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Original poster

help

397 replies

dottymum · 11/11/2006 03:38

Ive a 3 week old son, a four year old daughter, my husband left a couple of weeks ago.

The baby is lovely, I adore him. My four year old's behaviour is terrible. I got up to see to ds, dd woke up, screamed hystericallym demanded i went back to bed immediately. She is over demandingm jealous of the baby to an extreme.
to be honest i really dislike her at the moment. daddy doesnt want her ad she is begging to see him. he wont see her. I get the crap for it,

I feel like i want her to go live somewhere else. i really really dislike her. I know she had a lot of upset, it isnt her fault, its me. Im horrible.

What am I going to do, I love my childreb, i dont want to feel like this. I dont feel depressed as such, but Im not myself at all

Perhaps its better for them both if i gve hem up and go away

OP posts:
SillyMillysMummy · 03/12/2006 04:29

Hello Dottymum
I couldn't sleep so was looking through MN and saw this thread. I have skimmed through the thread and want to help in anyway I can. You know, I have been through some rough times with pnd but now I am through the other end, all that matters is the love of my dd and the love that I give to her. You can do this!! Millions of mothers out there are coping on there own, with everybodys help through MN you will be able to cope. Hugs and kisses from me and I am sure everybody on this thread.

SleepIsForTheWeak · 03/12/2006 04:29

Hi Dottymum,
I havent seen this thread before. AM having an insomniac night tonight - was up feeding DS and then couldn't get back to sleep worrying about things going on in my life. After ages of lying here I thought I would pop onto MN and see if anyone was chatting, and here you are.
I have read your thread, and am so impressed with you, I could identify with a lot of what you are going through.
Not surprised you dont feel strong - you have been through the mill. But, clearly, you are incredibly strong.
If the marriage does fail, at least you know you have done all you can, and you are being a brilliant parent. Your priorites are spot on.

You havent said much about DH but it sounds like he is the one not coping.

Just want you to know there is someone here.
x
I can sense the stregnth in your last post, the way you are dealing with this.

mamama · 03/12/2006 04:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
dottymum · 03/12/2006 04:41

thank yuou so much for being around! It is so good to know there are people at least there.

OP posts:
mamama · 03/12/2006 04:45
Smile
Original poster
dottymum · 03/12/2006 04:46

Where are you relocating from mamama? Im in the far east (dont want to be specific online).

My husband certainly isnt coping with much. When I tried to talk to FIL about it he just said I was to talk nicer and less agressively to dh. I pointed out I was a western woman, and if Im being given a lot of shit, I dont just sit there and go ummm yes, husband master sir. He can forget it.

My dd has the brit passport, but my son doesnt, he came out on a emergeny one which the silly immigration took when I entered the country and refused to return.

I was being spoken to like I was some kind of naughty/silly child, or as if I was stupid, and in front of his riends. I pointed out that although I was here, I wouldnt stand being humiliated in public and he certaily couldnt throw a paddy if I spulled him up on it.

Sadlyt cultural differences are far far too much, even after this long of marriage.

sorry...been here not even 2 weeks and my english has gone funny again

OP posts:
Original poster
dottymum · 03/12/2006 04:49

I know lots of people cope alone, but my brief foray into eingle parenthood before I came out here, didnt go too well. I so missed being able to have some help now and again, a bit of time out, someone to share the responsibilities with and to say to me ou go to sleep, Ill have the kids for a couple of hours. It made me eel so much better when I had that support.

I was so stressed I wasnt a good mum to dd when I was alone. I love my children more than anything. I want to be a really good mum. A loving mum. I worry alone Im not going to do a good job. Esp with two of them...and the boy will need a man around...I read raising boys and cried my heart out. My boy doesnt need me as much as a dad according to this psych/author...

OP posts:
mamama · 03/12/2006 04:58

I'm in the States, dottymama with a little DS.

I didn't realise you were having to cope with big cultural issues too. That's a difficult one to deal with. I don't blame you for not appreciating being spoken to like a naughty child. Poor you. {hug}

I hope the embassy can sort out a passport fairly quickly. I know that kind of thing can be a real pain. Hang on in there though.

You know where I am if you wnat to email.

SleepIsForTheWeak · 03/12/2006 05:00

{{{hugs}}}}

Is DH going to stay out there no matter what?
the cultural things sounds like a massive challenge!! Good for you, telling FIL how it is,none of that subservient bollocks.

You are a good mother, you have proven that. I know the idea of being a single mum is terrifying, but I think we all want the best for our kids - we want them to grow up happy, balalnced and respectful. If your DH treats you badly in front of DS, DS could pick up those bad qualities? Perhaps being a single mum is better for THEM. IYSWIM.

lol at your funny english though!

x

mamama · 03/12/2006 05:08

FWIW, my first few weeks of being a single mum weren't too pretty either! Lots of sitting all day crying, no matter how hard I tried not to. I was miserable and angry. And, I still am but am now able to get up, washed, dressed put on a brave face and go out for a while. I still have no help (no family etc) and it's sad not having someone to share things with but I'm coping. And you will too. You have lots of offers of MN help. Do you have any other practical help in RL? I know it's not the same as having a DH/DP there all the time, but it can still make your day easier.

I am also really struggling with the idea raising a boy without his dad. I strongly believe that boys need their daddies - I've seen the research too and it makes me very . Yet I know so many men who have grown up without a father and they're fine. Don't torture yourself about that. If your DS can't have both his parents around, what he needs most is a good mother. And, from what I've seen on this thread, you are a really good, loving mum. You are doing a great job.

mamama · 03/12/2006 05:24

Ok, got to go to bed now, DM. Take care of yourself & keep us posted. x

KezzaG · 03/12/2006 13:57

Hi dotty. I try not to be too harsh on your dh when I talk to you, but fgs enough is enough. He is acting apallingly and you need to put yourself first.

I for one am glad you are coming back, I think it is the best thing.

You know you can call me whenever, I havent spoken to you for ages and it would be nice to chat. I know the time difference makes it a bit hard but not impossible.

I have seen you with your dcs and the love you have for them is so obvious, you are such a good mum and you can make them both happy on your own. your ds can find role models at school or with friends dads, you dont have to worry about that based on one book you have read.

Read back to your first few posts and see how far you have come. Now you have made your mind up things can only keep getting better, you have come through thr worst, and although the times ahead will be tough you CAN do it.

Lots of love to all 3 of you, and good luck in getting back to UK. I realy look forward to seeing you when you get here.

lulumama · 03/12/2006 13:59

hi dotty.............have missed this thread....sorry.....glad to say you are sounding so much stronger and more in control....the kids need a male figure in their lives...doens't have to to be their biological father ..esp if you cannot live comfortably with him...concentrate on getting the kids and yourself to somewhere you can live happily.....you know how much support you can get.....well done you !! ((((hugs))))) lulu xxx

zippitippitoes · 03/12/2006 14:07

Hi Dotty

I think it is good that you took the opportunity to face things with dh and family out there

You have looked at the alternatives and if you do come nback to the UK then you have the what ifs behind you.

It will be a challenge but don't base the future for the dcs and particularly ds on a book.

Hope I can help if and when you do come back to the UK.

xxxx

SleepIsForTheWeak · 04/12/2006 10:26

Hi,

Just wondering how things are going for you?
Hope you are ok.

x

SleepIsForTheWeak · 07/12/2006 16:06

Hi,
How are you???
I keep thinking about you, hoping things are going well for you
x

Original poster
dottymum · 08/12/2006 10:55

not too good. After the `we will contact social services/try and trace her through mumsnet stuff I had after last time i admitted that, I dont feel able to talk about it.
I wont post again, but please dont worry about us. The children are loving being with their family, everyone is safe and sound
goodbye

OP posts:
GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 08/12/2006 11:00

dotty

hope #you can find someone to talk to

maybe off line is better?

love zippitippitoes

xxx

SleepIsForTheWeak · 08/12/2006 11:22

I have to admit, Dotty, that I thought those posts were heavy handed, and I fully understand why you say that.
They were acting out of concern but I dont think it came across well. They know now not to do anything like that, I am sure.
The most important thing is that you are ok, and the kids. It does sound like the worst is over, even though you have a way to go.
You could change your name and start a different more general thread if you wanted some support?
Look after yourself!
{hug}

stumpydogsbaubles · 08/12/2006 13:23

hello dotty,the first few months after childbirth is a very strange time, even with lots of help and support.it's not a good time to make any major decisions.perhaps you could just do whatever is easiest for you for the next few months until you are stronger ? whether that is staying in the far east or back in the uk. pls don't worry about not being a good mum. everyone makes mistakes. i have a young baby and very lively dd, and in the first few months i have found her liveliness irritating and just wanted time with the baby (or alone!) it's important that your dcs can grow up knowing that it's alright to make mistakes/not cope sometimes, and that life can still go on.hope this helps a bit

lulumama · 08/12/2006 13:25

absolutely dotty..........no-one will do anything like that...and it was suggested purely as we were so desperately concerned and wanting to help..and if helping means not doing that, then fine.........hope you do get some support and you and your family are well...xxx

clemsterdarcy · 02/02/2007 10:19

Any one heard from Dotty -- I know she said she wouldn't post here anymore?

Just hoping things have moved on to a more positive place for her ...?

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