I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[MummySparkle]

And the happy phase is over. My mood crashed in the way home from work yesterday, but we had a nice chilled evening.

This morning I feel terrible. I basically woke up to DP yelling at me because he was late to go cycling and couldn't find his stuff. And it was all my fault because he set an alarm on my phone (without telling me) last night because he doesn't know how to do it on his new phone and apparently I turned it off instead of leaving it for him. I don't remember any alarms, if mine did go off I usually turn it off in my sleep anyway and he knows that. Also, setting an alarm on the side of the bed of the person who Is well entitled to a lie in seems rude anyway.

And yeah, then he turned the house upside down trying to find his shorts/ the shed keys / other random crap and forced me out of bed to hel him. Oh and woke DD up.

I needed to leave an hour ago to got and walk some dogs then go to choir. I really can't be arsed. I just want to sleep

[NanaNina]

Oh mummyS I really hope you can see your (D) P is doing you no good at all - it's all very well being nice and buying you a ring, but he is a very angry person in my view, controlling and bullying and "forcing" you out of bed - do you mean physically. It seems he's only ok if everything goes his way and the minute it doesn't he's behaving like a 3 year old, having a temper tantrum, but he's not 3 - he's a grown man and should be helping you and helping to look after the children.

When you said if you went to stay with your mother you would be going from one emotionally abusive situation to another, I assume you mean you mother is/was emotionally abusive to you?

Now you are back at work - who looks after the children? Seems DP just walks dogs except when he goes cycling and then you have to do it, on top of a week's work. I really really hope you can get away from this man, because he's never going to change. I don't know how long you've been together. Is there anyone is RL who can support you. What about your MIL - does she know how her son is treating you. Would she be supportive to you.

[MummySparkle]

No, not physical - he just shouted and shouted til I got out of bed to help him.

The dogs I walked earlier were a nightmare and choir was a pain. My mum has been good over the summer as her brother and his family were around, but as soon as they have flown back halfway around the world she's been a pain again. Yes, she was emotionally abusive towards me growing up. And I've had to run around to get my prescription and a nursery bad for DD, then meet MIL to collect DS.

When I'm at work, MIL has them one day, DM has them one day and DP has them the other (I'm only part time) I start a therapy group in a few weeks time, so I've got to try and figure out some different hours at work and alternative childcare. I think I might just have to go into work earlier on a Monday and Thursday. I'm sitting in my car outside my house. Carrying the DCs inside is too much hard work. I've just had enough at the moment.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Meanwhile, what does (D)P do? walks dogs and cycles?

(mine played the computer game Civilisation - just that game - for a decade! (kids were school age) - he worked very occasionally at the weekends)

[MummySparkle]

Walks dogs, plays ps4, cycles, and we always lose the day after he rides because he is tired / sore / injured. Actually we did have a nic evening. I could tell he felt guilty for houting at me in the morning.

Today seems okay so far, he let me have a lie in and we're all going out for brunch.

Unrelated to him, my mood is still low. I think in still anxious about work, so spending my time at work working on overdrive so I do t feel so funny.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I'm afaid I'm totally in agreement with nana that he is an entitled arse (she may not have put it quite that way...) You don't seem to have much of a partnership.

From personal experience, I would say, just watch yourself. Going into overdrive to cope with things is not always a very good idea.

[MummySparkle]

I nearly did something very self-destructive earlier. In the end took the dog for a walk and managed to calm myself down. Part of me is glad I did, and wants to start a healthy eating regime and go running every morning. The other part of me is planning when I'm not looking after the DCs and I'm not expected anywhere to carry out the thoughts in my head. Everything feels very conflicted

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

Mummy, I'm not in a great place myself, but I just wanted you to know someone had read the post and was reaching out.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

mummy hope you are feeling better. Sorry if my post was a bit blunt for you

Focus on your own health, your DCs and your job. I don't mean going into overdrive - can you kind of relax into it? Well done for doing something to deal with your earlier bad state.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks TwoAndTwo and Silvery

It's so hard. I love him. And I know, in his funny little way, that he loves me too, and I want us to be together. I just wish it was a bum it more like the happy families you see on TV. (Anyone watch lots of CBeebies? I want to be like Topsy & Tim's mum)

I didn't sleep well, again, last night. Settled DD and lay in bed, just got myself relaxed when our house phone started intermittently beeping. Some small fingers out it in some squash, it works fine, but the charge connection is slightly rusty so it cuts in and out of charge. Not really an issue, but it beeps every time it starts charging So I went back down stairs, took it off charge, for back into bed and DS woke up. Settled hi back to sleep, went back to bed, he woke up straight away. So I went back into his room and slept in his bed.

Cue waking up at 6am feeling like my knees were on fire. I rolled out of his bed, but woke him up. I left him there and went to my own bed. Then my alarm went off at 6:30. although I didn't actually get out of bed til 7:30 my knees were so stiff this morning.

Work was good, although I spent the first 2hrs hobbling around the classroom before my knees loosened up! It's really busy at the moment, but fun busy. I feel better after a busy day at work than a slow day with the kids, I think because my mind is kept busy.

My CPN is coming for a home visit tomorrow, got lots to do / tidy before she arrives. I want downstairs at least to look nice. DS will be at nursery when she comes, and hopefully DD will be asleep for some of it. She's going to help me to draft an action plan for the house. We are getting there. I do envy people who are in a home that they will stay in with young DCs, it would be so easy to do all the DIY / sorting with no kids!

I am going away in 2 weekends time to a big yarn festival. Staying away from home for 1 nigh by myself - I'm really looking forward to it. Going to book the hotel tonight - I can't wait!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

It'll feel nice when the downstairs is tidied. Your CPN sounds nice and practical, like mine was. May I suggest you include in your plan, a sub-plan to keep the downstairs nice?

Yarn festival?

[MummySparkle]

Think an entire market building full of wool... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm please excuse me whilst I drool over yarn for a bit

Yes, I think the plan for keeping the place tidy is as important, if not more important than actually tidying it in the first place. There's a lot to do downstairs. Meet to pick all the random off the floor and Hoover everywhere then mop the kitchen. And I definitely need to tidy the cost room & downstairs loo as they are currently a pile of miscellaneous clothing and computer boxes. Need to take the bins out, and give all of the surfaces a wipe down. That doesn't sound so bad actually. Craft room is messy, but it's all clean mess, so that's okay. DP tidied DS's room the other day, so that just needs a Hoover. Dad's room looks like a home exploded in a toy shop, and our room is trashed from Saturday mornings hunt for the shed keys. (They were in the floor in the kitchen. Now the shed doorframe is hanging off...) oh and I need to take the boxes for the computer desk from the kitchen and into our room and empty the jumper box and hang them all up, which means getting the hangers or of my car. I'm going to drop DS at nursery bang on 1 so I will have an hour of DD sleeping to do the bits upstairs. Should probably clean the loos too. Must text CPN with directions too.

[NanaNina]

It's late mummys and you should be sleeping, not going through all the chores that need to be done........I should be too, but I don't have to get up in the morning as I'm an old retired woman! I'm a bit worried about you as you do seem to have been a bit "up and down" lately but maybe that's just your personality.

Hope you have a good talk with your CPN tomorrow. Hoping to see mine this week as am really struggling.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Please pace yourself. You said you were going to do downstairs, your list seemed to be whole house. Good to know for planning, but the objective must surely be to keep things together without blitzing, or crashing and burning.

I used to knit, and would like to do so again - but I have a rule not to start something while the previous thing is unfinished, so have to get a jumper finished that was started 10 years ago. So it's a long time since I've done any. I knit slow, but I have beautiful tension!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Meant to say, that I would drool over yarn too

[Misnomer]

Hi mummysparkles. Are you off to Yarndale? Lucky you! I'm still trying to figure out if I could handle the three hour train ride but I'm very tempted. I went last year and it was fantastic.

I hope that the cpn visit was helpful. There is an organisation called home start who may be able to help you. They have volunteers who come to you and just give you a couple of hours break once a week. My HV made a referral for me before my last baby was born as I'd had pnd with the one before and it was really invaluable, particularly as I had bad pnd again. The only thing that might be an issue is that your younger is over a year but it could be that your local home start has different criteria or your cpn may be able to refer you and see if they can work with you anyway since it's an on going pnd thing. It might be worth trying to find out?

I really relate to the way that you feel. I used to want to just check out for a bit, just to take a break. I think that knowing there isn't really going to be a break makes that feeling all the more desperate and intense. It did get better with time for me. I think I was very lucky in that the support services around me were good. I hope that you find the same.

[MummySparkle]

Ahh misnomer you've sussed me out! I haven't been before, and I'm a little bit scared to go by myself. In a way I'm kinda looking for a legitimate excuse to get away for a day, although I've always wanted to go to yarndale. It's going to be a 5hr drive for me, so it means an overnight on the Friday which will be fun.

Hi Nina, sorry you're not feeling great. Hope you manage to see your CPN and they're helpful You are right, I am really all over the place at the moment. I know it's part of my BOD, but my moods seem even more intense since I stopped taking the sertraline, which is interesting. The lows are worse, but the highs are much better too - interesting that an antidepressant would appear to have stopped me feeling happy. Maybe it's just a coincidence. My consultant left me an answerphone on Friday to talk about my meds, I need to call her back. Forgot to mention it to CPN. DD cut the talking short a bit because she woke up and started whinging at me because there was a 'stranger' (CPN) in the house.

DD is super clingy at the moment when we are around other people. It's hard work. She's going to nursery tomorrow for the first time. We went for a settling in session last week, but I ended up staying with her because by the time she was settled there wasn't long left. We've agreed that I will drop-and-run tomorrow. I know DD will be upset for a few minutes, but she usually settles better with other people if I'm not around.

I did have support from Home Start. The lady that came was great with the kids, but I didn't feel very comfortable around her. Now I'm back at work she can only do the day that I work. I need to contact them, but the thought of making the phone all is a bit scary. CPN was going to call them for me, but I think she might have forgotten. I should send a text to ask her if she can.

It's hard to pace myself sometimes because I don't know when I'm going to feel able to do stuff again. DP showed me this article earlier and it really sums up how I feel quite well. When I'm feeling okay I get this burning urge to get things done and get things sorted because I don't really know when I will next feel able to do stuff. Tomorrow I may be unable to get out of bed and I might end up going back to sleep whilst the CDs are at nursery and not achieve anything.

www.upworthy.com/a-comic-that-accurately-sums-up-depression-and-anxiety-and-the-uphill-battle-of-living-with-them?c=ufb2

Is it crazy that I em really want to apply for an open university degree. I know that it is a completely ridiculous idea to add anything else into my 'to-do' pile. But I really need to get a degree to progress with my career and there's no way I could study full time with work and the DCs so OU seems a good way to go. Although the local uni I think does part time courses, actually I live even closer to there now we've moved. I might re-look at their prospectus. But what if some of my 6th formers applied there? That would be embarrassing!! Maybe I should research this for September 2016. Set that as a goal to get things sorted. Then I'll graduate in 2022... 11 years after all of my school friends.

Dad's sleep is really bad at the moment. I'm ending up in his bed most nights and it's killing my knees. He falls asleep quicker, but seems to wake constantly throughout the night

[MummySparkle]

Both DCs are awake. DD hasn't been to sleep yet. She had a massive wet nappy, I changed it. Then she did a wee in her car seat as I was changing her. Then promptly did a poo. Can't stick her in the car seat in front of TV as its full of wee

She is running around singing twinkle twinkle sat the top of her lungs. No sign of sleep. The three of us are in DSs room. I've brought her mattress I. And it's on the floor. Dad is currently riding his rocking horse and DD is stroking the horse. It makes a godawful neigh sound. I am exhausted, no chance of sleeping though.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

So DP showed you that article? Does he think it applies just to you, or (if he has mh issues as well) to both of you?

sparkle I will tell you how it was for me. I would go into overdrive when I hit a good patch, because I did not know how long it would last. (Or if I had a parental visit looming.) Then I would do one of three things: a) crash, or b) use all my energy on entertaining, not keeping up with the clearing up, or c) (what usually happened) keep it together for two or three days, then let it slip, hoping and expecting that DH would pick up where I'd left off, just for that day. He never did. As I said, he was a lazy cocklodger who thought housework was "trivial."

I should have addressed this issue earlier in our relationship. As it was, and depressed as I was, I didn't, and the more resentful I became, the more depressed. Of course, he justified his cocklodging by saying he couldn't get a proper job because I was depressed - but took no notice when I told him the housework was partly to blame, and had no objection to living off my wages and capital.

If you are two people who are supposed to be supporting each other, then you need to work together on the practicalities of how this is to be shared equally, considering the pattern of how your condition fluctuates.

[MummySparkle]

Silvery, that sounds exactly like us!

DP showed it to me because he thought id like it. It does apply to me, most definitely and we had a giggle over it. Especially the lying on the floor with the 'but you did so much yesterday...' Caption! His anxiety is more under control than mine. It's low level for him and pretty constant, but, aside from very few oanic attacks these days, he doesn't really spike and crash the way I do.

I've felt good the last few days. After getting the kids rooms sorted with CPN, I've been steadily ticking things off the to do list I made. And although I had not much sleep last night, I've been managing to get things done. Had a nice evening with craft and bake off.

I bought a blend-active today. Essentially a smoothie maker that makes the smoothies straight into a drinks bottle (yay for less washing up!) I've blended myself a banana, blueberry, oats and honey smoothie for the morning. I always crave cake when I'm at work, so I'm hoping having a smoothie with me will stop me going to the shop for cake at lunchtime.

I think that once the house is sorted and we're just maintaing it then I am going to apply for an OU course. I really want to get a degree so that I can then do a train-to-teach year and become an actual teacher. Although I still can't decide between maths and art... Maybe I could do a hit of both?! I'd like to be in a place to say, if one of our art teachers left, that I'd do a train-to-teach year and stay at the school. I realise this is a slim possibility, especially as both my colleagues live the school, but one can hope!! Who knows. Maybe there will be a position at a private school come up, then the DCs could get reduced fees. I'm thinking bout far to far ahead!!

Must get some rest now ready for work tomorrow. I've been sneezing all day and now my nose is running. Back to school 'flu' -I get it every September!!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

If DP knows what it is like for you, and understands the comic, then he has no excuse not to act on it.

It's good to have ideas for the future, however at present my advice is to get the present and on-going functioning properly before adding anything else into the mix.

[MummySparkle]

You are full of wise words silvery, thank you.

When the house is under control, and when all the sorting / diy has been completed, and when the kids sleep better, then I will do some more studying. For now I'll content myself looking into the courses I'd like to do. I already have 40 credits, so I would be 1/12 of the way through an OU course before I've even started, so that knocks 6months off the time it would take. I might order a prospectus so that I can choose my modules. I'm still allowed aspirations, even if I'm stuck cleaning the perpetually messy house.

DP told me earlier that his plan for tomorrow is: tidy house, fix shed, clean his car. Fingers crossed I've given him the dishwasher as his main task (because it's sort of similar to laundry) and it's been good so far.

My sniffles have turned into a proper cold

[TheSilveryPussycat]

How has DP done today? Did he get things done?

Sorry if I seem to be harping on, just that I see many aspects of my younger self in you - except for the DIY - part of the problem with my Ex and me was that I was and am totally unsuited to it, so we fell into traditional division of labour.

Well, you've had quite a week. Sounds like work went well. My DP loves gadgets and smoothies, he'd approve of your purchase

[MummySparkle]

The house didn't get tidied, but that wasn't DPs fault. Yesterday was a really really shit day!

DS fell asleep in the car and I couldn't wake him for dinner. He woke up at 2am and I gave him milk but he fell asleep again. He woke up at 4:30am full of beans and wanting breakfast. So I gave him breakfast and went back to sleep on the sofa. He stole my phone so I missed my 7am alarm.

I woke up at 8am to a funny noise. Went into the kitchen and DS had turned the taps on full blast, water had fired off the plates in the sink and there was 2inches of water across the whole kitchen floor. So DP and I mopped and swept it out of the back door. It was freezing

I was an hour late for work and on the way had to stop for a convoy of 100 black cabs taking sick children to Disneyland. Which made me cry because I realised probably half of them won't be here this time next year.

I got loads done at work, but the head is being silly about the numbers for the trip we are doing next week and won't let three staff go (which is ridiculous because we will be taking 40 students to central London and she's not letting their art teacher go.

Oh and I have a stinking cold and I coughing crap out of my lungs.

I'm supposed to be going to a bbq later but I don't feel up to it. I need to go and feed some cats, and lick DS up from MILs but I barely feel up to that. Breathing hurts because my chest is so tight.

Feeling very low and sorry for myself today

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I see why yesterday was a bit shit, but not really seeing why DP couldn't do what he said he'd do.

I know it's easy for me to say, but sounds like you need to establish a better sleep regime for the DC. Can HV or parenting board help with that?

Sorry this sounds like I am getting at you - honestly, this post is made with fellow feeling and sympathy. Hope your cold is short-lived.