I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[NanaNina]

Oh so glad you're feeling so much better. Take it steady though - slow and steady wins the race!

[MummySparkle]

Not according to my digestive system!! I swear I've been at least 10times. I have no idea what's going on with my body!!

I need to set an alarm and try and get some sleep ready for more work in the morning. It's going to be an even earlier morning as I have to drop the DCs off.

Need to chase OH again tomorrow. And I think perhaps talk to my CPN. I'm feeling awesome, and I'm probably headed for another crash.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Careful with the awesome! glad you're feeling better though, and hope you get OH resoloved today

[MummySparkle]

No joy with OH. I took my report in to work and gave it to the HR lady who said she would send it to the OH straight away. When did she send it? 2:45 this afternoon. As I was on the phone to them asking if they'd had a chance to look at it yet. On the plus side, they did say that someone would look at it on Monday or Tuesday next week, so at least they have a time frame.

I also called the original OH. I keep getting the same man answer the phone and every time and I can practically hear him sigh when he realises it's me. The other ladies are lovely.
2 days of work has completely exhausted me. I've got a busy day tomorrow going to DPs aunts birthday with the DCs. DP is off out in the morning, I'm going to try and meet up with a friend in the morning. See how it goes.

I took a break from typing this, and exhaustion had just hit me like a train. I feel weak and shakey and horrible. And my digestive tract is still working overtime. I've got bad thoughts tonight

[MummySparkle]

Oh and I called my CPN, she sounded fed up of me too

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Stewed apple - or even bought apple sauce - can soothe a stressy tummy, I find.

Make sure you take it easy over the weekend. Sounds like you might be running either on adrenalin, or a bit manic. When you are back at work, you have to make sure you rest some of the week, anyway.

Your CPN is fed up with your illness just as you are. And wishes, no doubt, that she could offer something more to help. At least she was on the end of the phone for you, and it's really good that you rang her.

[MummySparkle]

Eugh, MN keeps not posting my posts on here

Tummy is a lot less cranky today. I'm still 'going' more often, but at least I don't have the horrible cramps that go with it. Been pottering at home this morning, off out now to brave a laundrette with my laundry overflow, then to DP's auntie's birthday party. Need to grab a card and present en-route - I have no idea what to get her!! I'm thinking maybe a nice necklace, but I really don't know!! I'll see what grabs my eye!

I had a lot of sleep last night, which has helped. Still feeling tired today though. I do t really want to go to this thing, but everyone always wants to see the kids, so I have to.

[MummySparkle]

Had a nice time with the kids until DP came home. He was annoyed with me because the kids weren't asleep (I only got home at 8 and they both napped in the car but woke up in the cold) DD was crying and I was desperately trying to get DS to sleep, not helped by the numerous phone calls from him and the 'can you put the heating on' 'can you put the heating on' now he's annoyed that I didn't eat the dinner he made (oven chips and pie) despite me telling him I had already eaten. Got annoyed with me for not wanting the baby and the dog in the room whilst I was going to the loo (again) I know it smells dog dog and I don't want you passing me shoes DD did he help? No he sat on the sofa uploading videos of today's ride and ignored the DCs. Now he is sitting with DS and has had a go at me for 'not looking after the children properly' because DS wasn't asleep and had a big nappy. He's 2 and a half, one monster wee fills a nappy these days, sorry for not noticing that under the duvet. And I don't know what sort of day DS has had because he spent 75% of it with MIL. Why I do know is that he had to endure 3hrs of sitting in a restaurant this afternoon at an adult birthday party and that afterwards we walked back to the car via the seaside, threw stones in the water and played sitting in a boat on the beach.

Oh and the kitchen isn't tidy. His excuse for not tidying the kitchen: I don't always tidy as I go along and that makes it hard for him to tidy up. The kitchen this morning had the remains of the Indian that he cooked on weds night everytlwhere, and the remains of thirsday night Chinese take away that I brought back for him everywhere. I loaded and set off the dishwasher, but there were more plates than would fit. So there are still plates on the table.

Oh and I spent the morning sorting through laundry like he has been asking me to and taking it to the laundrette.

Now I am in pain from lying in an awkward position in DSs cot bed for an hour and a half because DS won't let me lie any other way.

Sorry if I'm fucking grumpy

[MummySparkle]

Oh and he is annoyed because I am mean and don't show him affection and he 'really loves me' and he's annoyed because I don't seem to love him anymore.

He's just come down after spending 20mins with DS, saying 'I've done an hour it's your shift now'

[MummySparkle]

How do I get out?

[NanaNina]

I hope you can see MummyS that your (D) P is utterly selfish and it seems to me like you have 3 children on your hands! I couldn't understand why you had to take the children to his aunt's birthday tea, while he went out cycling for the whole day. He seems to treat you like a child and is always blaming you for this that and the next thing and seems to bully you too. I don't know whether you can stand up to him?

If you really want to leave there will be a way. Can you go and stay with relatives/friends with the children to give you time to think and plan. Can I ask how long you have been with your partner? Your MIL sounds supportive - I wonder if she knows how he is treating you.

Getting out won't be easy but it is absolutely possible. Are you buying your home or renting. If the former then you need to get the house valued and find out how much equity is in the property, and you are entitled to half each. Sometimes one partner will buy the other partner out. If that can't be done, then the house will need to be sold and you share the equity. I don't know where you live of course but hope it's not London as property prices are horrendous. If you don't have enough for a deposit on a property to buy, you would need to rent in the private sector, as you are unlikely to get a council/housing association property.

IF however you need to get out asap the phone Women's Aid (the number will be on their website) and they will help you. You are suffering emotional abuse, which is every bit as bad as physical abuse, and WA will accept this is the case. There is also the issue of your mental health, which is not going to improve while you are living with this man.

I really hope you can get away from him. He sounds like a selfish teenager rather than a partner and father.

[MummySparkle]

Oh Nina, I've been trying to bury my head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine, but you are right. And I posted in relationships a long long time ago and everybody said the same, but I ignored them.

You know what he said yesterday? That he was 'jealous of me going fun stuff with the kids and my family without him' yet he is always out riding.

We are privately renting. I'm pretty sure I could change it from a joint tenancy to just being in my name. We've just signed for a three year contract so, either way, one of us would have to stay here.


We've just talked. To summarise:
-He treats me how I treat him
-When I am depressed I don't see the good in anything and I am mean to everyone
-he will not leave, and will not let me take the kids
-new deal: he will tidy everything in the house aside from the laundry, so long as I tidy up after myself, and tidy up after the children when he isn't here. Apparently this deal is going to last until tomorrow morning.

I literally have nowhere to go. I want to OD, but I can't because it would only be feeding into his though that I am useless and that he can't confront me about anything without me hurting myself so he has to 'tread on eggshells' around me.

Maybe I should start looking into renting places nearer work.

[WanderingTrolley1]

I don't know how you've tolerated his selfishness for so long, Mummy!

Do you have any family you could perhaps stay with?

your situation sounds awful.

[MummySparkle]

We could stay at my mums (they have the space and would let us stay) but that's moving away from one emotionally abusive person straight into the arms of another.

Friend I would have asked is pregnant and she is constantly shattered bless her, so that's a no-go. If it was just me there would be loads of options, but it's not really fair to have 2 under 3s come to stay unexpectedly.

Today has been mostly better, although we went to a shopping outlet and I struggled a bit while we were there (loud, kids being ifficult, and just generally head feeling funny) DP gets frustrated with me when I'm I've that, which is fair enough - I can't think straight and make decisions and everything feels like hard work.

He apologised in the car and we talked a bit more. If we stay on track with what we agreed then things should get a lot better. He has said that he will tidy the house and then we can maintain it together. If he does this then I think things will improve. If the house doesn't get organised then I think we'll keep on bumbling along and argueing.

Tummy has been much better today, barely any cramps, although things still seem to be moving faster that id like! DO thinks I should take the sertraline again, but I feel like I'm over the worst now, so in going to soldier on.
I wish the head fog would go away. You know that 10secobds or so as you fall asleep? When your not quite asleep, but you're not awake and it's bliss to just give in to the heavy feeling behind your eyes and fall asleep. I keep getting that heavy feeling during the day. I'm not tired, my body can move fine, and closing my eyes doesn't make a difference, but it's as if my brain has stopped running directly, and is now running everything ban extra long way around my head and when it finally gets through its all fuzzy. It's horrible and I struggle to look after the DCs when I feel like that. It mostly seems to happen when we're out, especially at the shops, which isn't fun. I guess it's easing off a bit. It's nothing like as bad as it was last Wednesday when I couldn't pick DS up from nursery. But it's still confusing and frustrating, because I don't want to be like that. I'm hoping it doesn't last too much longer and I can get back to being me rather that evil as DP says I a at the moment and hopefully my metabolism will start working again. DP said he'd rather have me fat and happy than slim and struggling, but I can't bear to see pictures of myself at the moment. I am the biggest I've ever been, none of my clothes fit and I can't afford new ones. My legs are still okay, but my stomach is huge. I got asked the other week if I was pregnant again

sometimes I really wish that the eating disorder I had when I was a teenager would come back. I know that's terrible, and looking back I was really unhealthy and unwell, but I was skinny, and I didn't eat rubbish at al hours of the day or night

[TheSilveryPussycat]

If you and DP manage to get the house together, with a fairly shared workload for keeping it like that, it will keep both your heads clearer and make life underlying feel nicer, imho. Housework was an issue between me and Ex for most of my marriage, my resentment at him and helplessness in the face of it all was a big factor in my continuing depression. I wish now I had put my foot down - but was too depressed and knew he thought housework "trivial". It is far from that.

I used to freak out in supermarkets when depressed - because I found it so very very hard to decide about anything - which biscuits to buy, even. I would abandon my shopping in tears, or stand frozen to the spot in tears. Or the music would wind me right up! and I'd have to flee. Your own supermarket freak out might get better as you get more control over your house.

It's good that DP is going to tidy the house (when's he doing that?), and I think you are right, getting a system going (and keeping it going) for maintaining it like that, is key to any chance of you both finding things easier.

[Tashakuf4]

MummySparkle how are you feeling now? Everything ok?

[MummySparkle]

Hi everyone, sorry for the radio silence, I've been busy busy.

Occy health report is through and I'm back at work with no restrictions now I'm going to figure out how to make a formal complaint about it taking so long. And the Drs rudeness (my CPN said that the questions the Dr asked for her report showed she has no experience on mental health at all)

We are making progress with the house. I've done a lot of laundry and we've got rid of our old sofa that was cluttering up the place. I've been tidying the craft room to make space for another bit of furniture from upstairs to go down there which will declutter the kitchen.

My moods have been a bit all over the place, and my knees have been painful this week, but things are looking a little more positive

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Your previous report seemed more about (totally paranoid) safeguarding of pupils from you rather than reasonable adjustments, unless I've got the wrong end of the stick. So glad that the latest one has no restrictions on it.

But may I ask, you've got the result you wanted, do you really want the hassle of a complaint? It will slow down everything for others behind you in the OH queue, and the OH people may close ranks and your complaint be dismissed. (This is what happened when I raised a grievance when I was at work - but at the time was considering unfair dismissal claim, so had to go the grievance route first - in the end I decided my health was not up to further fight)

I am old and cynical though.

Glad to hear about the progress on the house. I need to get downstairs cleared as am getting new carpet next week :)

[WanderingTrolley1]

Good to hear you've had couple of good, productive days, Mummy. Feels good to decluttee, doesn't it?!

[MummySparkle]

Yes silvery, the first report was terrible. This one just says I have to attend a fire drill, will need time off for appointments and should have a mentor that is aware of everything. My head of department i am assuming will become my mentor. We get on really well, and she's pretty much my mentor anyway, so no change really! If ever I was struggling I know I would be able to talk to her so it's all good. Had an email from the head saying that she is happy for me to come back in as per my original contract, so all is back to normal.

In a way I can't be bothered to put in a complaint, but I also don't want any other staff with MH problems to be assessed by the same doctor and have the same thing happen to them. As she's from an agency and doesn't work for the actual OH team I see no reason for them to use her again.

Lounge is almost complete. Tonight's job is to scrape the tile paint off the fireplace (didn't like the colour, 2nd coat went blotchy) and sand it down. Hopefully I can paint it tomorrow night. Then the lounge will be complete

Need to get some more laundry through the machine and need to sort out the bottom of the built in wardrobe. Since I made the new one that one is now his, but it has 2ft of random clothes in th bottom that are probably mostly mine. Need to sort them out so that he can out his jumpers there and we can get rid of our jumper storage box in favour of a computer table definitely didn't just blow all of our money on an iMac... then need to build the computer table... Also need to figure out how to make a slim and long coffee table to neatly fit down the side of the sofa against the wall. Needs to be about 30cm wide... Not a clue how we're going to do that, but I can feel a trip to B&Q to get some wood cut down for it. I'm thinking make a frame, screw the 4 legs to it, and then screw the top on from underneath. Then stain the top and paint the legs white to match our other tables. Actually that will work! Not a priority at the moment, but that will be the finishing touch on the lounge.

Oh and DP and I have had a couple of long talks. He is helping me to communicate more effectively. As in the other night I came down and said 'I can't do bedtime with DS' and he waited patiently for me to find the words to say that I was really tired and I needed half an hour to veg on the sofa so that I coul have a nice evening with him. And that was fine with him.", he did bedtime and I tried to rest, but DM called and it didn't really work out, but I'm communicating a bit better. I'm telling him when I don't understand him and he is explaining things to me again. House is still a mess, but we're getting there :) CPN is coming for a home visit on tuesday, so I'd like to get downstairs looking nice by then.

And yesterday DP bought me my dream engagement ring. I lost my original in NYE and have had an ??8 Argos emergency replacement since then. I finally have a proper diamond on my finder again, and I feel that DP and I have committed to make things work properly again. It's so sparkly!

I really hope this is the start of a new phase for us, and not just a week of something different before reverting back

[MummySparkle]

Ooh I cross-posted with you trolley yes decluttering is great! Now we've got rid of the old sofa the lounge feels huge.

I have a feeling that a lot of the clothes from the bottom of the wardrobe will be for the charity shop. Most of them haven't been worn since we moved in!! I'd think tonight and tomorrow night will be 'getting stuff done' nights and then in Friday when we just have DD we will have a evening to cuddle in front of the TV

[TheSilveryPussycat]

The Dr gave the right decision, based on her findings, regardless of the questions asked. How about framing your communication as feedback to those who employed her, rather than as a complaint?

[WanderingTrolley1]

Things are looking up, Mummy.

Your ring is very pretty. You must be thrilled.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

How rude of me not to mention your lovely ring :) Am also in awe of your DIY skills...

[MummySparkle]

Haha, maybe I should silvery!

And don't be to impressed with my 'DIY' skills. I'm am ideas girl - all the good ideas, never get anything done!!