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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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MrsEvadneCake · 12/03/2015 23:17

Sorry to have not been about much tonight Criminy.

Please look after yourself. Lammily is right as are all the other posters. We all are here for you. Flowers

Original poster
Criminy · 12/03/2015 23:20

No need to apologise at all.

I can't believe the support I am getting, it's incredible, so thankyou all.

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MrsEvadneCake · 12/03/2015 23:22

You deserve it.

I hope you get some sleep. I'll pop in tomorrow x

skorpion · 12/03/2015 23:23

Criminy, I have just read your thread and didn't want to just read and run. You have some great support on here, so please keep in touch.

I have no experience of this, but as I read your first post I recalled a really touching interview on Radio 4 with a guy (a mental health worker) who went through similar. The place he got help (and what the interview was about) was Maytree www.maytree.org.uk

I know you are waiting for somebody to see you tomorrow but I just thought this might be an option as well.

Apologies if this is not appropriate. I hope you have a good night. Flowers

MummySparkle · 13/03/2015 06:26

Morning Criminy

I hope you managed to get some decent sleep last night. How are you feeling this morning?

What are your plans for the day? Do you have any hobbies that you could do to pass time until crisis team call or you have to take the dog to the vet? I've even found kids colouring books to be quite therapeutic and distracting.
Flowers

MrsEvadneCake · 13/03/2015 06:56

Morning Criminy.

Annietheacrobat · 13/03/2015 08:06

Another morning from here. Hope you managed to get some rest.

Good luck for the day. Another day closer to feeling back to 'normal'. Will be thinking of you.

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 08:09

Good morning Criminy, and everyone else! It's a very wet morning here, but dry later.

How far away is the vets, Criminy? I have a picture of you staggering under the weight of a large labrador with a bad leg Grin. Tell me that's not so!

BisleyBoy · 13/03/2015 09:18

skorpion my psych actually recommended the maytree foundation to me yesterday. Do you live in London criminy? Because that's where it is. It's a large house where people who feel suicidal can go to get some rest, talk about things, have meals made for them etc. You can stay there for about 4-5 days and it's free. Even if you don't live in London criminy maybe you live close enough or maybe you can try to find something like it in your area?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 09:19

Morning.

I looked at that Maytree link but it's in London & I'm a long way from London. Thankyou for the thought though.

I don't really have any hobbies. So much needs doing around the house, & I have time now but I just can't face any of it. I'll be back at work the week after next and I know I'll regret not using this time to get stuff done. But then I'm not sure I'll be here to regret it. DH is mad that I haven't been doing very much.

The vets is a couple of miles away. They gave me the number

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Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 09:21

Ooff, posted too soon.

They gave me the number of d taxi company that will take dogs. I need to call them to sort a taxi out. I hate the phone.

I might walk back if the weather holds out though.

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 09:28

How do you feel about returning to work, Criminy? Will it be good to be busy? And to be with other adults?

And can you get there by public transport, or will that be difficult?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 09:42

I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm a bit nervous because there's lots of new people and there's some aspects of my job that I haven't been able to do for a couple of years. Morale has been so low there for a few years too, too much work not enough time, people being screwed over & a blame culture. It makes me feel weird being taught how to do my job by somebody who's only been there a year when I've been there for 7 years. But a lot has changed.

Every time I've started back after a long absence I have had panic attacks. It's the only time I've ever had them. And my manager was not happy last time, she said it was disruptive to the rest of the team. Even though i didn't bother anybody.

Getting there will be a pain cos I can't drive anymore. So DH has to give me a lift to the train station, then I get a train for half an hour, then walk across the city to the bus station, then get a bus out to the hospital. I start work at 9am & have to get the 0726 train. Then the same on the way back, although if DH can't pick me up from the station I have to walk the 2 miles home.

It's a pain & costs a fortune. I've worked it out & taking new commuting costs & nursery costs into account we're paying about £15 a day for me to work. As in, it costs £15 a day more than I take home. It seems like so much effort for no reward. But I'm scared that if I leave my job I won't ever get another in the future.

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Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 09:50

Crisis team just called, someone's going to come at about 11am.

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 09:54

The economics will change in a couple of years though, won't they? Once both DC are at school, childcare costs will be much lower.

Does the hospital have a travel co-ordinator? I'm wondering if there's a car-share database, to match up employees traveling from the same direction. Even if it was just one day a week, it might make your commute a bit easier.

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 09:55

Yay for the Crisis Team!
If you don't feel able to talk, perhaps you could show them this thread?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 10:00

That's the thing - depending on what school DS gets into (he starts this year), I'm not sure if I can still work. If he gets into our first choice they have before & after school clubs, so we'll have to pay out for those. If he gets into 2nd or 3rd I have no idea how we're going to manage because one only has a breakfast club & the other has no provision at all. And I can't find any childminders who will work late enough. Feels like I'm going to be forced to give up work anyway.

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 10:40

I can see that choice of school will complicate matters. When will you receive the letter?

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 11:03

I think it's 16th April. His first choice school will be tricky until I drive again anyway though, but as long as I don't have any more seizures I should be able to get my licence back on 12th December.

I think DH slept in one of the kid's rooms last night. He went to bed v early, about 9:30pm. Then when I went to bed later he got up & went to the toilet, then I heard him closing curtains in DCs rooms, then I assume I fell asleep. Just assumed he'd come back to bed. He wasn't in bed when his alarm went off this morning but I just figured he was already up. But just went into DS's room & there's the spare double duvet & pillows on the floor. Think he's mad at me.

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 11:15

Perhaps he is mad at you, I don't know.

But perhaps he's mad at himself, for being unable to help you. And perhaps he's frightened, at being unable to cope. You are both very young*, I guess, and this is a lot to deal with.

Right, I'm going for a shower now, and then I hope to hear that the Crisis Team have been.

  • I mean young compared to me Wink
inmyshoos · 13/03/2015 11:58

I'm hoping your dh is trying to let you sleep undisturbed rather than being mad at you? Would be very unfair to be mad at someone for being ill.

I hope it is going ok with the crisis team.
Sorry haven't been on much I am away this weekend and been packing and sorting car. Not enough hours in day.

Thinking of you Criminy Flowers

Original poster
Criminy · 13/03/2015 12:13

Crisis team have been. They're going to arrange to get me some diazepam & get a doctor to come see me at the beginning of next week.

Diazepam's never done a thing for me I'm the past, but it gives me an option other than the train tracks, I can just mix it with my other meds.

I feel like they're daring me to do it.

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LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 12:16

And we're daring you NOT to do it! So listen to US not THEM

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 12:30

Criminy, I don't know much about you, only what you've told us on this thread.
But it's blindingly obvious that there's lots of stressful stuff going on in your life right now, including:

  • being "stuck at home" (ie not through choice)
  • very little adult company
  • poor relationship with "D"H
  • not driving at the moment
  • poor physical health (epilepsy, bad back)
  • poor mental health
  • worried about return to work
  • uncertainty about DS school

And no doubt there is more! But THESE THINGS WILL PASS. Believe me, everything changes in time.

So, Criminy you have a scientific mind. You know you feel crap at the moment. You can't know how much of this is caused by the above factors. You don't know how you will feel when some of these problems are sorted out.

Please hang on in there, just for a bit longer. We are here to support you.

And when circumstances change, you'll still have the option to "do it" - if you still want to.

Stay strong, Criminy Flowers

LammilyDoll · 13/03/2015 12:32

I'm popping out now for a couple of hours, to pick up some plants.
Good luck at the vets!