Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 08:32

In the absence of your nurse, you still have us Grin

Anxiety - that seems a perfectly normal reaction to me. If "something" was threatening to make me dead, I'd be more than anxious!

So, it's those thoughts which need sorting out. Preferably getting rid of them altogether, or at least learning to deal with them, when they occur.

LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 11:00

Ahem . . MrsCake . . . I want a little word with you!

So I went outside with my bubbles, and had lots of fun for 5 minutes.

Then an hour later, I noticed there were bubbles everywhere, like weird alien eggs. On the plants, on the paving, on my newly oiled bench, even hovering in the air. And when you touch them, they collapse into slimy little condoms Shock

I completely forgot buying Magic Bubbles several years ago!

Original poster
Criminy · 16/04/2015 13:56

I used to know how to make catchable bubbles, but I cant remember. I'll have to google, I think it was very simple.

I've told them I don't want to move wards. They seemed ok with that. I said that I couldn't stop thinking about which train track to go to, so was not sure about being on an open ward. Had a quick chat with DH last night about it & he agrees - the only positive is a different consultant, but there are lots of quite serious negatives.

Given that the ward they're talking about is just downstairs, I don't see why I can't just have that other consultant here. It's literally a 2 min walk between wards.

It seems very short-staffed here at the moment. I don't feel very safe. I'm on level 3 obs, so should be checked a minimum of every 15 mins. But yesterday evening was left for just over 1.5 hours again. And it's been more like every 30 mins + today. I think that if they actually were checking every 15 mins then I wouldn't have attempted to kill myself last week, and I wouldn't have come very close/started to then managed to fight it off, like I have this week. I believe it takes longer than 15 mins for my mental state to deteriorate to that point, so they should've noticed.

I've seen them filling in the obs sheets though - they just block sign a load of time slots at the same time. It seems mostly made up.

Last night wasn't great either because there was 1 female registered nurse & 5 male bank nurses, none of whom spoke very good English.

OP posts:
Original poster
Criminy · 16/04/2015 13:57

Oh, and DS got into first choice primary school, which is good. Just hope we made the right choice.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 14:39

Excellent news about the school!
And sensible decision to stay upstairs. Good girl!

LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 14:45

Interesting comment about "fighting it off", Criminy. Is that sheer will-power?

I've also been wondering about your epilepsy. It came on very suddenly, at a stressful time in your life. Is it expected to be permanent, or might it just spontaneously disappear? Has the reduced dosage made any noticeable difference yet, either to the epilepsy or to the "bad thoughts"?

MrsEvadneCake · 16/04/2015 16:05

Great news about the first choice school Smile

LD...sorry but I'm still laughing about that Grin

Criminy it sounds like you are making great choices and understanding how your urges are behaving more. I'm really amazed and proud of you. I think asking for the different consultant to just pop up is not an unreasonable request. Might be worth a try. I saw the squirrel on our fence this morning and thought of you. This one has s huge tail and hides in the tree when Cakecat goes out.

Original poster
Criminy · 16/04/2015 17:37

Just hoping the school suits DS. We had quite a lot of choice. There are (I think I'm remembering right) 5 schools closer to us than the one we chose!

"Fighting it off" meant fighting the urge off I guess - pulling off what I was tying around my neck.

The neurologist has said that I probably have TLE. My MRI & EEG were both clear, but he said they often are. He just said that my seizures are consistent with TLE, so we're going with TLE. Nobody's said if it's permanent or not, I hadn't really thought about it long-term. In the medium-term I decided I wasn't going to try coming off the anti-seizure meds just to see if I still get seizures or not because that's another year without my driving licence if I do, and I wasn't prepared to risk that.

So far there's been no noticeable difference in anything, I don't think. I guess it can take a few days for levels to sort out?

Thankyou MrsE (incidentally, what is your preferred name shortening?) that means a lot. Can't believe I've been here a month. Do you really think I've made some progress? Because I just feel like I've been basically treading water.

I saw the squirrel out of my window again this morning. I say "the", for all I know there could be lots of squirrels that I just think are the same one! Saw him digging at the ground. In my head he's called Neville.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 17:45

"Treading water" is better than drowning!

LammilyDoll · 16/04/2015 18:02

And that wasn't another suggestion, by the way Blush

MrsEvadneCake · 16/04/2015 19:05

Neville is a great squirrel name. Ours looks like a Sid.

You wouldn't have untied it yourself last time. You are moving forward. It feels like treading water because you're in the same space and routine. You sound more analytical and thoughtful about your illness and less lost and desperate. Your posts have changed.

I'm not sure what name shortening I prefer. Thank you for asking though. Evadne or MrsC sound comfy.

Original poster
Criminy · 17/04/2015 20:41

Not having a very good day. I don't know why. My arm's bruised again.

Just went down for the last cigarette run. Took my purse down because I was planning on running away & going to the train tracks.

Halfway through my cig I threw my purse at the HCA who took me down & told him he needed to hold it.

So stupid. Now I'm just dragging it all out again. Idiot.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 17/04/2015 21:04

Did the suggestion about moving wards unsettle you, do you think?

MrsEvadneCake · 17/04/2015 21:06

Criminy you did the right thing.

Getting well is similar to how aeroplanes fly to a destination...Bear with me...they don't go in a straight line from point a to point b. At any time they can be off their flight path by some degree but they turn and adjust according to wind, air traffic, weather etc. They still get to their destination. It's just not a direct route. The deviations are necessary. Now here comes the message bit....
You are getting there. It's bumpy and there are better days than others. But you are moving forward none the less.

This sounds great in my head and makes sense. Confused

LammilyDoll · 17/04/2015 21:17

Criminy will understand your analogy, Evadne. She knows about vectors and all sorts of complicated stuff Grin

MrsEvadneCake · 17/04/2015 21:22

Grin I can do ratio now! I learnt it this week with some year 6 pupils!

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 19:27

Having another crap day. All I can think about is breaking through the doors & running to the train tracks.

I asked one of the nurses if I could have a chat. She said in a bit, a bit later a different nurse came for a chat. She said had I had my PRN meds, which I had, but I've been saying for weeks they don't do anything. Then she said I needed to distract myself. I'd already tried reading, music, colouring, tv, cross-stitch. Can't concentrate enough, I'm too het-up. And that's about all she had to say really.

She did ask why I wanted to do it. I told her I don't want to, but I have to, it's a compulsion. I don't think she grasped the difference.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 19:47

What level are you on at the moment, Criminy? Does it need to be increased? Would that make you feel safer?

LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 19:51

Sorry, that wasn't very clear. I meant observation level, not level of meds.

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 19:51

I'm on level 3. If they do me level 3 properly then that should be good enough.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 19:53

Have you told anyone about your specific plan? Because I think you need to.

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 20:31

I told her, she just said I wouldn't get anywhere because the downstairs doors are locked. Which I think is secretly why its best to run from a fag break, or a journey down to the rec room, as they're nearer.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 20:33

Err, she didn't mean for you to take that as a challenge!!!

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 20:49

Somebody else asked a doc if there was anything else I could take for the anxiety, because lorazepam doesn't do anything. Apparently there's nothing else they can give because of my epilepsy.

I am now genuinely starting to think that I do want to die. Or at least to run away. I can't cope with having these thoughts/compulsions all the time.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 20:51

If you run you'll end up out breathe and knackered!! Or is that just me???

Just stay put. If they don't come and check on you often enough then go and find one of them.