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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
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LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 20:28

That sounds like a very good idea. And it should be easy to get back to Level 4 when you feel ready. They will see that you are being sensible. Stay safe, kid xxx

Coldcabbagestew · 02/04/2015 20:30

There is no shame in going back up a level Crim if that is what you need to do to feel safer.

(I dread to think what a MN level 1 is though )

Ps I've been on this thread for a while but had to name change as nearly outed myself elsewhere.

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 20:31

Criminy that's an excellent decision. Being safe until the compulsion eases is important. I'm so pleased lovely.

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 20:33

coldcabbagestew MN level 1 is we come and sit on your bed and hold your hand and sing uplifting tunes and stuff you full of Cake Easter Grin

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 20:36

My named nurse is on the night shift tonight, so after bedtime meds (approx 10pm) I'll see if I can have a word. Can't do anything in the meantime as the ward "closes" at 8:30pm. The woman in the cubicle next to me is actually in there, asleep, so I can't even hit my arm in the dorm. Quite a large part of me wants to present my named nurse with a broken arm. Maybe even just a thumb.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 20:38

Coldcabbagestew, sorry but I do not like your new name. It reminds me of a NZ girl I once met in a Youth Hostel kitchen. She ate a bag of defrosted brussels sprouts for breakfast . . . [bleurgh]

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 20:39

How could you distract yourself for a while? Do you feel like sewing?

Coldcabbagestew · 02/04/2015 20:46

Criminy - good idea to speak to the nurse you trust the most. Keep chatting here too.

Do you get to interact much with the other patients/clients/residents during the day or does everyone keep themselves to themselves?

Lamilly - must admit I like do like a sprout or two. Not frozen though. The name change situation was near comical. I did a search on another poster posting alone the same lines as me on a thread and recognised that she was a colleague.

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 20:47

I'm just going to stay on my bed sniffling to myself.

OP posts:
Coldcabbagestew · 02/04/2015 20:49

Sniffling fine better than banging

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 20:49

Wish I could give you a hug Crim.

CCStew how odd that must have been!

LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 20:53

Cabbage, wow a colleague - that must have been alarming Shock
I had a frantic name change last year, when someone posted a link to a thread I'd started, on a totally unrelated website. I try to be so careful online, but it's easy to slip up.

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 22:17

Hope the talk with your nurse has been ok.

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 22:23

Things are still quite awake here, so waiting for it to quiet down. I think he knows something's up because when I went for my meds I must've looked a state with puffy red eyes & I didn't say a word. I thought if I spoke I'd start crying. The other nurse there said she knows I've been struggling lately & it's obvious I was trying to just hold it together, so if I need to talk then she's there.

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LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 22:29

Criminy, you've made such a lot of progress since you were admitted. At the start, you couldn't cry. You can now! And you answered all their stupid questions with "I don't know". But now you actually want to talk to your nurse. That's real progress!

(Good job I sent you a pack of special tissues Grin)

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 22:30

Ok. It's nice she offered to listen too if need be. I'm shattered (had a bit of a weird day) so I'm off to bed. I'll be thinking of you and I'll be about tomorrow.

I hope you get some peace tonight and support.

LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 22:33

Night night Evadne.
I'm around for a while longer, since I had a lie-in this morning

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 22:33

Night night Lammily (jealous of your lie in!!)

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 22:39

Night Evadne!
It's quietened down out there now so I'm going to brave it & try to find the nurse.

Not sure how long I'll be so 'night Lammily & others too

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 23:47

Goodnight Criminy

MrsEvadneCake · 03/04/2015 08:04

Good morning all.

It's gloomy and grey today. I've had my shopping delivery arrive and I'm curled up with a Brew while the house sleeps, eating the cinnamon bun I accidently ordered Easter Wink

I hope the nurse was understanding and supportive last night Crim?

LammilyDoll · 03/04/2015 09:43

Good morning everyone! Who is "at work" today?

Evadne, I read that as " accidently eating " rather than "accidently ordered".
I do a lot of accidental eating Blush

LammilyDoll · 03/04/2015 11:19

Just been to Asda . . . beware the Marmite Easter Eggs Shock

MrsEvadneCake · 03/04/2015 11:33

I accidently eat too Lammily. Easter Blush.

I saw the marmite Easter eggs...not convinced myself even though I love marmite!

Coldcabbagestew · 03/04/2015 13:38

Was rather miserable in town. Most shops had cleared the Easter egg aisles. We couldn't even face buying hot cross buns today as have had so many of them over the past few weeks. Doesn't seem that long ago when you could only buy them on Good Friday .

How are you today Crim? Did you manage to speak to your nurse about your levels?