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Original poster

Think I'm going into hospital tomorrow - please help me through tonight.

142 replies

MummySparkle · 05/10/2015 23:42

Just that really.

I've been up and down and fighting fire for a long time. My 'coping' behaviours have now become very dangerous

I saw a psych doctor who offered me an admission if I felt I could no longer keep myself safe.

My head is full of destructive thoughts. DP has locked the back door so I can't get out. He doesn't know I have a key to the front door hidden. I don't want to die, but I can't help with these thoughts in my head much longer.

Crisis team are coming in the morning. All I have to do is hold on until then. 12hrs, I have no idea how I can do that.

Please keep me company

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 09/10/2015 01:50

Ahh, bum, post didn't work

Hi nina

They let me out for a cigarette by myself and I went to tesco. Nobody checked my pockets on the way in. I smiled politely as I handed in the borrowed lighter and asked to be let into my room. I still don't have a key card for the women's corridor or my bedroom because the patient before took it home with them and they haven't had any new ones made yet Hmm

Any ways I've been escorted back to the ward and handed in all of the rest of the blades.

They can't give me my evening meds because it's past medication time so they'd need to get a doctor to come and write them up. The whole point of my stay was to become stable on new meds and keep me safe from myself. Not going well so far. I was still on the ward at medication time, but they wouldn't give them to me before I left for some reason Confused

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dontrunwithscissors · 09/10/2015 02:21

Hi MS, my psych ward is rubbish at getting meds right, too. During my last stay, the doctor wrote up every medication with the wrong dosage and they tried to give me 2 doses of paracetamol. Good job I was with it enough to correct them. How are you doing?

Original poster
MummySparkle · 09/10/2015 02:34

I've managed to get some zopiclone out of them, so hopefully I'll fall asleep soon. I'm knackered, but agitated too :(

Im here for a sodding medication change, I wish they could get it right. It just means I'll be here longer. I know I was off the ward, but I went off the ward at 10pm, medication starts at 9!!

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dontrunwithscissors · 09/10/2015 02:49

Hope the zzzzzzzop works. (I'm in the USAvisitinghence, I'm still up.) Have you got diazepam (or similar) on PRN to help you settle?

Mummylin · 09/10/2015 09:08

sparkle I have left you a message on the other thread! it seems we kept missing each other.

pinktransit · 09/10/2015 10:23

Morning sparkle
Hope the zopiclone worked and you got some sleep.
Full day on the ward should mean you get meds sorted, and on the way to being back on your feet.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 09/10/2015 13:00

Saw the doctor. Meds finally sorted out. He wanted to give me weekend leave, but I really don't feel safe enough. I've got day leave with my family all Sunday.

He's already talking about discharge. I just really want to feel stable on my meds first so that I can feel safe when I go home. I don't feel safe yet.

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pinktransit · 09/10/2015 13:20

That does sound very fast, but give the meds 48 hours - you may feel more stable then. If you're not feeling safe then, then say it to the doctor.

Thinking of you :)

beavington · 09/10/2015 23:19

Hi mummysparkle definitely speak up if youre not ready to be discharged, it does seem very soon.

How lovely are you for thinking about reviewing the nurse at such a time. I hope youre having a better night Flowers

CloakAndJagger · 10/10/2015 10:24

There's such a chronic bed shortage everywhere at the mo that they'll get folks out as soon as look at them. You can say you're not ready though and they should take that into consideration. You need a chance to properly stabilise with support.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 10/10/2015 11:02

I know about the bed shortage, they've recently closed a ward in our area and moved the beds to the other hospitals. Where I am is a brand new ward that's only been open about 6 months, so that's quite nice.

I struggled a lot last night. I really don't know what to do with all of the emotions that I feel without harming. The nurses are on my side, and I spoke to my CPN yesterday. I have a review on Monday, but CPN isn't able to be there. Hopefully she will be able to be there on a conference call. I've told her I don't feel ready to leave yet.

And I'm not just saying it because it's 'easier' to be in hospital, I genuinely do not feel safe or stable, or really any different to when I came in. New meds will take a while before they are effective anyway, so they'd just be sending me back out to do exactly what I was doing before and then to wind up back here.

I want to stay here just long enough to be sure that when I go home things will continue to improve rather than get worse again.

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pinktransit · 10/10/2015 14:21

Keep telling them that you don't feel safe - that you know what you need, and it's not to be at home yet.
Still thinking of you.

It's good that you have the nurses on your side, and that you're in the best place for you. Keep going, tell the nurses when you're struggling, and remember that you can always get through the next minute - and then the one after that. Oh, that that Mumsnet is on your side too :)

Original poster
MummySparkle · 12/10/2015 10:48

Thanks pink

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while, there's not much signal on the ward. I had a nice day out with my family yesterday. It was nice to do 'normal' things with the DCs. We went to a castle which has an epic play area and just had fun. It really tired me out though and I slept all afternoon.

I have a review with the doctor today. I know he will want to give me more leave. I'm not ready. And DP is busy until Wednesday anyway, but maybe I will feel better by Wednesday.

I want to harm today. For no real reason other than that I haven't since Thursday. Which isn't really a reason. I don't know why I want to do it. I know I should tell the staff, but I don't want to because they will stop me. My goal was to make it through last night, and I've done that.

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Monkeybabiess111 · 12/10/2015 11:25

Mummy I've been reading along, I've not spoken as I'm currently going threw a "breakdown".
I have the same diagnosis as you I self harm a lot, I asked on here last week and got some good suggestions.
I wear a hair band really tight around wrist so it causes indents I keep it in my pocket when I don't need it and put it on it hurts and stings but can help a bit.
I've also been distracting myself the last few days when I've had the urge by colouring, I so get that it's not easy to turn off but is there something on the ward that you can do it go to when you feel the urge and go do it when you feel it everytime, it's a short term fix but I've been concentrating on colouring until the urge passes.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 12/10/2015 15:58

I've been colouring, I've been knitting. Ultimatley nothing could distract me enough today. Sad

So I'm sitting in a&e again. DP is furious. I just want to curl up and sleep, but I've got to sit here for hours waiting to be seen. I want to go back to the ward but they won't let me. I'm fucking everyone's lives up

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NanaNina · 13/10/2015 01:11

Oh sparkle they are just not keeping you safe in that hospital. How are you managing to SH - they knew that you went and bought blades last time you went out for a ciggie and so they should go with you. What's the point of being in hospital if they're not going to keep you safe.

Monkey colouring is a really good distraction. I suffer from depression which can be severe at times and colouring is the only thing that will distract me when I am feeling rock bottom.

So sorry that you young women are plagued by mental illness. I am too, but I'm 71 and a grandmother, so don't have childcare responsibilities. It's just so unfair for you young mothers.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 14/10/2015 08:51

Same as last time Blush

DP called them to tell them off about letting it happen a second time. If it happens again then they are going to section me and get me transferred. So I have to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I spent all of yesterday crying, which was horrible, but also a bit of a relief. I haven't cried properly for weeks becaus dive been so numb, so I think that this might be the medication starting to work. I can feel things again.

Today is day 2 without harming, I feel a bit brighter today. I'm goping the doctor might let me go home over the weekend and see how it goes. It hit home yesterday how much I miss my family.

I'm going to have a shower now, it's long overdue, but the showers here are pants! Hopefully feeling clean will help a bit :)

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Wryip11 · 15/10/2015 14:48

Sparkle sectioning will at least mean they have a better chance of keeping you safe and may be for the best in the long term.
Know what you mean about SH because you haven't for a while - it kind of becomes a comforting habit ...
Hope you are OK and managing to get thro the hours.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 15/10/2015 23:02

I have a discharge meeting in the morning. Tues and weds were good days, today feels pants again. Not sure I'm ready yet, much as I hate this place. I desperately don't want to go home and fall back into the same routine I was in before.

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Original poster
MummySparkle · 17/10/2015 17:21

I'm at home. It's actually been good to be back here. Although the children are noisy is quiet in the evenings and I can do what I want when I want. Think I might have a cup of tea from a ceramic mug just because I can! One of my wounds opened up today when playing with the kids which is a bit of a hiccup, but I've re-steri-stripped it so hopefully it will hold. I'm doing better than I though I would be. Wednesday is going to be the hardest for me I think. I might see if a friend is about for a coffee to keep me busy.

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NanaNina · 17/10/2015 19:04

Are you on home leave Sparkle - not discharged? Yes it's nice to be away from the routine of the ward isn't it and the kids must be pleased to see you. Whose been looking after them, assume DP and MIL. What's happening on Wednesday?

Take care and try to relax while you're at home.

Mummylin · 17/10/2015 19:50

Sorry you are going through a tough time Sparkle but hopefully you will soon be feeling much happier. Do you have to go back into hospital after the weekend or are you now home for good ?
nananina I am sorry that you too suffer, and just to say that just because you are older dosent mean it's not as tough for you ! Flowers wishing you lots of good times. ( I too am older with GC )

Original poster
MummySparkle · 17/10/2015 19:58

Thank you lin and nina

I am on home leave for the weekend with a view to being discharged on Monday. So basically I'm discharged unless something goes horribly wrong tomorrow.

I have felt okay today, but I'm completely shattered now. It was my step-dad's birthday so we all went out for pizza, which was nice, but hard work.

Wednesday afternoon both DCs will be at nursery and I'm home alone (a time I have used to harm in the past) I've arranged to meet a friend for a cup of tea, so that should keep me safe. I just need to keep myself safe really. But that's not always as easy as it should be

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Mummylin · 17/10/2015 20:06

I'm sure it must be very hard for you sparkle. I don't suffer myself but my sister is bi- polar so do have an idea. I hope things start to look up for you very soon. It will be good to be with a friend , not just to distract you but also it will be nice to just meet up. Stay safe Sparkle, you know where to find me.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 17/10/2015 20:33

Thank you lovely. I'm so shattered. We plan to veg in front of the to and eat more junk food this evening. DCs are asleep, so probably an early night for us too.

I have to go out early to feed some cats. I was going to go by myself, but if I'm feeling wobbly then I think we'll all go. I got DP to come with me tonight just so I wasn't on my own. I think I'm scared of being on my own most of all, as I don't trust myself. Crisis team came earlier and were nice, they are coming again tomorrow, and il be discharged to them. My CPN is on jury leave for two weeks (bad timing!) so I might be discharged from crisis to the community team before she's back which is a bit of a worry.

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