I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

The nurses do sound like they are trying to see if you have an emotional reaction to their behaviour. It's very odd otherwise.

I don't like horses. Or cows. They are mahoosive!! I'll meet you both with a picnic if you go trekking

I've made helped DS's bonnet and made flannel bunnies as teacher gifts. Washed a lot and popped into the garden for a bit. Took a photo of naughty cat being lovely.

Excellent, pony trekking it is then. We can meet somewhere in the middle! And then all have a lovely picnic afterwards.

Naughty cat does not look naughty, why is he naughty? And where's the pic of the flannel bunnies?! I need
to see them!

I'm not sure about good cop/bad cop, but I guess it could be. I know a lot of the other patients here cry or get angry a fair bit, but I don't think I really do.

At the afternoon smoke break I was the only person there. All other smokers are level 4s now. I don't think I stand a chance of getting a level 4 though, especially not after this afternoon.

Had a bit of a shitty afternoon. I really struggled with my thoughts. Wherever I was my brain kept turning items into weapons against myself and showing me how to use them. It's all I could think about. I ended up on my bed, rocking a bit.

On one of their checks a nursing assistant saw me, & went to tell a nurse. He then brought back some medication to try and help (Think it was lorazepam) . It didn't seem to do much anyway, & I went back to rocking on my bed.

A bit later a nurse came in to see me. I told her my thoughts were very bad. She said she could see I was overwhelmed, what normally helps? I don't know, I haven't really found anything. She said to think of a happy place. I managed not to slap her (I am sick & tired of being told to think happy thoughts). She asked what my thoughts were about, I said about hurting myself and killing myself. I really am trying to be honest and engage!

She said did I have a plan? I said I have a few. She said like what, so I told her one plan & she took away the item involved in that plan. I then gave her several more items that were part of other plans. She then did the we're here for you, come for a chat spiel. She asked if I'd hurt myself again, I said no but that was a lie, I'd hit my arm again. I don't know why. I had a feeling that if I'd said yes she'd have stepped me up to level 2 ( continuous monitoring) .

I'm actually a bit concerned about my arm, although the doctor saw it at A&E and then popped in the next day & said it was doing well. I only hit it on the outside, from the wrist and along 2 or 3 inches. But pretty much my entire forearm has swollen up massively and turned black, as has my hand, and even the palm of my hand.

Goodness, have never come across a thread like this and I want to help and say something useful but am struggling Criminy. Having struggled with issues over the last couple of years and engaged in long term counselling, I was always told to present myself to A&E if having suicidal thoughts. I get that you're just "thinking" about it and it's good that you're talking about it here, but I would be inclined to do just that, if at all possible. I wish you lots of love and know that it doesn't matter to your children how bad you feel, you are the centre of their world...as they are yours, please present yourself as a suicide risk and being the carer of small children.xx

Holy shit, just realised that refreshing the page before posting would be a better option..have had wine. Glad getting some help lovely! x

Morning Criminy. (And Lammily And others who pop in later)

Im sorry it was a crsppy afternoon. I'm glad you gave them the things that were potentially SH tools. That's a huge step forward if you ask me. I know you find it hard to say what you feel but just keep doing what you can. Even the I don't knows should help.

Could you ask them to check your arm again when you have your ward round/meeting today? Might put your mind at rest a little. You will get to a four eventually. It's just a time thing lovely.

I had a thought. When I wanted to distract myself when my anxiety was really bad I folded the little paper stars. I know your hand is sore at the moment but if I sent some paper strips would you like to try it? You have to focus on it and it's quite rhythmic and soothing. I'll send a link in my next message. (I have to do it as two because I'm on my phone and if I swap screens I'll lose all this typing. No idea why but it's very annoying!!! )

My naughty cat is a sweetie. But a total mischief. He won't come in when he should. Bites me playfully by diving from under things. Runs on worktops when he thinks I'm not looking. So he is a cat basically he is two so still kitteny.

I'll put a pic of the bunnies in next message. Prepare to be underwhelmed they are teachers Easter gifts.

Stars

m.origami-instructions.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.origami-instructions.com%2Forigami-lucky-star.html#2862

Flannel bunny. Blame Pinterest!!

Those flannel bunnies rock! I'd be well chuffed to receive one if I was a teacher.

Those little origami stars look awesome, I'd love to give them a go. Not sure if I'm allowed scissors in here to cut up the paper though.

My cat was a kitten until she turned about 3. Now she's just very shy, not sure why. My dog's a complete lunatic though (spaniel).

I've been banging my arm again. Why am I doing that? My arm hurts more & has awful pins and needles now I haven't got my sling. I'm just having to hold it upright cos if I put it down the throbbing is unbearable. I'm so stupid.

Thankyou so much everyone for your continued support!

Morning everyone! And hello to TheFormidableMrsC - it's good to hear from a "survivor".

Criminy, it sounds like you are making a good effort to talk to the nurses. I'd like to point out that, while you may find it difficult to speak the words, you are very eloquent on here.

Your book was delivered this morning, so you should receive it in a day or so. They will NEVER believe someone wants a Physics Textbook for its own sake. They'll probably think it contains contraband, and subject it to a sniffer dog and a metal detector

Grey and drizzly (grizzly?) here today. What can you see from your window, Criminy?

Sneaking a quick hello in my lunch. The paper is already in strips. I'll send you some.
Spaniels are loopy!!

Any developments, Criminy? I think you mentioned seeing a doctor today.

I assume they've simply been observing and assessing you so far, prior to deciding on a treatment plan.

Just wrote massive post but lost it, Grrr!

In short, ward round was useless, going to be here until I stop having such severe thoughts of harming or killing myself. No discussion of any type of leave. Psychiatrist kept going on about wanting to know what had triggered this & how I felt, blah blah, same as I've been asked over & over & I still can't answer & he still seemed to think I was being awkward. I said my last psychiatrist thought my issues about emotions could be to do with my Aspergers, but this psychiatrist said he doesn't do Aspergers, cos he's a psychiatrist so he's not interested & knows little about it.

Just had my nails painted. Haven't had painted nails since I was a kid. The ward has some nail kits so some of us did each other's nails.

Leave??? You cunning little minx! You don't fool me for one second. I know exactly why you want leave . . .

Okay, so he believes these feelings will pass, of their own accord? That's good, in a way, is it not?

Has anyone discussed the possible side-effects of your epilepsy meds yet?

I don't bother painting my finger nails these days, as it wouldn't last more than an hour without chipping. But it's a useful way to hide my blackened toenails after I've been hill-walking Perhaps I need larger boots?

Morning! I'd love to paint my nails. Maybe I should. I'm not very good at spending time on myself. Sounds nice doing each other's nails.

I know it must be frustrating but you are being very honest and that's important. Could they not get someone who is familiar with Aspergers to consult? Would seem logical to me but I know logic is not often used!!

Lammily...bigger boots or more nail varnish

Lammily, I got your package, thankyou very, very much, it was so kind of you, & just perfect, it actually made me smile

Urgh, you've reminded me, when DH had his short love-affair with running last year, his original trainers were far too small & they turned his big toe nails black. Yeurgh.

I saw a doc this morning about my arm because the bruising and swelling is most impressive. He said just keep it elevated and hopefully it'll sort itself out as the x-ray was clear. He asked me if I'd done it again since the original incident and I said no, no.

Here's the thing. I've become a bit obsessed with trying to break my arm. I don't want a big break, just a little chip of a bone in arm/wrist/hand would do. I have been whacking and whacking it but to no avail. It hurts, but it's not broken. I've always had very strong bones though.

I don't want to tell anyone though because I don't want to mess my levels up. I'm desperate to go to level 4 so that I can go and have a smoke when I want to, but I'm scared that if I tell them about this latest obsession then they'll either keep me at level 3 or even put me up to level 2.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just carry on & do nothing? I hate the way this level system works, it's like if you tell the truth you get punished, if you're more ill than some of the others, then you get punished.

But it's not a punishment, is it? It's to help keep you safe. Now go and paint your toenails to match your fingernails, and read your textbook while they dry!

Save your broken bones for when we go pony-trekking

Errm, about that Physics textbook . . . I'm going to pm you my joke about physicists. Then you can decide whether to post it here

Not sure I'm brave enough to post that! Tis v good though!

It still feels like a punishment though. At the moment my day is spent counting down the minutes until food time or smoke time. (Which only a measly once every 4 hours) But some people are allowed to go and have a smoke whenever they want. If I lie then I will be allowed to too. I only want to pop down for a smoke, I can just as easily hurt myself up here whether I'm a level 3 or level 4. Argh. This place drives you crazy.

Off to read the Physics.

Afternoon all. Is the joke that rude???

I've just sent a little package Criminy. I've put in the paper strips to make stars. I hope you can make some. Distract yourself a bit.

It's been sunny here today. I caught myself wishing I had washing to hang out. Must give myself a talking to!!!

Afternoon Criminy - sorry I lost your thread for a little while.

Will you have access to any talking therapy whilst you are in?

You do sound a fair bit calmer if I may say so.

I can't promise any physics textbooks but will still be thinking of you .

Hi Criminy, sorry I e been quiet too. I've been keeping up to date with the thread and just wanted you to know you're still in my thoughts .

And I'm really curious about that joke now too Lammily!

Morning all.

How are you feeling Criminy? It's a busy day today. Easter baskets to make, a theatre group in and readers to try and hear. The end of term is always a bit manic.

I hope you are enjoying your reading.

Popping in between stressing about getting house ready for move. Am making progress - but slowly.

Sadly I agree about those places often feeling like a punishment. For me (was hypomanic) twas the non-stop Radio 2 or other middle-of-the-road radio stations on All Day. Plus no-one to really talk to about stuff (would have stopped my endless ranting, I think) and had a suspicion meds in evening were to keep us all quiet

When the smoking ban was first due to come in, they did intend it for psychiatric in-patients - but I think it is utter folly to apply it in that way.

I once wanted to be a physicist but changed to psychology. I want to know the joke!

Sorry this has been a bit me me me - hope things are a little better (but your arm has me worried)

Silvery moving house is supposed to be hugely stressful. Try and make time for yourself to take a break

Criminy I hope you're ok.