I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

My official diagnoses are borderline personality disorder and postnatal depression. (Was antenatal depression when I was pregnant)

DP has been offered a carers assessment from the MH team. He doesn't want to go to one as he doesn't know how it will help. I think I migh set one up for him anyway and tell him that I need and want him to go to one. He will go if I tell him it's important to me.

He didn't go cycling last weekend, so I let him go this week. Cycling is what has helped him through his anxiety and his way of letting off steam. I had choir today and DD can come along. She was fine for the first 2hrs, but by the last half hour she'd had enough. Next months choir is the concert so he will have to have the DCs

Mil dropped DS home and we all gave them tea. We realised there was no milk, so I drove to get some while PILs stayed with the DCs I harmed in the car.

I know it's out of control, I really don't know what to do. I'm hoping we can have a nice family day out tomorrow. We have season tickets to a nearby castle that has an epic playground. If the weather is nice then we'll go there for the day.

I've had a nice day today, lunch with my mum was okay, choir was good. PILs were nice. I pretended to be 'happy sparkle' all day. Now I'm exhausted and feeling stupid. I can't tell the crisis team I've harmed because DP can't know.
Ima mess

How can I get to minor injuries without DP finding out?

trigger warning

I told him. He went ape shit and ran around the kitchen threatening to hurt himself with it.

I got sorted out. When I pulled up he called me and told me to come in as quick as I could because he was bleeding, had a tshirts around it but it was dripping on the floor. I ran into the house screaming, he had barracaded himself in the bathroom, but not done anything. He was just saying it so j could see how he felt.

I spoke to the crisis team, they are worried. I have a review with the crisis team doctor tomorrow. I am worried. I really really don't want to go back into hospital. Last time my cutting was this bad I was in hospital and I got sectioned.

Oh noooo - things are getting worse I know, and what did DP do - you say he was threatening to hurt himself with it..........assume a knife. Did you get to minor injuries with your SH and what about DH - does he need medical treatment. This does seem an odd response to your SH - has this happened before.

It sounds like you both need more support than you are getting and it doesn't sound as though the children are in a safe environment at present. Could MIL take the 2 of them until things are on a more even keel. Hope the crisis team doctor can put some support in place for you.

Sorry, it was a big bread knife - was a little shaken up last night. DP is fine, didn't do anything I think he was just trying to make a point, but it wasn't really helpful, just distressing

I saw the crisis team's doctor today. She was nice. Agreed with me that I need a medication change and has ordered a shed-load of blood tests for me. I know have venlafaxine to take in the mornings and she is going to phase out my quetiapine and start me on a different mood stabiliser.

She also offered me an admission of I felt I needed it. I said I didn't want to, but I'd think about it.

Since then I've harmed again and DP has given me the ultimatum that if I harm again then he and the kids are going away. So I think that an admission might be the best way forward.

I've just picked up my new prescription. Doctor has also given me more quetiapine and lots of the sedative that I take. I didn't realise they would give me so many.