I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Having someone there as distraction sounds both helpful and safe. Like the others have said just keep telling them what you can. Maybe psychotherapy will help unpick where this urge to not be here comes from.

My mum came to evening visiting yesterday & asked to speak to somebody. So two nurses took mum & me into a room & mum basically let rip at them. About how she thinks they've made me worse since I've been here, they've not taken my Aspergers into account at all, their working diagnosis is EUPD but that's blatantly a case of picking a diagnosis & trying to make the symptoms fit, the consultant meeting was obviously just for show as it was obvious that she'd already made up her mind about what she was going to say...

Then another nurse has just taken me to one side & said DH has just called them saying pretty much the same things (although she didn't say "the same things", I don't think she knows mum talked to someone yesterday), & apparently he was asking for a different consultant, but apparently the only way to do that is to move wards.

I just don't agree with the working diagnosis. Unfortunately because it's a psychiatric problem the fact that I disagree with it just appears to make them more certain that that's what the problem is.

The nurse who just told me about DH said she's going to try to get my named nurse (who has randomly just changed) to talk to me and explain about EUPD this afternoon.

From the Rethink website:

Extreme reactions to abandonment, whether real or perceived - I just cannot think of any examples of this

A pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships with others - DH & I have been married for 10 years, I have few friends but those that I do have I mostly see once a month or so & have done for years.

Unstable self-image or sense of self - not 100% sure what this means, but I am a voluntary patient in here

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are damaging (for example, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.) - just no. I like the odd cream cake or chocolate bar too many so I'm a size 16, but so is half the population.

Recurring suicidal behaviour, threats, self-harming - I have had this but would like to point out that at no point have I actually wanted to out of free choice, I have thoughts/compulsions about it, NOT the feeling that I want to.

Long lasting feelings of emptiness - not sure what it means because it's a feeling so would guess no

Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger (for example, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - I'm the opposite, I very very rarely get angry, I have a very long fuse & have never been in a physical fight in my life.

Intense, highly changeable moods - the opposite, I frequently lack mood

Stress related paranoid thoughts - I say no but by it's nature that will prove the answer yes so I can't win.

I'm really glad your mom and DH have spoken up about the diagnosis. I think your Aspergers is important in this because it does make things harder to explain and you do need routine and order to feel comfortable (I presume: my DS does)
where would you have to move wards to?

Can you show the nurses your last post? Also maybe have a look at MH charities in your area. They may be able to have someone to act as an advocate for you x

Go, CriminyMum, go!!!

It's been an odd few days. Had ward round this afternoon, my mum came along. It didn't go brilliantly, the consultant called my mum a liar, my mum called the consultation a complete farce & the consultant a dangerous idiot. Then mum walked out.

I stayed & asked if I could please start amitriptyline again, because since stopping it my back/leg pain & sleep have both gotten worse. She agreed & wrote it down.

A couple of hours later I was talking to one of the nurses, & he asked me if my meds had been changed. I said I don't think so, only amitriptyline added back. The consultant didn't even mention the possibility of changing any other meds. The nurse said we might as well get my drug card & look. She's cut my lamotrigine (for my epilepsy) by 1/3 (& was cut by 1/4 last week) cutting my night-time dose completely out & doubled my quetiapine (still not sure what that's for). I burst into tears. I don't want seizures back. Why didn't she tell me? I still haven't seen a neurologist fgs (that's one of the arguments from my ward round). I cried for quite a while.

Told DH about my meds, he was furious. He called the ward, spoke to the nurse in charge. Long & short of it is the duty psychiatrist is supposed to come up & will "hopefully" agree to either reverse the decision or at least prescribe me some lamotrigine for tonight.

Also in the last few days I've been getting increasingly fed up of being in a dorm room with a woman who leaves shit everywhere. Literally shit. It stinks. And her rantings can get very vulgar, or very threatening.

I've been here 4 weeks now. The thoughts are still coming. I'm just fed up with it all.

I know my family are just doing what they think is best, & they want me to have the best care I possibly can, but the arguments with the medical team are stressing me out (everybody has said several times that it's the medical team there is an issue with, not the nursing team, who are lovely.) I know it's for the best, & I agree with what they're saying. But I don't do confrontation at the best of times. And I rather feel that I shouldn't have to "fight" to get the correct medical treatment.

Oh Criminy, how horribly stressful for you. Did anything happen about changing consultants? There's been a major breakdown of trust with this one.

I understand why you are so keen to avoid any more seizures, and the consultant should have discussed that with you.

I hope the duty psychiatrist comes soon. LD xxx

I think it was Ilikeafternoonnaps who mentioned a possible link between your epilepsy meds and suicidal thoughts. Have you been able to discuss that with anyone? I wonder if that's why your dosage has been reduced?

Mum & DH both think that my mental health deteriorated at the same time as my lamotrigine increased. So it's a very real possibility that the lamotrigine could be the issue. Finally got the psychiatrist to consider that last week. I'm guessing that's why she's reduced my lamotrigine dose. BUT, I don't want her to just do that! I would have thought that if there might be an issue with my epilepsy meds then she should get in contact with a neurologist, & see what they say. Maybe swap me onto a different epilepsy med or something.

I'm very happy to consider the possibility of the lamotrigine being the cause, but I want to proceed cautiously, so I can try & avoid seizures coming back.

Plus, I was very upset that she hadn't even told me, never mind discussed it with me. If the nurse hadn't checked this evening the first I would've known would've been at bedtime meds time.

So presumably the way forward is to request to see the neurologist?

How are you feeling in yourself, Criminy? I know it's very stressful in hospital, whether you are there for mental or physical reasons. But how are you coping? Any more SH? Or is the Level 2 monitoring preventing that?

Criminy it's so good to hear from you. I'm sorry that things sound so difficult but I just wanted to say you are doing so well. I hope they can get you to see a neurologist to discuss your epilepsy meds. Your mom and DH sound like they are pulling hard for you too. Is there are chance you can swap dorms?

I asked to see neurologist a few weeks ago. When DH & mum came & saw ward manager to make their complaints last week they agreed that it was unacceptable that I'd not seen a neurologist yet.

In the ward round today they said they'd been in contact with neurology, and my last appt with them was in Jan, so my next appt is July 1st. Not very helpful!

No not helpful at all. They should be able to refer you to be seen ASAP surely?

They can not make you wait until July, especially if they are altering your epilepsy medication probably with not much experience / knowledge about it sometimes the 'system' relkky infuriates me. Glad that your mum and DH have been really supportive and fighting your corner. you're right though, you shouldbt have to fight for appropriate treatment.

It's good to hear from you sweetie, I've been checking the thread lots to see how you are getting on. You have come such a long way since your first posts, I hope you can see that you have made some progress, even if the medical team aren't much help at the moment. Also sharing the room with someone who shits is not on. I know she probably has a lot of difficulties, but surely that's a health hazard for the rest of the dorm?!?!

Have you thought about trying to contact the patient liaison team if there is one in your area. They might be able to phone and talk to your medical team and ask why everything isn't really happening for you. It might speed things up for you.

Big virtual higs coming your way xXx

I don't know how I feel at the moment. Last night I voluntarily gave up some things I was obsessing about using - earphones, bag straps etc.

Had a chat with the staff grade doctor about my meds today. He said they've decreased my lamotrigine because as mentioned, it may be causing my suicidal thoughts as a side effect. They've also increased my quetiapine. Apparently they're going to keep doing that until my compulsions stop.

I think that's utterly stupid because then how do you know if it's the decrease in lamotrigine or the increase in quetiapine that made them go away?!

Why can't they do one at a time, or just cross-taper me onto a different epilepsy drug? They apparently spoke to the neurologist this morning, apparently he was happy for them to do whatever .

Mum & DH keep going on and on about how it's got to be the lamotrigine. Well what if it isn't? All this obsession of theirs is doing is making me more & more likelihood to get seizures back again. And that thought terrifies me. Life is utterly miserable if my seizures are uncontrolled. And it pushes back my driving date even further, by several months.

I don't know what to think. I'm so confused by the whole thing.

Criminy, I'm going to speak bluntly. I sincerely hope I don't offend you, or anyone else.

The REALLY IMPORTANT THING is to get your suicidal thoughts under control. Everything else is of secondary importance. If you are dead, you won't need a driving licence, will you?

By getting the thoughts under control, I mean either stopping them occurring in the first place, or finding some way of dealing with them, when they occur.

Would it be useful to have a written copy of your treatment plan? They ought to have your informed consent to any alteration in medication. You are a very intelligent woman, and work in the medical field, so you are quite capable of understanding the treatment. They shouldn't be making you feel confused.

Anyway, well done on handing in the "weapons" !

Please always feel you can speak bluntly - it leads to a far more meaningful discussion & I'm certainly incredibly difficult to offend!

I see your point. I do.
I'm just a bit overwhelmed at remembering the awfulness of the past year - not being able to look after the kids by myself, not being able to go out anywhere by myself, no driving so I'm very isolated...

I guess I'm also scared that I'll end up having seizures again & still have these thoughts. So completely pointless.

The doctor I saw today said that yesterday they had discussed changing my meds, he was there & so he knows. But I honestly have no memory of changes to dosages being discussed, one of the reasons I got so upset. They always insinuate that I'm stupid.

But you are not stupid, you are highly intelligent. It's always difficult to take on board what doctors are saying. That's why it would be useful to have a written record. Do you have a little notebook, where the doctors and nurses could write down important stuff?

I think that's a good idea - next time I have a ward round I'm going to take my own notes.

And you could ask them to confirm that you've recorded it accurately.

My family are being so erm...not sure what the word is....determined/voracious/aggressive about the suicidal thoughts being because of the lamotrigine. They're obessed by the idea. That in itself is stressing me out a bit. Well, that along with their complaints & demands of people. They're always phoning, visiting or writing to somebody to complain. It's just s bit much.

It's good that they're fighting your corner, and supporting you. I guess they feel pretty helpless, and this is something they are able to do.

But it's the same as the "discussion" we had last month. You insisted you were not ill, it was just "the way you are". And I pointed out you couldn't actually know, that you had no evidence to support your hypothesis.

In the same way, they can't know it's definitely the lamotrigine. So I hope they can calm down, and trust the doctors a bit more.

Let's not forget that they have been through a very frightening experience, as well as you. They obviously love you very much!

Evening Criminy and Lammily and all.

You are sounding more clear Criminy. And proactive. its a really positive change.