I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[MummySparkle]

Yesterday's issue mad my fault as I didn't ask my mum to feed the DCs before I picked them had from hers. I picked them up at 5:30, I'm sure she could have used some initiative... And DS fell asleep. But yes, I definitely do need a better sleep regime for both of them. When DS is tired he is starting to tell us that he 'need go bed' which is cute and bedtime tends to be quicker if we do it straight after him saying that. I made a positive step with DD. she woke up after her dream feed as I was putting her in her cot and was fussing a little. Usually I'd pick her up I know I'm making a rod for my own back but tonight I left her as I was desperate for a wee, by the time I was done in the bathroom she was soundo so I'm going to keep trying her 'sleepy-but-awake' in her cot, probably after the dream feed, and hopefully move on to putter her straight down I. Her cot without her faking asleep in the car seat anymore. DS is quite happy to fall asleep with me sitting on a bean bag next to his bed and knitting / playing on my phone. I need to start moving it further and further across the room again. I've put a blanket in DS's room so in the nights when he wakes up I can sit in the bean bag and tuck myself up warm rather than get into bed with him. My knees are thanking me for that!

DP did do a lot yesterday. We spent an hour together swishing water out of the kitchen, then he carried on and did another hour after I left for work. Then he went off to work. Actually I'm not sure what he did after he got back from work. I picked DD up and did the cats and went to the supermarket en route home. He probably got back 2hra before me, he did tidy the lounge. Although I'll forgive him yesterday, when the day stars with sweeping water out of the back door in the cold in your undies id say that's plenty enough housework for the day!! that may be part of why the house is a mess though!!

If I get a chance, I wil make a chart tomorrow of all of the house chores, we need to divvy them up between us. I have laundry because DP won't do it, and I don't trust him to to wreck the clothes, I quite like laundry anyway. I would like him to have dishwasher and rubbish bins. Then we have bathroom, living room, kids rooms, bedroom, kitchen, boot room that all need to be kept tidy. And then cleaning and hoovering Everywhere too.

I was following the FlyLady programme a few months ago. One of the habits was a 'Swish and swipe' in the bathroom - swish the inside of the loo and swipe all of the surfaces. I should build that back into my evening routine. And in the kitchen it was 'shine your sink' every night. I always take a drink up to bed, the last place I stand is at the sink, so I should start cleaning it again.

My CPN said she would call home start to see if they could offer any bedtime advice, I will chase that up next time I see her. I need to talk to HV too really. We still think that DS is probably autistic, he has made a lot of progress since we saw th HV last, but he hasn't caught up tet, not close. And yet he is years above them with things like his motor skills.

Cold had eased throughout the day. My nose is normalish now, but my lungs are still bad fingerdcrossedvggc

[TheSilveryPussycat]

In my mind, I now have a lovely vision of you and your DP swishing water out in your undies

I agree, that was enough for one day!

I used to do FlyLady, still do, in my own way. I found her very helpful. Though I kick against routine by nature, and have never lasted the 28 days required to form a habit, I often do the 15 min timer thing, and hot spot patrols. Luckily I no longer need to declutter.

Does DS say he's tired at roughly the same time each night, or does it vary? It helps if you can pin down a time to start the process of going to bed.

[MummySparkle]

Oh my goodness, that crash feels like the longest one yet. Site went down as I was trying to post a reply to this thread

Not doing well today. DP and I had a massive argument on Sunday. I got out of the car and went for a walk for a while because I couldn't face the rest if the journey home with him. I went back eventually and we agreed not to talk anymore and to both try our hardest to tidy up after ourselves and be nice to each other.

Today has been hard. Work was busy busy busy. I worked flat out and I'm still nowhere near done. I'm not usually in on a Tuesday, but I need to be in tomorrow to sort everything out.as there is a problem with one of the orders and there is loads to sort out for next weeks trip.

Then I went to the post office and missed the collection - the postie was there and I said 'is that the collection? this letter needs to go ASAP' as postie was waiting for the person at the front of the queue. Anyway everyone turned to stare at me like I'd just started sprouting random bible quotes or something. And the postie left without my letter.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing at the moment. I harmed in a bit of a stupid way earlier. Not enough to do any lasting damage to myself. Some parts of m me want to carry on and keep doing little things to see what happens

[TheSilveryPussycat]

I would say don't worry about where you're going atm, just concentrate on getting things running smoothly. So sorry you felt bad enough to harm - do any of the techniques like ice cubes, rubber band snapping etc help? (I don't sh, the nearest I used to get was biting my wrist)

Grrr about postie. Similar has happened to me.

Hope you get caught up at work today.

[MummySparkle]

Got a little bit caught up at work, but not everything. Colleague was off sick so I didn't have her to help with the things I needed.

Tried to speak to CPN, she's out of the office tip Thursday. Old CPN is on annual leave. They said I could talk to duty, but I dot. Really want to talk to someone I don't know.

I feel even more isolated now. I'm sitting in the car. wanted a cigarette but I can't find a lighter.

The only thing stopping me from harming at the moment is the thought of my family all pretending to be 'nicey nicey' around me when really they feel like they're treading on eggshells. I can't bear the looks they give me. I know my mum thinks that harming is stupid. She's told me a million times.

I really needed to talk to CPN today. Really not sure where to turn now.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

ime if you buy a new lighter, all the old ones show up. For a bit. Then they all vanish again, to go and party, or whatever lighters do.

On the face of it, harming is a fairly incomprehensible thing, possibly only understandable if you've done it (like depression, imho). Are your mum's comments because she is worried and frustrated?

I suppose you can't turn to DP? Do keep posting, I'll keep checking (hope site stays up)

[MummySparkle]

What is with that with the lighters? Some days they seem to be everywhere and other days there are none to be seen. Lots of ours seem to be having a party in the shed at the moment, my car is not a cool place to be if you're a lighter right now!

Mums comments aren't recent. My family don't really know specifics of anything recently. Although they all keep saying how hard it must be for me at the moment (not really helpful!!) my mums comments were mainly from when I was a teenager. She has no concept of mental health. The day I was discharged from hospital, after spending 15months as an inpatient, saw said 'oh, you're cured now' WTF? Stupid cow.

I'm not having urges to cut at the moment, I want to do things that aren't obvious to anybody looking at me, but probably far more dangerous.

I nearly fell asleep driving home earlier, kept finding myself in the middle of the road or in the hedge, it was scary. I wasn't in control at all and I don't like that. My body and mind are exhausted and screaming at me to rest, but there's just so much to do.

Time for knitting and TV now. Hopefully I'll get some sleep before 3am tonight

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Hi there, hope you're reading this after having had a good night's sleep. I am allowed to stay up late because I'm an old retired natural night owl :)

[MummySparkle]

I had a long nights sleep. Not sure it was a good nights sleep as I spent from midnight til 8:30 in DSs bed.

DP woke me up a few minutes ago to get up with the kids whilst he gets ready for work. I don't feel refreshed at all.

DP and I had a good talk last night. Hopefully today will be a little betther

[MummySparkle]

potentially triggering

So, I spent the afternoon getting sorted out in minor injuries. I dropped the kids off at nursery, went to home base to look for picture frames, and came out with tools to harm myself. I wasn't even thinking of harming when I went into the shop, it was completely impulsive. Very much 'well, I have nothing else to do for the next 2hrs, so why not' And that's terrible, and worrying. MH team have apparently left a message for CPN to call me when she gets in tomorrow, Im going in to work, so ill think I'll send a text too to plan a time for a phone call so I can nip off site and talk properly.

I'm supposed to be going away on Friday night, now I have a bandage on my arm, and if DP sees that I've harmed then he's not going to want to let me go. I'm such an idiot.

I'm a night owl too silvery. Mornings do not come easily to me. I was so grumpy this morning. I shouted at the kids for no real reason, I shouted at DP for no real reason, other than he'd woken me up. I feel guilty about that. I still don't really know what caused me to cut. I feel like I'm starting not to care. Nurse at the minor injuries unit was really lovely, wants me to go back in a few days so that someone can check the wound. I'm not sure whether I'll go, the only time I can really go without anybody knowing is a Wednesday afternoon. Stupid stupid stupid

[NanaNina]

You're on a very bumpy road just now mummys and it's not good what happened today, but you don't need me to tell you that I know. Thing is, you have a lot on your plate with 2 young children, a difficult r/ship and a job - too little time for yourself, and mental health issues. SO I'm asking myself why are you bothering about buying picture frames! Sorry if I just don't "get" it but it just seems to me that you need to slow down, and use the time when you're not at work or have the children to rest and unwind a little. Yesterday you posted about nearly falling asleep while you were driving, not safe, for you or other road users.

Did you say you work in a school? What hours do you work? I might have that wrong, as you mention "going off site" to talk to your CPN.

You say your "mind and body are exhausted and screaming out for rest" and I'm sure that's right, but at the same time you seem to be driven to "do" things, that surely could be left for the time being. I really hope you can listen to your mind and body and slow down..............and hope you get to talk to your CPN tomorrow.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks Nina I had to get a blood test form from the GP and I was trying to get over to the hospital before phlebotomy closed. I pulled over in the him ease car park to check what time they were open until and I didn't have enough time to make it there so thought I'd pop into home base as I was there. I didn't even buy photo frames, or the shelf that I went in there for.

I know I really need to rest, but I just can't seem to let myself. Thankfully I was only on very minor roads, but it was horrible. I think it might have been related to having far too much caffeine the day before and a major crash from that. If I ever feel like that again I'll as someone to come and get me.

I do work in a school, I'm only 15hrs a week and, as I'm not teaching, they're flexible. I often get sent out in the middle of the day to get milk / biscuits / all the important stuff! There's nowhere private to talk 0n school property.

I'm starting a psychotherapy group on Friday. I thought I was cool with it, but I think it might be affecting me more than I realised. When I start thinking about it then it brings up all of the worries.

I'm going to try and get some sleep. Night night x

[MummySparkle]

I've arrived at my hotel for the night ready for the yarn festival tomorrow.

Just realised I've left my medication behind. Both my mood-stabilisers for tonight and my thyroid mess for tomorrow. I'm not too worried about the thyroxine as that takes a while to build up and I know I don't have any bad effects if I miss just one dose. Really worried about the quetiapine though. I'm going to be in a big noisy building and meeting people that I've only every talked to on yarny communities online. I'm worried that I'm going to get extra hyper / anxious / tearful without my meds. I don't think there is anything I can do either. Is it worth calling 111?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

How did today go? (only just got back)

Am on low dose quetiapine myself - psych said missing one dose wouldn't be problematic. Did you ring 111 - sounds like a plan? Pity it's the weekend, you could ask festival organisers if they have any contacts for this kind of eventuality.

[MummySparkle]

As it happened, yesterday was awesome! I slept really well on for day night. I actually woke up in the night briefly a few times and went straight back to sleep, and I woke up feeling refreshed rather than feeling cloudy and fuzzy and feeling like a zombie like I do most mornings. It made me realise how much the meds affect me with side effects.

The festival was amazing, I met new people and didn't make a fool of myself and bought lots of yarn, and said hi to some alpacas and an angora bunny too - so soft!!

Driving back home was hard work, I was starting to feel funny from the lack of meds, exhausted from walking around all day, and sick because I'd had a fair amount of caffeine to keep me awake. It took me quite a while to get to sleep once I'd got home as I was still feeling sick for quite a while.

But I did it and I'm really proud of myself. :)

Therapy group on Friday was hard. We all have to keep a 'gratitude journal' of 3 good things every day. We also have some mindfulness meditations that we are supposed to listen to every day, but I haven't managed to get the off the CD yet. We don't have anything that plays CDs in our house anymore!! I need to fire up my old, old, laptop and try and get the music onto my phone somehow. I'm not sure I like the other people in the group, but then I was feeling really low and anxious on Friday so that might not have helped. I'll try to keep more of an open mind next week.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Just a quickie to say glad the festival was good. And you should be proud! What are you planning to make with your finds?

[MummySparkle]

I bought myself a spindle, I really want to learn how to spin my own yarn. And I got some gorgeous tweed for a shawl, and some cream yarn to dye. And lots of mini-skeins which will eventually be made into a wrap.

I've been feeling a bit funny since I've been back. Think I forgot to say that I did call 111 shortly after I posted but the didn't get back to me until 2 in the afternoon. I couldnt be bothered so I just went home without getting meds sorted.

I'm supposed to be on 100mg of quetiapine, but I only took 50mg last night. My alarm went off this morning and I was actually able to look at it and get up. I was awake so, for the first night in a while, wasn't shouted / pushed out of bed. And my head was clear enough to make breakfast for the kids without feeling grumpy. I'm going to stick at 50mg for a while, but I really want to come off these meds too. I know I need some sort of medication to keep me on an even path, but until they find me something that doesn't cause tiredness, sedation and weight gain then I'm not taking anything. I think the quetiapine is making my depression worse as it makes me so tired all of the time. I meant to talk to CPN today about meds and stuff, but left it too late. And I think she might be a little fed up of me calling her daily.

I've bought a book on mindfulness that the mindfulness group therapist suggested, and I've been looking into starting a yoga class nearby as that is supposed to help too.

And then on the other hand, I felt really shit yesterday, was trying to talk to DP about how I feel. He told me that if I wanted to kill myself then I might as well do it. Having a dead mum isn't any worse than having a shit, angry & depressed mum.

It's a bit of a mixed bag, I want to get my life more sorted out, but I'm not sure I'm actually well enough to do it at the moment. So I'll just keep knitting.

School trip to London tomorrow, should be interesting

[TheSilveryPussycat]

You aren't a shit mum. Angry and depressed maybe, you know my theories as to part of the reason Aim to get yourself on an even keel (knitting sounds like it will help with that :) ), then you can get on with sorting out.

150 mg quetiapine left me woozy the next day, it got worse as I got better. Psych agreed I could go down to 75 mg, which is fine for me.

[MummySparkle]

So I thought that only taking 50mg of quetiapine would help. Today I feel even more sedated than normal. I can't carry on feeling like this. I'm too tired to look after myself, let alone look after the DCs. I a shut, and they deserve so much better.

[MummySparkle]

I've had a terrible few days. CPN has referred me to the crisi team and back to social services. I don't mind the crisis team referral too much because I could probably do with a bit more support, but I'm so angry about the referral to SS. The kids are fine. I know I have been taking risks with my health, but I always make sure the kids are looked after and safe. I would never do anything when I was alone with the kids. SS was so stressful last time, and I don't need that again.

Crisis team are coming out to assess me this evening. House is a mess. They said anytime between 8 and 10:30. It's been an awful awful afternoon. I had a complete breakdown at the MH team. Ended up with DP being called in and 4 staff around me. I feel like such a failure :(

[NanaNina]

You're not a failure mummys you are ill. I think halving your dose of meds was not a good move to be honest. You have been very up and down for a while now and need some more support, so hope the crisis team can offer that......why would children's services stressful last time? They used to be in a position to offer help but because of budget cuts there isn't a great deal they can offer these days.

[MummySparkle]

Last time we were u see SS we had a child in need plan and just felt scrutinised. Had a call from the out of hues social worker earlier. She said that they wouldn't open a new case on us because the last one was so recent and they had no concerns. We have a plan in place for there to be minimal time when I'm alone with both children, and I would never do anything to harm myself when I am in sole care of the kids because I wouldn't put them at risk.

Crisi team have just left. I took my quetiapine tonight and I can feel it kicking in, I am 100% exhausted after a difficult day. The crisi team are coming again tomorrow.

I'm having one last smoke and then going straight to bed. I have decided that I will go into work tomorrow to keep me busy and safe as I have to be safe at work. DS is at MILs for a few days. We still have DD but DP is sorting her out. He has been amazing today, really caring, and came home early from work.

My arm is sore, but downstairs is tidy. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better for some sleep

[MummySparkle]

And thank you Nina

[MummySparkle]

Had another bad day again yesterday, I tried to get hold of the crisis team, but couldn't.

I need to see a dr from the crisi team, will see one on Monday, sometime between 9 and 5. It appears their doctors don't work weekends. Lady today was a bit better than yesterday's. Although she had flashy designer shoes and a flashy designer handbag which I thought was a little odd for visiting psych patients in their homes... Each to their own!

I feel terrible. I've been trying to take my meds a bit earlier in the evenings, which dulled things / thoughts a bit last night. DP is worried and frustrated and keeps asking me what I want him to do. I don't know. He's annoyed because I have been harming and wants me to promise to stop, I'm not sure I'm ready to make that commitment yet. He says I'm not trying and not helping myself, wish I could make him understand how much I am trying and I am battling these things in my head. If I gave in to them things would be a lot lot worse.

DP is cycling today. I promised him I wouldn't harm whilst he cycled. Wish I hadn't.

I've had a lovely lie in this morning. DS is still at MIL's DD is asleep, and dogdog has curled up under the duvet next to me. He can tell things aren't quite right with me at the moment and he's been really loving.

I'm not sure what I want to happen. Part of me wants to carry on as things are. I deserve to harm, so why should I stop? Part of me wants to get better, but I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

[NanaNina]

Sorry you're still suffering mummys but remember you did say you wouldn't self harm when you had sole care of the children. You certainly don't deserve to harm yourself - that's the illness talking to you. I think DP could have stayed at home today so that you can rest, and I remember you saying the following day always meant he was tired from cycling. When he asks you what you want him to do why don't you say it would help if he stayed at home and looked after DD so you could rest.

I know it's difficult for people to understand mental illness. Can you get someone from the crisis team to have a chat with DP about how you are affected. I'm not sure of your diagnosis? Is it dep/anx?