Think I'm going into hospital tomorrow - please help me through tonight.

[MummySparkle]

Just that really.

I've been up and down and fighting fire for a long time. My 'coping' behaviours have now become very dangerous

I saw a psych doctor who offered me an admission if I felt I could no longer keep myself safe.

My head is full of destructive thoughts. DP has locked the back door so I can't get out. He doesn't know I have a key to the front door hidden. I don't want to die, but I can't help with these thoughts in my head much longer.

Crisis team are coming in the morning. All I have to do is hold on until then. 12hrs, I have no idea how I can do that.

Please keep me company

Hi. I'm not sure if I'll be of my help but I didn't want to read and run. Do you think you should ask DH to stay and talk to you til you fall asleep?

Hi mummy well done for seeking the help you need, you can get through tonight and crisis team will help you so so much. You can do this xxxxxx

Are you in bed?

Stay in. Have a drink of milk. You've done well so far, you've asked for help and arranged for people to come. Would playing a very simple computer game help? Time would pass while you were focused on something else.

I've just been playing candy crush - run out of lives now stupid addictive money grabbing game that passed a little while

DP sounds like he has fallen asleep. Yes I'm in bed. The DCs are asleep too.

I tried to call the crisis team just before Ben, but they were engaged. I need a wee, but if I go into the bathroom I'm worried about what I might do

*bed

Sparkle Try "Free Rice" it's a simple quiz that earns rice grains for the UN, it's free to play.

Can you call them again?

Call them again OP and speak to them while you're having a wee. Wake your DP.

I can't wee and be on the phone

I don't want to wake DP, he will need energy tomorrow, I have a feeling it will be a shitty day.

I'm going to go for a wee and then go downstairs to call crisis again.

Will def try free rice if it will work on my phone - I remember playing that years ago

I can and frequently do :)

Your DP would manage if you woke him. He would want to support you.

I may also try the free rice game :) definitely call them it's the right thing xx

I've been for a wee - yay I should be praising my toddler for going for a wee safely, not myself

I can talk to DP on the loo, but not anyone else. Our bathroom is very echoey, it would be far too obvious!

I've spoken to the crisis team, all they said was give it a bit longer for the medication to kick in. I lied and said I'd taken it. I haven't in case I feel the urge to run and I need to drive. It's illegal to take lorazepam and drive.

I'm now in my dressing gown sitting on the sofa. I know I should go back to bed, but I'm shaking too much to lie down

Mummysparkle, I'm sorry things aren't so good. I remember you because you answered my first post in MH! Well done for asking for help. You will get through this.

If you haven't been yet, maybe try to visualise your bathroom trip before you go... So you go in, pull down knickers or whatever, sit on loo, wee, wipe, pull up knickers, flush, turn on tap, wash hands, turn off tap, dry hands, then you're done so come straight out. Skip the hand washing if it's too hard. Then keep breathing steadily and follow the plan, don't allow yourself to be distracted. Sorry if it sounds silly, but breaking things into really small steps has worked for me when things are bad.

Patience type card games are good for distraction... I like spider solitaire and pyramid (which is pretty mindless).

Good luck.

Hi, I can't offer much in the way of advice but couldn't read and run :)

2048 is a great game for keeping the mind busy (slightly addictive though - you'll want to beat your score every time!). There's loads of versions - computer and app - and even an MN version somewhere if I remember rightly.

Well done for calling the crisis team. Please don't run and drive - you can get through tonight, break it up into chunks if you need to. In the morning, the crisis team will come. You can totally get through tonight.

Please try to take your meds - they will help you get through this and maybe even sleep a little.

My mind is in such confusion.

Part of me wants to take my meds and go to sleep. A lot of me wants to just sit on the sofa and force myself to stay awake all night. Then part of me wants to take all of the medication that I have, and part of me has realised that I am so covered in dressings DP won't actually know if I harm again

Mummy can you use mountaindwellers approach for taking the meds in a step by step way. Its what's best for you right now x

Okay. I need to breathe
Stand up
Turn off lamp
Walk up stairs
Open top drawer
Find tablets
Tak one out of the blister pack
Take it
Close the drawer
Take dressing gown of
Lie down

That doesn't sound too hard

Hi mummy

You have got through the first hour and that's a big step. Just take it an hour at a time. I don't sleep well when dp isn't here so am up til late of you want to chat.

I forgot to look at the clock - I think they are coming about 11ish actually, so only 10 more hours to endure before they take me somewhere safe from myself.

I've taken my lorazepam. Still sitting on the edge of the bed in my dressing gown. I feel tired, but I'm not quite ready to lie down yet

Well done mummy! Im very pleased youve taken your meds. Do you have a game on your phone? Could be good to lie down and play that under the covers :) or continue to chat to us we will hopefully be sleep inducing

are you trying to say you're boring bea?

I'm back in bed. I tried closing my eyes, but every time I do I see somebody squat over me and take dump. Where the eff dad that come from??

I'm going to roll onto my side and see if that helps

I have just registered so I could talk to you. I too have had some bad times when life was so scary. I am glad you have taken your meds and hope you feel the benefit soon. I don't know how you feel about the Samaritans if you need help to get you through till morning?

Oh not at all mummy how could you come to that conclusion ;)

Oh dear the mind is truly bizarre, does anyone know why it conjures up the things it does!

My dog has just woken my daughter by slyly going into her bedroom (she never ever does this), then when im settling her, sneaked up stairs and onto my bed. Total ambush!

Just seen this - although I am off to bed in a minute. Sorry I've not posted recently on yr other thread - on which Nananina writes words of wisdom, to which I have little to add.

Sounds like you are experiencing hypnogogic imagery - this is a perfectly normal, though disconcerting, phenomenon.

Wishing you well for tomorrow

That's really good that you've taken your meds - hopefully you will start to feel calmer and even a little sleepy soon.