I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[MummySparkle]

Sorry, it was a big bread knife - was a little shaken up last night. DP is fine, didn't do anything I think he was just trying to make a point, but it wasn't really helpful, just distressing

I saw the crisis team's doctor today. She was nice. Agreed with me that I need a medication change and has ordered a shed-load of blood tests for me. I know have venlafaxine to take in the mornings and she is going to phase out my quetiapine and start me on a different mood stabiliser.

She also offered me an admission of I felt I needed it. I said I didn't want to, but I'd think about it.

Since then I've harmed again and DP has given me the ultimatum that if I harm again then he and the kids are going away. So I think that an admission might be the best way forward.

I've just picked up my new prescription. Doctor has also given me more quetiapine and lots of the sedative that I take. I didn't realise they would give me so many.

[NanaNina]

Oh noooo - things are getting worse I know, and what did DP do - you say he was threatening to hurt himself with it..........assume a knife. Did you get to minor injuries with your SH and what about DH - does he need medical treatment. This does seem an odd response to your SH - has this happened before.

It sounds like you both need more support than you are getting and it doesn't sound as though the children are in a safe environment at present. Could MIL take the 2 of them until things are on a more even keel. Hope the crisis team doctor can put some support in place for you.

[MummySparkle]

trigger warning

I told him. He went ape shit and ran around the kitchen threatening to hurt himself with it.

I got sorted out. When I pulled up he called me and told me to come in as quick as I could because he was bleeding, had a tshirts around it but it was dripping on the floor. I ran into the house screaming, he had barracaded himself in the bathroom, but not done anything. He was just saying it so j could see how he felt.

I spoke to the crisis team, they are worried. I have a review with the crisis team doctor tomorrow. I am worried. I really really don't want to go back into hospital. Last time my cutting was this bad I was in hospital and I got sectioned.

[MummySparkle]

How can I get to minor injuries without DP finding out?

[MummySparkle]

My official diagnoses are borderline personality disorder and postnatal depression. (Was antenatal depression when I was pregnant)

DP has been offered a carers assessment from the MH team. He doesn't want to go to one as he doesn't know how it will help. I think I migh set one up for him anyway and tell him that I need and want him to go to one. He will go if I tell him it's important to me.

He didn't go cycling last weekend, so I let him go this week. Cycling is what has helped him through his anxiety and his way of letting off steam. I had choir today and DD can come along. She was fine for the first 2hrs, but by the last half hour she'd had enough. Next months choir is the concert so he will have to have the DCs

Mil dropped DS home and we all gave them tea. We realised there was no milk, so I drove to get some while PILs stayed with the DCs I harmed in the car.

I know it's out of control, I really don't know what to do. I'm hoping we can have a nice family day out tomorrow. We have season tickets to a nearby castle that has an epic playground. If the weather is nice then we'll go there for the day.

I've had a nice day today, lunch with my mum was okay, choir was good. PILs were nice. I pretended to be 'happy sparkle' all day. Now I'm exhausted and feeling stupid. I can't tell the crisis team I've harmed because DP can't know.
Ima mess

[NanaNina]

Sorry you're still suffering mummys but remember you did say you wouldn't self harm when you had sole care of the children. You certainly don't deserve to harm yourself - that's the illness talking to you. I think DP could have stayed at home today so that you can rest, and I remember you saying the following day always meant he was tired from cycling. When he asks you what you want him to do why don't you say it would help if he stayed at home and looked after DD so you could rest.

I know it's difficult for people to understand mental illness. Can you get someone from the crisis team to have a chat with DP about how you are affected. I'm not sure of your diagnosis? Is it dep/anx?

[MummySparkle]

Had another bad day again yesterday, I tried to get hold of the crisis team, but couldn't.

I need to see a dr from the crisi team, will see one on Monday, sometime between 9 and 5. It appears their doctors don't work weekends. Lady today was a bit better than yesterday's. Although she had flashy designer shoes and a flashy designer handbag which I thought was a little odd for visiting psych patients in their homes... Each to their own!

I feel terrible. I've been trying to take my meds a bit earlier in the evenings, which dulled things / thoughts a bit last night. DP is worried and frustrated and keeps asking me what I want him to do. I don't know. He's annoyed because I have been harming and wants me to promise to stop, I'm not sure I'm ready to make that commitment yet. He says I'm not trying and not helping myself, wish I could make him understand how much I am trying and I am battling these things in my head. If I gave in to them things would be a lot lot worse.

DP is cycling today. I promised him I wouldn't harm whilst he cycled. Wish I hadn't.

I've had a lovely lie in this morning. DS is still at MIL's DD is asleep, and dogdog has curled up under the duvet next to me. He can tell things aren't quite right with me at the moment and he's been really loving.

I'm not sure what I want to happen. Part of me wants to carry on as things are. I deserve to harm, so why should I stop? Part of me wants to get better, but I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

[MummySparkle]

And thank you Nina

[MummySparkle]

Last time we were u see SS we had a child in need plan and just felt scrutinised. Had a call from the out of hues social worker earlier. She said that they wouldn't open a new case on us because the last one was so recent and they had no concerns. We have a plan in place for there to be minimal time when I'm alone with both children, and I would never do anything to harm myself when I am in sole care of the kids because I wouldn't put them at risk.

Crisi team have just left. I took my quetiapine tonight and I can feel it kicking in, I am 100% exhausted after a difficult day. The crisi team are coming again tomorrow.

I'm having one last smoke and then going straight to bed. I have decided that I will go into work tomorrow to keep me busy and safe as I have to be safe at work. DS is at MILs for a few days. We still have DD but DP is sorting her out. He has been amazing today, really caring, and came home early from work.

My arm is sore, but downstairs is tidy. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better for some sleep

[NanaNina]

You're not a failure mummys you are ill. I think halving your dose of meds was not a good move to be honest. You have been very up and down for a while now and need some more support, so hope the crisis team can offer that......why would children's services stressful last time? They used to be in a position to offer help but because of budget cuts there isn't a great deal they can offer these days.

[MummySparkle]

I've had a terrible few days. CPN has referred me to the crisi team and back to social services. I don't mind the crisis team referral too much because I could probably do with a bit more support, but I'm so angry about the referral to SS. The kids are fine. I know I have been taking risks with my health, but I always make sure the kids are looked after and safe. I would never do anything when I was alone with the kids. SS was so stressful last time, and I don't need that again.

Crisis team are coming out to assess me this evening. House is a mess. They said anytime between 8 and 10:30. It's been an awful awful afternoon. I had a complete breakdown at the MH team. Ended up with DP being called in and 4 staff around me. I feel like such a failure :(

[MummySparkle]

So I thought that only taking 50mg of quetiapine would help. Today I feel even more sedated than normal. I can't carry on feeling like this. I'm too tired to look after myself, let alone look after the DCs. I a shut, and they deserve so much better.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

You aren't a shit mum. Angry and depressed maybe, you know my theories as to part of the reason Aim to get yourself on an even keel (knitting sounds like it will help with that :) ), then you can get on with sorting out.

150 mg quetiapine left me woozy the next day, it got worse as I got better. Psych agreed I could go down to 75 mg, which is fine for me.

[MummySparkle]

I bought myself a spindle, I really want to learn how to spin my own yarn. And I got some gorgeous tweed for a shawl, and some cream yarn to dye. And lots of mini-skeins which will eventually be made into a wrap.

I've been feeling a bit funny since I've been back. Think I forgot to say that I did call 111 shortly after I posted but the didn't get back to me until 2 in the afternoon. I couldnt be bothered so I just went home without getting meds sorted.

I'm supposed to be on 100mg of quetiapine, but I only took 50mg last night. My alarm went off this morning and I was actually able to look at it and get up. I was awake so, for the first night in a while, wasn't shouted / pushed out of bed. And my head was clear enough to make breakfast for the kids without feeling grumpy. I'm going to stick at 50mg for a while, but I really want to come off these meds too. I know I need some sort of medication to keep me on an even path, but until they find me something that doesn't cause tiredness, sedation and weight gain then I'm not taking anything. I think the quetiapine is making my depression worse as it makes me so tired all of the time. I meant to talk to CPN today about meds and stuff, but left it too late. And I think she might be a little fed up of me calling her daily.

I've bought a book on mindfulness that the mindfulness group therapist suggested, and I've been looking into starting a yoga class nearby as that is supposed to help too.

And then on the other hand, I felt really shit yesterday, was trying to talk to DP about how I feel. He told me that if I wanted to kill myself then I might as well do it. Having a dead mum isn't any worse than having a shit, angry & depressed mum.

It's a bit of a mixed bag, I want to get my life more sorted out, but I'm not sure I'm actually well enough to do it at the moment. So I'll just keep knitting.

School trip to London tomorrow, should be interesting

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Just a quickie to say glad the festival was good. And you should be proud! What are you planning to make with your finds?

[MummySparkle]

As it happened, yesterday was awesome! I slept really well on for day night. I actually woke up in the night briefly a few times and went straight back to sleep, and I woke up feeling refreshed rather than feeling cloudy and fuzzy and feeling like a zombie like I do most mornings. It made me realise how much the meds affect me with side effects.

The festival was amazing, I met new people and didn't make a fool of myself and bought lots of yarn, and said hi to some alpacas and an angora bunny too - so soft!!

Driving back home was hard work, I was starting to feel funny from the lack of meds, exhausted from walking around all day, and sick because I'd had a fair amount of caffeine to keep me awake. It took me quite a while to get to sleep once I'd got home as I was still feeling sick for quite a while.

But I did it and I'm really proud of myself. :)

Therapy group on Friday was hard. We all have to keep a 'gratitude journal' of 3 good things every day. We also have some mindfulness meditations that we are supposed to listen to every day, but I haven't managed to get the off the CD yet. We don't have anything that plays CDs in our house anymore!! I need to fire up my old, old, laptop and try and get the music onto my phone somehow. I'm not sure I like the other people in the group, but then I was feeling really low and anxious on Friday so that might not have helped. I'll try to keep more of an open mind next week.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

How did today go? (only just got back)

Am on low dose quetiapine myself - psych said missing one dose wouldn't be problematic. Did you ring 111 - sounds like a plan? Pity it's the weekend, you could ask festival organisers if they have any contacts for this kind of eventuality.

[MummySparkle]

I've arrived at my hotel for the night ready for the yarn festival tomorrow.

Just realised I've left my medication behind. Both my mood-stabilisers for tonight and my thyroid mess for tomorrow. I'm not too worried about the thyroxine as that takes a while to build up and I know I don't have any bad effects if I miss just one dose. Really worried about the quetiapine though. I'm going to be in a big noisy building and meeting people that I've only every talked to on yarny communities online. I'm worried that I'm going to get extra hyper / anxious / tearful without my meds. I don't think there is anything I can do either. Is it worth calling 111?

[MummySparkle]

Thanks Nina I had to get a blood test form from the GP and I was trying to get over to the hospital before phlebotomy closed. I pulled over in the him ease car park to check what time they were open until and I didn't have enough time to make it there so thought I'd pop into home base as I was there. I didn't even buy photo frames, or the shelf that I went in there for.

I know I really need to rest, but I just can't seem to let myself. Thankfully I was only on very minor roads, but it was horrible. I think it might have been related to having far too much caffeine the day before and a major crash from that. If I ever feel like that again I'll as someone to come and get me.

I do work in a school, I'm only 15hrs a week and, as I'm not teaching, they're flexible. I often get sent out in the middle of the day to get milk / biscuits / all the important stuff! There's nowhere private to talk 0n school property.

I'm starting a psychotherapy group on Friday. I thought I was cool with it, but I think it might be affecting me more than I realised. When I start thinking about it then it brings up all of the worries.

I'm going to try and get some sleep. Night night x

[NanaNina]

You're on a very bumpy road just now mummys and it's not good what happened today, but you don't need me to tell you that I know. Thing is, you have a lot on your plate with 2 young children, a difficult r/ship and a job - too little time for yourself, and mental health issues. SO I'm asking myself why are you bothering about buying picture frames! Sorry if I just don't "get" it but it just seems to me that you need to slow down, and use the time when you're not at work or have the children to rest and unwind a little. Yesterday you posted about nearly falling asleep while you were driving, not safe, for you or other road users.

Did you say you work in a school? What hours do you work? I might have that wrong, as you mention "going off site" to talk to your CPN.

You say your "mind and body are exhausted and screaming out for rest" and I'm sure that's right, but at the same time you seem to be driven to "do" things, that surely could be left for the time being. I really hope you can listen to your mind and body and slow down..............and hope you get to talk to your CPN tomorrow.

[MummySparkle]

potentially triggering

So, I spent the afternoon getting sorted out in minor injuries. I dropped the kids off at nursery, went to home base to look for picture frames, and came out with tools to harm myself. I wasn't even thinking of harming when I went into the shop, it was completely impulsive. Very much 'well, I have nothing else to do for the next 2hrs, so why not' And that's terrible, and worrying. MH team have apparently left a message for CPN to call me when she gets in tomorrow, Im going in to work, so ill think I'll send a text too to plan a time for a phone call so I can nip off site and talk properly.

I'm supposed to be going away on Friday night, now I have a bandage on my arm, and if DP sees that I've harmed then he's not going to want to let me go. I'm such an idiot.

I'm a night owl too silvery. Mornings do not come easily to me. I was so grumpy this morning. I shouted at the kids for no real reason, I shouted at DP for no real reason, other than he'd woken me up. I feel guilty about that. I still don't really know what caused me to cut. I feel like I'm starting not to care. Nurse at the minor injuries unit was really lovely, wants me to go back in a few days so that someone can check the wound. I'm not sure whether I'll go, the only time I can really go without anybody knowing is a Wednesday afternoon. Stupid stupid stupid

[MummySparkle]

I had a long nights sleep. Not sure it was a good nights sleep as I spent from midnight til 8:30 in DSs bed.

DP woke me up a few minutes ago to get up with the kids whilst he gets ready for work. I don't feel refreshed at all.

DP and I had a good talk last night. Hopefully today will be a little betther

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Hi there, hope you're reading this after having had a good night's sleep. I am allowed to stay up late because I'm an old retired natural night owl :)

[MummySparkle]

What is with that with the lighters? Some days they seem to be everywhere and other days there are none to be seen. Lots of ours seem to be having a party in the shed at the moment, my car is not a cool place to be if you're a lighter right now!

Mums comments aren't recent. My family don't really know specifics of anything recently. Although they all keep saying how hard it must be for me at the moment (not really helpful!!) my mums comments were mainly from when I was a teenager. She has no concept of mental health. The day I was discharged from hospital, after spending 15months as an inpatient, saw said 'oh, you're cured now' WTF? Stupid cow.

I'm not having urges to cut at the moment, I want to do things that aren't obvious to anybody looking at me, but probably far more dangerous.

I nearly fell asleep driving home earlier, kept finding myself in the middle of the road or in the hedge, it was scary. I wasn't in control at all and I don't like that. My body and mind are exhausted and screaming at me to rest, but there's just so much to do.

Time for knitting and TV now. Hopefully I'll get some sleep before 3am tonight

[TheSilveryPussycat]

ime if you buy a new lighter, all the old ones show up. For a bit. Then they all vanish again, to go and party, or whatever lighters do.

On the face of it, harming is a fairly incomprehensible thing, possibly only understandable if you've done it (like depression, imho). Are your mum's comments because she is worried and frustrated?

I suppose you can't turn to DP? Do keep posting, I'll keep checking (hope site stays up)