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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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BisleyBoy · 27/03/2015 07:33

I would also definitely be annoyed at that!

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 07:37

Morning all. I'm up but not awake! Last night I kept waking up. No idea why. It feels like a cuppa and a choc chip muffin kind of morning.

LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 08:22

No, it's not reasonable. But actually it's just a sign that he's struggling to cope at the moment. Most young men in this situation would also struggle. So try your very best to be kind to him.

We'll deal with all his other faults at a later date Grin

Original poster
Criminy · 27/03/2015 08:54

I'm trying very hard to be lovely to him, it's easier because most of our communication is by text message so I can reread stuff. Although it does mean tone can be misrepresented. Swings & roundabouts really I suppose.

I just couldn't get to sleep last night. I completely gave up just before 2am & went for a wander, found the nurse who gave me half a sleeping tablet. Not sure if it really worked or not but think I finally got to sleep at about 3:30pm. Pfah. So that's 2 of us with rubbish sleep! I don't get s choc chip muffin though. It is a cooked breakfast day so I just had sausage, egg, tomato on toast though!

With a cuppa in my brand new mug. They have plastic mugs in here, but they don't get washed properly & there's no way for us to wash them properly, so they're all stained inside from tea & coffee. But not just stained, a lot of it comes off if you scratch it with your fingernail. They're just disgusting. So my sis found a plastic mug on Amazon & had it delivered & it finally turned up yesterday! It's lovely and most importantly clean

I hope everyone has a good day Brew to start you all off

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LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 09:04

I bet all the neighbours are telling him how wonderful he is, for coping with work, kids, house, etc. Things which many women cope with on a daily basis, without a word of praise. Are they bringing round nutritious casseroles and home-made cakes yet?

I don't mean to sound sarcastic, as he is clearly struggling, and does deserve sympathy and hugs.

LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 09:19

Oh . . . wait a minute . . . you've not disrupted plans for his precious hobby, have you? Grin

LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 16:51

Sorry to be so brief this morning, Criminy, but I was rushing out to do my precious hobby!

What I meant to add was . . . yes, we all have lots of sympathy for your DH, but on the other hand, there's absolutely no need for you to feel guilty that he's having to cope with everything.

Anyway, in other news, I've been to Derbyshire today Grin. I didn't realise, until I saw DCC on the roadside grit bins!

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 17:09

I'm back! It's been a very busy day but I'm finished now for the easter holidays!
Criminy I'm glad you've got a lovely new mug. I'm very picky about what I drink my tea out of.
Lammily did you have lots of fresh air?

LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 17:35

Yes, Derbyshire air is very "fresh"! What do you have planned over the holiday, Evadne?

Original poster
Criminy · 27/03/2015 17:48

After a meeting between my named nurse, the lead nurse, and the consultant, I've been moved up to level 4! So theoretically I'll be getting some more Derbyshire air too. Although my named nurse and I have privately agreed that this doesn't mean I have to go all around the unit just because I can, I can just go straight down for a smoke & straight back up again. That feels much safer.

DH talked to my named nurse last week about how stressed he was, & today nurse said he was going to write a carer's assessment for him (not sure what that means?). He's off to the GP about now anyway.

My DSis will be here soon with a long list of stuff I asked her for that she's dragged on the bus-train-bus! Last time I'll see her before she goes back to India, boo.

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LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 18:04

Level 4 - yay! Well done!

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 18:44

Level 4. Fantastic!! So fresh air and straight back sounds great.

I'm having a hair cut. A beauty appointment. Lots of rest and cuddles with the DC and fresh air. My DH will be home for a week too (he drives HGVs and so is away a week normally). Its self care this holiday.

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 18:47

Just googled carers assessment. It's a look at what he does to help you and what he might need as support for example caring or information on benefits.

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 18:49

Do you have Easter plans Lammily??

LammilyDoll · 27/03/2015 19:06

No specific plans yet, Evadne, as busy with work next week (year ends to sort out). DH is off work the second week, so let's hope the weather improves by then.

It's such a pity for kids (and their parents!) when the weather turns bad for the school holidays.

MrsEvadneCake · 27/03/2015 19:30

I hope you have some fun then the second week.

LammilyDoll · 28/03/2015 11:55

Good morning (nearly afternoon!) Criminy and other posters - and all the lurkers.

So how many cigarettes have you smoked today, Criminy? Grin

MrsEvadneCake · 28/03/2015 12:29

Afternoon all!

I hope it's not raining Criminy and you've been able to get some air.

Original poster
Criminy · 28/03/2015 15:39

MrsCake, your package came, thankyou so, so much. That was so thoughtful, it genuinely brought damn tears to my eyes! Please know I truly appreciate it. Thankyou doesn't seem adequate, this means so much to me for a few reasons, but I'm not eloquent enough to think of any other words - just Thankyou
FlowersFlowers

(And Lammily, thankyou still for yours, I'm about a third of the way through that book now!)

I've only smoked 3 so far today! I went out on the 9am smoke break, went out by myself at about 11am, then went on the 1pm smoke break! I feel bad about having to bother a member of staff to get my tobacco out of my storage box in a locked room, then let me out of the ward, then do the reverse 10 mins later. So this morning I was washed, dressed, medded, obsed, breakfasted by 8:40, figured I may as well hang on 20 mins for everyone else. I fancy a smoke now, but will prob just wait until 4pm now.

Plus it's kind of lonely out there without anyone to talk to! All I really wanted was an extra couple of cigarettes, I could prob make do with every 2 hours just fine (rather than the 4 hours as at moment on level 3). Before I cam here I was smoking probably about 2 an hour during day-time on average, so this is quite a reduction.

Having a bit of a wobble today. My thoughts are very strong and becoming difficult to fight against. I'm so fed up of feeling like I'm fighting this battle in my head. My brain's gotten super-active and won't stop thinking of all the ways I could maim or kill myself.

And I keep wondering why am I even fighting it? I want to do it so badly. My body wants to do it, so why am I fighting it? My kids though...so maybe I don't want to do it. But then why do I ache to do it so damn much

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MrsEvadneCake · 28/03/2015 16:10

I'm so glad it's arrived and you liked the things. I took a bit of a guess thinking of what I know about you so I'm really pleased. Smile

Maybe just knowing you can go out to smoke is the reason it's easier to wait. It could also be why you're struggling a bit, a change in what you can do could be making your brain over think.

LammilyDoll · 28/03/2015 17:40

I guess you are missing the ritual of the Official Smoke. Like being given a mug of builder's tea, when you expected a Japanese Tea Ceremony, perhaps?

It's interesting that you talk of "a bit of a wobble today". That implies yesterday was a relatively good day, surely?

But, as Evadne says, any change in routine can be unsettling (especially to an Aspie).

Original poster
Criminy · 28/03/2015 19:17

I wondered about the change in routine thing, I have gotten into little bits of routine here.

I think I have to remember that just because I can go out of the ward, I don't have to. I do hate bothering people too though.

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Original poster
Criminy · 28/03/2015 19:19

Posted too soon.

One of the nurses called it "having a wobble" because I've been a bit anxious, not able to concentrate on anything at all, very withdrawn etc

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Original poster
Criminy · 28/03/2015 19:32

When the nurses and doctor were discussing my levels yesterday one of the concerns they had was that I wouldn't be able to tell them if I was struggling. And it is difficult, largely because when I am "really struggling" the last thing I want is to tell anybody, I just want to go and kill myself.

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MrsEvadneCake · 28/03/2015 19:49

Ask them for a card that says struggling can't explain. The give it to them when it's bad. Just a thought.