I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

A card, yes that's an excellent idea. I was going to suggest a "safe word" (or should that be "unsafe word"?), but a card would be much better.

It's really good that they now understand that you are unable to put your feelings and thoughts into words. Not being awkward, or deliberately lying, simply unable to vocalise these compulsions. And that is a huge step forward!

Routine . . .
A couple of weeks ago, I wondered if your lack of routine whilst on maternity leave, followed by sick leave, was contributing to your problems.

And your life was about to be turned upside down, with going back to work, and having a difficult commute on public transport.

What do you think about that suggestion, Criminy?

That's a good point Lammily. There's been such a lot going on that I wonder if the thoughts aren't partially because it feels like the one thing you do have control over. Choosing when you end things would be in your control.

Morning all.

I'm at a garden centre in the pouring rain. Waiting for my friend to turn up for breakfast. I'm going to mooch at plants and pretend I garden. It actually looks like an urban jungle but it's good for the wildlife. It's on my to do list!
I'm having a bit of a think. About looking after myself better. I'm not really taking care of myself so need to.

Garden centres usually have very good cafes! I've started using them on days out, in preference to teashops. Mainly for the toilets, you understand never for the Carrot Cake

That's weird, Evadne! Perhaps it's a side-effect of changing the clocks, but I've just been thinking about taking better care of myself. For me, this will start with taking time to plan and prepare meals, instead of "grazing" non-stop. Recording everything on MyFitnessPal helps me be honest about this!

How are you today, Criminy? Is the family able to visit?

It was lovely. I have a strawberry planter!

How are you Criminy?

Mmmm, home-grown strawberries for our picnic! Shall I bring a thermos of ice-cream to go with them?

Yes please Lammily

Hope your Sunday has been ok Criminy

And what have you been doing today, Annie?

Hope your Sunday has been okay Criminy. My plan for this evening is to get my craft room sorted out. It's been a box graveyard since we moved in and I'm fed up. My mum is coming on Tuesday with another car load of my crafty bits, so it has to be done by then. I might have rather a lot of craft stuff...!

Ooh Mummy. A craft room! One day I'll have one if those I hope. Now I a shelf

What's your favourite craft?

I tidied a bit this afternoon. Binned some junk. Feels better.

Hope Criminy and all have had good afternoons.

I had a shelf... We had to move house because my craft stuff had taken over all of downstairs

Now I have the basement (which does have a sunken window, and is really bright considering) for all my crafty bits.

At the moment I'm mostly crocheting because it's easy to pick up and put down with the littlies, but I knit and do patchwork and I've just discovered a love for decopatch too.
In my day job I'm an art technician and textiles person for a secondary school so I do a bit of everything.

I've spent an hour or so sorting things out, OH came down and said it looked no different, Grr! Seems we brought a lot of rubbish with us when we moved, I've binned lots today too

Hope you're doing okay criminy xXx

Not much Lamilly. Both daughters have temps so has been a lazy day at home. Did finally put Xmas decs back in loft - a minor achievement!

Hope you're sleeping better than me Crim.

Morning all.
Mummy I would love to crochet. I knit a little. Your job sounds really interesting.
Annie I hope your DDs are a bit better and you got some sleep.
I'm feeling a bit sad today. My lovely neighbours house has gone up for sale. I don't like change and I don't want her to move either. Ho hum.
It's a lovely sunny day. I hope you are having sunshine Criminy.

Evadne, I'm sure no-one would want to buy a house with problem neighbours

Lammily we look like those already with an unrestored car on the drive!
She is 83 so it was going to happen at some point. I'll pop round later as I haven't seen her this week. She is fabulous though so it'll be hard without her there.

Sorry I haven't been around much recently, I've been really, really struggling.

I want to break my arm so badly. And I can't really take myself away from the risk because there's edges to smash it against everywhere. I've had screaming meltdowns where I've tried so so hard not to do it, other times I've just rocked, cried, tapped my head...have still managed not to do it. Giving birth was by far easier than this agony.

Nurses keep plying me with lorazepam, but it doesn't seem to do much. Doc is starting me on quetiapine tonight, and stopping my amitriptyline.

I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know anything. Except that I'm tired. Of everything. Bloody exhausted.

Keep going, sweetheart - you are doing so well.

And YOU WILL GET BETTER. Yes, I know you don't believe that at the moment, but we know better than you!

I wondered if you were finding things harder. Thank you for finding the energy to come back. Youve been in my thoughts.

I'm sorry it's so difficult at the moment. Maybe the change in meds might help?

Hugs. Quetiapine has really helped me. Hang in there sweetie, things will get better x

That's reassuring, MummySparkle - thanks for sharing.

Oh Criminy. Don't apologise and feel you have to update. Use the thread how you feel best.

I hope the quetiapine helps.