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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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Original poster
Criminy · 14/04/2015 21:57

That's what I keep telling them. - that it might just be a timing coincidence. They don't have any faith in the doctor at all, they're trying to get me a different one.

Everyone keeps misunderstanding me though - people keep asking when is it that I feel like hurting/killing myself? How do I feel? But that's not right - I don't want to kill myself, but when the thoughts get really bad they take over & I get compelled to kill myself, no choice, no feeling.

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LammilyDoll · 14/04/2015 22:01

You explain yourself very clearly to us, Criminy, so just keep repeating it them them. They'll get it, eventually.

LammilyDoll · 14/04/2015 22:05

I probably shouldn't say this, but . . . you can understand why people used to think of mental illness as "being possessed by evil spirits". Is that how you are experiencing it, would you say?

MrsEvadneCake · 14/04/2015 22:43

It must be hard work getting people to understand when you are still trying to understand it yourself. Like LD said just keep telling them what you can.

Original poster
Criminy · 14/04/2015 22:45

Oh I totally understand why people used to say it was evil spirits. I suppose it does look like that. I've thought of it before as if the bad thoughts live at the back of my head, and through the day they put out tendrils etc towards the rest of my brain, but I can usually fight them back by distracting myself etc. But as I get more tired, and the thoughts get stronger, they just creep forwards & I can't push them back. Then they just come over all my brain. But they're insidious, they change the way I think - I start thinking that people are better off without me etc.

Please Note - I do not actually believe in spirits, this is not a symptom of my mental illness.

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LammilyDoll · 14/04/2015 23:00

That description makes a lot of sense! Different regions of our brain carry out different functions, so it seems obvious that they'll be active in different proportions at different times.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could just take a little biopsy, and send it off to the Path Lab . . .

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 17:38

One of the nurses just came to see me & told me that there's a bed on a different ward available for me tomorrow. It's a "recovery ward", so apparently people closer to going home. They spend lots of time at the day hospital doing courses on "managing depression & anxiety, goal-setting, coping with low mood, cookery basics...she said the other big thing about it is that I'll be under a different consultant. She said it's completely up to me, I can stay on the ward I'm on now if I like, she knows that I don't cope well with change.

I don't want to move. I don't think it's a very good idea. I found out from somebody else that this new ward is an open ward, so you can come & go as you please. I then spent a while trying to work out whether to go to the train line a few miles south of here, or whether to just get the bus back up to near where I live & go to the bit of track that I know I can definitely access.

I don't know why I need a recovery ward. I don't really think I'm recovering. And I really, really don't want to have to go to all those bloody courses.

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LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 18:46

You wouldn't be safe there, would you? So it's a no-brainer.

MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 18:49

I think staying on your ward is a better choice you're right.

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 20:56

I've told them I'm not sure about moving wards. They said that's fair enough, but I don't have to decide until tomorrow, so maybe sleep on it.

Have I told you about one of the ladies in my dorm? She's in the bed opposite me. She's obviously very ill. She rants about God, demons, Angels, God-dogs...& sometimes her language is just awful. She's just pointed at me and said "oh and there's Gabriel's shag, he only likes your skin-form cos you've got big tits!" Not sure what to think of that!

She's the same woman who has issues with poo - yesterday our dorm sink was covered in it . Staff kept telling her to clean it up, but she didn't. I offered to clean it if they'd give me gloves, cloth & bleach (at least that way I'd know it had been cleaned properly, with bleach), but they wouldn't let me. A nurse ended up cleaning it.

She was pacing all around, in & out, the dorm last night, letting the dorm slam behind her every time, ranting away, sometimes quite aggressively. Until 2am. Well, she might've carried on but I had a full dose of zopiclone at 1:30am!

What's everyone else been up to? X

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LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 21:03

Poor woman - and poor nurses, and poor you for having to put up with it!

I've been spending lots of time in the garden, rearranging plants. It's fairly new, and some of them have not survived the winter frosts. And others have changed colour, so they clash with adjacent plants Confused

I shall go out slug-hunting in a few minutes Grin

MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 21:32

Poor woman. Poor you too. So unsettling.

I've been back to work this week. Readers and liaising with mentors and a very interesting course on relationships and how people speak in different love languages. (Not as hippy dippy as it sounds!) I'm taking bubbles in for my lunch club tomorrow. We shall run about the field with them Grin

LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 21:58

Oooh, I have some bubbles in the cupboard. I'm going to run about the garden, probably in my nightie Blush. If anyone sees me, I shall say "Evadne made me do it!" Grin

LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 22:01

Evadne, do these "love languages" have names? What's the one where he ignores you all evening, but fixes your bike? Hmm

MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 22:14

Do blame me LD. I'd join you if I was nearer Grin

Actually yes!!! There are five ways we express love and how we understand we are loved. One of which is through actions.

There are
•love words: saying I love you. You are amazing.
•token gifts: little tokens received like flowers.
•touch: holding hands, cuddles, hair stroking.
•time spent together: just walking, talking, having their undivided attention
•acts of service: making you a cup of tea because you're busy/tired, fixing your bike because they know you want it. Getting your washing out and drying it because you're in a rush.

Once you know what your language is and your partners is then you can find it easier to communicate. Everyone has a dominant one and then places less importance on the others.

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 22:19

Ooh, how do you hunt your slugs?

I wonder what my garden's like? Is my pear tree in blossom? Has DH actually been picking up the dog poo?!

Bubbles for lunch break sounds perfect!

A small group of us have been painting nails while singing along to various songs including Green Day Basket Case!

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MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 22:22

I love that song! Smile

What colour is pear blossom?

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 22:50

Pear blossom is white. It really brightens the garden up from its dismal winter state. I guess I'm missing spring, really.

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MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 22:56

Ah thank you. We have pink blossom trees down the road that are just starting to bud. Hopefully it'll be the last one you miss Criminy. next spring you'll be well and out in your garden.

LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 23:00

Okay . . . so spending time together, killing slugs, is actually an expression of love, yes?

Criminy, it involves a torch and a jamjar of boiling salty water Grin Poor catch tonight, only 11.

You'll all be fascinated to know that in Somerset, snails are a local delicacy Mendip Wallfish

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 23:01

I can see some pink blossom trees from my window. I got very excited the day I saw a squirrel on them!

I'm not sure, I've been here a month & don't seem to be that different to how I was when I got here.

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LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 23:05

Criminy, we can all see a difference. You are now able to articulate your thoughts, instead of saying "I don't know" all the time.

MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2015 23:06

And you handed in items that you knew were a problem and chose to stay there safe.

Slug hunting together is definitely love Grin

I'm off to the land of nod. Sleep tight both x

LammilyDoll · 15/04/2015 23:09

Part of that time has been spent with them getting to know you, and understanding what's going on inside your head. And now they are trying to deal with it by adjusting your medication. That's all progress!

Have you actually done any SH in the last few days? I know you've felt the urge, but have you acted on it? Or are you feeling a bit calmer?

Original poster
Criminy · 15/04/2015 23:47

I think I sort of see your points - I really am trying though. But my god it's difficult. They haven't really spoken to me that much. My named nurse changed & then changed back again but it didn't make any difference because I haven't had a 1:1 with any nurse for a long time.

I've been hitting my arm, I can't not, if that's what you mean? I think that what I mainly get anxious about is the compulsion to kill myself. I've been trying to go & have some lorazepam when I can feel my anxiety rising, which is generally when the thoughts start to overcome my head. Not sure it does anything, but I figure it shows willing.

Thankyou everyone, hope you have a good night's sleep

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