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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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MrsEvadneCake · 03/04/2015 19:11

We've overdone the hot cross buns too. Although the asda Hot cross bun loaf is fabulous toasted.

I've not done much today. My DH is home and we just popped out to get a couple of bits and had a charity shop mooch.

MummySparkle · 03/04/2015 22:17

Marmite Easter egg????

Wrong on so many levels!

I've spent my evening unpacking a box of clothes from a friend of mine. Her boy is a few years older than my DS and her DD Is a year older than mine. Their hand me downs have been a god-send for us. And she only ever asks for the postage. She's amazing Easter Grin

I hope you managed to speak to your names nurse last night Criminy x

MrsEvadneCake · 04/04/2015 20:55

Hello all. Criminy I hope that your talk went ok.

LammilyDoll · 04/04/2015 21:06

And I hope that your meds are now sorted (right tablets, right dosage)

Coldcabbagestew · 05/04/2015 20:00

Hope the Easter bunny was kind to you Crim

LammilyDoll · 06/04/2015 11:21

Hello Criminy. Just a little message to let you know you are still in our thoughts (and prayers, by other MNers). We'll still be here when you are ready to chat.

I'm guessing that you are on more appropriate medication, and it's making you very drowsy. I hope you are also feeling calm and relaxed and safe. LDx

MrsEvadneCake · 07/04/2015 10:53

Morning Criminy and all,

Hope you're getting some rest and that things are slowly improving for you. You are in our thoughts.

OhTheAngst · 07/04/2015 13:03

Hi, it's silvery here, with my property n/c (can't be arsed to change atm)

Adding my thoughts to those above x

MummySparkle · 07/04/2015 18:56

Thinking of you Criminy xXx

Original poster
Criminy · 08/04/2015 20:21

Hi guys. I'm sorry I've not been around. Have been really struggling. Culminated in a suicide attempt last night. Fortunately/Unfortunately a nurse randomly came in not long after I'd started so she undid me.

So I'm now stuck on Level 2 obs. And feel like such a failure.

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LammilyDoll · 08/04/2015 20:30

Hello Criminy, my love. It's lovely to hear from you, but I was so hoping that you were feeling a bit better by now. LDx

LammilyDoll · 08/04/2015 20:51

Criminy, do you remember that Evadne threatened promised to come sit on your bed, and sing uplifting songs? Well, you are very very close to getting a full Mumsnet Choir in your room Wink

Coldcabbagestew · 08/04/2015 20:53

Oh Criminy. You're not a failure - you're unwell.

You'll get there Crim. One day at a time x

MrsEvadneCake · 08/04/2015 21:18

Criminy you are still here and that's the most important thing. You aren't a failure, just poorly and still trying to find the right mix to help. It must seem hopeless sometimes but we all believe in you and know it will improve. Just a bit longer.

I can practise my best singing voice of you'd like me to come and keep you company Wink

Original poster
Criminy · 08/04/2015 21:31

Had meeting with the consultant this afternoon. Think it was pointless. DH came with me. Just feel like doc is basically just leaving me to rot.

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LammilyDoll · 08/04/2015 21:36

No Criminy, they are NOT leaving you to rot. But the doc is clearly rubbish at explaining the process to you. Perhaps your named nurse will be better at this.

MrsEvadneCake · 08/04/2015 21:45

I agree with Lammily. When you get a chance talk to your NN. Consultants aren't always good at people...they aren't always good at warm and explaining.

Original poster
Criminy · 08/04/2015 22:55

DH asked the consultant if she's come up with a diagnosis yet. She went on a bit about mood swings & extreme emotional reactions to things (which I think is total bullshit - if anything, I under react to things), said I have some features of some kind of personality disorder. She went on a bit about me struggling with anxiety quite a lot and being quite depressive. But I'm only struggling with anxiety due to my thoughts. I don't know what to make of it all.

It's frustrating that people are trying to sort out my "anxiety", but I think that they don't understand that I'm only anxious about my thoughts. If they got rid of these thoughts then I wouldn't have anything to be anxious about.

She asked me why I want to kill myself. I said I don't. But when my thoughts take over they get right inside my head & manipulate me & make me want/need to.

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OhTheAngst · 09/04/2015 01:38

Criminy I am glad you are now finding the words to describe your experience. Let's hope the HCPs listen properly.

It may be that if they treat the anxiety, it may stop the thoughts - because the meds may actually work by dealing with the thoughts, thus, as you say, reducing the anxiety. And meds act differently on different physiologies - so it seems to me to be worth trying what they give you.

I speak as someone who was v meds resistent when in; my lovely DP told me on one visit to "take the meds" and he was right - as I recovered after my stay I was able to adjust these with the help of my CPN and Home Treatment Team psych.

LammilyDoll · 09/04/2015 09:48

Yes, as Angst (and others) say, it's really useful that you can now describe your thoughts and feelings. Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, when you were answering "I don't know" to their questions? I reckon you have actually made a lot of progress, in that you are now ready to accept their "treatment".

I know you still don't believe that you are ill. But are you prepared to accept that actually you don't have 100% proof that is the case? And if we "pretend" that it's an illness . . . well, they might possibly be able to "cure" you.

And if their treatment doesn't work, that will help to prove you were right all along, won't it?

You are a scientist, Criminy. So let's have hard facts, not random beliefs!

Original poster
Criminy · 09/04/2015 15:08

I'm v tired today because they've changed my quetiapine dosage from 50mg twice a day to 150mg twice a day.

I was talking to another patient here & we realised that me being on Level 2 might have actually been quite good for me. Because there's somebody else there my urges haven't been as bad/it's easier to push them back because I really can't do anything. So from that respect it's a bit of a rest.

Although I struggled last night though, my thoughts started taking over & I was fantasising about what I'd do if the person watching me stopped looking at me or even fell asleep. But then I think my increased dosage of quetiapine along with a full dose of zopiclone just knocked me out. Best sleep I've had in a long time.

From what the consultant was saying I think she's trying to diagnose me with EUPD. But I don't think I fit with it.

She also kept going on about how I need some kind of psychotherapy to explore big issues from my past; events from when I was younger. No idea what she's talking about, I had a good childhood.

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LammilyDoll · 09/04/2015 15:31

EUPD Confused Err, I don't think so! I guess it's the SH which (mis)leads her in that direction. Sometimes labels are not very helpful.

Anyway, the higher dose of quetiapine is good, and I'm surprised it's taken so long to increase your dose.

Psychotherapy will also be useful, even if there are no "Big Issues", as they can teach you how to control your bad thoughts.

OhTheAngst · 09/04/2015 18:14

Quetiqine zonked me, which I did not like much but probably needed at the time. I've been on it twice and it was used as an anti-psychotic, along with other meds. Both times when I got home I found it too zonking - to the point I did not feel safe to drive - and both times managed to get it reduced.

I was told the min therapeutic dose was 150 mg, had to argue my case for reduction to half that because of that, and am still on 75 mg a day.

Of course, the therapeutic dose may vary with the illness, but it doesn't seem to me you are on a massive amount, and there is scope for reduction as things improve.

You've had to live with these awful thoughts, that may have affected you in ways that psychotherapy can help with. Grab everything they offer, who knows what might help?

MummySparkle · 09/04/2015 20:25

Quetiapine zonks me too - I took it whilst doing my a levels and o would literally fall asleep on my desk whilst copying down the notes. I'd look back at them and my pen would just trail off!

But it does help me, but it took my body a long time to adjust.

I was labelled with BPD / EUPD too, but I'm not sure that was right. I think ASD traits can seem similar with it and cause Mis-diagnosis.

Keep talking to them sweetie, it does sound like you are making progress there. Is level 2 1:1? And level 1 is arms reach 1:1? x

LammilyDoll · 09/04/2015 20:46

Nooo, Level 1 is the Mumsnet Choir sitting on your bed, with added hugs and hand-holding Grin