quite horrible self-destructive thoughts and self hatred in my head. I actually got so scared I thought I'd call a local helpline (a number I'm always being given by HCPs round here), but the woman on the phone clearly had no clue what I was trying to say. I got frustrated and started crying, and she said that as I was crying instead of talking, she had to hang up on me. So that was really helpful... But I think having had a cry and feeling pissed off have actually made me feel marginally less pathetic and scared, so that's something. Ready to autopilot through some more stuff.

My anxiety reached the dizzy heights yesterday when I delivered my friends baby - she laboured quickly and what started off as me rubbing her back waiting for the ambulance turned into me delivering baby before anyone arrived!

But I was as calm as a cucumber whilst it all happened

Anxiety last night and today are at maximum eleven on the dial.

Still don't know about my degree results ...

Wow inaclearing! What a scary thing to happen. I hope mum and baby were both okay. But no wonder if that set your anxiety and adrenaline and stress levels soaring. Look after yourself today.

Was a bit scary - both are doing grand btw.

I was a qualified nurse for twenty years and did a bit of midwifery training nearly thirty years ago so I had an idea what to do.

I now feel as if I am not really here. I have a terrible headache and I need to sleep. Can't sleep as I am in charge of two little ones today. They are having a sleep and I am drinking more sweet tea!

Christ inaclearing !!!
How fucking amazing are you!!!

Hopefully you can crash soon.

Helpline sounds shite Bursars
But glad being angry helped.

Appointment was OK, just me waffling and a date for next time.
It does help but feels a bit circular ITMS.

Have done some DIY so a productive day for me.
Started digging the garden but it was too hard so I gave up.
Digging was my favourite thing about two stone ago.

Wow! What a good friend to have around!

I have taken to my bed - I want to but I cannot cry

Gosh, clearing you are getting all the crazy right now. I hope your friend and you and the baby are all ok. My brother had to deliver his second child on their bathroom floor, it just came out so quickly.

Sorry you are feeling rubbish bursars. The person you called sounded amazingly pointless. Putting the phone down because you are crying on a helpline is bloody ridiculous! Still, as you say at least being angry is different to being depressed.

I've felt crap this afternoon. Just really tired and unable to think about anything. I have treacle brain and can't be bothered to do a single thing. I just want to curl up and hide until it all makes sense again.

Sorry you're all having a tough day.
It's crap, isn't it.

My anxiety has been building all evening.
I went to an AA meeting tonight, was good to see friends but left as rattled as I arrived, very unusual for me.
Guy I was seeing was there, trying to make small talk, asking me what I'd been up to.
It really pissed me off, disproportionately maybe.
I wanted to say.... You chose to not be in my life so it's none of your business what I've been up to. Or something.
He keeps being over friendly and over familiar.
I can't even articulate why it's making me so cross.
It's nothing to do with him backing off from a relationship. That's grand, I can cope with rejection, I'm fairly sturdy.
It's this matey bollocks.
I find it bizarre but didn't pull him on it as other people were there. It wasn't appropriate and I wouldn't make the people present feel uncomfortable.
I feel neutered sometimes, cornered into 'taking' bad behaviour from others.
Like I say, I can't articulate it well.
It's definitely something to do with being a woman.

I know this anger will lessen.... This too shall fucking pass.
I'm very prickly and defensive. And vulnerable, I guess.
I'm either switched off and have an absence of emotion or I have these intense, too vivid, exhausting emotions.
I'm breathless with frustration, at the expense of everything bloody else.

Sorry.... Self indulgent rant over.

I think it's the incongruence of it room. When someone is acting towards you in a way that you now know does not reflect the way they actually feel. I feel like that with my manager at the moment. She seems to think we can continue to have the same relationship that we had before, but I can't be friendly with someone I can no longer trust. I can be professional, but I have no desire to share a joke with her.

I always find this sort of thing really hard to deal with as well.

You've hit the nail Jeepers , absolutely.

I find it so bloody exasperating!!
I've just thought of sitting at the table as a kid, with the family member who was (knowingly) abusing myself and my siblings getting treated like visiting royalty, the best cut of meat, seconds, etc..... And I remember thinking "this is fucking crazy"
But not being able to say anything.

That sounds horrible, I hope I haven't upset anyone.
It's that pretending nothing has happened or changed, drives me up the pole.

I'm cross I didn't challenge him last night.
The fathers of my children can't be challenged. An exercise in futility.

Yes. It belittles your pain as well by refusing to acknowledge that what they have done is hurtful and does change things. It leaves you feeling like the unreasonable one even though you haven't done anything wrong! Gah!

My head is floating away today. I feel like I'm drugged or something. Our IVF seems to have failed (official test this weekend, but early sensitive tests are negative, and Ive started bleeding). And I heard today that a lovely lady i knew through a hobby for some years passed away a few days ago without any warning.

I don't seem to have any emotions about either of these things today. Just a floaty head, feeling unreal and getting a bit confused in my own head. I've just been keeping busy sorting out DH's medications and chatting with a friend who's ill and depressed. I don't know if I'm coming or going.