Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Original poster
Criminy · 31/03/2015 11:27

Had an awful night. Was obsessing about breaking my arm. Nurse gave me more lorazepam but it did nothing. Finally got to sleep at about 4:30am.

My kids are coming this afternoon though, so that should be a positive. My mum's bringing them.

Started new meds last night, I suppose they might be why I struggled to sleep but then I've been struggling to sleep for a while.

I've been trying to do a cross-stitch as a distraction, but keep messing it up.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 31/03/2015 11:34

It'll be lovely to see your mom and the children. Enjoy your time with them.

It sounds like you've got all out of step with sleep and things. Plus new meds might not help. Can you try settling down at a set time and relaxing? If you are using an iPhone there is a great app of relaxing music I can send you a link to.

I love cross stitching. Would you like a plastic circle to just do patterns on? You just stitch round it in different colours and it's distracting without concentrating IYSWIM.

Like Annie said we are here so just pop in if you feel up to it.

Original poster
Criminy · 31/03/2015 16:30

Kids have just been, my mum brought them, we had a good time & they seem bright and happy. I've taken that as a sign they are happy without me.

But I've realised I'm starting to resent my children. I love them to the ends of the earth. But everybody, everybody, keeps telling me I can't go because of the children. I'm starting to resent the children for making me have to stay here.

I think that might actually make me a monster.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 31/03/2015 16:56

No, it doesn't make you a monster, Criminy. Most mothers, to a greater or lesser degree, resent their kids. Or to be more precise, resent stuff like the loss of freedom, less money for holidays, etc. So no, you are quite normal in that respect. Maybe just more honest than most.

KayleyKay · 31/03/2015 17:00

Criminy you are not a monster, but you are having a perfectly dreadful time, and you must be exhausted. I have not rtft but enough to know you totally deserve help you must surely be a priority for anyone who hears how things are for you. You obviously have incredible guts to keep on functioning even any of the time (such as earlier today) feeling like you do.

Everyone on here really wants to help any way they can, my heart goes out to you. Just posted on another thread somewhere I sing hymns when it starts to get too much for me. Over and over (I'm not religious,but they are easy to sing and somehow, solid-feeling). It helps me.

Flowers
LammilyDoll · 31/03/2015 17:05

It isn't very helpful for people to say you must stick around for your children. You have rights too!

But I thought we had a deal? I thought you'd agreed to give the professionals a chance to "cure" you, with their meds and talking therapies? (yeah, yeah, you're not ill . . . we've discussed all that before Wink)

If it works, that's great. You will feel different, you will want to carry on living, to have fun with your kids, to watch sunsets from a caravan. And that will be for you, not for your kids.

And if it doesn't work, and you really really want to leave us . . . well, you will still have that option, won't you?

So hang on in there, girl - IT WILL GET BETTER. You've only been taking the new medication for less than 24 hours. Give it time to work!

KayleyKay · 31/03/2015 17:06

Oh, just seen you are not by yourself! So maybe save the hymns till you are Blush. But more Flowers from me anyway

MrsEvadneCake · 31/03/2015 17:13

Criminy you arent a monster. You're exhausted. Say what you need to and it'll help sort feelings out.

You don't have to stay for the kids. You don't have to stay for anyone. You do have to stay though because you have a future of your own that you can't see yet.

The kids being happy is a sign that they are comfortable in your company, pleased to see you, and your mom is having a positive effect on them. Not a sign that you aren't needed in their lives. Signs are read either way. Stop seeing them as reasons to leave and see them as ways to stay.

I believe in you.

LammilyDoll · 31/03/2015 17:14

Community hymn singing on the ward sounds even better Grin
In fact, invite the Sally Army round!

KayleyKay · 31/03/2015 17:17

I'm in!

MrsEvadneCake · 31/03/2015 17:25

Me too! Love a good loud sing!!

KayleyKay · 31/03/2015 17:47

Criminy I hope you've found someone to talk to there. Thinking of you.

TheSilveryPussycat · 01/04/2015 19:30

Hi Criminy sorry I've not been on the thread much. I was on quetiapine when in for hypomania last year; though I didn't like taking them much, they really did help me get the proper sleep I needed. (I still take a small dose.) I do hope they are doing the same for you.

As it happened, I was in over Easter last year, and even though I am an atheist I went to the Easter service in the hospital chapel. There were only a few of us there, but it was such a moving and helpful experience. If you wanted to, and there's one in your hosp, would you be allowed to go? (I imagine you might need to be accompanied)

sending warm wishes

Original poster
Criminy · 01/04/2015 23:11

Had a bad day, just wanted to say sorry for not updating, and thank you everyone for your support Easter Smile

I know some of you said it doesn't matter if I don't update, but it does matter to me anyway. Now eat some cake Cake

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 01/04/2015 23:13

Oh the easter smiley!!

I'm sorry today has been rough. I hope you can get some sleep in a bit. Easter Smile

LammilyDoll · 01/04/2015 23:23

I don't deserve any cake Sad. I am ashamed of myself. I walked into a slimming club this evening, with chocolate smeared round my mouth Blush.

In my defence:
1 I was merely showing a lost young woman how to find the club
2 It was Galaxy Salted Caramel, which I felt obliged to test for you all
3 It was sickly and not very salty and I didn't really enjoy it Wink

Coldcabbagestew · 02/04/2015 15:46

Lammilly - you must have been a sight!

Criminy how are you today?

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 17:53

The past few days my urges have been very, very strong. I've told nurses, and their answer is to give me lorazepam. Which does nothing at all. I've been in tears, hitting my head with my hand out of anxiety or whatever, pleading with them to do something.

This afternoon the compulsion to just walk out & go to the train tracks (I've Google-earthed it) has been overwhelming, as has the urge to break my arm. I didn't know what else to do. I've tried asking for help, but it hasn't worked. So I smashed my arm against my wardrobe. It's not broken, the failure of which is annoying me slightly, but for the first time in days I feel calm.

I just don't understand where this is going; how it ends though.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 18:12

Have they discussed with you the side effects of your medication or what the plan is?

I'm glad you feel calmer, please get your arm checked when you feel up to it though.

I've been tired today. Just not felt like doing much.

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 18:15

They've not discussed any side-effects at all. Or really told me what it is they're actually treating.

I can't get my arm checked, because if they find out I hurt myself they'll put me back up to Level 3. So I have to hide it from them. It's nowhere near as bad as last time anyway, which is disappointing. I don't think this method will break it.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 18:19

Aww Criminy, I know it's hard, really hard, but you are doing okay. IT WILL GET BETTER, honestly. I'm pleased you are feeling calm, and hope this lasts through the evening.

I wonder how long it takes for your new med to start working? SilveryPussycat and MummySparkle both say it's good, but the effects are obviously not instant. I know some ADs take a couple of weeks to kick in, but hopefully this one will be much quicker.

So just KOKO (keep on keeping on) for a bit longer, sweetheart. You can do it.

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 18:49

Oh the levels! Ok. I understand. Please keep a check on it yourself then.
Like Lammily says: KOKO. We are all about if you want distraction or just to vent.

LammilyDoll · 02/04/2015 18:56

Yes, that's a good idea from Evadne. You are on Official Level 4. But you are also on Mumsnet Level 3. That means you have to monitor yourself every 15 mins, and be accompanied by yourself when off the ward. Would you like to borrow my imaginary friend? Keep her secret though, or you'll end up with a wrong diagnosis Grin

MrsEvadneCake · 02/04/2015 19:20

MNlevel 3...love it Smile

Original poster
Criminy · 02/04/2015 20:26

I think I'm going to have to ask to go up to level 3. I've made exact plans for leaving the hospital, plus just thrown myself down the back service stairs (kind of like a fantasy/practice run). That's how I get when the compulsion is very bad.

Parts of me really don't want to go back up to level 3 though, for various reasons.

OP posts: