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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 21:45

She is the Process Improvement Manager for a company that runs websites for takeaways. It's a British company but they outsourced a lot of stuff to India.

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Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 21:47

No, I've never been sectioned.

I love my children so much, they deserve a wonderful life and I just can't give it to them if I'm here. If I go then they get free of me & all my wretchedness.

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LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 21:48

Sounds an interesting job, but actually yours sounds much more interesting. Are you based in a hospital?

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 21:49

I've tried, I really have. I first called my GP on Mon morning.

I'm being so stupid. How many more signs do I need before I get the message?!

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Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 21:51

Yes, I work in Histopathology. It's tissue pathology - so any tissue removed from people, from tiny biopsies up to whole organs or limbs. Also Paediatric Pathology (losses before 24 weeks & placentas), and neuropathology (brain tumours etc)

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inmyshoos · 12/03/2015 21:55

criminy these are not signs or messages only a reflection on the state of the nhs. But there are lots of messages on here. Messages of support to keep you here. If a bunch of internet strangers desperately want you to get better then the people who know and love you in real life certainly do. You are ill my love. You just need a chance to get better.

I asked about being sectioned because sometimes it takes that to give you a complete break from any responsibility. A chance to get better.

Your children are wonderful and they deserve to have their lovely Mummy in their lives.

LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 21:57

How did you get into that field of work, Criminy? Is that what you wanted to be when you were a little girl Wink

inmyshoos · 12/03/2015 21:58

Your job sounds really interesting. How does being at work affect your mental health? Would you say you are better generally when at work or worse? I know being at home all day with the dc is not good for my mh at all.

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:05

I was studying Physics at uni but had to leave after first year for financial reasons. Needed a job & saw lab tech advertised. I'm only a Band 3, with no prospect of progression, but my job is very interesting. Although everyone we've taken on in the last few years have been graduates. Tried to finish my degree with OU but couldn't manage.

I've not been at work for ages. I went back last Jan (2014) from maternity leave & was doing a v long phased return using my leave up, then beginning of April I had a tonic-clonic seizure. Was off for a few weeks, then back on v limited duties, then in July I started having partial-complex seizures & work said I wasn't safe to work until seizures were under control.

My last seizure was 12th December 2014, I technically went back to work at beginning of Feb, but I've been on annual leave. I go back properly week after next.

So I'm not sure if I'm better or worse at work!

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Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:08

I'm not sure I'm ill though. I'm tending towards thinking that this is just how I am. That's why nothing works, because there's nothing actually wrong with me to make any better.

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LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 22:15

Oh, so you've been at home for a couple of years then? I'm guessing that might be a reason for feeling so low. What do you reckon?

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:19

I'm not sure. I'm angry with myself for not finishing my degree though. I tried to but then I had DS in 2010 & tbh DH wasn't very helpful (would not look after DS) & DS was a bit poorly.

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inmyshoos · 12/03/2015 22:22

When was the last time you remember feeling happy criminy

LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 22:25

And do you think you'd be feeling happier to be Criminy BSc(Hons)?
No, thought not . . . so don't be angry with yourself.

On the other hand, you did very well to find such a good job (and much more interesting than physics).

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:26

I'm not sure. I really struggle with knowing what emotions are. I'm not sure what happy is. I'm not sure I have emotions. I don't understand them.

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inmyshoos · 12/03/2015 22:28

Sorry to be blunt but can't help thinking being married to an inconsiderate twunt and being at home with 2 small dc and health issues is the main cause of how you are feeling.
You can get better Criminy. You have 2 lovely dc, supportive parents who love ypu and an interesting job. You have a good positive base to build upon.
Think back to when you felt happy.

inmyshoos · 12/03/2015 22:30

Ok if you dont remember feeling happy, do you remember when the thoughts around suicide started?

LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 22:31

That's an interesting post, Criminy. I'm not sure what happy is either. Sometimes, I feel happy looking back on something, but not at the time it was actually happening. Does that make sense?

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:33

I'm lucky in that we've kept the DC in nursery 2 days a week as normal while I've been off sick (I work part-time 3 days a week).

I honestly don't know when I've been happy. Logically, I would have been happy when my DC were born, but I don't remember what I actually felt.

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Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:35

I've had odd thoughts of suicide for years. They've been getting far more prevalent over the last month or so. They became unbearable a week ago.

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LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 22:39

I'm sure happiness is an over-rated 20th Century concept. Not so long ago people would have been content with food and shelter. And even today in parts of India, and the third world.

I just like being busy and being absorbed in stuff, and not wondering how I'm feeling.

LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 22:42

Okay, you obviously have a very logical brain. Are you prepared to accept that your current thoughts (prevalent for the last month or so) might just be temporary? And might pass in another month or so?

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 22:44

I don't think they are temporary though. They are the culmination of years of thoughts. It's inevitable.

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LammilyDoll · 12/03/2015 23:08

Yes, maybe it is inevitable one day. But not now, not tonight.

I'm going to bed right now, but will be thinking about you. I'm mostly at home tomorrow, so will check-in to talk some more at 8am.

You are taking the dog to the vets at 2pm, I think? And what about the GP appt that you made online? What time is that?

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 23:12

Thankyou for talking to me Flowers

Yep, dog is at vets at 2pm, my GP appt got cancelled because I saw him Tues instead.

Have a good night

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