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Original poster

Think I'm going into hospital tomorrow - please help me through tonight.

142 replies

MummySparkle · 05/10/2015 23:42

Just that really.

I've been up and down and fighting fire for a long time. My 'coping' behaviours have now become very dangerous

I saw a psych doctor who offered me an admission if I felt I could no longer keep myself safe.

My head is full of destructive thoughts. DP has locked the back door so I can't get out. He doesn't know I have a key to the front door hidden. I don't want to die, but I can't help with these thoughts in my head much longer.

Crisis team are coming in the morning. All I have to do is hold on until then. 12hrs, I have no idea how I can do that.

Please keep me company

OP posts:
Original poster
MummySparkle · 17/10/2015 20:33

*TV

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Mummylin · 17/10/2015 21:17

I can only imagine how frightening it must be for you and everyone who goes through this terrible anguish. I hope that someone can keep you company when you need to not be alone. Personally I think that MH is much misunderstood and how awful it can be. I have had to sit through some terrible films at the cinema when my sister was in a low time, but the manic stage can be just as bad. But for now she is pretty stable, remarried and has 4 yr old twins ! So you see people can recover. But of course the risk of it coming back for her is always there.
Is there a good friend who you can call when you feel so bad ?

Original poster
MummySparkle · 18/10/2015 12:33

Had a bad night last night. DS woke up lots and I had to sit with him for quite a bit.

I just want to harm, can't get the thoughts out of my head. I'm tired and sad

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Mummylin · 18/10/2015 13:07

So sorry to read this sparkle. Can you get out of the house and go for a walk to put your mind of SH ? Or can you call any of your medical people if you feel that bad. Please don't hurt yourself. I don't have any experience so can't really give you any advice.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 18/10/2015 16:40

We've been busy, cafe for lunch then to the play park with the DCs. If I'm busy I'm okay, as soon as I stop its like w cloud of negativity takes over my brain. Everything seems extra loud and I'm struggling with that.

Crisis team are coming around between 5:30 and 8pm this evening, so I will talk to them then. Everything in me is screaming to take the car, drive on my own and harm. I can't, but the desire to is all-consuming

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Mummylin · 18/10/2015 19:30

Maybe the crisis team have been out by the time you read this post. I am glad you did go out for a while. Hopefully crisis team will be able to help or suggest something to you. Don't worry about tomorrow, just get through each day, hour by hour. Flowers

Original poster
MummySparkle · 19/10/2015 18:32

I got through yesterday Grin

Today is day 7 without harming, which is an achievement. Tomorrow will be day 8. Thankfully things calmed down a bit by the evening and DP and I watched some TV.

I think DS has finally understood that sitting with him each night waiting for him to sleep is hard for us and he's going to sleep by himself. In the end we explained it to him and he said okay - he's a smart cookie Grin

All in all I'm feeling a bit brighter today, fingers crossed I have more days like this

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Mummylin · 19/10/2015 18:54

Very happy to read your update Sparkle. I am so glad You have had a good day and I hope you have another one tomorrow. Just take each day as it comes and get through that. Wonderful news that you haven't felt the need to SH. Good for DS being a good boy and going to sleep on his own !

Mummylin · 20/10/2015 15:11

I hope your having another good day Sparkle and the days are looking brighter for you.

Wryip11 · 20/10/2015 15:26

Chin up Sparkle, you are doing really well. Make progress minute by hour by day ....
I spent over 2 hours yesterday evening just walking because I had similar urges - at the end I was so shattered I went to sleep, so it does work!

Original poster
MummySparkle · 21/10/2015 17:58

Things have been okay, but are still hard.

The urges are getting less frequent and less intense, which is good. But my lamotrigine has been increased and I think that is making me more tired. I just feel physically exhausted. Coupled with that I know I'm not eating properly, but my appetite has completely gone. After a few mouthfuls I start to feel stuffed and that I'm forcing myself to eat, which is a feeling I hate. Think I might go to bed at the same time as the kids today I'm that tired. The reason I stopped taking my last meds was because of the crippling tiredness they caused, I really hope that once my body is used to these new ones then the tiredness will pass. I'll stick it out for now.

Social services are sticking their noses in at the moment which is stressful. I had to be referred to them because I'm under the crisis team, but the report they got was completely untrue. Apparently I carry a knife on my person at all times and have self harmed in front of the children Sad completely untrue which is horrible, so we are being investigated for that, and trying to get to the bottom of why on earth the crisis team have sent them that reportSad

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Mummylin · 21/10/2015 20:57

Hi Sparkle. Sorry that you have worries about things being said wrongly. The truth can be distorted so easily can't it. I hope you are now asleep as you are so tired. Well done on getting through another day,

Original poster
MummySparkle · 21/10/2015 23:24

Thanks Lin Flowers today is day 9, tomorrow will be day 10 - it feels like quite a big achievement.

Not asleep yet, although I've been vegging in front of the TV with some crochet for a bit.

I've got to pop into work tomorrow to drop my sick note in to them, I'm hopefully going to pop down and see my colleagues for a bit too, which will be nice. I can't stay long as I've got to pick DH up and we're going to go shopping. I'm hoping that the shopping centre will be relatively quiet. It will be nice to do something just me and DH though for a bit. Something that feels quite 'normal' anyway

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Mummylin · 21/10/2015 23:53

It's a really big achievement Sparkle, well done you. Have a good time chatting with your work friends tomorrow. I am sure it will give you a little boost

Wryip11 · 22/10/2015 12:17

Hope you are now on Day 10 Smile
Social services can be a real pain - in my experience they read stuff that is not there, hear stuff that is not said and then make the most bizarre decisions. Try and take their involvement with masses of salt - if your dh is supportive he can speak to them and let them know that, and that he is looking after the dcs and you NEVER SH in front of them (as if we would!!). I now refuse to have much to do with the whole process as it stresses me out too much ...
Really good news that you are able to pop into work and then go shopping, sounds like you are doing marvellously Cake

Original poster
MummySparkle · 22/10/2015 19:08

It was lovely to pop into work, I couldn't stay long but I said a quick hello to my department. I was in the process of moving my workstation and the site team have put some shelves up for me now which is cool. They said I was looking much better than before which was nice, I do feel a lot better too.

Shopping was fun, but tiring. I've got a couple of new tops and DP has ordered a new sound at for the TV Hmm Crisis team are coming around in a bit.

I've made it to day 10 Grin I think DP is going to drop the DCs off to MIL's tomorrow so I'll have the morning to myself. Probably watch something pants on TV and take the dog for a walk, maybe even a run if I feel up to it.

The crisis team are handing me back over to the CMHT on Wednesday, so that's progress too. My CPN is still off next week, so it will be someone from duty who will be in the appt which is a shame. I'm going to see if they have my CPN's diary and if I can make an appointment for the week she is back. I was doing a mindfulness group, but because I missed two when I was in hospital then I can't go back to this one, but I think I will be offered a place on the next one. I'm not sure if I'm going to be offered any therapy between now and then (January) there is a steps group for personality disorders that i am suitable for, I'm not sure when that runs or whether I am able to start that soon or wait until the new year. I guess I'll find out on Wednesday

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Mummylin · 22/10/2015 19:31

Oh Sparkle, everything is sounding so much more positive for you. I am so glad. Lovely also that you are actually feeling better. Onwards and upwards to day 11 !!

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/10/2015 07:08

I fucked up.

Crisis team said they were coming between 6pm & 8pm. We got a knock on the door last night at 10:45. It made us both jump. DP's anxiety has been bad and he was a bit short with the people that came around (not their fault, they had no idea). Anyway I told them that he suffers with anxiety and he went ape shit. I'm not allowed to talk about him or the children, only me. And was basically coaching me on what to say to these people until about 1am

DS has been awake since 5am. It was still dark and he asked for milk, so I tried to get him back to sleep - no joy. I can't function on this little sleep, DP won't be able to either because his anxiety is really bad at the moment.

And to top it all off my period was tailing off, then yesterday evening it suddenly got really heavy again. I just want to curl up for a few days.

MIL is working today so she can't have the DCs (she usually does on a Friday). I can barely function already

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Mummylin · 23/10/2015 09:45

Ok Sparkle you had a slip up. But today is another day. What an awful time for people to come to your home.
I think most of us know the frustration of trying to get a child to sleep in the middle of the night. It can be tough when you aren't feeling so good yourself.
Hopefully your DP will have calmed down this morning.
Put last night behind you if you can and try and get through today. Tomorrow can take care of itself for now. See if you can get a nap for yourself today to catch up on your sleep.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 23/10/2015 12:22

I had a 10 minute nap before DP had to leave for work, so I'm not feeling great.

I need someone to talk to today, but I'm not allowed to talk to the crisis team. I hate feeling like I can't actually say what's going on in my head for fear of things with social services getting escalated. And social services know that DP have anxiety and is on medication for it because we told them last time, so I really don't know what his problem was last night. I guess I just feel a bit isolated today.

DS has been a complete pain, he bit me earlier Sad on my arm. It was through my sleeve but actually on top of one of my healing scars, so it hurt a lot. I think I'm going to take the DCs to the play park in a bit and I hope they fall asleep in the car so I can have 5 minutes peace. DP won't be home til 3.

I've managed to make it to day 11, but the thoughts are getting more intense again. My head is planning times when the DCs won't be around so that I can harm Sad

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Mummylin · 23/10/2015 16:02

Hope you have managed to cope so far today Sparkle. Well done on reaching day 11. That is a great result so far. Did you manage to get to the park ?

Mummylin · 25/10/2015 21:05

How have you been over the weekend Sparkle ? I hope it has been manageable for you.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 26/10/2015 01:18

Weekend has been good. DS went to MILs on Friday evening and they brought him back Sunday. I've missed him, but it's been nice to have some rest. I met up with them on Saturday to go to the soft play and they had DD there too and I sloped off to a cafe for a quiet lunch by myself.

I'm feeling a bit more positive. It's very very little steps but I do feel like I'm getting somewhere. I've still got a very long road ahead of me though.

Crisis team came Sunday afternoon. They didn't mention anything about DP's anxiety so I think we're okay on that front. I've said that I'll be fine now until Wednesday when they will hand me back to the community team. I think they might want to do another visit anyway though - I just want them out of my house!!

I'm not 100% sure what the community team have planned for me, I really hope there will be something they can offer relatively soon. I really wanted to do the mindfulness, but after the first 2 sessions I wasn't really sure if I was well enough to do it at the moment anyway.

Thanks for checking in on me Lin. I really appreciate knowing there are people out there reading this and taking the time to find out how I am Flowers

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WishIWasWonderwoman · 26/10/2015 04:40

Sparkle I'm glad you had a good weekend. Is it day 14 today?

I hope the community team can help you.

Thinking of you. Flowers

Hurr1cane · 26/10/2015 05:40

If you run out of lives on candy crush, go to settings, put your clock forwards a few hours, open candy crush, then go back to settings and re set your clock. You should have 5 lives then.

Not the most useful advice in the circumstances but I have no idea what you're going through Sad it must be hell but you're being really strong. Flowers