I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

(It's Mrsminton. I've name changed sorry!)

Ask him to leave you with the team when they come and if you can't talk then they'll have your GPs referral and should be able to help you by asking you things.

I don't blame you not looking forward to time on your own. It doesn't sound like it's much fun!

Call the GP again lovely, they can chivvy the crisis team up a bit.

You are I'll sweetie, and the horrible thoughts are because of that. It's awful that we have to fight to get help, even when we're screaming out for it, but that's how the system is at the moment.

I've been thinking of you x

DH will be back any minute now. He had to leave early to pick DD up from nursery because she had 2 "loose nappies". She's teething, I can see her molars coming in. I've just realised that I don't look forward to him coming home/dread it. But I don't know if that's a real dread or just because then I can't go to the train line.

I've just realised that DH works in the railway sector. It hadn't occurred to me before. Maybe I need a new idea.

Not heard anything from anyone yet.

Thankyou all for being so lovely

Your poor DD. Are you all stocked up on go help / dentinox / calpol / stuff for her to chew? The last thing you need right now is a really fractious little one in the mix.

What have you got planned for dinner?

Forgive me for forgetting, do you have a phone number for the crisis team? It might be possible to look one up online and give them another try x sending lots of love x

(can I just say v quickly that the train-line causes life-long trauma for train-drivers, many give up their jobs after an "incident")

Been away from computer, so just caught up. Hoping the crisis team have turned up.

I think ILs are still going to have both DC tonight. DD has been v, v clingy to me recently, so with no DC here tonight I should have the opportunity to sleep. I've been struggling with sleep though.

I just popped to the shop up the road & got some fresh pasta & pasta sauce. Was going to do lamb curry & so bought lamb, but forgot garam masala & naan breads. Can't see the point in doing a big shop, I don't know what DH & the kids will want & I hopefully won't be here. Will see if we have dinner tonight - last night DH said he didn't want anything so I didn't bother doing anything.

What is everyone else having?

I don't have a number for the crisis team & my GP is closed now. The GP said the crisis team would definitely call first. Not heard anything so I'm guessing if they do turn up today it'll be very late. Does anyone know how late they might come?

Oh crap, really? From what DH has said over the years I just thought that train drivers were kind of accepting of it. It seems to happen every day. I think I have an odd mindset to bodies etc because I work in cellular pathology anyway though. I just thought it had the highest chance of success.

It can be late I believe.

Have you eaten? And have the DC gone to sleep over?

The crisis team just called. Somebody will give me a ring in the morning to arrange an appointment.

I fucking give up.

DC have gone to ILs, haven't eaten cod DH didn't want anything. He's pissed at me cos there was talk of going to see a band tonight but then I don't feel up to it and was waiting for phone call.

Oh Criminy. That's awful. Did they ask you anything?

She asked me if I'd be in all day tomorrow - I said I have to take the dog to the vet at 2pm. Then she said someone would call me tomorrow to arrange an appointment. That was it.

Ok. Please don't give up. I know this is not good but it can be sorted.

I just don't know what to do.

Get some rest tonight. Have a shower or bath and try and sleep while your DC are away for the night. In the morning when they ring tell them you need seeing because you are fighting these unhelpful thoughts.

Criminy, you don't have to do anything. In fact you need to do nothing.
You are not alone, as we are all here for you, dozens of us. x

I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm aching to do it. But I'm scared in case it goes wrong. But then I'm scared to be stuck like this too. So I just need to [wo]man up and try it.

I am so sorry that you are having a tough time. There is help out there, things can get better, you can feel ok again with the right help. Go to your GP and ask for help and tell him/ her what you are going through. ask for an emergency appointment with your local mental health team. Ask for counselling/ psychologist input. Take a look at Acceptance and Commitment Therapy its a new branch of cognitive therapy it combines mindfulness and behaviour change strategies and the research suggests it is helpful with many people who suffer from depression and also anxiety....do this under a psychologist so they can support you with learning the strategies. It sounds like you could benefit from this approach (I'm speaking from personal experience). Speak to your GP about your meds and whether things need revising. If there is anything you can keep with you that reminds you how important it is that you don't act on your thoughts...eg a picture of your beautiful children then keep that in your pocket. Your babies need their mummy and it is possible for you to feel better with the right help....the depression just makes that hard to see...IT CAN GET BETTER :)

But you're not going to be stuck like this, are you?
Let's find a way to give you a break from your Not-so-dear H first of all, and then see how you feel after that.

I'm not saying you mustn't ever do what you are thinking about - just not right now, not tonight.

Are you able to talk to anyone on the phone this evening, Criminy?

Have you ever called the Samaritans? The number is 08457 909090

My kids would be better off without me. That's what makes me so selfish - I should just get on with it & allow everybody to get on with their lives and be happy. I don't add anything to anybody's lives, I'm just a drain.

I can't really talk to anybody on the phone because DH would probably hear.

I know I used to have some craft blades somewhere but I still can't find them.

I can't see any other way out. I ache.

Well, I think you are probably wrong about your kids being better off without you, but I'm not going to argue about that. I will respect your views.

So, if you can see that they'll cope, somehow, without you, then how about arranging a break for yourself? Phone your mum, and ask her to collect you. Tell her it's an emergency. You are her very precious daughter, and she deserves a chance to help you.

I genuinely can't call my mum tonight, she's down south to see my great aunt & then pick my sister up from the airport. Sister has worked in India for the last 2 years, she only comes home for a couple of weeks a few times a year.

That's interesting! May I ask what your sister does?

Criminy everyone wouldn't go on and be happy without you. Everyone who loves you would grieve and mourn for a long time, possibly the rest of their lives.
Your babies need you.
I am so raging at the crisis team on your behalf. I mean ffs talk about broken promises.
Have you ever been sectioned (detained I think they call it now) Criminy