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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 16:22

Customer gets nagged about leaving socks on floor is not an option I see Grin

LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 17:19

We'll have less of that kind of smutty talk, thank you Evadne!

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 17:25

Sorry Lammily!! (My phones autocorrect knows your name now!)

LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 17:38

But do you know what a Lammily Doll actually is?
It's a proper "teenager shaped" doll, not hideously distorted like Barbie, etc.

And - Criminy will like this bit [rolls eyes] - you can also buy a set of scars, etc:
Cellulite, Stretch marks, Freckles, Acne, Glasses, Blushing, Adhesive bandages, Moles, Temporary Tattoo, Stitches, Scrapes & Scratches, Bruises, Cast, Scars, Mosquito Bites, Grass and Dirt Stains
I have most of those on my legs alone (though obviously my knees don't blush . . . or wear glasses)

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 18:47

I didn't know that, I like that doll better than pointy Barbie. I must admit I love Blythe Dolls. Maybe I'll have one, one day.

How has today been Criminy? (It knows your name too)

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:16

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been a bit absent. I'm not really sure why I have.

I can't work out if I'm fed up or resigned or what, I think maybe it's all just confirmation that I'm a hopeless case. I've been here 10 days now & nothing's happened - no change to meds, no mention of any therapy etc. maybe that's because they know I'm a hopeless case?

I asked about moving to level 4 tomorrow (quick recap: currently on level 3 which means 15 min observations, only allowed off ward accompanied, 4 accompanied smoke breaks a day. Which is nowhere near enough tbh. Level 4 is 30 min observations, allowed around hospital unaccompanied therefore can smoke whenever).

So I asked the nurse, she said did I think I was ready, I said yes, she said she'd talk to the doctor's about it tomorrow.

The thing is, thinking about it objectively, I'm not ready. Being formally allowed all around the place would mean access to far too many tempting things. I just want to be allowed to go straight down to the courtyard to have a smoke. I follow rules, I have to. (Aspergers!) So if they said I can just go for a smoke I'd stick to it. But then the huge, overbearing monster part of me just gobbles up all those thoughts and says "yes, yes, level 4, this is our chance to finally end it all!"

OP posts:
Annietheacrobat · 26/03/2015 21:28

Criminy am 100% sure you are not a hopeless case. You are probably still in a period of assessment. From memory things can move quite slowly in the psychiatric world.

Regarding your levels - if you don't feel ready to move up- don't. .

How is your lovely mum? Has she been able to visit

LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 21:32

And maybe because the primary concern is keeping you safe?
And maybe they are quietly observing and assessing you?
Then when they think you are ready, they'll discuss a treatment plan?

Do you feel any different after the cry-a-thon? When did you last SH?

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:37

But I really, really need more cigarettes! 9am,1pm,4pm,8pm is just ridiculous. And as of 1st April there will be no accompanied smoke runs so if I'm on level 3 I won't be able to smoke at all. I don't want to give up smoking right now. I've given up in the past & taken it up again several times, & right now having the odd smoke when I'm feeling particularly stressed would be very helpful. Plus it's the only time I get off the ward. I have enough on my plate without this crap too. Is this even legal? Especially because I'm a voluntary patient, i.e. not on a section.

My mum & sis came to visit on Tues eve. When sis & I went out for smoke mum went & found a nurse & talked her way onto my next ward round on Monday. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. My sis is coming for a last visit tomorrow before she goes back to India.

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Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:42

I don't feel very safe. I feel like I have to lie to them - keep my SH hidden so they don't reduce my levels.

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MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 21:46

If you were honest about your SH they might not reduce your levels because they might see it as working with them.

It must be incredibly frustrating with the smoking thing. Have you considered being a vaping smoker? My DH switched to ecigarettes and its been amazing for him. Don't know if that would be allowed on ward?

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:52

Ecigarettes aren't allowed on the ward either, you have to take it outside on a smoke break to use it.

When I told them about my arm (when I first hurt it) my named nurse told me that he was putting me on 5 min obs and if I did I again he would put me on level 2.

It just makes no sense.

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LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 21:52

Criminy, they will be used to dealing with people who lie to them. It'll be very common. They know, y'know.

It's several days until 1 April, and I'm sure you'll be on Level 4 by then.

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:53

I'm sorry for being so shite.

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LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 21:54

What have you done today? More trying to chip a bone? Or something else?

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 21:54

Lammily is right. It's nearly a week away.

I'm glad your mom has been and is coming back Monday.

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 21:55

You're not shite. Just poorly. It'll get better. It's just a time thing.

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 21:58

I've stamped on some of my toes Blush

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LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 22:02

Well, you are certainly creative!

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 22:29

How did you manage that? I would have fallen over trying! Are they ok?

LammilyDoll · 26/03/2015 22:41

My DH always used to stand on one leg, to tie his shoelace in mid-air. No idea why, and I always expected him to keel over Grin. He sits down to do it now.

MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 23:01

I punched myself in the jaw in asda tonight (to be fair asda makes me want to punch myself!). I was using the self scan till. My bra strap kept falling down. I got annoyed, pulled it up too firmly and it twanged and I punched myself in the jaw. I was less than impressed!

Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 23:13

DH is annoying me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not (& no, I'm not THAT brave!!).

I've been here 10 days now, DH has visited me [i think] 3 times. The first time he kept going on about did I know if there was any support for people like him - partners of people in inpatient care? It was the first thing he asked me & tbh it irked me a bit. But I know he's had everything dumped on him & I feel a bit shit about that.

Earlier in the week we were texting & he said he was going to the GP to try & get some help with all the stress he's under. I said "Anything I can do to try to help?" And he said "Get better as that'll be one less thing to worry about." Which again, irked me a bit, but I'm worried I might be being overly sensitive.

Then yesterday I tried to book the family room here (so he & kids could come visit) for sometime this weekend, but it was all booked up in the day both days. He seemed disappointed. I booked it for Tues when my mum could bring kids.

Then today I got told there was a cancellation on Sunday, so booked it & sent him a text saying "Family Room cancellation xxxxam yay! Grin"

He's just asked what I'm doing for the next few days. I said him & the kids were coming Sun, he said "are we?" I thought they were. He said "I don't know that's why I asked. You told me that the room was available. " I replied "and so I booked it!"

He said "You never told me. Or asked if we were available.
As you'd booked for your mum to bring them on Tuesday, and I haven't seen you since Sunday, I was looking forward to spending a couple of hours with you on Sunday afternoon.
Oh well, I'll bring the kids Sunday morning instead."

I asked him what did he want me to do then? To which he replied:

"I didn't say that what you had done is wrong. I was pointing out that you'd only given me an option. You hadn't asked what I wanted to do about the option or told me that you'd made the decision for me. Either of those would have been fine.
Just giving me an option and then making the plans is fine if you tell me. I was disappointed. But got over it and sorted other plans. "

I don't know what to think. I feel a little...I'm not really sure...annoyed? Irked? I'm not sure if this is reasonable behaviour or not. Am I just being very over-sensitive?

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Original poster
Criminy · 26/03/2015 23:14

I have punched myself in the face so many times due to bras over the years!

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MrsEvadneCake · 26/03/2015 23:25

I'd feel a bit annoyed by that too. I understand it is hard having everything to do but you are trying to get well. Hopefully the GP will talk to him and help. I think it would help him to have counselling too.