I'm struggling and need a hand to hold

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. My last thread got deleted so I don't know what to say.

I am exhausted and struggling and the thought of another day home alone with the kids fills we with dread.
I need a few days off my life. DP won't let me, so I'm stuck in this rut that I'm really not coping with,

I don't know what to do to get out of this

[MummySparkle]

Hello all.

I saw my CPN, it was good to talk it through with somebody who understands and listens unlike DP

I don't know if anyone remembers my previous posts about occupational health? Basically the OH doctor has said that I'm not allowed to be unsupervised around children at work (I work in a school) so I've been medically suspended until it gets resolved. Thankfully it's been mostly over the summer holidays, although I did miss the end of last term. The Oh doctor now has the report from my MH consultant, apparently it's 7 pages long. I've asked for a copy, but my CPN doesn't want to give it to me until Tuesday as its going t be a long weekend and it goes into detail about my history. Apparently the work-related bits are relatively positive, but there are a lot of negative bits in my history. I'm going in first thing to pick it up and read through it, and then I've got an appointment with her at 11 to talk it through. I'm going to try not to dwell on it over the weekend, but I'm a little worried about what's in it. She didn't want to give it to me today as it might trigger me over the weekend. I'm hoping the OH Dr will see the positives and clear me for work. The students come back on 7th sept, so the clock is ticking to have it done before then.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Mentally make a nice white box with a lid on it, open it, and put 7 imaginary pages of typescript in it. Mentally put the lid back on. Now mentally label it: TO BE OPENED ON TUESDAY

Your CPN seems happy with your mood, so to speak. But I would try not to rush about too much; take some time to sit in green surroundings if you can. Is your night away dependant on your MIL being up to doing childcare?

I'm just going to wave back to nana - we've 'known' each other for a fair while - and send you, her and the other posters a hug and a

[MummySparkle]

Mmmm thank you.

MIL has DS, and our dog is with friends. Is it wrong that I'm more worried about the dog than DS? DS always spends Friday nights at Nanas, but DogDog has never been away from us before. kitchen floor is a right state after just one meal without him to clear up

Have put the paperwork in a mental pretty chevron paperwork box that I was eyeing in sainsburys earlier. Whilst buying coathangers at an appropriate time of day!

We still haven't booked a room for tomorrow night. We're going to play it by ear.

CPN seemed a little concerned that I have been so all over the place recently. She wouldn't give me the report in case I harmed myself over the weekend. DP thinks that Occy health aren't going to clear me for work. CPN wouldn't say either way. I will be gutted if I can't go back. And we will be in a very difficult position financially if I lose my job. I'm not sure they can legally fire me, but they. Can't keep me suspended on full pay indefinitely.

CPN told me to try and get an early night, it's not that early, but a lot earlier than most recently. Have taken a sleeping tablet on CON's suggestion. In the hopes that I get decent sleep tonight ready for an early start in the morning. Fingers crossed!

Thank you all so so much for replying. It's been a real help offloading about things on here. Hope your boiler's all sorted silvery x

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Yes, boiler fixed. and new teeth

Sleep tight!

[MummySparkle]

Feeling bleary this morning. We are 2hours behind schedule for leaving for our night away. I feel like a zombie warmed up. I really really hate mornings!

[WanderingTrolley1]

Hope you have a good trip, Mummy.

[MummySparkle]

Had wine, lovely time, will update when sober xxx

[MummySparkle]

That's odd, I swear i replied earlier. Having a lovely time, had a few mood blips, but mostly good. Had a lovely meal out at Jamie's Italian with a bottle of wine. I was so tipsy! drank so much wine I could barely cut my pizza up, it was only half a bottle, such a lightweight these days!!

Back at the hotel now. Time to get some sleep. DO has just drifted off DD is asleep in the pram. And I'm watching. Family guy. I'm tired but not sure I can drift off. My head keeps circling back to that chevron box with the report inside. If it's bad, and the Occy health Dr says I can't go back to work then we're screwedd. Think insight take one of my sleepers so that I can drift off

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Put the box somewhere safe in your head where you can't see it!! (should have said that before) IME OH is completely unpredictable.

Enjoy today, enjoy tomorrow xxx

[NanaNina]

Hi MummyS (and silvery) Glad your overnight stay seems to be going well - assume you took DD with you and DO is DH (and not short for DOG!) I can well understand why you are worrying about the report that the psychiatrist has sent to OH. Are you a teacher? If so - are you primary - am assuming so as you mention "not being able to be unsupervised with children" - that sounds a bit harsh.

Waiting is going to be the worst part - but the thing is regardless of whether OH deem you fit to resume work, do you feel you could cope, as you've not been at all good all summer. What happens to the children when you are at work? I am assuming you are the main bread winner as I think you said DH is a "dog walker"(sorry if I have that wrong) so don't imagine that brings in enough to keep things going financially.

Anyway try and relax as much as possible - easy to say I know. Let DH look after the kids for a few hours and cuddle under your duvet or warm blanket.

[MummySparkle]

Yes 'DO' should have read 'DP' last night. I was behind tipsy! But very giggly, it was fun.

I am a technician in a secondary school. I help the department with setting up, clearing away, admin, ordering, exhibitions, trips and spend a fair amount of time helping students with things. Although 90% of the time there are other teachers around, the OH doctors specifically recommended that I should be accompanied at all times whilst on the premises, including having someone with me from reception to our department, and locking the classroom doors of I was ever in there by myself (they don't have locks!) so until that has been relaxed its impossible for me to be at work unless they employ someone to be my minder. It's ridiculous! I have worked in secondary schools for 2 years, and have volunteered with guiding all of my adult life. Have numerous CRB / DBS checks and not once had any complaints through any of those channels.

And yes, I will be okay back at work. My triggers are all home-based (not the shop!!) and work was my bit of sanctuary away from that. I'm bloody good at my job (everyone has said so, and our department got the best exam results in school this summer. Being there, although busy, is so different from being at home. I don't have to be mummy, I can be sparkle and creative and, for the most part, I'm doing tasks by myself, but surrounded by people and I chip into lessons now and again. On an off day there are plenty of spaces I can take myself which are quieter, but nowhere that anybody can guarantee student free.


Funnily enough the Dog Walking used to be fantastic. DP was earning more doing the dogs, than I was as a full time TA. But since our last employee quit and we moved house, business has dwindled and I've been earning enough for us not to try to rebuild it.

We're en route home now. Just collected DogDog, DS is staying at Nanas for another night. Just got to give DD some milk then hopefully DP and I can curl up under our blankets and watch some Netflix.

I'm starting to feel a bit flat no were nearly home. I've been feeling a bit worse for wear all day after last nights drinking. Got some funny photos and great memories. They should last me through.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Glad you've had some enjoyable time away :)

I always find I need a day's rest if possible after anything like that. That's what Bank Holidays are for - not for deep-cleaning the kitchen as I used to do in my youth (and then burning out)

Blimey, what on earth makes them think such drastic measures are needed for your working conditions?? (Sorry if you've said on a previous thread, and don't feel you have to answer anyway)

[MummySparkle]

I have literally no idea why they've said that about work. The occyhealth Dr was horrible. Didn't listen to anything positive I had to say just heard 'borderline personality disorder - this person is crazy' I've even had a second opinion from a different Occyhealth health team, and he said that this doctor had been very over the top, but his recommendation would also be to wait for a specialist report, so he couldn't override it :(

It's been going on since May half term, it's been hugely stressful. I had a bit of a breakdown in February half term, but was just recovering from it when I got hit with the occy health hammer.

Today's plan is to set up my 'new' phone (I've got DPs iPhone 6plus when it finishes updating - very excited!!)

And go and meet my mum at a quilt exhibition, which should be nice (and I'm likely to get a cream tea out of it )

Fingers crossed for a more level day today :)

[MummySparkle]

Parents will be here in 20mins, I'm leaving in 40mins to get the report and read it. Not dressed yet and need to clean the kitchen floor before they come. Not feeling good today

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Just seen this, about to go out myself.

I'll be thinking about you. Hope all goes well.

[MummySparkle]

Thanks silvery. It was hard to read, but it wasn't anywhere near as negative as it could have been. I'm feeling a bit crap today. But hopefully the occy health doctor will look upon it favourably. I've been trying To get through to occy health today to chase things up again, but no answer at the moment. I'm guessing they're all on lunch. I'll try again in a bit.

I've decided to stop taking my sertraline, I'm putting so much weight on. I know a lot of t is related to the quetiapkne. But I'd be silly to stop taking that. I don't think the sertraline has ever really done much. I know I'm feeling flat because I've stopped taking it, but I'm feeling fat because I keep taking it. Having lots of thoughts of harming today.

[NanaNina]

Glad the report wasn't so bad mummyS but worried you are stopping Sertraline - sounds like you've already stopped? It's important to reduce ADs gradually and you might need something in place of Sertraline. You say you're feeling flat because you've stopped taking it, so it must have been doing you some good. I know it's all so difficult with these ADs and tbh I think all of them make us fat.....but better be fat and mentally well surely.

Hope you can get through to OH - when does school re-open?

[MummySparkle]

Thanks nina. I told my CPN about it. She is going to talk to my consuLtant and see if there is a different AD I can take. Not sure I want to take anything else.

DS and I are curled up on the sofa waiting for DP to come home I'm really tired today. Can't wait tip the kids are in bed and I can veg on the sofa. Will get and early night too. MIL has had a bug this week, started with a sore throat, then a day or two of exhaustion, and then a sniffly nose and no voice. Think I'm getting it too.

I spoke to OH, they weren't very helpful, still no news. The Dr is from a separate agency, she has the report, but there isn't really anything they can do to speed her up anymore. She's had it over 2 weeks so far.

We have staff training on Thursday and Friday, the students come back on Monday. Looks like I'm not going to be in on Monday unless the OH Dr suddenly gets her arse into gear.

[MummySparkle]

Been feeling sick and shaky all evening. Not sure if it's the sertraline withdrawal or if I'm getting a bug. The only thing that's stopped the sicky feeling has been Dr Pepper. But now I'm jittery and full of caffeine. I need sleep.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Hope you managed to get some sleep, and feel a bit better.

[MummySparkle]

I felt okay this morning. I have totally crashed this afternoon. I could barely drive home from the supermarket. Have collapsed on the sofa. Not sure whether it's a meds withdrawal, a bug or just my mood. I need to go and pick DS up from nursery. I can barely move. I feel horrific. Supposed to be in work at 8:30 tomorrow

[MummySparkle]

I asked DP to pick DS up from nursery. He said he couldn't, but would drive me. I fell asleep on the sodas. He shouted at me for being asleep and not being ready. Then he shouted at me for 'acting like a crack head' when I feel so I'll can barely move. He just put all the mess in the kitchen onto the tablr, then forced me to clear it so the kids could eat. He's been shouting at me since he got in. Nursery were pissed off because we were late to pick DS up. DP thinks I'm just playing up, I am really not. I hate being like this.

I've been in bed for the length of time it's taken me to write this and already he's shouting at me to tidy the lounge. Because it's 'my mess'. It's not. It's in exactly the same state as when we both left this morning to go to the big town 45mins away so he could swap his new phone for a different one because he didn't like it. It's on my contract, so I had to go too. All that driving took it out of me. Then I dropped DS late to nursery, tried to go around the supermarket with DD, but by the time I was at the checklists I could barely see / stand up. I just need to fucking sleep, why can't he understand that. He's just yelled up the stairs 'it's just a cold, you're not dying!' Well of course I bloody know that. It still doesn't stop my body shutting down because it needs rest

[NanaNina]

Oh mummyS I honestly think your (D) P is part of your problem. What you have described is extreme emotional abuse which is every bit as bad as physical abuse. You are really struggling and have been for a long time and his priority is his frigging mobile phone, and it sounds like you are paying for it. I can't see how you're going to get better while ever you are in this relationship.

Please think about getting away - it can't be good for the children either. Can you go to your own family or friends?

[NanaNina]

How are you mummyS - feel a bit worried about you after your last post and sorry if mine wasn't helpful. It's just that sometimes when people are being emotionally abused they can't see it, and think it is just normal behaviour. Anyway can you pop back on just so we know you're ok.

[MummySparkle]

Hi Nina, I'm fine - I wrote a long reply last night but I think the site was having issues and it didn't post for some reason

I was in work today for staff training. It felt so good to be back there staff training again tomorrow, looking forward to it.
I've spent the evening with my family. My aunt uncle and cousin live abroad and they cry back on Sunday, so we had a big family Chinese with them. I'm knackered!

Sertraline withdrawal is going okay. My head feels fine, but I've had horrible trapped wind all day and I've lost count of the number of times I've been for a poo I'm determined to do it though. It's not helping and I need it out of my system.

Things with DO we're better in the evening. He's sad that I've been out all day and he hasn't seen DD because DS is staying at MILs tomorrow night. I brought some Chinese home for him. Going to watch TV and snuggle then go to bed. I've got another early start!