I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

First thing is to talk to the crisis team. Tell them you want the obsessive thoughts about ending your life to be sorted out.

I just wanted you to see that you can get well. You feel it's never going to change but if he is one of the factors and you've been together since so young then that won't have helped in the past. Your relationship with him can be sorted after you are feeling better. Just be aware of the fact that he is likely to be one of the reasons you are feeling so low. When you are feeling more supported you'll feel less confused and you can talk to women's aid or your own counsellor about your relationship as part of getting well.

No, no, thankyou very much. It's quite a daunting prospect, but has actually given me a little bit of hope.

I'm so proud of you and there is hope. Honestly.

Thankyou so much

keep talking to us as much as you need x

I'm off to bed now. I'll pop in tomorrow and see how you are doing. Like everyone has said we are here and listening.

I hope you get some sleep.

Thankyou

sending love x

Criminy: it's not you. It's him.

He is not reacting as a normal loving person would in this situation. I would be at my wits end and desperate to help if my DH felt as you do. He chooses to abuse you instead.

No wonder you are ground down and confused.

Imagine a life where you are not made to feel like something scraped off his shoe. That life has so much more to offer you.

Could you let your mum in on what's happening! Let her help you and protect you from your DH?

My mum hates DH anyway. When he had the massive shouty rant at me last year (when he told me I make his life a misery & I should go jump off a bridge) I went to my parents' with the kids. Stayed there for a week then talked with DH and went back home. She's been trying to get me to leave him since. She wants me & the kids to go live with her. I just can't though, not if I don't absolutely have to.

Criminy - are you sure that this isn't the time when you 'absolutely have to' ?

I just want someone to give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be ok. Because it will be.

How did you leave it with the crisis team? Are they coming today?

Morning Criminy.

I think now might be the time lovely, like Annie said. You need support and your mom is offering it. I know you want it to be a last resort but when you are lost and confused and planning your end then you've reached a place where you need to let others help you get well.

I can't believe what he said. It's unbearable unkind and abusive and I wish I could hold your hand and give you a hug.

Please think about telling her today how bad things are. You've done so much to stay here. This would help.

The crisis team are supposed to be calling me this morning in order to come out today. I'll believe it when I see it.

Before, DH said he would leave if I asked him to. I think that's an improvement on last year when he wouldn't let me or the kids into "his" house (it's jointly owned), & he said he would quit his job so he didn't have to pay child support. And I guess that's the thing, the children have whatever they need here, but he earns so much more than I do.

I'll keep going to my mum's as a back-up, but the practicalities would be very difficult, especially because I now can't drive. And part of me thinks that with all this going on it'd be good to keep the kids' routines. Ah, I don't know. I seem to say that a lot. I think I'm lost.

Ok. How about you at least tell your mom what's happening? That way if you need to go she will be ready? Then your back up plan is in place. That always helps me; to know what I'll do if I can't manage.

Then see what the crisis team say.

I told my mum I've been struggling. She's (& dad) are happy to have us whenever we want. If it comes to that.

It's well over 24 hours now since the crisis team said somebody would call me in the morning to sort out coming to see me today. I don't know where else to turn to. There's nothing. I knew I couldn't be helped.

you say you dont want to go to your mums unless you absolutely have to.

How much worse do you think it needs to get? x

the crisis team being shit is because of funding. It isnt because you cant be helped. Its because you have to fight for your help, which you wont always feel like doing, but unless youre paying privately (and most people cant do that) then its a case of keeping on at them, and using the support that your family are offering you.
You need to realise when youre doing the stinkin thinkin thing, and do what needs to be done. The good feelings about it can come later.
You know this, because youve been doing it already.

Hello there.
Could you contact your gp to speed up things? My gp told me to come and see her and she will contact them.

I could end up homeless with the kids, I guess. Trouble is, if I go to my mum's I won't be able to get to work, the kids won't be able to go to their nursery, my ILs have the kids Thurs eve-Fri eve, and my mum's house is about a 2 hour drive from them.

I guess a bit I'm 29, I don't want to move back in with my folks, that seems like failing even more. Plus I don't want to lose my money that's in the house.

I'm not even sure it matters. I want to die. But I'm scared I'll mess it up & not be able to try again. I suppose at least now I have the hope of death.

What's "stinkin thinkin"?

My GP referred me to crisis team on Mon morning. He called me yesterday, just after they called me & was disappointed that I hadn't been seen. He said to call him today if I don't hear back from them. I don't know what time he meant though.

I'm sorry for this whole mess, truly.

Criminy how you doing? Did the crisis team ring yet? If not please call your gp before another day passes.

Been thinking about you all day. Following thread although havent posted before. Hope you are ok.

I rang the GP surgery & left a message for my GP. 5 minutes later he called me back saying he'd spoken to the crisis team & they are definitely coming today, and they will ring before they come. Really hoping they get here before DH comes home, I'm going to struggle even more to get myself across to them if he's here too.

I keep walking up & down the road that leads to the train line. I want to go there so badly but keep getting images of it going horribly wrong.

Criminy well done for ringing the GP. Help will be there for you. You can beat these feelings.

Well done for ringing Criminy.
If your dh gets home before they get out perhaps you could ask him to occupy the dc in another room whilst you talk. I wouldn't think it is fair to expect you to talk with him there. I wouldn't like that either.

You can do this Criminy.

DC are going to my ILs tonight, they go most Thurs. DH usually does his hobby tonight too, but he's not tonight as he's doing it tomorrow eve. So it will just be me & him by ourselves. Not looking forward to it tbh, I know that makes me an even worse person.

How am I supposed to talk with him here? I struggle enough anyway when he's not here. What if I can't talk?

Just ask him to make himself scarce. Say you need to talk without an audience. I think if he has an issue with this it says a lot about him not you.
You can do this.